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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23716225">Blind to the forest</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Volk/pseuds/Volk'>Volk</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>TWICE (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>College AU, F/F</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-18</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-04-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 21:41:57</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>28</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>152,488</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23716225</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Volk/pseuds/Volk</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes you can get so lost in the details of a situation you cannot look at the situation as a whole anymore. This is a lesson like many others three girls going through college must learn.<br/>Also known as the story of three girls growing up.</p><p>DISCLAIMER: These characters are NOT real, while they are based on the girls from TWICE this is a work of FICTION.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Chou Tzuyu/Im Nayeon, Im Nayeon/Son Chaeyoung, Kim Dahyun/Minatozaki Sana, Minatozaki Sana/Son Chaeyoung, Myoui Mina/Son Chaeyoung</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>206</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>298</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. In which my first and last steps on my heart. Chaeyoung.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hey, guys! Welcome back. This time I bring you something a bit different, a story based on the original idea of the fanfic under the name “First, Perfect or Forbidden?” by csaikaman (https://www.asianfanfics.com/story/view/1330204/first-perfect-or-forbidden ) to whom I give full credit and who I hope doesn’t take this story down because while this story lacks most of the elements in the original it does follow the events of their story during the first 3 chapters before it changes completely. </p><p>A new chapter will be published every two weeks as a general rule. It's going to be a LONG ride so enjoy!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">Summer has always been the time to reconnect with yourself, to get a radical haircut, a tan, to sport a different style and prepare to show up like a new person for a brand-new life. Maybe that’s what it’s all about: a new beginning. People need those for the widest range of reasons but there’s something they all have in common, and that’s the need to be better than the year before, or at least to pretend to be. Elders say time passes by slower when you’re young and they might be right — every year feels like a lifetime and one so full of feelings, experiences and discoveries that looking at it from that perspective there’s no wonder people would like to try and start over from time to time. But what can I say? I’m only an angsty young adult looking for some peace of mind and heart after the ruckus that was last year. Life has been rough lately. Now summer has ended and the time to face reality has come.</p><p class="western">“OKASAN!”</p><p class="western">Today, I was supposed to have a peaceful breakfast before the start of another college year, enjoy the last traces of my summer holidays with my family, you know? The only thing I wanted was a calm morning with my dad sipping his coffee next to me — quietly, yes, but in a comfortable silence that only exists between the both of us. And it has started that way: dad’s reading the news on his iPad, I’m munching on my kongnamul bab and mom’s preparing lunch for my stepsister, who's taking a whole life and half of another to get ready, as usual. To address the elephant in the room, yes, she might not be my birthmother but she’s my mother now, so that’s how I’ll address her — it would be weird to refer to her as Miss Minatozaki all the time, like when she was my Japanese teacher in high school. Long story short, my dad and her hit it off at some point and got married last February. Anyway, my morning is ruined now, thanks to her annoying high-pitched voice.</p><p class="western">Before even looking towards the direction where the noise is coming from, dad gives me the first dirty look of the day, which I only bother to reply by blowing a stray lock away from my face and rolling my eyes. Then, as the turmoil starts upstairs, I take the last bite of my breakfast and make the attempt of silently standing up — maybe, just maybe, I can slide out of the room without being noticed with all that noise, like a ninja. It’s useless, however, since mom and dad instantly turn to look at me, waiting for an explanation after hearing Sana-eonnie's ear-piercing scream.</p><p class="western">"Not so fast, what did you do this time?"</p><p class="western">None of us is strange to this very scenario, it’s been repeating almost every morning for the last five months or so. Yet, from the three of us, it’s only me the one that finds this sort of amusing. Sometimes I feel like I live in one of those typical American movies where one of the siblings is just annoying and the protagonist enjoys picking on them. Not that I purposely keep irritating Sana-eonnie, I just try to do my thing no matter what and she whines too easily. Anyway, I am about to explain my side of the story when the sounds of fast, continuous strides start climbing down the stairs. And then, a yelp and a loud thud.</p><p class="western">As usual, dad immediately gets up to help, and both of them run to the entrance to check on Sana while I can’t help bursting out laughing, only imagining the ridiculous way her ass must have landed on the foot of the stairs this time. Okay, maybe it’s not so funny, one of these days she will really get hurt but… come on! She’s just so hilariously clumsy. In my defense, I’ll say I join them soon enough, once Sana-eonnie’s already on her feet and rubbing her lower back. See? She’s fine.</p><p class="western">"Careful, y<span>ou’re gonna trip</span>," I comment, folding my arms over my chest with a smirk plastered on my lips. Of course, this earns me a general glare.</p><p class="western">"Not funny," mom says in the most serious tone, and my dad seconds her with a shake of his head. I know he’s really trying to transmit disappointment but it loses all its effect when I see his lips quivering in their intent to hold a guffaw.</p><p class="western">"Mom, Chaeyoung has <span>used</span> all my face-wash again!" Sana-eonnie exclaims, shaking a tiny blue plastic container in her hand. What can I say? My skin sometimes forgets I’m not a teenager anymore and that face-wash is magical. Also, there was a tiny accident involving that bottle, but they don’t need to know that — there’s already enough clumsiness in this family and I have a reputation to live up to.</p><p class="western">"Maybe if someone hadn’t dropped mine while taking a shower, I wouldn’t have had to use it.” That… might not have happened. However, my defense, while the dirtiest lie, is perfectly convincing. She drops everything all the time anyway, so I doubt she won’t believe me. That’s why she does the best and only thing she can do at this point: turning to my dad and pouting. Of course, she plays the ‘new daughter’ card sprinkled with aegyo.</p><p class="western">"Dad! Did you hear her?! If it’s not hard enough to be new to this family… it’s like she doesn’t want me here!" No, I don’t! But I would never say that out loud, of course. That would be mean. I’m sorry but there’s no way I could want her around when she keeps acting like that at her age — the cringe is killing me.</p><p class="western">"It wasn't my fault!"</p><p class="western">"E<span>nough</span>!" Okay, I may pee my pants. Dad never rises his voice, not unless he’s furious, and let me tell you: his voice can be really loud, like a roar. "Sana, wash your face with whatever only for this morning, we’ll buy some more this afternoon, ok?” Sana-eonnie nods, still unsatisfied. “And you..." He points at me with an accusatory finger. "Next time I hear your sister complaining about you, you'll be grounded for a month-”</p><p class="western">“But dad!” Yeah, sure! Also, I’m an adult now, he can’t ground me! A devilish smile appears in the corner of Sana-eonnie’s lips but it doesn’t last.</p><p class="western">“Both of you!” The outrage in her face makes this whole ordeal a little bit worth it.</p><p class="western">“You need to start getting along, girls, you’re sisters now."</p><p class="western">Not ever, not even with my mother was alive, I had any interest in having any siblings. In what universe would I lower my head and accept an elder sister who is this <span>obnoxious</span>?!</p><p class="western"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">***</p><p class="western"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">As soon as I remove my helmet, I hear Dahyun's goofy voice greeting me with a: "Yo, bro!" A smile builds instantly on my face and I rush towards her to wrap her tiny tofu head in the tightest of hugs. It ends up not having all the power I wanted, however, since I still have the helmet in my hand and I don’t want to hit her pale face in a perfect example of clumsiness, so I have to make a detour with my arm and the position is pretty awkward. Oh, yeah, the helmet! Our parents wanted to give me and Sana-eonnie nice cars, probably to try to make the new family arrangement a bit more ‘<em>bearable’</em> for the both of us, but I refused — I wouldn’t give up on my motorcycle, not for anything in the world. This bike? This bike is history — it is the first time I looked ever so slightly cool in high school, the very first time Dahyun ended up in the hospital (because it fell on her foot while she was trying to take a proper selfie, don’t worry) and the first and only time Tzuyu got grounded. Speaking of the devil, she pats my back when she <span>catches up with us</span> and soon Dahyun includes her in the group embrace. I can’t believe how much I’ve missed my School Meal Club this summer. Yeah, we arose like the School Meal Club in middle-school and will go through our college years like the School Meal Club, and if someone has a problem with it, they can fight us.</p><p class="western">“It’s so weird,” Dahyun says, sliding an arm around my shoulders and the other around Tzuyu’s waist. We’re so short compared to her but we don’t lose our hopes to still grow a couple of inches. Dahyun even wears insoles in her shoes, which I’ll always think is the lamest way of <span>deceav</span>ing but whatever floats her boat.</p><p class="western">“What’s weird?”</p><p class="western">“Chaeng with long hair,” she clarifies as Tzuyu goes around to stay by my side. “Our baby looks more mature.” I snort and pinch her side. She says that like I’m the youngest here.</p><p class="western">“She looks very pretty,” Tzuyu adds, fixing some wild strands of hair trapped between my ear and Dahyun’s arm. She hardly ever speaks, but when she does, it’s always remarkable.</p><p class="western">“Thank you, thank you.” A shy smile curls my lips as I run a hand through my mane. “It’s a bit uncomfortable with the helmet and all but I’m getting used to it.”</p><p class="western">For several months, I’ve been growing my hair. I used to wear it very short through all high school and last year I decided it was calling for a change. I didn’t know it would take this long to grow it to the length I wanted, though — and my hair grows really fast compared to other people’s, I can assure you. Having long hair is very convenient, at least for me. You see, I get bored very easily style-wise, and long hair allows a wider range of styling and coloring than shorter hair. In addition, going back to short hair is way easier than going back to a longer style. I’ll keep it in my natural black color for a while, but I must confess I’m already thinking on a particular shade of bright orange I want to try. I haven’t told my friends yet, but I know they’ll love it.</p><p class="western"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">The first set of classes go by frantically — I didn’t miss how exhausting college can be. At least I can catch up with my friends during breaks. Even though we have been talking frequently on KakaoTalk, <span>we’ve missed each other greatly</span>, which is the only reason why we let Dahyun start gossiping like there’s no tomorrow.</p><p class="western">"Have you heard about the new <span>transferred student</span>? Everyone is talking about her,” she says as she introduces her password and starts piling her books inside. What surprises me the most is that anyone has heard anything about anyone only a second into the new school year. “Jinyoung-oppa <span>says she’s made</span> BamBam drool for real.” I snort and look at Tzuyu, who looks entirely uninterested as she perfectly organizes her books and notebooks by subject. There’s no way anyone can beat Tzuyu in the beauty department, although it would be nice if someone else appeared so those annoying guys would let her breathe for a second. “Oh, she's Japanese!” In case I didn’t have enough with two at home already. “Y’know, Japaneses are hot…” I don’t need to <span>see her mischievous and annoying face</span> to know she’s trying to tease me, “…like your sister.” I gag and punch her shoulder before throwing what I don’t need inside my locker. Dahyun only responds with a guffaw and keeps talking like she hadn’t just given me nightmare material for the week.</p><p class="western">“Sometimes I think you’re too gay to be straight,” I fight back but her only reply is a dismissive glance.</p><p class="western">“No kiddin’, I wonder what’s all that fuss about, like..." Dahyun continues with her monologue in a more peaceful way while we walk the hallway towards the cafeteria. She’s such a blabbermouth but our blabbermouth, nonetheless. Tzuyu gives me a meaningful look to shut the tiny tofu's mouth when suddenly, her elbow sinks painfully in my rib cage. <em>Ouch!</em></p><p class="western">“Dubu, what t-?”</p><p class="western">And then I see why: there’s a certain girl walking straight towards us. Students of all grades start stepping back to <span>leave a</span> comfortable space for her as she waltzes through, some of them even yelping at the sight of her. Ugh, this reminds me of my first days in college in the worst of ways. It’s so pathetic now to think how I used to be one of those lame squealers, but not anymore, no. Despite being a boring cliché, it’s very common around <span>here</span> to have a crush on a senior student, especially the teachers’ assistants (don’t ask me why). In fact, this particular senior is quite the idol around here. Not for me, however. Yes, I admit I used to have <em>feelings</em> for her, but that was before she took my heart, threw it to the ground, stepped on it and then mercilessly burnt it with a <em>d</em><em>ucking</em> flamethrower. Not to have any sort of shitty ‘<em>lesbian pride’</em> of any kind but… did she have to cheat on me with a guy, really? And not any guy but Minho. Minho! He’s been trying to get through his last year of college like… what? Three years already? I’m not judging, I’m just saying that if she was to choose some random guy to be her boyfriend (because, yeah, they’re dating) and take my place… never mind. Ah, yes, that was the flamethrower part, or at least it felt that way. Let’s leave these old nasty thoughts slumbering in my brain again.</p><p class="western">What a nice ending for your first and only love, right? Actually, when we were dating I always thought if she was ever to cheat on me, it would have been with Jeongyeon-eonnie. Wow, I was so ready for that. Thinking about it now, it’s a bit sad but I would have totally understood that affair since their intimacy borders the metaphysical and, well, Jeong’s my No Jam Bro and we’re almost the same person. Except Jeong has long-ass legs, a ravishing smile and can reach the food inside the kitchen cabinet without the need of a step. If one of us was to survive evolution, it would most likely be her. Although I could easily hide from predators and attack from estrategi- Anyway! Maybe it’s not even the cheating part what irks me the most but the fact that, was anyone to know about our relationship and how it ended, I can already picture people shaking their heads as if it was a foregone conclusion to our romance. As if it was only children playing.</p><p class="western">We were a secret, this is South Korea after all. Only the School Meal Club knew about us, which should have probably raised the first red flag — she never told her friends, not even Jeongyeon-eonnie. Look, I’m normally a very easy-going person. I don’t care about anyone or anybody’s doing, I try not to pick fights, to be understanding and live my life but, argh! I am so mad at this woman — to the point that just seeing her makes me feel sick at my stomach. That’s why I’ve been trying to ignore her existence for months whenever we crossed paths. Summertime gave me some rest but I guess this time there’s nowhere to run. <em>Crap. </em></p><p class="western">"Oh! Hey, Nayeon-eonnie!" Of course, Dahyun being the cheerful ball of sunshine she is, greets my ex-girlfriend, completely ignoring the building tension in the atmosphere and the way I’m stabbing her with my eyes.</p><p class="western">I hate that it’s still so bright — the wide, bunny smile Nayeon dedicates to my friends, I mean. For a moment, it looks like she’s going to do the most sensible thing and keep walking but I won’t be so lucky. Instead, she turns to me and slightly tilts her head.</p><p class="western">"Can we talk?"</p><p class="western">"You’re talking, eonnie." I answer, dryly, more than I intended in public.</p><p class="western">“Don’t be like this…” <em>Don’t be like this</em>. That’s what she says after everything that’s happened, after all she’s done. Tzuyu’s reassuring hand rests on my shoulder while Dahyun’s warmth beside me starts fading. I know Dubu means well — she’s been trying to make me come around and talk to Nayeon so I can finally close this chapter of my life or whatever but she just doesn’t understand: I do not want to be with her in the same room, I cannot breathe the same air. It’s poison.</p><p class="western">“We’re hungry so if you excu-“</p><p class="western">Releasing a sigh, she grabs my wrist and drags me out of the hallway, striding at a pace my short steps can barely follow until we end up inside a random classroom around the corner. Not even Tzuyu has been able to stop her but it’s not like I’ve put much of a fight either. My mind is still processing this bold and sudden move when the realization hits me. We are alone in this room. I mean, I guessed she wanted to talk about us, you know, in private although I hadn’t processed the fact that we were going to be very together and very much alone in a closed space. My heart skips a beat and my mouth starts feeling bitter — I don’t trust myself not to do something stupid. In fact, that’s been proven once and again to be my specialty.</p><p class="western">Here she is, after all this time. Looking at me with her big <span>dark</span> eyes, nervously playing with the tips of her gorgeous jet-black mane. It’s like time hasn’t passed at all, like she would just take a few steps towards me and caress my cheeks with her long fingers before pulling me for a tender kiss. Her hands are so soft… I wonder if Minho thought the same thing when they were making out on that couch.</p><p class="western">"What do you want?" The question is quite unnecessary but I’m bidding my time. I need to get my mind straight. There are many unpleasant thoughts currently running inside my head and I know I have to control myself or else I’ll make a mess of the very first day of school. This is supposed to be a better year than the last one and this is definitely no way to start it.</p><p class="western">"Chaeyoung-ah.” She makes a thoughtful pause to choose her words. So wise of her. Nayeon leans a bit on a random desk, paying careful attention to my body language. She always does that, even if she doesn’t realize — making you feel exposed before her. Or maybe she does realize and she’s really just the ragging… bad person she’s turning out to be. “I’m so sorry. I know I ruined everything but please let me explain.” Yeah, yeah you did. We were doing great — I thought we were doing great. She used to get her mouth full of pretty words and promises but in the end, it was all a bunch of lies to please my naïve ears. Now her annoyingly gorgeous lips are moving but I won’t listen to her anymore. What was I to her? A toy she could play with until a handsome guy dared to step up and ask her out? Some experiment? Someone to laugh at with her friends after she walked me home? I gave her all I had to give, I would have done anything for her. Everything. “Can you not be so cold to me, please? I mmphh..." My dark thoughts <span>rise above reason</span> and I crash my lips against hers. Crap, I knew I would do something stupid.</p><p class="western"><a id="_GoBack" name="_GoBack"></a> Every year I have this list of things I plan to achieve soon but thinking before acting is something that keeps resisting me (still in the list since the fireball incident of 2009). Part of me only needs to shut her up, not wanting to hear a word she has to say. The other one is the one that is hitting puberty late, hard and gay despite being 20 years old and, <em>frack</em>, that part has missed her plump lips so much. I’m such an idiot. <span>What am I doing? How am I even capable of kissing her when </span>I am and will always be mad at her? So mad that I push her away from me, her back harshly crashing against the whiteboard. Nayeon doesn't seem to mind, though. Surprise only lasts a few seconds in her eyes before she strides back towards me and wraps her arms around my neck, pulling me impossibly closer, as if she couldn’t live without this much contact. That’s another twisted habit of hers, she makes me feel like I matter the world to her when we both know that’s not true.</p><p class="western">I loathe her so much.</p><p class="western">My mouth escapes her toxic kiss and slither down her neck to gift her with a bite, one a bit too hard that makes her squeak — whether it’s in pain or pleasure, I can’t care any less.</p><p class="western">"This is all you wanted, right?" <em>Is this all you ever wanted from me?</em> My voice comes out husky, rough. It doesn’t sound like me at all but it’s a good fit to the tears that have been gathering in the sides of my eyes. Tears she doesn’t notice, however, because she doesn’t care, never have and never will. No, she just whines and kisses me back. It’s hard, and it’s wet, full of meaning — yeah, full of all the bad feelings she’s forced into my chest for months. Kissing her feels like poking at the hole my heart left when she broke it but I can’t stop myself from doing it again and again until the raw scar starts crying red.</p><p class="western">I despise her.</p><p class="western">How is she doing this to me? Why? This is not me — this didn’t use to be me. Son Chaeyoung, the artist, the free spirited, the bohemian. A soul too big for such a tiny body, they used to say. Quiet yet still goofy, and sometimes reckless, yes, but bright. Always bright… and now? Now I feel all this darkness and it burns, not like a flame but like acid in my skin, my blood and my lungs. The very air I breathe itches like a toxic mist and I can’t handle it anymore. Gasping for air is useless, agonizing, like drowning. I’m so tired of drowning.</p><p class="western">Right when she catches my lips again, and guides my hand up towards her breasts, a masculine voice starts calling for her outside.</p><p class="western">"Nayeon? You sure she came this way?" We both jump apart as if we had just woken up from a nightmare.</p><p class="western">No one dares to move until the paces sound a bit further. Only then I lean my forehead against hers and take a deep breath.</p><p class="western">"I hate you so… deeply," I manage to whisper between ragged breaths before taking a step back and collecting myself. “I don’t want to see you or talk to you or have anything to do with you anymore.” My lips can’t even draw her name.</p><p class="western">And just like that, I exit the empty classroom, closing the door behind me almost symbolically, something quite appetizing for the artist in me. Walking through the hallways towards <span>the cafeteria</span>, praying <span>there’s anyone still having something to eat </span>since I haven’t checked the time but I’m sure it’s late, I pass by Minho. He wouldn’t have noticed me any other day, but it has to be <em>today </em>the day he does and it is to ask me if I’ve seen his beloved girlfriend. Sometimes life feels like a cruel joke. I want to hate the guy and his plain and boring face, something in my gut needs to but I can’t. Not really. He doesn't have any idea about our past relationship, after all. No, it’s her fault and her fault only, so I just shrug and keep walking with my head hanging low. Long hair is proving to be very efficient at covering one’s own shame. I am such a loser. All the tears, all the heartache only for me to go and kiss her the second I see her. But really, does she really expect us to be friends of sorts or whatever after what she did? Or maybe it’s not that, maybe she just wants me to get my hopes up again after hearing whatever pathetic excuse of an explanation she has to offer — to have me wrapped around her finger again while she can go play her version of normal and heterosexual. She doesn’t care about me or my feelings, why do I keep thinking about this? Something was telling me this morning today was going to be a <span>crappy </span>day. Guess what? I should have trusted my hunch.</p><p class="western">On top of all, my friends aren’t in the cafeteria anymore. Great day, just… ugh. I’m not even hungry anymore so I just take my phone to text them some very unpleasant words especially destined to Dahyun and make a bee line towards the library. I need to occupy my mind before my next period and I’m not really in the mood to be harshly questioned by my friends about what’s happened with the spawn of Satan. That’s why I decide on being a good student and hit the library to look for some books I’ll need for some subjects this semester.</p><p class="western">This is another place I didn’t miss at all. The library of the faculty is like a void: sounds like nothing and smells like nothing. If it wasn’t for the amount of books in this place, it would look as empty as King Cross Station after Harry was hit by the curse — minus that Voldemort dying fetus under the bench, although that would be dope. My feet drive me straight to the Art section, which is empty, as always. Of course we, Art students, are very serious about our studies but generally we prefer to <span>work</span> somewhere else, mostly outside where we don’t feel we’re going to be swallowed by the bookcases. Seriously, this place can be freaky during winter when the night comes in the middle of the afternoon and you have no choice but crouching here if you don’t want to be interrupted every 3 seconds at home.</p><p class="western">Anyway, the shelves with the mixed media and installation books I need must be around. The mere name sounds boring, you don’t need to tell me, but if I survived Industrial Design Foundation, I can do anything. Although at least Industrial Design was only one semester long, this year I have Mixed Media and Installation 1 and 2. In case you want to know, mixed media in visual art is an artwork in which you use more than one medium or material, and I totally didn’t have to look it up in Wikipedia the other day to find out what everything was about.</p><p class="western">Eyes.</p><p class="western">Black eyes catch my attention from the other side of the book-shelf. The girl drops her gaze a second later but it wasn’t a product of my imagination, she’s hold mine for a solid second. <span>A</span>h, I sound like a creep but her stare has been printed in my retina forever. I have never seen eyes likes hers, they’re dangerous. Okay, maybe I need to calm down because my body still feels a bit <span>shaken from what’s happened</span> before. I just… I need to know who this woman is. When I turn the corner she’s disappeared. Is it possible that I have imagined it? Honestly, at this point I wouldn’t be surprised if I started hallucinating or something like that, whatever to make this year a bit more catastrophic.</p><p class="western">I’m just turning around when I find a stop. The next thing I know is my butt is kissing the floor. This must be karma, I find no other explanation — it has to be the universe making me pay for laughing at Sana-eonnie this morning.</p><p class="western">"Oh, I’m so sorry! Sorry!” This might look stupid but <em>darn</em>, it hurts. How does Sana-eonnie stand this so many times a day? Her butt must be made of iron. “I didn't see you coming. I am sorry.” Yeah, she said that before. Wait, <em>‘she’</em>? “Please, let me help you." My irritation is instantly vanished by the tenderness of the voice. I almost laugh at how cute her broken Korean is, but that would come out as rude and I wouldn’t dare to offend anyone who sounds this pure. Nonetheless, I quickly forget about the pungent pain in my ass the exact moment everything stops and my head starts to spin. The exact moment I see an angel.</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. In which I’m pretty sure I’ve found my soulmate. Chaeyoung.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Chapter 3 (continuation of chapter 2) will be uploaded tomorrow!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">
  <span>Myoui Mina. That’s how she’s called, Myoui Mina. Even her name is soft, or at least it feels that way on my lips — so satisfying to articulate. It tastes like strawberries and cinnamon</span>
  <span>
    <em>. Mina, Mina, Mina, Mina…</em>
  </span>
  <span> Everything about her is tender: the hand that helped me stand up, the look of worry on her gorgeous eyes, the tiny smile on her lips when my awkward persona blurted out a sudden </span>
  <span>
    <em>“sorry”</em>
  </span>
  <span> in unison with her… Yeah, knowing me, excusing myself after being bumped into is not bad at all, the best that could have happened — the worst being me stuttering and running away in gay panic and being banned from the library due to the turmoil. At least this way she giggled. Yeah, I made her </span>
  <span>laugh</span>
  <span> and the mere sound of it was enough to stop my heart. That’s all she needed to take my breath away: a giggle. God, please help me. </span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>Somehow, I think I managed not to make a total and absolute fool of myself. Not even when I realized our hands were still linked together and it was my fault. I think she immediately saw the </span>
  <span>anxiety</span>
  <span> plastered on my face, so she didn’t make a big deal out of it and instead, she initiated a somehow awkward but endearing handshake, flashing me the most blinding gummy smile I’ll ever see in my life. Then she retracted her hand. Was it wrong of me to miss her warmth? I’m such a creep, for </span>
  <span>
    <em>frog</em>
  </span>
  <span>’s sake.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>Of course, you guessed right. She was the Japanese student everyone was creeping on. The girl was obviously clueless about all the blather going around, however. Poor thing, she doesn’t know where she has decided to come — this place is a nest of gossips. Nevertheless, that doesn’t mean they aren’t right. The girl is a picture, a gem, music, the purest form of art, and I’ve fallen so hard that I have even been able to feel Cupid’s arrow slowly sinking in my flesh all the way through. The crucial moment was when she laughed at something I said — something stupid, quite likely, but hey, I made her laugh again! Generally, I’m already </span>
  <span>the gayest</span>
  <span> but for pretty girls I swear I could puke rainbows. Although ‘</span>
  <span>
    <em>pretty</em>
  </span>
  <span>’ is almost an insult for what Mina really is. Mina… I feel like insanity is overcoming me, like having a mountain of pop rocks exploding at the same time in your mouth, only I am both the tongue and the candy. </span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>My heart fluttered when the following day I saw her coming through the door of my Photography class. Dahyun can sit in Hell next to the Devil for all I care. She gave me a confused look when she saw me sitting elsewhere, and I gathered all my strength not to flip her off. Instead, I offered a wide smile to Mina, putting my dimples on display. I’ve been told they’re the most charming of my features, I hope it starts working eventually since I don’t think it did that time.</span>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <span>You may think people mature as they get older, and a faculty is a place where adults come to study and get their superior degrees. Well, it doesn’t seem that way from this perspective. We’re sitting at the cafeteria for lunch, but my food is still untouched. Maybe, just maybe, I’m waiting for a certain new student to appear through that door since I </span>
  <span>haven’t</span>
  <span> really had the chance to invite her to have lunch with us </span>
  <span>yet</span>
  <span>. We had Photography again today but after the class finished it was impossible to start a conversation with her since Professor </span>
  <span>Lee</span>
  <span> wanted to talk to her. Since we don’t have any of the other classes in common, I have no other option than relying on my luck. Mina’s such a mystery — really, a big ass interrogation mark. I think she’s taking a few classes below her year, that’s why we share </span>
  <span>one, but</span>
  <span> I’m pretty sure she’s a year or so older than us. I have to remember to ask her what course she’s in next time, for science. Anyway, focus, Chaeyoung. What’s happening right now and is making me want to smash my face on the table is that a whole set of drooling monkeys start making noise. If they were just any bunch of douche-canoes, that wouldn’t be the big thing, but the problem is that they’re not. No, they’re my stepsister’s very own admirers. Her fans of sorts. Another year that you expect things to be different and yet… here we are. I’ll never understand what they see in such an annoying crackhead. She’s not even cool! Only spoiled, and very much so. She walks by with the rest of the dancers squad and that’s already enough to wake the baboons up — she only needs to show up with her confident posture and girly smile and people’s brains are gone. I don’t get it. Sana-eonnie might be objectively… you know… good-looking… maybe — Ew! I’ll always deny having said this but she has a charming beauty. Now I have to bleach my brain, great. The thing is, she’s quite pretty, enough to exert some kind of power over people and the worst part is that she’s perfectly aware. She’s one of those people that play life in easy mode — Sana-eonnie knows if she batted an eyelid the right way and giggled in the perfect pitch, there are people who would fall on their knees. It’s no wonder she thinks she can do whatever and say whatever and leave unscathed. Of course, Sana loves the attention and she’s really good at fan service too, flirting a bit here and there, never being rude to her entourage </span>
  <span>albeit most of the time</span>
  <span> they don’t seem to have two brain cells to make a successful connection. </span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>What bothers me the most is that, somehow, my two best friends seem to be as idiotized as them, even if they stay on the sidewalk. Those two nimrods have a huge thing for her too, something Sana-eonnie tends to exploit because she knows it irks me to no end. That’s why she winks in our direction and giggles when she passes next to our table, making them blush like two fools. It’s not only the behavior on Sana-eonnie’s part what annoys me, but also the fact that this thing qualifies as a ‘</span>
  <span>
    <em>girlcrush</em>
  </span>
  <span>’ for them — or at least for Dubu it does, Tzuyu tends to limit to say the most essential amount of words and I wouldn’t know. Maybe I’m just oversensitive after my heartbreak and I am having an existential gay crisis and projecting </span>
  <span>my issues</span>
  <span> on them. It is unfair, really, the fact that their feelings, whatever they might be, make me feel less valid or acknowledged in my sexuality, especially because this has nothing to do with them. At least as far as I know, they are straight as a… I don’t know, a candle. It’s just this </span>
  <span>
    <em>darn</em>
  </span>
  <span> society and my late teens crisis, I swear. Ugh, I’m an idiot. Have I mentioned that before? That’s why I never say a thing, not about that aspect of my irritation at least, although I tend to whine a bit too much. Why do they even keep me around? I’m annoying sometimes. Oh! Because they are too, that is it. As they don’t seem to notice my </span>
  <span>annoyance</span>
  <span>, hypnotized by my stepsister, I stand up and smack both of their heads awaken. </span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Oww!”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Bro, that hurts! You’re lucky you’re gonna be my sister-in-law." Dahyun threats and Tzuyu interjects. </span></p><p class="western">
  <span>"So who says Sana-eonnie would marry you?” She doesn’t need to say anything else. More often than not, Tzuyu’s usual quietness and tall size grants her the advantage of being unexpectedly intimidating. After two full seconds of tense silence, they both laugh at my disgusted face like the two idiots they are.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>See? This chitchat between straight people is the kind of thing that pisses the insecure gay inside of me off. On top of all, I don’t see Mina the rest of the day. This is going be a long year. </span>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <span>***</span>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">“<span>They were often privileged to do what was forbidden to members of the ordinary family.” The teacher keeps passing slide after slide of the same broken alabaster relieves. I wish I could just sleep through this but I’m painfully awake today. “During the Ptolemaic period the practice was even used by King Ptolemy II as a major theme of propaganda, stressing the nature of the couple, which could not be bound by ordinary rules of humanity.”</span><span> Fascinating… not really. “</span><span>They actually showed that the feminized appearance exhibited by the art of the pharaoh Akhenaten...”</span><span> Kings, they were kings, not pharaohs.</span><span> Another photo appears in the whiteboard. Egyptian art and history are something I’ve always loved, but the persistent inaccuracy that seems to be so widespread regarding the kings and some aspects of the religion are very irritating. If they didn’t keep copying Wikipedia and read an actualization on the subject from an actual library, these things wouldn’t happen. If only some Japanese beauty attended this class, at least I’d have something to distract my mind with.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>It’s been two weeks since I met her. Two weeks my </span>
  <span>mind</span>
  <span> has been clouded with nothing but her lips, her freckles, her gorgeous chestnut hair. </span>
  <span>Her</span>
  <span> scent of jasmine… Not that I would sneakily sniff her because that would be super creepy, but the other day we were sitting together in this photography seminar and it was in one of these rooms with a platform and stands, and long story short: the seats are so close together I almost had a cardiac arrest. At least I’ve gathered the courage to formally invite her to have lunch with us on a daily basis, and I’m the most ecstatic I have ever been. This year has had a rocky start but so far, it’s going wonderfully.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>There’s a sudden, light touch on my arm and then Dahyun sneakily slides a tiny piece of paper to my side of the table. Slickly, I open it with the tips of my fingers to uncover Dahyun’s messy and tiny handwriting saying: </span>
  <span>
    <em>THIS SATURDAY WE GONNA PARTYYYY</em>
  </span>
  <span>. I turn to her with a frown, so she passes another scribbled piece of paper: </span>
  <span>
    <em>BamBam’s birthday</em>
  </span>
  <span>. Oh, right! My friend’s stare is fixed on my profile, trying to get inside my </span>
  <span>head</span>
  <span> to stop me from bailing on them again. Surprisingly enough, I do feel in the mood for a party. Furthermore, BamBam and his group of friends throw some of the best parties on campus and everyone is invited, which means that I can try and ask Mina to come. With me. I can ask her to come with me. My ears start turning the color of strawberries </span>
  <span>only thinking about the possibilities.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>Dubu’s still waiting for a reply, and when I give her a slow nod, the smile that appears on her annoying pale face illuminates the whole room. I hope I don’t have to regret this later, but I see no harm in giving this a shot. I throw the paper at Tzuyu, who’s sitting in front of us, seemingly paying attention but it’s difficult to tell — most of the time I think she just spaces out and gets the knowledge from the Force. She didn’t earn the nickname ‘Yoda’ for anything. She nods and puts the incriminatory evidence inside the pocket of her shorts. Everything is decided, then.</span>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <span>One thing you must know about Myoui Mina is that she’s a real ninja. I’m not telling this only because she’s Japanese, which only makes everything more accurate, but because it’s impossible to find her if you don’t know for certain where she is beforehand. This is why I need to get my gay crap together and ask for her number as soon as possible — I’ve almost searched in every building, all the corners of this gigantic faculty, but the girl is nowhere to be seen. Maybe she’s had a short day and she’s already gone home. Looking at my wristwatch I realize I’ve been scouting the area for an hour. </span>
  <span>
    <em>Whiz</em>
  </span>
  <span>, I’m hungry and want to go home. Plus, she’s most likely gone. </span>
  <span>
    <em>Such a shame, man…</em>
  </span>
  <span> I walk back to my motorcycle, dejectedly, and take my time getting ready for the drive home. I can still ask her tomorrow, anyway. Can’t I? </span>
  <span>
    <em>Yes, Chaeng, you can!</em>
  </span>
  <span> Positivity and positivity only. This is a year to be optimistic about and I’m going to do my best to keep it this way.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>When I get home, the table is already set. This school year, Tuesdays and Thursdays are the worst — not only we have classes till late in the afternoon but also the next day we start extra early. Still, I should have arrived way earlier, enough to have helped mom with the dinner. However, Sana-eonnie seems to have taken over. She appears through the kitchen door with a bottle of water in one hand and a plate with the gimbap on the other. I wouldn’t trust her with that.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>You’re late,” she gives me a side look before going back to the kitchen and saying something in Japanese. Rude.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>Seconds later, mom comes out, whether to greet me or to scold me I can’t tell by her scowl. </span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Son Chaeyoung.” This </span><span>isn’t a good start</span><span>… “We’ve called you at least four times.”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>I’m sorry, my phone must have died while I was driving.” It’s not a lie, and I’m truly sorry for making them worry. They shouldn’t, though, I’m not a baby anymore. “I’ll get changed and wash my hands in no time, and tonight I’ll wash the dishes, I promise.”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>No need to, you start very early tomorrow.” She pats my shoulder affectionately and kisses my head. Everyone is taller than me in this household, can you believe it? “Come on, dinner is almost ready and your father is on his way.”</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>From the top of the stairs, I can hear my stepsister asking something — in Japanese again, for a change. Even if they’re both alone, mom replies in Korean: “I don’t know but give her a break. She finally got out of her brood.” Yes, I am. And now, I have to get ready for a long night because there’s this European style of makeup that I saw on YouTube the other day and I plan on wearing </span>
  <span>it for the party</span>
  <span> but I need to practice first. Everything has to be perfect.</span>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <span>***</span>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <span>I hate my life.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>Friday started beautifully. Well, I almost slept through my first period, but it was a useless lesson on camera settings and I’m not only the Strawberry Princess but also the Princess of cameras too — and the Queen of having had to drag my butt to the nearest store because I had touched something I shouldn’t, but that’s how you really learn. It wasn’t until lunch that I </span>
  <span>could talk to</span>
  <span> Mina, and hearing her voice again felt like meeting her after a month apart. She was wearing a thin </span>
  <span>mint green </span>
  <span>shirt that made her smooth skin shine with her own light. I’ve decided that’s going to be my favorite color now, although something tells me Mina would look her best in regal purple. The way her long mane moved when she shook her head to fix her bangs took my breath away, and then she saw me and drew that gummy smile. It was like jumping from a cliff, ready to hit the sharp rocks if you miss but not caring at all about it. Next to me, Dubu and Tzuyu kept giggling at my smitten self, thinking on new possibilities to pick on me — I know I’ve got it bad, they don’t need to remind me. No, what they absolutely don’t need to do is making innuendos about my gay ass and my crush on Mina when she’s present! One day I’ll snap and they’ll suffer, I swear… Well, Dahyun will suffer — I wouldn’t dare getting in a fight with Tzuyu, not without a slingshot. </span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Hey, guys,” she said with her quiet voice as she took the seat beside mine. The sweet scent of jasmine hit me like a wrecking ball.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>My friends greeted her a bit too eagerly for my taste but it sufficed. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Tzuyu quickening up her eating pace — those </span>
  <span>
    <em>lackwits</em>
  </span>
  <span> wanted to leave me alone to ask her to come to the party. Why do I even hang out with them? Where’s the moral support? I need new friends.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Mina-eonnie…” I hadn’t even said a thing yet but my heart rate was going crazy, blood pumping soundly in my ears. When she raised her gaze from her lunch, I wavered.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Yes, Chaeng?” </span><span><em>Chaeng… </em></span><span>A lot of people call me that way. I mean, my friends do it all the time and that’s the thing. In that moment, she felt comfortable enough to call me </span><span><em>Chaeng. </em></span><span>My heart, my </span><span>head</span><span> and my very soul exploded. I just… I short-circuited. “Are you okay?” No, I was not.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>Thankfully, Yoda’s Force came to my rescue in the form of a truly painful kick in my shin. It did leave a bruise.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Yeah, I was wondering if you… uh…” I’ve never felt more self-conscious in my life. Observed by her, by my two friends, scrutinized till the very detail. I gulped and fought to get my </span><span><em>crap</em></span><span> together. “Are you going to BamBam’s party tomorrow?”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Oh, a classmate invited me yesterday but I don’t know, I like quiet plans better.” My soul fell to my ankles. “My mom is probably coming this weekend, anyway,” she giggles, softly and fondly. “She wants to make sure I’m doing well on my own.”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>That’s so cute,” Dahyun commented when I found myself speechless.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>You know you’re a mess of a person when your mood is able to take a 180</span>
  <span>°</span>
  <span> turn depending on the innocent words of an unaware person.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>All in all, I hate my life. My plan to entice Mina so she’ll be my girlfriend and love me and marry me someday has failed miserably. In addition, it looks like my stepsister is going to the party too — she’s been thorough enough when impolitely forbidding me as my eonnie to go and ‘</span>
  <span>
    <em>embarrass</em>
  </span>
  <span>’ her in front of her friends, so I must admit that right now the perspective of attending said party is rather unpleasant. I feel like Cinderella but backwards (</span>
  <span>
    <em>Allerednic!).</em>
  </span>
  <span> No, I mean that I have an evil stepsister but I don’t want to go to the dance. I’ve even slid into my pajama pants already and I’m preparing to watch the worst movie or drama on TV. Have I spent about 5 hours this week perfecting the look I was going to wear for the event? Yes, but without Mina there I see no reason to bother. Without Mina… Maybe she’s totally unaware of my crush on her but still SHE’S MAKING THINGS SO DIFFICULT!</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Chaeyoung, your friend is here!” I hear mom say.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>My friend? I put the pencil down, fix my glasses and leave my room to take a peek from the top of the stairs. She’s always been the best at sporting such a simple style in an especially fancy way. Also at handling parents for our benefit, despite her pure looks — or maybe precisely because of that. She’s better than Dahyun, that’s for certain. The fireball incident of 2009 took a toll on her trust value in front of my dad.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Take a seat, honey. Do you want some tea?” she offers but Tzuyu declines, politely. “I didn’t know you were going out.” </span></p><p class="western">“<span>I’m not sure…” I catch Tzuyu’s glare as soon as I set a foot on the first floor. She knew I would chicken out, of course. I’m surprised Dahyun isn’t here too to drag me out of my comfortable bed.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Come on, Chaeyoung-ah! It’s BamBam-ssi’s day.” She doesn’t pout, not yet at least, but she does look adorable while saying it, even daring to top it looking at my mother at the end for support. “She can’t miss it.”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>He won’t even notice…” I’m too comfy in my pajamas, there’s no way I-</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Is that the party Sana-chan’s left for?” I reply with a silent and heavy nod. “Then you can go and bring her contact lenses to that silly head,” she says as she puts a tiny box on my palm. “This girl… one day… I don’t know what she plans to do without seeing a thing.” I cover a sarcastic snort with a cough and Tzuyu steps on my foot when she realizes. It’s not my fault I have an idea or two</span><span><em>… EEEWW!</em></span><span> No, that insult has totally backfired. Now I need to bleach my brain again. This is bad karma. “I don’t like the idea of you riding that bike at night, though.”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>I’ve brought my car,” Tzuyu hurries to say.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>You’re so lovely, Tzuyu-yah.” If only she knew how evil the maknae is, she wouldn’t like her so much. This Yoda has been successful — once again, the Force has been in her favor.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>At least I was already freshly showered by the time I had decided not to go. In vain, obviously, since even my dad when he arrives seems oddly interested in getting rid of me. Maybe he’s just seeking some time alone with mom. I’d better not give it much thought, my brain cells are going to get damaged enough for a night. Yes, if I’m going out, I’m going all in. What do you want me to say? My life is extra sad these days: I’m an undercover lesbian in a conservative country, my hot and loving girlfriend cheats on me with a dimwit, I have to put up with an evil stepsister and the girl I’m heavily crushing on barely know I exist and is most likely straight. So yeah, today is a day to get crap-faced. But if I’m going to do this, I’m going to do it well. That’s why I choose to wear the tight, strawberry red dress with thin straps and the western style make up I’ve been working on, topping it all with a high ponytail. It’s good to know that, despite not having worn it for more than two years, it still fits perfectly — I’m being optimistic trying not to think that also means neither I nor my boobs have grown taller or bigger. I’m almost finished when…</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Mom, have you seen my contact lenses?!” I shout from upstairs, and I know it’s rude, but Tzuyu has been waiting for about 45 minutes already and it’s embarrassingly late.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>They have to be in that bathroom, sweetie.”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>No, they’re not!” Ok, I don’t see shit, but I would see my contacts’ box. It looks exactly like… Oh, come on! “Mom?!”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Son Chaeyoung, stop shouting!” </span></p><p class="western">
  <span>I run downstairs, barefoot, and almost die by missing a step. Never run when blind, kids.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Sorry!” Too loud, I don’t need to be able to see her face to know she’s frowning at me. “Do you think Sana-eonnie may have mistaken mine for hers and that’s why she’s-?”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Maybe, but oh, Chaeyoung-ah, you look so pretty!” I wouldn’t know, I can’t see a thing and I’m not likely to be any less blind tonight.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>Something I can only guess is dad’s head appears through the door for a second. He says nothing, however. Someone doesn’t </span>
  <span>want to acknowledge</span>
  <span> his tiny cub is becoming a badass tigress.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Do you like it?” My question goes straight to Tzuyu, who has left her seat at the kitchen table to face me. Even blurry you can tell she’s a cutie pie.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>My friend takes a couple of seconds to answer but finally she smiles and utters: “Pretty.” I take it as a legit success. If only Mina could see me now. </span>
</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <span>We arrive at the party almost two hours late — or four too early, depending if you ask me or Tzuyu, who as soon as we step on the entrance of the club </span>
  <span>the guys have</span>
  <span> rented starts being surrounded and harassed by a bunch of drooling monkeys. I reinforce the grasp on her wrist and do my best to drag her with me indoors. While I try to be the most tender I can manage despite of the crowd, I’m pretty sure she’ll have my fingerprints drawn around her wrist for a couple of days. The deafening music blasts into our ears and an ocean of students in various states of drunkenness opens before our eyes. If it wasn’t bad enough already that I couldn’t see </span>
  <span>anything but blurs</span>
  <span>, the fact that these stroboscopic lights make everyone move in slow-motion and give me the headache of my life doesn’t make a good first impression of the night. People are unashamedly dancing, some even making out al</span>
  <span>ready</span>
  <span> on the dance floor, surrounded by a swarm of sweaty bodies. Not a second has passed since we’ve reached the bar when Dahyun joins us with JB and Mark on her trail. I know it’s them because of the flashy, matching pink hair colors — I was told Mark’s was a bet he lost against Rosé, I don’t know what JB’s excuse is, though.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>Talking about JB, he </span>
  <span>slumps on the stool like</span>
  <span> he’s about to pass out already and it’s barely midnight. Mark, however, still seems to be able to communicate when he greets us with the widest smile on his face. I don’t need to be able to see him in HD to know his eyes are dopey.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Hey, Tzuyu-yah! Who’s your fri-? Chaeng!” The level of horror that appears on his face can only be compared to that time he thought it would be funny to stick his gum on Tzuyu’s chair and messed up her hair. </span></p><p class="western">“<span>Fuck, Son Chaeyoung, you’ve outdone yourself this time.” Dahyun hardly ever swears, but when she drinks she becomes the most American of Koreans. I’m not going to be any less, </span><span>just wait and see</span><span>.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Eagle, don’t tell me you were ready to hit on me too.” You know, Dahyun is my sister, my bro, my soulmate and a crackhead but if she weren’t, I would have totally crushed on her. There’s this duality about her that I find absolutely amusing. No guy would ever be able to appreciate it fully, you know? Oh, boy, I’m so gay tonight.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>You wish!” she says as she hands us two blue shots. I don’t want to know what’s in them. “In one go, go-go-GO!”</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>Tzuyu and I smile at each other before toasting and downing the shots. The alcohol burns every inch of my throat, down my esophagus, until it reaches my stomach and I can feel every single moment of it. The night is young and we’re wild.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>By the time I find myself rocking it on the dance floor, I don't know how many drinks of fancy colors and less fancy flavors I’ve had. Not many, probably, but way more than I should have taken. Sweaty bodies of people I can’t recognize surround me as I dizzily keep trying to concentrate on feeling the music and putting off a good performance. I raise </span>
  <span>my arms</span>
  <span> above my head in hope to </span>
  <span>get </span>
  <span>some fresh air before sliding my hands back down my body to the rhythm of the music. Boy, if I didn’t see </span>
  <span>shit</span>
  <span> before, now I doubt I’ll ever find my way home — I don’t even know where my friends are anymore or at what point they have left, so I decide the best way of spending the night is dancing until my legs </span>
  <span>give up</span>
  <span>. Suddenly, I feel something warm sliding around my waist. That’s not okay. Where are the two idiots? I think it’s time to go home now. I try to look around and search for my friends (as if I could ever see them) but something strong keeps me in place. Then, I feel the heat of a body pressing on my back — it’s slender, too slender to be a guy, right? The long, blonde mane that starts tickling my arm allows me to release the breath I didn’t know I was holding. What a relief… That’s been so gay of me but, you know what? I don’t care anymore. I’m a lesbian, I like women. Pretty girls, sexy girls, cute girls… I also have the right to enjoy myself and my sexuality like every other girl my age! I reach for the girl beside me and lightly touch her face with my fingertips as I engage in the dance. </span>
  <span>Fuck</span>
  <span>, I’ve drank too much, I’m thinking on very… very bad things. Do you know what the odds are for a lesbian in South Korea to hook up with a girl in a non-lesbian bar? Close to zero. But what’s more! Do you know what the odds are of me, Son Chaeyoung, hooking up with a random girl in a random bar or with a girl at all based on experience? Nonexistent! Ragging</span>
  <span> bitches </span>
  <span>like my ex don’t count. She would have never even touched my aura in public. Not that I need an excuse, but I’m going to take my chances. Mina owns my heart and soul, but as far as I know she insists on not wanting my gay ass and if someone else does want it, so be it! </span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>No names, just dancing bodies fantasizing with each other. The girl moves swiftly behind me, hips pressed against mine and breath caressing my neck. This situation calls for some American music — I have the perfect song in mind but I don’t dare to leave to ask the DJ for it. The environment is as intoxicating as the liquor in our veins and at some point one of us stumbles, I can’t tell which one, however. We laugh it off, though — the mysterious girl and I. Between the darkness, the flashing lights, my blindness and my blatant drunken state, I can’t focus enough to see her once I’ve managed to turn around in the tiny space we share. Now, I have to thank my time in the athletics club because dancing this close requires endurance and the rhythm my heart is beating at can be considered high intensity cardio.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>Someone hits me while dancing and I fall right into her arms — she seems to trip back a bit but still catches me and uses the situation to caress my ear with her lips, sending shivers to my spine… and what’s not my spine. </span>
  <span>Boy</span>
  <span>, my mind is rushing to dangerous places. We stay like that for a while, probably not a long one but her embrace feels rather comfortable so I don’t keep much track of the time. Not that I could if I wanted, anyway. Her arms close around my waist, pressing me tight flush to her body, and my arms adjust around her neck. I can’t help noticing she’s wearing a sweet perfume, very tasty — I think I’ve smelt something like this before: vanilla, a tad of orange and something else. Definitely, a good combination for a cake — it’s making me hungry. Before I can make my brain work to stop myself, I’m already pressing my lips against soft skin and sucking lightly, trying to taste all the essence I can.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>If the girl makes any noise, I can’t hear her through the loud music, not even being this close. I already struggle to understand her when she nips my earlobe and says something in the line of: “Come with me.” Then, she grabs my hand and guides me through the ocean of dancing bodies towards the backstage behind the big platform. If I thought it was dark there with those lights from hell, this is just pitch black. Wow, I hadn’t noticed I had this massive headache until we escaped the lights and started seeing tiny sparkles everywhere. I press both hands on my temples trying to gain the focus of my eyesight when suddenly she pins me against the wall and starts attacking my mouth. A moan escapes my throat, I’m not sure she’s managed to hear it. Being unable to see or hear leaves too much room for feeling even with the numbness of the alcohol clouding our minds. She's a very good kisser, I must say, because I'm starting to forget the pain in my head and to remember what it is to feel wanted. I missed it.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>Something crashes against the wall in front of us and several guffaws and shouts follow, loud enough for us to hear above the music. We separate to catch our breaths but I can’t seem to find her lips again. My mouth feels void and numb, missing her hungry kisses, and then: “…here.” Before she grabs my hand again, I can hear her in a moment the music’s volume lowers a bit. It’s difficult to understand, but it’s there. I bet she has a beautiful voice. </span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>We run through a labyrinth of dark corridors until she seems to find an empty room and practically shoves me inside. </span>
  <span>
    <em>Ouch!</em>
  </span>
  <span> My back has hit the wall but luckily for me two plump lips come to soothe my pain. She kisses me carefully at first, slowly, tasting the alcohol in my lower lip before giving it a little tug with her teeth. It ignites this flame inside of me, one I thought long extinguished. I tap her upper lip with my tongue, asking for permission that she grants immediately, caressing my tongue with hers. </span>
  <span>
    <em>Damn, this girl…</em>
  </span>
  <span> She has a nice body. My hands are acting on their own, I swear — they delight themselves on the exposed patch of skin of her abdomen, enjoying the form of her slender waist and toned belly before sneaking under her top. I’m not normally this bold, but I’m not usually this drunk either. Against all odds, my hands don’t get stuck under the tight top and I’m able to move them more or less freely. Her boobs are very nice indeed, size similar to Nayeon’s. No, I don’t want to think about her right now. I hadn’t realized we were so far from the party until I’m able to hear her moan. God, I’ve missed that sound. I pull her closer with one hand and keep fondling her </span>
  <span>breast</span>
  <span> with the other, trying to find out how much more I can get from her only by worshiping her chest. She’s so sensitive, it’s pretty hot. We fight — not for dominance but for the sake of roughness in a mess of hands and lips, caresses, tugs and bites. Suddenly, a brash hand slithers under the hem of my dress, running up to my crotch. I squeal, that’s been a bit unexpected. Not that I didn’t know where this was heading but still. Her hand is so warm that I feel like I’m losing it. The thought of her fingers finding my crotch is almost embarrassing knowing how drenched I am at this point, but when she does it, </span>
  <span>all I feel is</span>
  <span> hot and delirious. Not even my mouth can muffle her noise. She’s giggling, loud and clear to my ears, and the sound of it takes my mind somewhere it doesn’t want to be in this moment. There’s something in her laugh that I don’t like the least bit. I need to see her, I need a light. My hand is searching for a switch anywhere it can reach when hers slides inside my dump underwear and my knees fail. </span>
  <span>
    <em>Shit, fuck!</em>
  </span>
  <span> It feels so good. My upper body leans forward, using her as support as her fingers work on my clit, and tiny whines start escaping the wall of my lips. The girl starts playing with my earlobe, lazily as the pace of her fingers, driving me crazy. </span>
  <span>
    <em>I have to… I can’t… oh, shit! </em>
  </span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>My left shoulder brushes something and the most striking light illuminates the room. It’s blinding and all sorts of painful — both of us wince and try to cover our faces against the other’s skin. Nevertheless, the biggest shock comes when I finally manage to open my eyes and they adapt to the new light. </span>
  <span>
    <em>Son of… a fucking… no way… WHAT THE HELL?!</em>
  </span>
  <span> Like electrified, I </span>
  <span>jump back towards</span>
  <span> the wall, my </span>
  <span>spine</span>
  <span> painfully hitting </span>
  <span>it yet</span>
  <span> again. I can tell you already, tomorrow I’ll be bruised. Bruises might hurt but go away, emotional scars, however… those are forever, and believe me when I say that seeing Sana-eonnie staring at me, eyes open wide, is a pretty </span>
  <span>fucking</span>
  <span> big scar. And also a perfect reflection of what I must look like now. Clothes disarranged in her slender body, messy hair, swollen lips, aching fingers… We stay there in silence, staring blankly at each other for a good minute before she breaks the deafening silence and slurs: "</span>
  <span>Come on</span>
  <span>. No one will know."</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>
    <em>Eh?</em>
  </span>
</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you liked it. Let me know in the comments whatever you want!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. In which my life as a whole is a regret. Chaeyoung.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">
  <span>The first time I saw Sana-eonnie she had just moved in from Japan. Up until the moment our parents got engaged, she had been living with her dad back in Osaka and after refusing to meet her mother’s new husband-to-be for God knows how many times, she finally decided to give us a chance and move to South Korea for her superior studies. It was perfectly understandable — her reticence to accept all of this, I mean. One day you have a happy family, or at least you think so, the next one your parents get divorced and your mother leaves you behind ‘</span>
  <span>
    <em>for work</em>
  </span>
  <span>’ only for you to find out soon after she has already moved on with her life. No, her attitude wasn’t what made our first impression of each other the most disastrous one that could have even been. </span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>It was a Saturday noon. I remember it perfectly because it was the day we had decided to go not-entirely-legally spray-painting and Tzuyu was grounded for the first time — not because we got caught or anything but because I let Tzuyu drive my bike (with me behind her for safety purposes, always) while Dahyun skated behind us, a solid rope tied to the motorbike. One of her neighbors saw us and told her mother. Plus, we were kind of covered in toxic paint from head to toe since our artistic spree had soon become a three bands war. The thing is that we left Tzuyu at home and Dahyun and I went to mine for her to shower before her parents could see her. It turned out I had forgotten Miss Minatozaki’s daughter was meant to arrive that day. </span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Please, keep in mind this was about three years ago. I was in high school, and that’s when you probably look your worst in your whole life. I sported a mushroom haircut and yeah, it was awful. Yes, I do regret it but, hey, nobody teaches you how to handle your hair when you have decided to cut it very short and it starts growing. What Sana-eonnie saw the moment we entered my </span>
  <span>home</span>
  <span> was something she later would describe as a ‘blue and orange oompa-loompa’. The worst part is that she wasn’t wrong, but I would still get mad at her every time. What I saw, on the other hand, and bear in mind I’ll always deny having said this, was a chestnut haired goddess in a blue, checked dress — a goddess that opened her mouth way too soon to show how much of a… bad person she was. Just for you to know, she commented about my height and then proceeded to get everything she wanted. Was my bedroom bigger? Sana wants, Sana gets. My bathroom? Sana-eonnie’s. My spot at the kitchen table? Hers too. Look, I do get that she is the elder sister now and that dad was trying to get in her good books but, really, did they have to give her everything that was mine and I valued? Thank goodness she didn’t like my motorcycle, I would have run her over with it before even allowing her to ride it. We kept it kind of civil until our schedules began matching when I started college.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Now, three years after that day, I have long hair and she has blonde hair, she’s a perfectly integrated dancer in our University (she’s Vicepresident of the Dance club, she won’t shut up about it) and I’m the dumped lesbian geek, but nothing much has changed — or so I thought until today. </span>
  <span>
    <em>"Come on. No one will know."</em>
  </span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Sana-eonnie is visibly intoxicated, so much she can barely walk a straight line if I don’t let her dangerously support herself on me. I say ‘dangerously’ because she uses any chance she gets to start nibbling on my ear again and then giggles when I whine and pinch her to leave me alone. I wonder how she’s managed to drag me around so easily in this state. Or how I am even guiding her out in mine! Everything feels so surreal right now I can’t slow down my </span>
  <span>thoughts</span>
  <span> long enough to </span>
  <span>reflect</span>
  <span> about what’s happening, and that’s probably the best thing that can happen to me now because I have to get her home safe and sound and I won’t be able to do so if I start anxiously crying the way I want right now.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>My hopes of bumping into Momo or Seulgi to help me taking care of Sana-eonnie disappear into thin air when I see both of them downing matching and fuming absinthe shots. I wouldn’t be surprised if they ended up in hospital at this pace, mom and dad would kill me if I left Sana-eonnie under their care. On the other hand, they will kill me anyway if they ever were to find out their lovely daughter’s hand has been bet-. </span>
  <span>
    <em>Crap. Crap. Crap, crap, crap. Shoot!</em>
  </span>
  <span> One night! I go out one single night after more than 6 months of brooding in my room in the dark, depressed over my shitty life. Really, I only wanted to go out, live a little, dance a bit. Why do I always end in diffic-? I smack Sana’s hand, which was trying to slither under my dress again. </span>
  <span>
    <em>Are you for real?</em>
  </span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Stepping outside, being hit by the fresh breeze of the night, my problems don’t seem so big anymore. It might have something to do with the fact that I’ve just caught a glimpse of a dark mane and that I could distinguish the sound of that characteristic laugh in a crowd.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">“<span>Bruuuuuuuh!” YES! I WASN’T WRONG. Dubu approaches us, tottering in her way, but she makes it in one piece.</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>Daaaahhyuuuuuuunnnniiiiieeeee!!!” If my ears </span><span>weren’t still</span><span> a bit numb after the blasting sound of the music, Sana-eonnie’s yelp would have </span><span>killed me</span><span>. </span><span><em>What the hell?</em></span><span> She jumps at my friend, hugging her tight, and then she starts playing with her cheeks, disregarding Dahyun’s crimson red face. </span><span><em>Dang</em></span><span>, drunk Sana-eonnie is another Sana-eonnie, definitely. </span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>Sana… eonnie?” </span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>Dubudubudubu</span><span>~</span><span>.” She pinches her cheeks once more and then starts placing sweet kisses on the sore skin. Great! I mean, now she’s her problem! </span><span><em>No, Chaeyoung, don’t be an arse… Look at her, she’s enjoying herself!</em></span><span> Dahyun looks flustered, yeah, but her smile just keeps growing.</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>Have you seen Yoda?” I take a small step back.</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>Must be inside. Wh-?” Her gaze on me intensifies. She’s seen right through me.</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>Gonna look for her, she my riiiiiide.” I approach them for the last time and kiss her other cheek, silently smacking Sana’s hand when I feel it squeezing my butt. “Sana-eonnie’s yours now, she needs a bed!” I yell while already tattering towards the entrance.</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>Son Chaeyoung, don’t you dare!” Honestly, I owe her a big lunch. I’ll treat her to a feast as long as she keeps her away from me.</span></p>
<p class="western">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>The night is pretty much over. For me at least, but I still have to find Tzuyu in the middle of this ocean of people. I keep lying to myself thinking I’ve sobered up a bit after the whole… ordeal from before. From all the things that could have gone badly tonight, almost having sex with my stepsister wasn’t something I had contemplated. Dahyun was right, I keep outdoing myself. As you can see, my life can be resumed in only one sentence: ‘</span>
  <span>
    <em>you must be kidding me.’</em>
  </span>
  <span> Never before I’ve been lucky, as you can tell, so let me tell you already that the rest of the night will not be any different. Between my poor eyesight, these fucked up lights and the amount of people macerating in here, finding Tzuyu is an utterly impossible task. And so, after another hour wandering around, I finally give up and lean on the nearest wall, feeling sick as ever, sliding down to the nasty floor. Tonight didn’t go as planned, huh? Despite my best efforts, my mind keeps trying to go to places it doesn’t want to explore. I wonder what would have happened had Mina attended the party. Would have been her lips the ones giving me life? Would have been her hands the ones eagerly seeking for my body? Even if nothing had happened, at least I wouldn’t have to spend the next two months bathing in holy water as I plan to do the moment I get home. We can start with a simple bath, however. Or a shower. I need a shower so badly right now — a cold one.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Someone hovers over my wasted body and crunches beside me before speaking right into my ear: “You look so pretty, Strawberry Princess.” Right when I thought the night couldn’t get any worse, a wild Nayeon appears. “You can get hurt if you stay here.” </span>
  <span>
    <em>I don’t care.</em>
  </span>
  <span> Holy cow, I can’t even focus on her face thoroughly enough to sneer. Before I can refuse, she slides one arm behind my back and starts pulling me up. “Come on, up we go.”</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Not that I want to go anywhere with her, but I’m tired, intoxicated, my feet hurt from these awful heels and she’s right, so I let her help me. Together, we make good advances towards what I’m pretty sure is the bathroom. Surprisingly enough, it’s very late but there’s no line. Are these really the girl’s restrooms? This is going to hurt so much tomorrow, why did I believe doing this to myself was a good idea? I should have been the sober driver, not Tzuyu. </span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Nayeon turns on the faucet and the water starts running. Our reflection is blurry to my eyes but her back is close enough for me to see in full 2160p. I snort at my own mental joke. She’s wearing that gauzy white dress that makes her shoulders and hips look amazing, the one with all the tiny and shiny stone chains. I love that dress so much. My eyes sway down to her butt and legs, and I have to force myself to look away because even blind I can see her observing me through the mirror. Have I mentioned I’m wet? Well, now I’m even more wet, literally — she splashes some water on my face, carefully, trying not to mess my makeup. Not that I would mind, however — I plan on going home as soon as I find Tzuyu. Right, I need to go find Yoda. </span>
  <span>
    <em>The Force must guide me…</em>
  </span>
  <span> I’m not sure if I’ve said that out loud, although I don’t think I have since she seems to want to get closer to me.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>It starts rather innocently. Nayeon caresses the back of my hand before bringing it to her lips. Never breaking eye contact, she tenderly kisses my knuckles one by one. You won’t ever go to sleep without learning something new: I didn’t know a broken heart could still hurt. Frozen in my spot, I can only observe her as she affectionately rubs her cheek on my palm and kisses it again, this time closing some of the space between us.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Her red lips articulate in slow motion as she utters: “I meant it when I said you looked gorgeous tonight, baby.” My dry mouth can’t give the answer that I want. “Should I be jealous? You never dressed like that for me.” </span>
  <span>
    <em>What the...?</em>
  </span>
  <span> Even in my hazed brain that comment sinks like a kick. It’s offensive to say the least that anyone, especially her, would assume I’m looking my best for anybody but myself… even though I planned all of this with the purpose of getting Mina to like me. That’s beside the point! But then I realize why she would say that and my face flushes the color of shame. “Your lipstick’s gone,” she keeps talking as she caresses my cheek. I would love to say I didn’t just lean into her touch but it feels so soft I can’t help myself. “Someone’s had a fun night.” The way she says it is lighthearted, casual, and yet there’s this shine in her eyes, one so intense that could burn my skin. “You can’t go around like this. Here, have some of mine.” </span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>With such brazenness, as the lines between me and her start fading, her lips touch my lips and I feel like crying. Who I hate more, Nayeon or myself, I don’t know at this moment, but that pales in comparison to the overpowering need tickling my body and my head, demanding to be fulfilled — the need of washing off my skin the catastrophic events of the night. That (and only that) is the reason why I kiss back, the reason why I let myself being pulled into some of the most self-destructive things I could possibly be doing in a night like this. So tragic. Not to be dramatic or anything but this pattern of behavior has been announced long enough and it’s already too late for me to do anything about it. There’s no book or study that can pinpoint the moment a losing streak becomes your normal life or a blue mood turns out to be just your personality. There’s no hope for the doomed. As of now, this is who I am, the girl of the sad life — the one who can’t get her head above water without a wave choking her right away. It’s been like this for a while now, but tonight? This night is the peak of it. Since there’s nothing I can do to change any of the past or present events neither mentally nor physically in my actual state, at least without making a complete fool of myself, I decide to give up fighting the waves and let myself go with the stream. Once you’ve already choked and died, you can’t keep drowning, anyway.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Upon locking the door from the inside, we engage in what could only be described as a steamy kiss. Nayeon's arms wrap perfectly around my neck </span>
  <span>like</span>
  <span> they were the missing piece of a puzzle. It’s exactly as painful as it sounds. People in movies and dramas drink to numb their feelings but I’ve drank more than I should have for this life and the next one and this still burns. What a joke. Life is just a bunch of lies and pools of tears and you’re supposed to stand it. Wait for the blow and only be thankful it hasn’t killed you. That’s what they teach us. </span>
</p>
<p class="western">“<span>I’ve missed you so much,” Nayeon murmurs against my lips before her bunny teeth start nipping on my neck. </span></p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Another blow. </span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>It’s funny, really. Well, almost. No, not funny at all – maybe only for the brain cells that are dying right now since they don’t have to keep standing this bullshit. Did she have to lose me so she’d appreciate me? That would be a great plot for a drama and Nayeon loves those. Still, if there’s one person in this world that cannot make me swallow their lies anymore, that’s her. The worst part of our so called </span>
  <span>
    <em>‘love story’ </em>
  </span>
  <span>is that I would have been so pathetic to forgive her if she had just pretended to have made a mistake instead of hitting it off with Minho, and even beyond that. If a few months ago she had come to me with the tale of a scared and closeted girl that had panicked at the thought of her first relationship with another girl getting serious, I would have bought it. But she didn’t because she was too busy playing with her new toy. This is actually something pretty frequent with girls like Nayeon or Sana-eonnie. They want a lot and try to obtain all they can get, but only for a while — then they get bored and throw it away like an empty can of soda, enchanted by something shiny and new. Everyone is an asset for them to use as the Queens of the story, and that’s… that’s not fair. Also, South Korea is a republic and there’s no such thing as royalty, they… they have no power over the rest of us. They must realize.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>The moan that she produces when I tug on her lip with my teeth pales in comparison to her gasp of astonishment when I give a firm squeeze to her butt with both hands and turn us over, trapping her between my body and the bathroom door. My hands run around her hips, up and down her waist as hungry mouths clash once more. She does that again, the thing that irritates me the most — she keeps me as close as our bodies let us like she wants us to merge together, as if she needs my oxygen to stay alive. Only for this one time I let her. Yes, I lead her to believe the ball is on her roof and right when she thinks she has the power, when her long fingers sloppily tangle with my locks and mess my ponytail, when a sneaky knee tries to separate my legs, I withdraw.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Nayeon’s dark gaze never leaves me, bold confusion plastered on her face as I slowly step back towards the bathroom counter and lean on it as seductively as one can manage when she’s drank enough alcohol to disinfect all the stalls. Her bunny smile doesn’t take long to appear, as dazzling as always. She chases after me and settles comfortably between my legs. I’m glad to see she’s enjoying this little mouse and cat game, at least for now.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">“<span>What a woman you’ve become.” She can’t just keep her mouth shut, can she? This time I go all in, sucking her tongue and grazing her lip with my teeth before taking grasp of a fist full of hair and pulling. Not that I yank hard or anything, I don’t want to hurt her — still, the girl cries out and her eyes widen. </span></p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Communicating things only with your eyes is hard enough already — doing so when you are blind and, on top of all, intoxicated is almost impossible. Really, my eyes can barely focus. Yet, somehow, Nayeon does understand and begins the slow way down my neck, stopping to kiss and bite the exposed skin on my chest in advance to finally kneeling. Pretending there’s no thrill or excitement in my chest at seeing her like this would be an unashamed lie; however, I can assure you this sentiment isn’t clouded by the poisoning mist of romance. Once the realization sinks in my mind, I start feeling sober again, awake for the first time after long months of lethargy. Fuck, I become such a poet when I drink — all of this only to say I’m so horny I’m even sweating, and thankfully there are no sad hopes or fluttering feelings that could spoil the sexy fun.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Her hands burn against my thighs when she raises my dress all the way the fabric allows her. Only then, long fingers hook around the band of my underwear. She discards it unhurriedly, enjoying the slick and wet trail it leaves on the skin of my legs as it goes down. I’m so glad it occurred to me to wear some fancier panties than usual since I was determined to look all femme fatale for a night. This might have been the only break fate has given me in a while.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Then, I hear her curse. “Did I make you this wet?” she asks and immediately after biting the inside of my thigh. Something tells me it shouldn’t have felt this good. “Or was it someone else?”</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>For some reason, she still believes she can keep acting like this with me, like she’s the one calling the shots and I’m only a teen amazed by her presence. Even though I could answer something very sassy, I stop myself only for the sake of my mental health — because we all know who got me like this in the first place and that’s a dark place I don’t want to go to, much less disclose to her. The anticipation makes my legs shiver when it’s finally resolved and I have to bite on my lower lip not to let a single sound leak out. She deserves none of it. What once started as innocently as a kiss on my hand, now has turned into tiny kisses and long laps to my center, purposely avoiding my clit to drive me insane. Joke’s on her, I’ve never minded her little torture games and, in fact, I’ve always enjoyed a little extra attention to my folds. </span>
  <span>
    <em>Jeez, I’ve missed this…</em>
  </span>
  <span> Not her, although maybe part of me has missed her doing it too. What I mean is </span>
  <span>
    <em>this</em>
  </span>
  <span> — hands groping my legs, a skilled tongue working on me, the electric </span>
  <span>current</span>
  <span> making my limbs feel like jelly and the heat gathering slowly. The outburst. I’ve been longing after this for so long, it doesn’t take a lot to make me come. Orgasming by someone else’s doing has always felt special — the peak of ecstasy framed by violent contractions of muscles that leave the way in favor of a delightful relaxation. This time, I drop my silence treatment, stop fighting and allow myself to enjoy it fully. Moans and gasps that were never again meant to be for her come one after the other in a never-ending chain of pleasure that chokes me and makes my mind go blank. It makes me forget — I forget the kisses, the caresses, bites and touches staining my skin, but also all the bitter tears and the pain I felt as I shatter like crystal. It’s only for a second; a second in which I pull her back for a hungry and meaningful kiss, tasting the dripping honey on her lips, feeling her hands all over me. </span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Recklessly, I allow it to fill the void inside my chest with tiny droplets of contentment. But a void is not a container and the drops spill and fade the moment she says under her breath: “I know what you want, baby.” Two long fingers coat themselves in the remains of my pleasure and hurriedly enter me. My head yanks back so hard if it wasn’t because of my ponytail, I swear I could have broken the mirror. I barely need to adjust to the feeling, she’s always been so good at this. The moment they curl and hit that spot, the curtain falls and forgetting becomes reminiscing. All the times she did this to me while swearing and perjuring that she loved me, all the secrecy and the pretension I was convinced I had to put up with for our own sake when it was only for hers. The moment I saw her hooking up with that guy…</span>
</p>
<p class="western">“<span>Take them out.” I order, coldly. Nayeon raises her head and stares at me with a frown, slowing down her motions. “Out. Now!”</span></p>
<p class="western">
  <span>She quickly steps back with her arms raised, face full of concern. Concern? No, that would mean she cares and she doesn’t. Never has, and never will. From all the things I need to remember, this is the most important one and I can’t let my numb </span>
  <span>mind</span>
  <span> overlook it. I hide my face like my shame, behind my hands, trying to block the annoying light of the bathroom. Trying to think.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">“<span>Are you ok? I’m so…” She better not say it again, “…sorry.” There it is. Such an empty apology. She’s a very good actress, she could fake a good one but that would demand some effort and that’s more that she’s ever been willing to do for me. </span></p>
<p class="western">
  <span>What a fool I’ve been.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">“<span>What I want…” A deep sigh leaves my lips and my hands run back through my hair. I try to pull on the worn-out elastic band and it breaks right away, making my long mane fall like a chaotic cascade. Oh, well, so much for maintaining my impeccable look the whole night. Nayeon is looking at me, dumbfounded — whether it is due to my sudden snap or the dark lust still present in her eyes, I’m not sure, but still I take my time to fix my hair. Then, I walk around her to press my body against her back. “I wonder what that is.” Nayeon’s eyes are fixed on mine through the mirror while one hand settles on her hip as the other presses forward, bending her against the sink, not much, but enough to get the gasp I want to elicit from her. </span></p>
<p class="western">
  <span>What I want. What I really want is to yell at her, but the words I want to say won’t just come out so I put her hair away and lick the length of her ear shell before nipping it. What I really want is to hit her, but I would never do such a thing, and so my fingernails sink into the flesh of her uncovered thigh and run up, leaving red trails that end on the border between tender skin and underwear. What I want, huh? What I really, really want is to make her feel the misery, the pain and the isolation that she caused to me. I do, I want to believe that as my fingers bury inside of her and my palm rubs on her clit, as her wetness drench my hand and her moans fill my ears, I want to believe that she knows, that my feelings are reaching. And when she’s on the edge, desperately begging for me to go just a tad faster and fuck her senseless, when I back off and she almost falls to the ground, unsatisfied, frustrated and confused, and she looks at me in the eye, I know she’s feeling it. Embarrassment and loneliness. That’s how I leave her in that nasty bathroom, with her messy hair, ragged clothes, flustered skin and tears in her falling slowly down her cheeks.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>For some reason, I don’t enjoy it. </span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>***</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>It’s past lunch when I’m finally able to resurrect and drag the lame remains of my body down to the kitchen. Be proud, I manage not to vomit. To say I’m hung over would be a severe understatement — I’m sick as ever, period. Maybe I got the flu last night, a particular type of flu called gin, whisky or makgeolli. Whatever it is, I feel like I want to die. Lucky me, my parents don’t seem to be at home. Also, they’ve been very kind allowing me to rest in peace after coming back at… </span>
  <span>5</span>
  <span> a.m., maybe? Who knows. Well, Tzuyu does — she had only one shot in the whole night, and by the time she found me… I believe I was a mess. There are some blurry pictures of last night floating in my head but they’re like drenched, sinking in the pit of a dirty lake of vomit and alcohol. At least my School Meal Club pal took care of my lame ass.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>The only thing I really want to forget but can’t comes down the stairs the moment I start trying to drown myself with water, moving slowly probably hoping to make the room stop spinning around. Damn, she still looks pretty even when looking like Hell itself has munched and then spitted her sorry ass. Sana-eonnie doesn’t even realize I’m sitting at the kitchen table, she just opens the fridge and when she doesn’t find the jar of fresh water, she moves barely enough to rest her head inside the sink and lets the water pour. A picture I never thought I would see: Minatozaki Sana so </span>
  <span>crap</span>
  <span>-faced she’s stopped giving a damn. Where are her princess-like manners and arrogant attitude now?</span>
</p>
<p class="western">“<span>Stop… water here.” I manage to say in a hoarse voice. I’m not sure if it’s been all the yelling from last night, the cold night or the burning alcohol, but speaking hurts too much. </span></p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Sana-eonnie jolts in her place as she didn’t expect me around and cries out. She’s probably hit her face with the faucet, what a crackhead. My brain is going to explode, I can’t even laugh without feeling dizzy. I’m never drinking again, I swear. My stepsister won’t either by the look of her right now. She finally spots me and downs the rest of the water in the jar so fast I’m almost afraid she’s going to choke and die. I couldn’t save a fly right now so she better not. Thankfully, she finishes the jar and refills it before tying up her drenched hair in a messy bun. Then, she takes a big bowl of leftovers from last night and two sets of chopsticks. Handing them to me, she freezes with her eyes fixated somewhere below my chin — a hickey, probably Nayeon’s doing. How do I tell my stepsister she hasn’t likely been the one to leave marks on my body last night? I don’t know if I’m most troubled about the fact that she could have been the one who did this or that another person did and it was my ex. We eat breakfast in silence. </span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>At some point, when my stomach seems to settle a bit, I dare to put the tiny box I should have given her last night on the table and open my mouth: “You left your contact lenses here,” Sana-eonnie stops her motions momentarily but seems unbothered when she takes the box and resumes eating a big chunk of tough meat. “</span>
  <span>I think you took mine</span>
  <span>.” No reaction at all. Look, I don’t want to think about this either, I still need a bleach shower after last night, but I think the most sensitive thing would be talking this through. Now, how do I tell her that? “Do you remember what hap-?“</span>
</p>
<p class="western">“<span>Yes,” she answers, dryly.</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>And you remember…?” </span><span><em>That you wanted to have sex with me anyway</em></span><span>. I can’t even say it out loud, I hope she’s caught my drift.</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>Yes.” </span></p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Her eyes never leave her food, not a single quick glare. I am mortified for obvious reasons but I didn’t think she would be this affected. A popular girl like her must have got wasted many times and done a lot of crazy stuff. Unless… There’s something that doesn’t quite fit with the events of the party, and maybe it’s just now that my brain cells seem to be able to catch their breath that I’m realizing: since when does Sana-eonnie like girls? I was so focused on the fact that I almost committed incest that I didn’t stop to realize she was the one who came onto me in the first place. </span>
  <span>
    <em>Sweet cheese</em>
  </span>
  <span>. As the committed and understanding lesbian I am, I do the thing I believe I’d like someone to do for me in a situation like this.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">“<span>Should we pretend nothing happened and never talk about it again?”</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>That would be amazing, thank you.” Her words are fast, but not as much as her when she stands and practically runs back upstairs. I’m impressed she hasn’t fallen down. </span></p>
<p class="western">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next chapter will come out on May 11th!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. In which you have a friend in me. Chaeyoung.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">“Tzuyu-yah, I love you, stop hating me,” I whine when, for the thousandth time this week, I try to apologize to my friend. At least today she doesn’t sneer at me and roll her eyes but instead she seems to relax a bit. She even goes a step farther and leans against my back.</p><p class="western">You might think Chou Tzuyu, a perfect student with model-like proportions, Force Master, would be upset for having had to deal with the drunk mess I was all by herself after spending the night avoiding drooling baboons, but no. The reason why one of my best friends has been pretty much mad at me for the last few days is because I didn’t give her the chance to fraternize with my stepsister while I did with the President of the School Meal Club, apparently resulting in Sana-eonnie becoming very fond of our beloved tofu. Yes, <span>my stepsister</span> has recently acquired this habit of stopping by our table at lunch to cuddle and kiss Dahyun for a while and the fangirl in Tzuyu is not having it. If you’re wondering about our current situation as sisters, we seem to be under a peace treaty — I mean, we haven’t fought in a while and my parents are very pleased indeed. What they don’t know is that far from getting along, what happens in reality is that in order to have an argument, you’d need to acknowledge the existence of the other person in the first place. We have been ignoring each other, and even though it might seem a bit too much, you need to understand: if I can’t look at her in the eye anymore, try to imagine her embarrassment. Furthermore, it’s not like I’ve been very aware of her since I have been trying to <span>re-think</span> my plan on how to woo Mina if she insists on making things difficult, starting by taking a desperate shot at <span>using that </span>same style of western makeup <span>so</span> <span>she</span> <span>is </span>able to see it.</p><p class="western">Then what about Mina, you’ll ask? No advances, at all. I swear every day passing I see her more and more straight a<span>nd that is turning out to be a pill harder to swallow than I foresaw</span>. The worst part came on Wednesday, when she stopped sitting with us at lunch. It wasn’t my fault, I swear! You see, Myoui Mina is not only an Art student, but also a ballerina — I found out about this first thing on Tuesday when I caught her practicing alone in the gym. No, I wasn’t stalking her, I just happened to be there… just because! The sight of her precise, gracious moves along with her expression and the music was the closest thing to a mystical experience I’ve ever witnessed. Mina moves like air and flows like water — every turn, every jump felt like a tender caress on your heart, which will shatter the moment the music changes and everything turns harrowing. I cried, don’t tell anybody. Everything felt too much in my chest not to let it out, so I took the most familiar route to channel my emotions and started drawing her in my sketchbook. It was so frustrating. Despite my best efforts I couldn’t seem to portray her grace, her ethereal presence. She was the very depiction of a black swan. Frustration became irritation and irritation turned into a groan that disclosed my position. Thankfully, Mina wasn’t too disgusted at my <span>stalkiness</span>. She was in fact as soft and sweet as always, telling me how she couldn’t find any <span>chance </span>to be able to practice regularly apart from a couple of dance-related classes, so my dumb mind thought it would be a great idea to blurt out: “Have you tried joining the Dance club?”</p><p class="western">Yeah, maybe it was my fault, because the next day Mina tried for the club and now she’s going to be sitting next to Sana three tables away from us. If I ever dreamed of being able to charm her or just to befriend her, that’s gone out of the window. Have I mentioned I hate my life?</p><p class="western">“Don’t be mad at the cub,” Dahyun says and readjusts the beanie on her head now Sana-eonnie has left for her table after crushing her in a tight hug and ignoring my existence. “There are times in life when you need to accept Sana-eonnie pref-” She can’t finish the sentence before Yoda starts pouting and becomes the cutest thing in the room. “Oh, come on! I can’t with that face! Chae, tell her to stop!” I would, if I didn’t want to cuddle her so hard. Instead, I wrap my arm around her waist and rest my head on her shoulder.</p><p class="western">“Aren’t you mad she’s having sinful thoughts about your sister?” When Tzuyu starts talking robotically, you can tell she wants to be mean.</p><p class="western">“I’m not!” Dahyun replies, turning crimson red and diverting her gaze from us.</p><p class="western">Honestly, I don’t know what my friends think anymore and even if they did I’m not exactly the right person to comment on it, right? <em>Ew!</em> A shiver shakes my spine and bristles the hairs on my nape. I don’t even want to think about it.</p><p class="western">“I’m not, Chaeyoung-ah!” Dahyun looks about to cry. Is she okay? It’s not that big of a deal.</p><p class="western">“Yoda, don’t be mean.” With a light slap on her shoulder, I stand and flick Dubu’s forehead. She blinks twice before relaxing her frown and holding my hand. “Don’t fight, please.” I tangle our fingers and, with my other hand, gather my stuff.</p><p class="western">“Trouble in paradise?” a fruity voice asks behind me. It can only belong to one person.</p><p class="western">My friends look behind me before I do and articulate wide smiles. How different from my reaction. It was about time I bumped into her; actually, it’s been surprising the fact that we hadn’t seen each other with all the time I spend looking at Mina in the sports building. Yoo Jeongyeon.</p><p class="western">“Jeongyeon-eonnie!” My friends bow their heads. It’s so funny how they always become so serious and polite whenever Jeong is around.</p><p class="western">“Where have you been, eonnie? We hoped to see you <span>around campus</span>, at least.” Despite Tzuyu’s still tone, she manages to sound invested.</p><p class="western">“Yeah, me too.” I can’t even look at her. “I was actually waiting for <em>someone</em> to come herself. I’m a bit hurt she didn’t.”</p><p class="western">A knot chokes me the moment I gather the strength to turn around. Shit, my eyes are filling with unshed tears. How can I face her if she’s looking at me like that? Jeongyeon-eonnie has always been so good to me. She might be my No Jam Bro, but I’ve been the worst bro ever. Her expression is so tender I can’t just hold it and let my gaze fall to the ground.</p><p class="western">“I’m sorry, eonnie. I…” How can I start explaining the way I needed to run from them, from Nayeon, when everything was carried in the most absolute secrecy? What can I say? That I’m sorry I couldn’t stand being around them after Nayeon miserably broke my heart? No, I might hate her to my guts but I’m not that despicable. I would never out her.</p><p class="western">“Look, I know you guys aren’t on the best terms right now...” I can feel my friends tensing behind me. They’re sweet but they have nothing to worry about, I can handle this. Damn, I’ve got very good at lying and hiding, haven’t I? “… but I miss my friend. And Jihyo does too, a lot.”</p><p class="western">“I’m not sure Nayeon-eonnie would be happy to have me around you.” That’s not a lie. After the party and all what happened there I haven’t seen her — she hasn’t tried to talk to me again, which I expected, <span>nor I have </span>suffered any kind of retaliation on her behalf. That scares me a bit, to be honest.</p><p class="western">“Nayeon can eat shit for all I’m concerned. We miss you, I mean it.”</p><p class="western">Before I have the chance to come up with any other sad resemblance of an excuse, Jeongyeon-eonnie wraps me in a tight hug. Her long cascade of soft, brown hair tickles my face but I don’t care, no — all I can think about is how much I missed her comforting arms around me, making me feel everything is going to be okay. One thing you must know about Yoo Jeongyeon is that she never gives affection that easily and when she does it is to someone really dear to her. Being one of those people makes a tear shed and run down my cheek. I try to stop it by hiding my face in her neck, in vain, of course, since another follows. Crap.</p><p class="western">“Aww! The cub is crying,” she picks on me when she feels the gathering the wetness on her shirt, and she starts softly patting my butt.</p><p class="western">“Yah! I’m not, shut up.”</p><p class="western">The laughter of my friends disappears to my ears the moment I see a familiar figure passing by. It’s only when Mina sits down beside Seulgi that she catches my stare and smiles briefly. Only that, a brief smile from afar. Not a<em> hi,</em> not a <em>Chaeng</em>, not her gummy smile or a brief exchange of words. Is she having a bad day? No, she’s laughing along with the girls of the Dance club.</p><p class="western">Did I offend her in any way?</p><p class="western"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">The universe hates me. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this before, but it’s a fact — one that reiterates itself every week if not more often. Between my classes and the turmoil around because of some silly conference, I haven’t been able to talk to Mina. Of course, this would have been easier if I had her phone number in the first place, but the truth is that I haven’t asked for it… and we are not that close yet, I don’t think so. I mean, were I to ask, Mina could get the wrong impression, being said impression that I’m a predatory lesbian who’s only after her perky dancer butt. Tzuyu says I’m being overly dramatic and Dahyun that she probably doesn’t even fathom the possibility of me, a girl, being after her — the fact that she’s right hurts a little bit. She didn’t mean it that way but she’s right nonetheless.</p><p class="western">Despite all the things you’re seeing lately, I promise I’m usually a very unbothered and relaxed person, it’s just these few last months have been really stressing and now I’m fearful of something bad happening at every sign. I know what you might be thinking: ‘<em>a girl you’ve known for a few weeks and you’re not even close enough with to have her number doesn’t greet you once, what’s the big deal?</em>’ and I would have absolutely thought the same thing only last year but now things are different. So much has changed — I can’t just relax because when I do that things tend to take me aback, and they are never pleasant surprises. This is the reason why I, Son Chaeyoung, being the kamikaze mess I am, am running to the gym where the Dance Club practices take place, all the way across campus. Could I have driven my motorcycle there so I would also have some kind of excuse like wanting to tell something to my stepsister or whatever? Of course, I could, I’ve just not given this enough thought. I guess thinking before acting is something that I’ll have to achieve next year, although it seems all I’m worrying and talking about might be just a trifle since they are not here. AND WHY ARE THEY NOT HERE?</p><p class="western">“You have to be kiddin-“</p><p class="western">“Oh! Are you from the Dance club?” An old lady in a yellow striped shirt appears through the thick door of the practice room. She doesn’t give me the time to answer before she adds: “The sound system of the room is under maintenance, the practice has been relocated to the tracks.”</p><p class="western">A normal human being would say thank you, bow and just divert their direction towards the tracks to resume their objective. The word <em>normal </em>is key. The first thing I do is thanking the lady, then I bow and leave the room, but don’t be fooled by this quiet display of <span>normalcy</span> — I am Son Chaeyoung, so instead of going to the tracks I go to the locker rooms. You see, I don’t think I’ve mentioned this but I used to be part of the athletics club in high school and I was planning to keep running so I technically am still in the club but last year I met Nayeon and our secret relationship required time, classes demanded a lot of effort too and things became overly complicated at home so I haven’t technically quit just yet but I’m basically the ghost member of the team. I don’t think they count on me anymore although I’m pretty sure my things are still there. What a fantastic moment to solve two problems with one shot. I even have some clothes to change into since I ran here under the sun and I’m sweaty and disgusting — not the way I want Mina to see me.</p><p class="western">After changing for some clean garments and presenting my renounce to the athletics team (and apologizing about sixteen times), I take a little detour to go through the tracks field. Casually. Not suspicious at all. I can hear the music before <span>I’m</span> able to see them. They’re dancing to some pop song, a <em>goldie oldie</em> like Dubu would say — or maybe not that old, but I’m teeny and time goes by at a different pace for me. What was the name again? My brain cells start collapsing once I get close enough to see them. It might be the season, but the field is hot as a furnace. Or is it just me? Perhaps it’s just me because Mina’s sporting her long brown mane loose and wild and… <em>Holy coconut</em>, I’m gay and panicking and I can’t stop the little squeak that leaves my lips. A couple of slender girls waiting for her turn at the side of the tracks get startled by my inhuman noises and turn around. What do I do? I basically jump out of their sight. Not that I would need to give much explanation about my presence since I’m Sana’s stepsister but it would be nice not to be seen, you know, watching them like a freak. Mina is such a sight, you don’t understand. Every move she makes is so fearless and elegant, and her expressions are so ravishing, what mortal could ever resist to look at this? My black swan Mina. Is it bad that I can’t stop looking at her lips? They’re like glistening under the sun, I hope it’s just her lip gloss and she’s not getting sunburnt. I doubt any of them have brought enough water or sun cream since they probably weren’t prepared to practice outdoors. Maybe I should go get some fans and fresh water before any of them faints or anything. <em>24 hours! That was the nam-</em> Oh, crap, they’re on the floor, they’re on the floor! <em>Don’t look at Mina’s butt wiggle, don’tlookatMina’sbuttwiggledon’tlookat…</em> Oh, I need to bath in holy water again. Great, Chaeyoung, you’re hiding behind the bushes in a random track suit and you’re watching a bunch of hot girls dance without being noticed. Not creepy, not creepy at all.</p><p class="western">A loud scream yanks me away from my moment of self-scorning. A football ball has fallen right in the middle of the formation. Luckily nobody has got hurt but it was dangerous. Where has the ball come from, anyway? <em>Oh!</em> I hadn’t realized the football team was practicing in the center of the field. Honestly, not even a straight girl would pay attention to shirtless boys when girls like these are dancing like that, right? I know for sure the School Meal Club wouldn’t.</p><p class="western">The formation spreads and someone turns off the music. I almost expected Momo-eonnie, the President of the club, to have a word with the guys to assure a safe practice for both groups in such an inconvenient situation but she seems to be too scared after the ball almost hits her right on the face. She’s fallen on her ass, both of her hands on her chest while Mina tries to help her out. Not that I know Momo-eonnie too much, just enough to know she looks fierce on the dance floor, a power of nature, but she’s a scaredy cat everywhere else. Sana and Momo-eonnie are joined to the hip, I swear. Of course a couple of crackheads like them would be the best of friends.</p><p class="western">It is, however, my step-sister the one who takes the ball in her hands and steps forward to meet one of the guys who are running to retrieve it. I only need to see the smirk on his face and the hard shadow in Sana-eonnie’s eyes to know this isn’t going to end well. He’s tall and athletic, brawny, handsome if you will — I think I’ve seen him around sometimes when I came to run with the team. He’s a senior, that’s for sure, you can tell that far from his attitude alone. If there’s something you can acknowledge Sana-eonnie for, that is her extroversion and the kindness that is linked to it — one she rarely offers to me but that’s a different matter. One of the reasons everyone loves her right away when they meet her is the fact that she’s just so nice you cannot help wanting to be around her. I know, I know that doesn’t sound like <em>my </em>Sana-eonnie, that’s just what I’ve observed during these few years of knowing her. She dazzles people with kindness, fake or not I’m not sure. That’s exactly why every alarm inside my head sets off when that cold shadow in her gaze turns into a blatant glare. I can’t hear what they’re saying but he doesn’t seem to be willing to repay Sana-eonnie’s politeness, so I leave my hiding spot and start approaching them cautiously. Then, my stepsister returns the ball to him and adds something, her face painted with a serious countenance that makes the boys laugh.</p><p class="western">“You hear that?” The guy releases a guffaw and steps towards her, who doesn’t flinch in the slightest. <em>Darn</em>, Sana-eonnie has some guts. If she’s struggling not to seem weak or if she’s scared, she’s not showing it at all. “You should practice here more often.” What he does next makes my chest burn and my jaw tense. He dares to enter eonnie’s personal space and raise her chin with a finger. It’s patronizing, a sickening gesture to intimidate her. To demean her. Their faces are so close their noses could touch. And then he adds: “To boost the guys’… morale.”</p><p class="western">My legs start moving before my mind can properly process it. Reaching their position as fast as they allow me, I put a hand on the sticky and disgustingly bare shoulder of the guy and separate him from Sana-eonnie, carefully yet firmly. Then, I stand between the two, trying to look as relaxed as possible. When you face a black bear and you don’t carry bear spray with you, you need to stand your ground and make lots of noise — black bears often bluff when attacking so if you show them you mean business, they may just lose interest. Plus, climbing a tree won’t help you get out of the situation, I read it somewhere. Probably Instagram. I cannot assure its veracity but it’s not like I have much of a choice now either.</p><p class="western">“You have your ball now. Please, let’s all be friends and continue with our practices, yes?” Despite the initial surprise, he soon falls back into that unimpressed smirk.</p><p class="western">“We’re just talking, not looking for trouble.” The guy tries to step forward again, but I stand immovable in his way.</p><p class="western">“Then you better not touch my sister again.” I <span>have no idea </span>where that has come from.</p><p class="western">The situation must look hilarious from the outside. Me, a 1’59 cm sophomore, backed by several lightweight dancers, against the burly guys from the football team. I wouldn’t blame you if you didn’t bet on me, but I can assure you if the situation requires it, I can fight with viciousness. I’m a pacifist, not a fighter at all, still I’m stronger than I look.</p><p class="western">The guy draws a smug grin on his annoying face and seems to have the intention to step closer when one of his guys put a hand on his shoulder and says: “Seungri-ssi, come on, we are wasting the team’s time.” For a second, I believe he’s just going to ignore his friend and continue this quarrel, but after a brief pause and a long, amused stare, he just bows his head slightly and turns around.</p><p class="western">Everyone seems to release deep sighs of relief, and despite the practice is technically far from over, Sana-eonnie dismisses her girls and sends Momo-eonnie to ask for another place to practice in the future. They might be in need of a big place if they want to keep practicing, yet the ample space doesn’t make it up for the burning sun and the poor company. Right when I try to get to Mina, she escapes like water between my fingers again, following Momo-eonnie to the secretary’s office. You have got to be kidding me.</p><p class="western">“What were you thinking?!” Great, now Sana is in full high-pitched <em>step-biatch</em> mode again. I really would rather have her ignoring me.</p><p class="western">“Are you ok?” I just ask, trying to loophole her fury.</p><p class="western">“What-were-you-thinking, you dwarf?!” Oh, here we go again. “What would you have done if he’d got violent, pick a fight with him?” She’s overly dramatizing this.</p><p class="western">“Maybe!” She rolls her eyes and covers her face with her hands in despair. When she runs them through her hair, she looks like she could pull it all out. Okay, maybe this is not the right time to mess with Sana. “I’m sorry, eonnie, of course I wouldn’t. I know you were handling him but he was being all… mean and I just couldn’t stay back and watch while he tried to intimidate you like that.”</p><p class="western">Sana-eonnie seems to relax a bit but still keeps a stiff posture. Then, she folds her arms over her chest. The defenses this girl keeps putting up between us both are thicker and taller than the Great Wall of China, I swear. No, it’s not about THAT thing — on the contrary, it’s always been like this since the very first day she put a foot inside our household. Or even before that. I’m not sure if she’s more afraid of having a sister, a second family or to let us be part of her life.</p><p class="western">“Why not?” What did I do to bother the gods so much, I wonder? Dead mother, I get it can happen; cheating girlfriend, hard blow; lesbian in a conservative country, life’s pretty unfair; but the obnoxious stepsister I really can’t handle. “Why not?” she repeats in the same high-pitched voice. <em>Freaking</em> headstrong, infuriating, egoistic… girl.</p><p class="western">“What if he had overstepped? What if he had humiliated you?” What if the team would have followed his bravado? What if he had kissed you or touched you? Or the other girls? Mina? I would have thrown myself to his jugular. But those are unspoken things that don’t need to be said. Or maybe I just don’t dare to say them out loud.</p><p class="western">“What of it?”</p><p class="western">“<em>What of it?</em>! Come on, you’re just being annoying now, eonnie.” I start walking towards the street, slowly because I don’t want to leave too fast and that the <em>arsehole</em> takes the chance to go back to bother her. I’m not being paranoid, it’s a possibility. Suddenly, I feel a tug on my hand. When I turn around, Sana-eonnie’s retracting hers. Shyly? She rushes to fold back her arms and clears her throat.</p><p class="western">“Why do you care?” The tenderness of her voice, bordering insecurity, melts any trace of annoyance or anger that could have been tickling my skin.</p><p class="western">“You’re family now,” I reply, although it doesn’t seem to be an answer that satisfies her, “and also, that’s what friends are for.”</p><p class="western">Friends. Why not?</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>The next chapter will be up on May 25th!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. In which cookie dough becomes my favorite. Chaeyoung.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">Growing up, people were never surprised when they found out Kim Dahyun, Chou Tzuyu and I were best friends. On the contrary, they used to say we were so alike we were like triplets — saving the big gap between Tzuyu’s quietness and Dahyun intensity, of course. From the moment we met, I knew I had found the only people able to understand the craziness in my mind, my soul mates. We were sisters and so, when I came to the age when I realized I wasn’t straight, trying to hide it from them until I had it figured out was the most painful thing I had gone through since my mother passing away. I felt like I was lying to their faces, betraying them — part of me even felt the searing guilt at hiding such a thing and still keeping things normal: partying together, having sleepovers, hugging, kissing… As if I wasn’t giving them the chance to be repulsed by me and to reject me. The closet plays like that with your head, I guess, even if in my heart I knew they would always love me, unconditionally. When I finally gathered the strength to tell them, they hugged me tighter than ever before and told me everything would be alright. They understood me and they still do, on such a deep level that exceeds what I am able to explain with words.</p>
<p class="western">What the three of us have is something so powerful that sometimes I struggle believing other people in the world can hit it off the way we did and instantly create bonds this strong. That’s the reason why I am frozen in the threshold of my house, door ajar, gawking at the scene in front of me. Mina is being hugged from behind by Sana in my kitchen while Momo-eonnie wipes something from her face. They’re covered in some white dust head-to-toe, even the floor is a mess. The President of the Dance club is the first one to notice me; she says something in Japanese and the rest of the club’s J-line turns around. I’m positive I’m red to my hairline but I’m not sure if it’s from embarrassment at having Myoui Mina at my house or anger because my sister’s hands are now sitting way too low on her hips.</p>
<p class="western">“Oh, you’re home,” Sana-eonnie says in an indifferent tone while the other two bow slightly. I return the gesture the best I can and close the door behind me. “I didn’t realize it was this late.”</p>
<p class="western">“Where are mom and dad?” I try to talk casually, slowly, stopping myself from running upstairs to hide.</p>
<p class="western">“Out with friends.” Sana-eonnie’s stare on me is way too intense, I wonder if I’m being too obvious. If so… can Mina notice it too? Not again. I can feel my heart heavily pounding inside my chest, it’s harrowing. <em>I need to go, I need to-</em> “We’re having a sleepover.” And my brain shuts off. Mina in her pajamas. Mina. Mina in my house at night. Mina in her pajamas in my house at night. I can feel the blood rushing to my face, I can’t be here.</p>
<p class="western">“Chaeyoung-ah!” Before I can realize what’s happening and react accordingly for my mental health’s well being, Momo-eonnie’s hand is around mine, preventing me from escaping to the security of my bedroom.<em> Shucks</em>. “We’re baking cookies, we need some help,” she whines.</p>
<p class="western">“No, we don’t,” my sister sharply replies.</p>
<p class="western">My eyes try to look anywhere but Mina, unsuccessfully. The girl is like a force that attracts me like a magnet. I can’t resist her, it physically hurts. Her gummy smile is everything, all that matters in the universe. No one can be this beautiful, she can’t be real — and yet here she is, nodding her head, silently asking me to stay. How could I ever deny her anything? All my heart seeks is to make her happy. I swear my life would be full only being able to see her smiling forever.</p>
<p class="western">“Seems like you do, though.” Of course, none of my lame pinning for Mina will leave my lips. For now, at least, and until I’m able to find out if there’s the tiniest possibility of Mina liking girls. Life can’t be so perfect but as long as I don’t have a final ‘no’, I’ll keep dreaming — and staying cool. Always cool, Chaeyoung, never uncool. “The kitchen is a mess, eonnie.”</p>
<p class="western">Sana-eonnie turns around for a second, almost taken aback by the mess they’ve been able to make in such little time, pondering the fact that my very capable hands would be even useful for cleaning the flour dunes flooding the floor. I can’t find an explanation for those ones. Did someone throw the open bag? They better not have tried to attack my girl! Not that Mina is my girl but… you know what I mean. Finally, Sana-eonnie releases a deep sigh and reluctantly accepts my not really offered help. I’m not going to complain, however; this is the perfect opportunity to talk to Mina at long last.</p>
<p class="western">I’m not even kidding, some ancient God must be trying to toy with me. Why, you’ll ask? It’s been weeks, WEEKS, since I’ve been trying to talk to Mina but every time I’m about to approach her something comes up. Really, the most random thing: a fight starting in the cafeteria, the fire alarm setting off, a badly-timed classmate coming up to any of us, a random guy (or two) wanting to ask me out, Tzuyu almost murdering someone, freshmen being a burden… The last time was precisely today. I was outside the library when I saw Mina on her way to her last period and I was so, so close I almost got to touch her shoulder. Then, I heard it. Or her. There’s something about Nayeon’s voice that makes it impossible to ignore — it’s probably not her pitch but her volume, but saying it like that it would look like I dread being in the same space than her and that’s SO far from reality it’s hilarious to even consider it. I don’t give a single <span><em>dang</em></span> about her, barely acknowledge her existence. And so, when she asked her beloved boyfriend if he minded her to go home with the girls and he, busy with some video his friend was showing him, literally responded ‘<em>I don’t give a fuck’</em>, I didn’t give a <em>frick</em> either. No, I didn’t get mad the slightest bit at such lack of basic respect. Not at all. And since that didn’t bother me, I subsequently didn’t lose sight of Mina and get angry at myself because I shouldn’t care anymore. Because I don’t. Care, I mean. She has what she deserves anyway, it was her who decided to change an adoring and respectful relationship with me for whatever she has now. Her problem, not mine.</p>
<p class="western">Now, the only thing occupying my head is flour. Tons of it. Why am I even cleaning their mess while they can keep cooking and having fun? Oh, yeah, so I can listen to Mina’s sweet laugh. Worth it. Really, I’m not generally bothered by housework but can they stop speaking Japanese so I can at the very least understand the conversation if not even engage in it? Only Mina answers in Korean from time to time. I don’t think that would be so much to ask, especially if I have to keep watching everybody’s hands around Mina. Not wanting to assume it is a Japanese thing, I won’t settle for such a general misconception and I’ll just <span>presume</span> that these girls really have no boundaries — <span>particularly</span> Tweedledee and Tweedledum. Momo-eonnie keeps playfully spanking the girls (<em>don’t think she’s touching Mina’s butt, don’t think she’s touching Mina’s butt…</em>) at some word they keep repeating, probably picking on her. In addition, Sana is so close to the ballerina their shoulders keep brushing and, what’s worse, she keeps whispering whatever on her ear. At some point, I even wonder if she’s doing it on purpose to elicit some reaction from me. Never in the last three years I’ve seen Sana-eonnie behaving like this. I’m so confused. Sana-eonnie, she’s acting… bubbly, somehow flirty, yes, but mostly warm. She keeps hugging her friends so adoringly that anyone would think she’s an actual sunshine of a person. Not that I’m not cautious whenever someone is around Mina but if someone in the world can make her laugh and smile like that, that person must be good — I just never thought that person could be Sana-eonnie.</p>
<p class="western">“Satang…” Momo-eonnie adds something in Japanese that makes her turn around and grab a tiny cookie from the first batch. Then, she approaches while blowing at it and offers it to the President, who leans to grab the cookie with her teeth… but gets pranked. Sana-eonnie pulls out, giggling like a fool — giggles soon become laughter at Momo-eonnie’s confused countenance, more and more as she keeps falling for the same trick and whining like a child.</p>
<p class="western">“How are you so good at this?” Mina’s laugh never fails to take me to heaven.</p>
<p class="western">Finally, Momo-eonnie gets her cookie and Sana wraps her arms around her waist to apologize. Momo plays hard to get at first, but soon they go back to their goofy selves, baking while Momo feeds Sana and Mina over her shoulder. I’m flabbergasted, to be honest. There are two forces fighting inside of me: the one that knows how spoiled and twisted she is and therefore wants to kill her every time she puts her arms around Mina, and a new one, curious and somewhat bashful, that opens to the strange need to be friends with my stepsister. That is until I remember who Sana-eonnie really is.</p>
<p class="western">“You have some dough on your cheek, Mitang!” This is the first time Sana has spoken in Korean to them in front of me in about an hour, and why? Because she wants to draw my attention so I can watch her cupping my black swan’s cheeks as she brushes some dough and flour with her thumbs only to eat it afterwards in front of a flustered Mina. What-the-heck-does-she-think-she-is-doing?!</p>
<p class="western">I freeze. <em>Oh, crap! </em>Sana’s triumphant smile says everything. I don’t know what I’ve done but I’ve definitely exposed myself. Now I won’t hear the end of it. What a… meannie, she was waiting for the right time!</p>
<p class="western">“Are you ok, Chaeyoung-ssi?” She’s challenging me. “You look tired.” I’ll punch that pretty face of hers.</p>
<p class="western">“We have abused your kindness, I’m so sorry.” There’s something soothing about Mina’s face. Not only her expression — her face. There’s a perfect balance in its structure that makes it comforting and so, so pleasing to look at. It’s the soft curve of her chin, her cute freckles displayed like constellations, the sweet shape of her lips against her perfect cheekbones. Yes, her cheekbones, perfectly sized to frame those big brown eyes that are staring into my unworthy soul.<em> Keep it cool, Chaeyoung!</em></p>
<p class="western">“No, no, I’m… just…” Exposed like a deer crossing the road, that’s how I feel. If Mina’s eyes are the most blinding light in the night, the mischief in Sana’s smile is what runs me over when I freeze. “I don’t understand what you’re saying, that’s all.”</p>
<p class="western">“Oh!” Everyone jolts at Momo-eonnie’s sudden yelp. “We’ve been speaking Japanese!” This girl is a living Sim about 99% of the time and then she has some moments where she seems to wake up, as if her Sim Master has finally given her a command. It’s kind of and adorable trait if you think about it. Right now, said order must be to hug my head because before I can do anything, my face is buried in her shoulder. Long enough to find it comfortable, however. “I’m sorry, Chaeyoung-ah.” Momo-eonnie smells yummy, like cookies.</p>
<p class="western">“Too bad,” Sana-eonnie’s far from over. She leans her head on Mina’s shoulder and, not content with that, feeds her a cookie that the unaware girl munches happily. “I thought you were getting into Japanese lately.” Oh, she didn’t just say that. Her evil grin grows impossibly on her face. “Saw you borrowing my old books.”</p>
<p class="western">“Uhm…” <em>She’s so dead.</em> “I thought I could try a bit… you know, so I can understand you and mom better… now we’re a family and getting along and all that stuff.”</p>
<p class="western">There’s a tiny silence in which Sana-eonnie seems to repeat my answer inside her head, wavering. Tiny, because Momo-eonnie’s deafening yelp startles us all as she wraps me in the tightest of embraces.</p>
<p class="western">“Cute!” I’m glad someone appreciates it but ouch, my ear. “I’m so jealous, Satang, I want a sister too.”</p>
<p class="western">“But you already have a sister, Momoring,” Mina says in her soft, calming voice.</p>
<p class="western">“Hana wouldn’t defend me from a spider or help me if I was drowning in flour.” Momo-eonnie whines and holds me so close to her face I can feel her breath tickling my ear. It almost feels wrong being this close to Momo-eonnie when Mina is right here, in front of me — no need to tell me it’s a stupid thought, I know I’m nothing to her. To be honest, I’m still not sure I can be considered a friend, maybe more like an acquaintance, but still my heart sinks.</p>
<p class="western">Suddenly, a harsh pull from my arm yanks me away from her warmth.</p>
<p class="western">“Well, this is my sister, so hands off.”</p>
<p class="western">Talking about weird behaviors and odd reactions. Not even once in three years Sana-eonnie has referred to me as her sister or cared about… well, me. I’m going to tell you something here, a thought in which I don’t want to dwell much: there is this very much twisted part of my brain that wonders if this sudden sort of affection has anything to do with a certain incident. A tiny one, just a couple of brain cells, really. The rest of it is despairingly hoping on this being the first sign of Sana’s walls breaking to the possibility of having a family again. Maybe someday she will stop keeping this distance between us and we could have something like what the J-line has. Maybe someday Sana will be willing to brighten my day like that too.</p>
<p class="western">“See?” Then, Mina speaks in Japanese and Sana-eonnie pouts and whines. We might be getting along lately but I still think she’s way too old to keep acting like a baby.</p>
<p class="western">“Come, Momo. We’ll start eating the cookies without them!” Am I wrong or Sana-eonnie has just given me a side glare? She grabs the plate with the first batch of cookies and hooks a finger around one of the belt loops of her friend’s jeans to take her along. It is a very bad idea to leave Sana-eonnie to maneuver with a plate in one hand with no supervision but I’m no fool.</p>
<p class="western">Mina and I are alone, and now I don’t even now what to say to her.</p>
<p class="western">“Mina-eonnie.” So I do what I know best and rush head-first towards the abyss. Not even her gummy smile can stop me now. “Uh… mhmm…” Or maybe it can. Oh, beautiful smile.</p>
<p class="western">“Everything ok, Chaeyoungie?” she asks as she turns to wipe the kitchen counter. No, if she keeps calling me that, nothing will be alright. ‘<em>Chaeyoung.exe has stopped working</em>’.</p>
<p class="western">“Uh… I was wondering… just that.” Mina looks at me, blissfully unaware. It’s likely just me imagining stuff, why do I even bother her with such a trifle? Because I need to know. “Have I done anything to upset you?” If I have, I’ll end myself right here, right now. Okay, maybe not, but that’s the overall feeling.</p>
<p class="western">Mina seems surprised. That’s good, right? That either means she doesn’t have a clue and all of this has been a product of my gaymagination that needs to stop reading lesbian fan fiction OR she’s astonished by my very intuitive perception and even moved by my interest in her feelings. A girl can dream.</p>
<p class="western">“Why?”</p>
<p class="western">“Mhmm… Oh! Must be nothing then, just me overthinking.” Now all I want is the earth to swallow me. But Mina won’t let this slide, she approaches me and all I can think about is that right now if I extended my arm, I could caress her cheek. I bet Mina’s skin is soft as velvet. “It’s nothing, forget it.” Before the girl can insist, the oven alarm goes off. I have never needed a cookie more than I do right now.</p>
<p class="western">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p class="western">What started like a pretty normal, awful day has become a wonderful afternoon. Momo-eonnie is the big sister I never thought I needed but once I’ve found her, I’m not willing to let her go. She gets me, she just gets me. I’m glad to know I’m not the only one that knows the cringiest and trendiest silly dances on the Internet — we’re both hip with the kids! She followed me on every single one and I followed her likewise, embedded<span> in</span> Sana and Mina-eonnie’s endless laughter. They also <span>joined us</span> at some point even though I’m sure Sana-eonnie was giving another thought at her whole existence when we started with the Gangnam Style dance. No more Japanese has been spoken for the afternoon.</p>
<p class="western">They have turned out to be funnier than I thought. Sana and Momo-eonnie, I mean — of course I knew Mina would be delightful to be with. When the cookies were over and the kitchen was clean, we played rock-paper-scissors to see who would be the first one to take a shower. Momo-eonnie first and Mina second, then it would have been my turn, but I’ll let Sana-eonnie go first. The perks of being the big sister.</p>
<p class="western">It is during Momo-eonnie’s turn that Mina’s phone starts ringing and she goes upstairs to talk to her parents. That leaves us in the only company of the other. Contrary to what I thought, the silence we fall into while finishing washing the dishes is rather comfortable. Probably, it should have stayed that way but seeing this is the first time in a while I’ve been with Sana-eonnie alone in the same room, something in my brain has switched and somehow it makes me believe it is the right time to ask the question that has been bothering me.</p>
<p class="western">“Sanna-eonnie!” She turns her head to face me and passes me a soapy plate that I carefully put under the water stream. “Are you gay?”</p>
<p class="western">Before I can stop the water from running, she grabs my hand, looking startled, afraid even. <em>Crap</em>, I can truly be sensitive as a brick sometimes. What am I even asking? I wish I could take the question back and take this conversation through nicer ways, but I can’t do that now. I guess sometimes I can see why she doesn’t like me.</p>
<p class="western">“Am I…?” The confusion in her gaze disappears like the water through the drainpipe, turning into a familiar glare full of outrage. She’s panicking. “What?! Are you?!”</p>
<p class="western">“Yeah.” Sana-eonnie obviously didn’t expect such an outright response but that’s just the way things are. Why going around something we both know, especially if it’s her the one I’m talking to? She’s my sister after all.</p>
<p class="western">“Seriously, how can you be like that?” She releases the deepest sigh and turns off the faucet, not once looking at me in the eyes.</p>
<p class="western">“Gay?”</p>
<p class="western">“No, not <em>that</em>!” She doesn’t want to yell and alarm her friends, but she can’t help being a bit loud either. This is probably the worst moment I could have chosen to have this conversation. Well done, Chaeyoung. “Like this, so… Ugh!” Sana-eonnie looks defeated, it breaks my heart a bit. Then, she proceeds to dry her hands, seemingly very interested in the task. Finally, she responds: “I’m not… gay.” There’s something else but she mumbles it in the softest of ways and I can’t understand a single word.</p>
<p class="western">“What?”</p>
<p class="western">“I’m just attracted to women… sometimes, ok?” She answers between gritted teeth, quite pissed off. Good enough for me. That’s not everything I want to know now we’ve broken the ice, however.</p>
<p class="western">“Who else knows about this?” I lean on the kitchen counter and Sana sits at the table. I want to go to her, to comfort her, to say ‘<em>hey, eonnie, it’s ok’</em>, but I’m not entirely sure she would appreciate me doing such a thing. If only she would look at me…</p>
<p class="western">“Momoring…”</p>
<p class="western">“Not Mina-eonnie?” Sana shakes her head, eyes fixed on her lap before finally finding mine. Now I can see they are bright and teary.</p>
<p class="western">“Who else knows about you?” she inquires.</p>
<p class="western">“The School Meal Club” Sana raises an eyebrow. I tend to forget we are still the only ones aside from our parents, Jeongyeon and Jihyo-eonnie that refer to ourselves like that. “Dubu and Tzuyu.” <em>And Nayeon.</em> But that will always remain a secret.</p>
<p class="western">“Not Mina?” That punch has gone straight to my gut.<em> Touchè</em>.</p>
<p class="western">“Not her.” I moisten my lips, pondering the next question before actually daring to ask. Should I even ask that question in particular? I’m not even know if I want to know the answer. “Sanna-eonnie!” Perhaps I don’t want to know, but I do need to.</p>
<p class="western">“Here we go again…”</p>
<p class="western">“Do you like Mina-eonnie?” Maybe it’s the way I whisper it, losing strength and confidence with every word, or that Sana thought I was going to ask something very intense or inappropriate again — or perhaps it’s the fact that the whole situation we live in is just ridiculous. The thing is that Sana’s face starts turning red and she starts laughing her ass off right in front of my salad. Rude. “I don’t know what’s so funny,” I murmur with a pout on my lips.</p>
<p class="western">“No, no.” She cannot just stop laughing. I hope she chokes. “Mina’s a princess but I don’t like her like that, she’s my friend.” <em>That’s good, that’s good…</em></p>
<p class="western">“Oh, I see. I thought th-”</p>
<p class="western">“I could see how you were looking at her.” Even if I already knew I have been caught, it doesn’t make this any less embarrassing. I’m still a deer caught in the headlights. “If you want my opinion, I don’t like it.” And I’ve just been run over. I’m overwhelmed by the love and support I’m receiving today.</p>
<p class="western">“Well, I didn’t ask for it.” I know I’m a child but I can’t help it and stick out my tongue.</p>
<p class="western">“Son Chaeyoung, do you think this is funny? I’m being serious.” She truly means it — she has that deadly stare on her eyes that she reserves for the times someone in the family mentions her dad. “Mina’s my friend and you… well, you are…”</p>
<p class="western">“Your sister.” Meaning that she should support me, shouldn’t she?</p>
<p class="western">“Which only would make it easier for me to kill you in your sleep if you hurt her in any way.” And here I was innocently thinking she was worrying about me getting hurt by this nonsensical crush. She may not like Mina but now I know who she cares more about.</p>
<p class="western">“Why would I hurt her?”</p>
<p class="western">“Because you’re a tiny, teeny mess.” And now I’m… speechless. Post-teen almost incestuous lesbian artist who lets her ex bang her in dirty club bathrooms wants to charm a black swan princess, I can’t even argue her on that. All I’m able to do is groaning in response. “Mitang is one of the purest souls in this world, stay away from her.”</p>
<p class="western">“What am I gonna do? Taint her? First of all, not like I stand a chance, do I?”</p>
<p class="western">“That’s true.” My gut can take a blow but my heart spills a tear or two. How pathetic.</p>
<p class="western">That’s just the reality, and not anything I didn’t know beforehand. I’m not sure what I’m so affected by — the fact that she’s straight? I knew it. That a thing between me and Mina is something that will never happen? Not a surprise. Hearing it from another person feels different somehow, maybe that’s it. Whenever I talk to Tzuyu and Dahyun about this, they tend to keep their worlds quite neutral — not encouraging but neither wanting to stripe me from all my hopes. They’ve been quite careful with me since what happened last year and that’s very thoughtful of them. It’s just that sometimes you need someone to keep your feet in the ground. It’s painful, but some things need to be.</p>
<p class="western">“What was all the fuss about?” When Sana speaks now, it’s nicer. How pathetic I must be looking now for her to go soft on me. I need some more clarification, though, and maybe a hug. “Why have you been chasing after her for weeks like a stray puppy?” I scowl.</p>
<p class="western">“I have not.” But she gives me a knowing look. Who am I trying to fool here, her or myself? “I thought I had upset her.” And now it sounds so stupid.</p>
<p class="western">“What have you done already?” Did I say she was being nice? Erase that.</p>
<p class="western">“Nothing! It was just my mind playing games,” I rush to explain. My mind, what a tricky thing. “I’m fooling myself if I believe she cares enough about me to be upset about anything.” At some point, I’ve folded my arms. They feel weird clenching my torso, but they do too when just falling loose on my sides. Even my face feels awkward, like there wasn’t a comfortable way of sporting it. “She didn’t wave at me, though.” Sana tilts her head. “One time…” This is so silly I’m starting to feel my ears burn.</p>
<p class="western">“Maybe she didn’t see you?”</p>
<p class="western">“She saw me, that’s the thing!” I just want to believe I’m not going entirely crazy at this point. “I was with Jeongyeon-eonnie at the cafeteria and she just ignored my presence. She had never done that.”</p>
<p class="western">“Then she probably didn’t want to intrude.” It sounds so… <span>ration</span>al when Sana says it. Shit, it makes a lot of sense. And she has said it so casually like it’s the most obvious thing in the world. Not for the first time but for a meaningful one, I feel like I’m losing my mind. “You like her a lot,” she adds, warmly.</p>
<p class="western">“Yeah…” I lean on the door and slide down until I’m sitting on the floor. It’s a bit wet but I don’t care. I don’t think I have the energy to stand up now.</p>
<p class="western">“I’m sorry, for what is worth.” For her harsh words or my messy and unrequited love, I don’t know. Still I appreciate it.</p>
<p class="western">The sound of steps in the stairs makes us both jolt. You think you’ve seen cuteness in your life and then you see Hirai Momo in a white pajama full of cartoony raccoons. She informs us Mina’s taking her shower and she’s still hungry before going straight to the fridge. I should probably go look for some pajamas that doesn’t make me look like a homeless teen, I don’t think my old and ripped Goku shirt and grey shaggy sports pants will make me look very cool.</p>
<p class="western">“Sana-eonnie,” I call her when I’m already at the foot of the stairs.</p>
<p class="western">“Really?” I’ve totally defeated her tonight. To be fair I think it’s a draw.</p>
<p class="western">“If you ever need to talk about anything… I have two perfectly functioning ears. Just so you know.” Despite her silence, I can hear it. A brick falling from her wall. I mean it and she knows that. I was alone and scared for a long time and it turns out she was too, and I was just too blind to realize. I might be the younger sister but I’m her sister now, I won’t leave her.</p>
<p class="western"><a id="_Hlk20683553" name="_Hlk20683553"></a> Momo-eonnie says something in Japanese. I know it contains ‘<em>Sana-chan’</em> and ‘<em>cute’</em>. Sana rolls her eyes.</p>
<p class="western">
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I hope you liked it!<br/>Next chapter will come out on June 8th.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0006"><h2>6. In which my life is like a movie. Chaeyoung.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">Most of us will never forget our teen years. Everyone has their problems, but as I watched people around me being troubled by this crush or that cheating boyfriend, I could only sit down and live such experiences through stranger’s eyes. You see, South Korea has one of the strictest policies regarding downloading and streaming content online — illegally, I mean. However, you can still work around it if you know how. When YouTube fanmade music videos with scenes of foreign lesbian characters proved not to be enough to satisfy my curiosity, I was determined enough to learn my way around the Internet and that way I was able to open my eyes to a new world full of very different colors. From, ‘But I am a cheerleader!’ to the amazing ‘Carol’, from ‘Buffy the Vampire Slayer’ to ‘Jane the Virgin’, I watched it all. Well, not all of it, I need to admit my sensitive mind couldn’t bear to watch ‘The L word’ until this last summer and even though I’m a full grown up adult I still. The thing is, in order to watch anything relatable for me, I basically needed to become a sort of criminal.</p><p class="western">I'm a dedicated lesbian after all, even if sometimes I behave like a very useless one <span>— </span>you know, like that day two months ago when destiny (and Sana-eonnie) brought Mina to my house for a sleepover and instead of enjoying every single minute of it, I fell asleep snuggled up between Momo-eonnie and... yeah, Mina. In my defense, I must say it was a long day with lots of emotions, Momo-eonnie was cuddling me so warmly and Mina's jasmine scent was way too comforting, they simply lulled me to sleep. Anyway, as the enthusiastic <span>gay</span> I am, I’ve done many things in the name of gayness and always felt like I needed to fall into bad behavior to be able to be myself. Until today.</p><p class="western">The end of Autumn has brought a joy to my life I could never have imagined. Today we’ve gone to the cinema to watch a new movie, a Korean one, called ‘The Handmaiden’. A reinvention of Sarah Waters’ ‘Fingersmith’, which I also read and streamed illegally, may I add. And I say ‘<em>we</em>’ as in me, Jihyo, Tzuyu and Jeongyeon-eonnie. I’m not sure if you are able to comprehend the bliss I’m feeling right now. Maybe it sounds stupid for some of you but never in my life I could have imagined I would be going with my friends to a public cinema to watch a lesbian movie and, spoiler alert, where the lesbians live a happily ever after! My heart is beating so fast right now… yet it’s not only out of pure excitement. The downside of this story is that the movie is definitely for adults, if you know what I mean. Call me crazy, but I never imagined that the first contact my closest friends would have with ‘my world’, so to speak, would be seeing a girl basically playing with another’s nipples. Perhaps, if I knew beforehand this was going to be like this I would have chickened out and suggested a typical drama — the English version of this movie was a lot more chaste. The scene is beautifully made, though; so hot and passionate I think I may have a fever.</p><p class="western">Part of me wants to be swallowed by my seat and another fraction is mesmerized by the piece of art in front of me — the dominant one, however, can’t control the need of watching my friends’ reaction to it. I almost don’t want to look. No, I definitely don’t want to look. What if they are disgusted? Or scared? What if they are thinking on leaving? My heart clenches painfully, eyes still glued to the screen, at the thought of finding three empty spots beside me. Should I turn around and find something that could hurt me, I need to remember to breathe, breathe and acknowledge such reaction is rooted in ignorance and it can be solved. Remember that even if they are disgusted, it doesn’t mean I am disgusting. Suddenly, Sookie stands up for her lady and doesn’t leave the room even after the douche asks her to — no, I’m not being a cowards, this is too interesting to miss a thing. The sex scene has ended right on the verge of the explicit stuff anyway, too bad the moment of evaluating reactions has passed already.</p><p class="western">As if.</p><p class="western">The movie takes a turn halfway into the plot that goes way further than the English version. For some reason, people say we’re a chaste, conservative country. Don’t get me wrong, even though I am not used to watch things like these… in public, I’m enjoying myself quite a lot. It’s the fact that my friends are next to me what makes me want to rip my own eyeballs off. If I thought it was bad before, the second sex scene has me shaking in my spot. My brain is too easily affected by things like these and my body insists on being way too gay for my own good. The secret conversations between Hideko and the douche start unfolding in front of our eyes and I can hear Jihyo-eonnie gasping in awe and outrage beside me. Hideko’s words twirl inside my ears as she reads for a bunch of gentlemen, making me sink more and more in my seat, completely out of breath. It’s not until the scene starts and Sookie’s face is buried between Hideko’s legs, until the moans and gasps become too real and reminiscing, that I can’t handle it anymore and look away, catching the sight of Tzuyu.</p><p class="western">My friend looks utterly flustered, even uncomfortable. She’s covering her face with her hands and still, far from letting her head fall low and looking at her lap, I notice she keeps peeking through her fingers, eyes fixed on the screen. That’s a good sign, isn’t it? Of course, I understand that she might feel embarrassed. <em>Heck</em>, I am embarrassed right now! Among many other things, that is — but what gives me hope and makes me even a bit happy is the fact that instead of seeming repulsed, she seems curious. Not CURIOUS… I don’t think, but, you know, the same kind of interest someone would have about a random sex scene. A line of dialogue that I will definitely not repeat gives me goosebumps. Man, why do they have to be like that?! Nevertheless, the sudden uneasiness crawling my skin disappears at the sight of Sookie straddling Hideko’s lap. No way, they’re showing it! That’s a very, very good position… in my opinion, of course. Memories from the past assault my mind and ignite something under my skin — bittersweet desire. No, that’s a place where I shouldn’t be wandering around. <em>Oh, I didn’t think they would scissor</em>. For the rest of the movie, I curl up in my spot and lean my head on my bent knees — I know it’s rude to put your feet on the seat but I can’t help it.</p><p class="western"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">It’s been fun, overall. No, really, I’ve loved the movie with my very soul and my need for gayness has been fulfilled. I’m just happy Dahyun had to practice for her church recital and couldn’t come, that’s all — our virtuous Eagle would have turned into fried chicken before the second half had even started. When we leave the dark room, a hand tangles with mine and I look up to see Tzuyu’s warm smile framed by rosy cheeks. It touches my heart, so much so that I feel a couple of tears gathering in the corner of my eye. Could I ever ask for better friends?</p><p class="western">“I absolutely LOVED the movie.” No, I couldn’t. Jihyo-eonnie seems genuinely excited, clinging to Jeongyeon-eonnie’s side. “Have you seen that cinematography? Stunning, gosh.”</p><p class="western">“A restroom! Someone else needs to go?” My bladder wouldn’t mind it but I’m too afraid of being alone with Jeongyeon-eonnie right now. It’s absurd, I know, but that’s just how I feel. <em>Come on, Chaeyoung! Don’t be a coward.</em></p><p class="western">“Let’s go.” Yes, I’ve done it. I’m the boss. “Race you!”</p><p class="western">If you are at Megabox COEX Mall cinema and see a blur in the hallways, it’s not me sprinting to the bathroom as if I’m about to pee my pants <span>followed by my eonnie</span>, not at all. <em>Not fair!</em> I might be fast but Jeongyeon-eonnie’s legs are long and sturdy, of course she only has to stride twice to catch up with me. I swear she was an ostrich in a past life.</p><p class="western">“Girls, not running inside the cinema!” Jihyo-eonnie, caring as always. Don’t be mistaken, Jeong can behave like this sometimes but she’s the one who nags the most. If we were a nuclear, traditional family, Jihyo-eonnie would be our dad and Jeongyeon-eonnie would be our mom — that’s why she doesn’t laugh, at least until we reach the restrooms and Jihyo-eonnie can’t see us anymore.</p><p class="western">“I win!” she says as she makes a silly dance.</p><p class="western">“You wish, I went through the door first.” <em>I have!</em> Jeongyeon-eonnie flicks my forehead right in between my eyebrows and releases a guffaw. She does that every time even when she knows I hate it, only because she thinks the way I move my eyebrows is funny.</p><p class="western">“Really?” She practically jumps towards the women restrooms’ door and opens it. That’s cheating! “I wi-EW!”</p><p class="western">“Yoo Jeongyeon!”</p><p class="western">That’s such a characteristic voice and I’m fairly sure I don’t want to know what’s going on. Yet, I stand on my tiptoes and stretch my neck to be able to see over her shoulder. Still unsuccessful. Suddenly, Jeongyeon-eonnie turns around and covers my eyes with her hands as she guides me outside.</p><p class="western">“Trust me, kid, you don’t want to see this.”</p><p class="western">“Yoo Jeongyeon!” Nayeon repeats as she chases after us. “Stop being stupid, it was just a kiss.” She sounds distressed. Hey, maybe she should watch The Handmaiden. It works wonders. “Chaeng!” Not to be anticlimactic, but I’ve always loved that short blue hoodie — no kidding, it’s such an intense blue you only want to lay on it and roll around pretending you’re flying. The door opens again and Minho’s slim face peeps from behind it. <em>Oh, don’t tell me they were having sex in the bathroom...</em></p><p class="western">The alien that normally parasites my body has got dizzy and wants to puke, I can feel it trying to crawl up my throat. Oh, wait, it might be me needing to vomit. I can’t believe her, I truly can’t — she lacked in decency when we were dating but she would have never fathom even holding my hand inside the most secluded cubicle of a lady’s bathroom.</p><p class="western">“I can’t believe your lack of decency, I swear.” See? I wasn’t exaggerating when I told you Jeongyeon-eonnie and I are basically the same human split in two bodies. She only got all the height by accident.</p><p class="western">“Oh, come on! Do I have to remind you when we caught you and Jimin in tha-?”</p><p class="western">“Nabongs! You better shut your face-hole.” I can’t believe I had almost forgotten their ruthless dynamic. I missed it, to be honest.</p><p class="western">“I’ll go find the guys…” <em>Yeah, go away, you coward.</em> I would have never, EVER left my girl alone with any kind of drama. Not that such a thing is relevant in any way at this very moment. I’m not jealous… Well, maybe a tad, but that’s very much normal and only makes me hate myself a bit more than usual.</p><p class="western">Something I need to acknowledge is the guy’s ability to slither away from any situation. Or maybe it’s just me that tend to ignore his presence long enough not to register he’s gone until he has actually left. Oh, that’s been mean but who cares? I’m entitled to be mad at him too inside my head as long as in my actions I focus my rage only on the one who stomped on my heart. Wasn’t that the thing that Psychologist said on TV? You’re not accountable for your thoughts but your actions, which are not being entirely hostile against Nayeon. The dark side won’t reach to me today. In a more positive note, I could have been way worse…</p><p class="western">“What are you doing with <em>her</em>?” …even if she doesn’t see it that way. I admit I did her dirty, but she had it coming. No pun intended.</p><p class="western">Even though I could reply in a not so kind way, I don’t really feel like picking up a fight. I’m too happy right now. If she’s not going to behave like the bigger person, I will — so I let my eonnie answer for me.</p><p class="western">“We came to watch a movie,” she says, exiting to the hallway. Nayeon’s face says it all, but Jeong is not one to fall easily for that. “We asked you if you wanted to come, said you were busy.” Thankfully. Imagine if I had had to watch that movie with Nayeon next to me. The mere thought of it gives me the chills.</p><p class="western">“Very nice, Yoo Jeongyeon, very fucking nice.”</p><p class="western">“Language!”</p><p class="western">A hand rests on my shoulder as Tzuyu and Jihyo-eonnie join us. However, I stand stiff on my spot, not allowing myself to let Nayeon see any breach on my behavior. She means nothing to me anymore, I’m not affected by her pettiness. Jihyo-eonnie hugs her and then looks at me, worry evident in her eyes.</p><p class="western">“This is not a place to fight, girls, behave.” Nayeon purses her lips in response and leans on her friend. “Did you just arrive?”</p><p class="western">“Nah, we’ve just watched some action movie with his friends. You?” <em>Oh, please, no.</em></p><p class="western">Out of the corner of her eye, Tzuyu watches me shift slightly in my spot, so she sneakily puts a hand on my back, showing her support. Or sharing the Force — whatever it is, I feel revitalized and full of this brand-new energetic feeling. That’s right, I’m not the one who should be uncomfortable here.</p><p class="western">“Our movie was a piece of art.” My heart feels so in peace with Jihyo-eonnie’s excitement. Among all the people I know, the possibility of disappointing or disgusting her scares me in a special way.</p><p class="western">There’s this thing about Jeongyeon and Jihyo-eonnie, something in the way they treat people. Something in the way they treat us. Me. From the second we met, they basically adopted me. You know, I don’t like to play this card because I always try to avoid drama, but for someone who cannot remember her real mother and whose family affairs have been really convulse and confusing for the last few years, being able to rely on someone in that way, to be taken care of by them, meant the world. Maybe we’re not related by blood but they are my family, and losing them because of Nayeon only finished smashing my heart. And now here we are again, months later, and it’s like she pretends to take them from me again. I won’t allow it.</p><p class="western">“Thank God you are <em>not</em> exaggerating.” Jeongyeon-eonnie releases a snort, which Jihyo-eonnie responds with a dirty look.</p><p class="western">“Did you see those colors? The dresses? The thick and passionate feeling leaking from every scene?” Jeongyeon-eonnie cannot help but laugh her ass off. Nayeon looks at her, quite confused, and then hits Jihyo-eonnie’s arm, all of the sudden. She tends to do that.</p><p class="western">“The hero must have been really hot.”</p><p class="western">“There’s no hot hero, you tasteless…” Offended as she might be, Jihyo-eonnie still looks towards us and restrains herself. We are not children anymore! “…humans.” That only makes the two dorks laugh louder. At least Nayeon hits Jeongyeon-eonnie this time.</p><p class="western">“The Handmaiden,” I say, and as soon as I do it, her laughter starts to cease. “Such a good movie. I think you’d like it.”</p><p class="western">When Tzuyu said I was turning mean, I know what she meant. Of course, Nayeon knows what movie I’m talking about. There’s no doubt in my mind that at the very least she’s read about it and spent precious hours trying to figure out how to watch it without being caught or stared at or noticed in any way. Her glare is like a sharp dagger trying to stab me in the gut. Bingo — the fact that I went in and watched it with her friends, just like that, must be eating her up. Tzuyu also told me not to be mean because that’s not me, that she would be mean for the both of us, and maybe I should listen to her because it does not make me feel any better.</p><p class="western">“I’ve heard about it. I’m surprised Chaeyoung-ssi didn’t leave halfway through it, it’s not for children.” Even though she’s trying to come out as mean, I know she can do way better. “Was it good then?” Nayeon asks then, faking obliviousness as she turns to face Jeongyeon-eonnie, who is fixing her hair looking at her reflection in her phone.</p><p class="western">“The plot was nice,” Jeong answers and puts her phone back inside the pocket of her coat before smiling with mischief. “No spoilers, though.” Nayeon hits her shoulder again, playfully, but doesn’t push the topic any further.</p><p class="western">“So what are you gonna do now?” I’m well aware it might look like a subtle invitation for her to go away with her boy toy (which it is) but in all seriousness, I’m not trying to rile Nayeon-eonnie up. No, really, all I want is to participate in the conversation with the uttermost normality. You know, for the group’s well being.</p><p class="western">“How easily children forget honorifics these days, it’s unbelievable,” she comments in such an arrogant way I can’t hold back.</p><p class="western">“Sorry, eonnie, are you leaving or…?” I’m trying not to sound condescending, I swear I am trying.</p><p class="western">Instead of giving me a dirty look and dismissing me with an ugly gesture or lashing back the way I thought she would, Nayeon only tilts her head, squints her eyes slightly and articulates such a satisfied smile that makes me want to erase it. I’m not a violent person, why do her twisted ways always make me want to become one? This is not a person my sweet Black Swan would want to be with. Exactly! What would she think of me if she saw me engaging in such a trifling argument? Even though the memories of past times are a bit blurry in my mind now, moments in which Im Nayeon wasn’t poisoning every single aspect of my life, I’m certain there was a different Son Chaeyoung that didn’t take stupid and hurtful revenges and didn’t hold bad feelings towards anyone. Every single cell of my body craves to be that Chaeyoung again, why can I not just be her?</p><p class="western">“We were planning on going somewhere fun, wanna come?” Jihyo-eonnie has always been the most diplomatic of us all.</p><p class="western">“Maybe. We were going to grab a beer, but I don’t really feel like...” Nayeon’s gaze only leaves mine when I feel Tzuyu’s supporting arm wrapping around my waist. In that moment, all her attention goes from the hand on my hip to my friend. “Tzuyu-yah, you’re always so serious,” she says, showing her bunny teeth with clear aim to charm. “Don’t you know how to smile?”</p><p class="western">“I do.” Sometimes I wonder if one day I’ll find a suspicious switch in her back and realize Tzuyu’s actually a robot, seriously. I forgot that my friend is not really fond of my ex. Well, that would be quite the euphemism. Let’s say that Tzuyu doesn’t care for general people enough to have an opinion about them, normally — however, after what happened between Nayeon and I, she might not be exactly in her good books. Honestly, I don’t want to know what’s that like.</p><p class="western">“You sure are a woman of few words.” I almost forgot you have to aim really low to be able to shake Nayeon’s perpetual and intentional obliviousness. Being such a popular girl has its advantages but also a downside, and that is that a lot of people envies you. It can get messy, some of them even would go as far as spreading gossip about you or making mean comments about you. People’s poison knows no end. While other people like Sana tries to ignore it, or confront them like Jeongyeon-eonnie, Nayeon’s very own way to counterattack to people’s malice is keeping her positivity up — that way she can both look like the bigger person and annoy the other. In a way, I’ve always admired that about her.</p><p class="western">Suddenly, a deafening scream. The next thing I know is that a massive force crashes against me and almost tackles me to the ground. <em>What the…?! </em>If it hadn’t been for Tzuyu’s grip, I would have kissed the floor, but I can’t get mad, not when someone is hugging me with such intent. I’m a human in need of affection and comfort, okay?</p><p class="western">“Chaeyoungie so cute~.” Momo-eonnie starts playing with my pigtails as the rest of the J-line appears behind us.</p><p class="western">“Momoring, stop stealing my sister!” Sana pushes Momo-eonnie aside with her body and hugs my neck. Not that I’m going to complain about Sana finally accepting me as a sister, but this kind of behavior is so odd and random that it’s giving me goosebumps. What has got into these two morons?</p><p class="western">“Your sister?” Nayeon frowns and my eyes shoot at her, squinting in disbelief and sheer irritation. Has she ever bothered listening to me? Obviously not. Sometimes I really wonder how I was so blind not to see Nayeon didn’t care, not even e bit, about me. One year of dating (if what we did can be called ‘<em>dating’</em>) and she didn’t pay attention to me once if it wasn’t to- Ugh! I’ve literally cried and fumed around her about all the bullshit I had to put up with all because of my future step-sister and while I opened my heart and looked for comfort she was thinking about what she would eat for lunch!</p><p class="western">“Sana-yah, I love your sweater!” Jihyo-eonnie’s enthusiastic compliment is enough to transfer Sana’s unexpected love towards her.</p><p class="western">“Hello, guys,” a soft voice utters, and my head turns so abruptly that I even hurt my neck.</p><p class="western">“Mina-eonnie!”</p><p class="western">Mina’s staring at me, her long black mane perfectly settled over her shoulders, running down the wide lapels of an elegant, checked, wool coat. It amazes me how she manages to look sophisticated and graceful in any situation, like a real-life princess. Then, she shows me that characteristic gummy smile of hers and my knees tremble.</p><p class="western">“You look so beautiful, eonnie.” Hypnotized by her beauty, I can’t stop my words from leaking, and when I realize what’s happened, it’s already too late.</p><p class="western">A soft, rosy blush appears on Mina’s cheeks as her smile grows bigger. Her hand shoots to hide it as she bows her head and stands quietly beside me. With her body so close to mine, I can feel two kinds of heat: the one burning my skin from a mixture of embarrassment and the proximity of my soul-deep crush, and another more harmful, directed straight to my nape, that comes from a pair of eyes. When I feel it first, I think it’s Sana trying to remind me to stay away from her friend, but when I turn, face red as a strawberry, to hide myself in Tzuyu’s embrace, it’s Nayeon’s stare the one I catch sinking deeply into my skull.</p><p class="western">“I don’t think we’ve met,” she says, directing her eyes to my gorgeous Black Swan. She doesn’t have the right to admire such perfection.</p><p class="western">“Oh, right!” Momo-eonnie then settles between Mina and I (having her beside me has been as brief as intense, such a bless) and puts her arm around the girl’s waist. Only because it’s Momo-eonnie, I’ll condone it. “Jihyo-ssi, Nayeon-ah, Jeongyeon-ah, this is Mina, my new best friend. You can take Sana with you now,” she finishes as she cuddles Mina, who giggles softly. “She’s all yours.”</p><p class="western">“Yah! Mitang’s mine! You can have Momo.” Sana runs and cuddles Mina too, from the other side. She’s being so greedy today. And here I was thinking they were competing to be the best sister for me.</p><p class="western">“So you know each other?” Tzuyu’s always so alert, she never misses a thing. I wouldn’t expect any less from master Yoda. Come to think of it, I have seen Sana running around with Jihyo from time to time — and I say ‘<em>running around’</em> because when Jihyo and Sana are together, she stops being our father to become a full child.</p><p class="western">“Nayeon-eonnie is in my drama class, we’ve danced together a lot for plays,” Sana giggles, hugging Mina’s waist. “Jihyo and Jeongyeon are my girlfriends but they keep playing hard to get.” <em>You wish!</em> That would be a whole new level of endogamy.</p><p class="western">Never losing her smile, Jihyo leans on Nayeon as Jeongyeon tries to erase Sana’s bubbly smile from her face by covering it with her hand. Sana hides behind Mina to protect her face’s integrity and all the commotion makes Momo bump into me, making me totter.</p><p class="western">“I’m sorry,” she whispers in my ear, wrapping her arms around me again, and softly kisses my cheek, repeatedly until a bright blush crawls up my neck straight to my ears. There it is again: Nayeon’s deadly glare.</p><p class="western">“Momoring!” But Momo-eonnie only hugs me tighter, teasing Sana by snuggling her face on my shoulder. Succumbing to defeat, Sana pouts and holds Mina’s hand. I want to think she’s doing that to genuinely seek for comfort, not to pick on me — I’ve done nothing wrong this time! “I didn’t know you were friends, though.”</p><p class="western">“Yeah! We adopted The School Meal Club last year,” Jihyo looks at us with such warm affection not even Tzuyu can help her shy smile.</p><p class="western">“Chaeyoungie is my No Jam Bro,” Jeongyeon chuckles. “I can’t believe she’s the <em>‘annoying dwarf’</em> you were always ragging about.” <em>Hey, rude!</em> “You are so rude.”</p><p class="western">“So you thought she had another random Japanese stepsister?” Sana looks at me with an apologetic look. Yeah, about that...</p><p class="western">“She never mentioned you,” Jeong replies, plainly and lightly shaking her head. That earns me a slap on my arm.</p><p class="western">“Ouch!” Momo-eonnie has tried to protect me but Sana’s snapped way too fast. I’m the one who should be mad in the first place!</p><p class="western">“Well, Chaeng can be a handful.” Nayeon walks towards my sister and slides an arm around hers. The fact that these two seem to be somewhat friends is not weird, <span>no</span>. It doesn’t make me want to hang myself when I get home <span>at all</span>. “We were going to the karaoke, wanna come?”</p><p class="western">“Why are you deciding where to go when you weren’t on the original plan in the first place?”</p><p class="western">Another thing I love about Jeongyeon is that she can say exactly what I want to say without the burden of being younger and come off extra impolite. Before Nayeon can answer her with a glare or even worse, with another painful hit on her mistreated shoulder, Jihyo-eonnie starts clapping excitedly. The only thing she loves more than directing and films is singing. She has the voice of a music goddess.</p><p class="western">“Yes, come on!” Nobody can say no to God Jihyo and Nayeon was counting on it. I didn’t miss having this permanent paranoia that always hits me when she’s around — it makes me feel unstable and antsy.</p><p class="western">J-line members look at each other and nod. <span>I didn’t think she would but</span> Mina offers a shy smile and accepts the suggestion. Everyone seems excited about the plan, even Tzuyu — I, on the other hand, can’t believe Nayeon has got her way yet again.</p><p class="western">While the others head towards Jihyo-eonnie’s favorite karaoke place, Nayeon <span>runs</span> to inform her boyfriend and friends about the change of plans. He doesn’t look too pleased about it — the guy probably thought he was going to have some action when they went back to the dorm. Sorry, dude, but I’m not sure who’s unluckier from the both of us. Then, Nayeon says her goodbyes and walks directly towards me, a bit behind from the rest of the group. For a hot second, I thought she was going to link our arms.</p><p class="western">“Still vertically challenged, I see,” she comments, not looking at me once.</p><p class="western">“Still acting straight, I see.” <em>Oops.</em> This time, she doesn’t seem amused.</p><p class="western">“I hope you’ve enjoyed the movie.” Before I can give a plain response, she continues. “That’s all the action you’ll get from a Japanese woman.” That… that was a stab in the leg, I won’t deny it. <em>Don’t engage, Chae, don’t engage…</em> It’s not like I could ever beat her to be mean. “So who is it, Mina or Moguri?”</p><p class="western">“Why?”</p><p class="western">“It’s totally Mina, she’s so your style.” Now she looks at me, bunny teeth on display, knowing I’ve been busted. Again. Really, am I so unsubtle? “Pretty, quiet and smart.”</p><p class="western">“Y-.” Bad timing for starting stuttering again, I need a full second to stop and calm down. “Are you saying you weren’t my type?”</p><p class="western">“I’m saying you’re delusional.” Second person to tell me that. Still an unwanted opinion and a painful reality.</p><p class="western">“And you’re being nosey,” I spit out, more harshly than I’d like. She knows she’s pissing me off and she’s loving every second. “Mind your business, eonnie.”</p><p class="western">“My, my,” Nayeon tilts her head, annoyingly <span>entertained</span>, “I thought I had taught you better manners.” How bad it is that the way she <span>speaks </span>is still able to crawl under my skin to places I shouldn’t be focusing on?</p><p class="western">With a last giggle, Nayeon paces up to reach the group and even allows herself to link arms with Mina. WITH MINA! At least she’s being nice. Maybe too nice. If she dares to even breathe near her, I’ll rip her head off<em>. No, Chaeyoung, behave, you’re not like this.</em> Sana-eonnie turns her head and looks at me with a frown, bowing her head slightly to check if everything is alright. That’s sweet, I guess — still I just answer with a shrug. That’s all my mood allows for now.</p><p class="western"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">Pinch me because I need to know this is not a dream. If nights out could be rated like chocolates, this one would be God Tier, which is impressive at the very least since it has had a rocky start.</p><p class="western">While karaoke has never been my forte, I still enjoy it quite a bit. How could it be otherwise when I have the privilege to listen to the divine voice of God Jihyo herself, right? Dahyun being the music geek she is once said she would girl the hell up and ask Jihyo-eonnie to sing with her playing the piano to record it and use it as her alarm so she can wake up every day in a good mood. A year has passed and we’re still waiting for her to do so and share it! We don’t get to listen to her singing that often, sadly.</p><p class="western">Yes, Jihyo’s voice is something out of this world, but if there’s anything that could add a new and even more enjoyable flavor to it, that would be adding the voices of Nayeon and Jeongyeon-eonnie. We used to call them 3mix, jokingly, of course — although if they wanted to create a band, I would totally support them. As much as it pains me to admit it, Nayeon’s voice and <span>musical</span> talents are beyond awesome. I used to love to listen to her singing while she had a shower or cooked anything — so much that I would just stand still, quietly, for several minutes even risking her wrath at me ‘<em>being late’</em> to our dates only to enjoy that moment. Now that everything is over and things between us are at their worst, her voice is the only thing that can make me forget for a few seconds what her true and deceiving nature is.</p><p class="western">That being said, everything has developed quite smoothly for the most part of the night. Nayeon seems to have decided to spare us the possibility of an embarrassing fight in front of everyone and instead has settled for trying to ruffle my feathers by enthusiastically befriending a certain Black Swan, which doesn’t bother me at all. It does bother me a little bit, but I know Mina’s innocence is well protected having Sana around. Who would have thought only a couple of months ago these words would leave my lips? Or brain… You know. Still, it doesn’t mean I can completely relax — that’s something I’ve learned when I have got too comfortable cuddled in Momo-eonnie’s arms, with Tzuyu’s hand on mine, my walls so low that Nayeon has had it easy to see the perfect hole to hit and demolish my castle. She’s only needed the magical words that spark Jihyo-eonnie’s excitement and I found myself drowning, taking poor Yoda down with me.</p><p class="western">“Let’s sing something with the maknaes!” she’s jumped after Sana and Jeong finished their somehow lovey dovey duet. Weird, by the way.</p><p class="western">Tzuyu and I frowned and shook our heads with determination. Nevertheless, I told you before: who could say no to God Jihyo?</p><p class="western">“Yes! Yes, please!” Come on, let me live.</p><p class="western">Defeated, I turned to look at Tzuyu and she sighed in acknowledgment. Remind me to treat her to breakfast for being the best friend a moron like me could ask for. Even though Yoda has a beautiful voice, she’s way too shy to share it with the School Meal Club, I could only imagine the anxiety bubbling inside of her in that moment. I entwined our fingers and stood up, bringing her with me towards the tiny computer.</p><p class="western">“I haven’t heard this tiny cub raping in a while,” Nayeon had to do that. She <em>had</em> to do that, didn’t she?</p><p class="western">“Oh! I didn’t know Chaeyoungie could rap!” Momo-eonnie said as she laid down on the couch, using Mina’s lap as a pillow. “She’s full of surprises.” Mina-eonnie reacted with a gummy smile to the comment and I could suddenly see myself stuttering instead of rapping and making the biggest fool of myself in front of her, which was likely what Nayeon wanted. A trick as low as this one is something I could never let slide.</p><p class="western">“I hoped you’d rap for us, eonnie,” I said as I looked at Jeongyeon for support while Jihyo-eonnie flicked through the songs.</p><p class="western">“MC-Rail~!” she shouted, and then proceeded to laugh at Nayeon’s sudden not amused expression.</p><p class="western">“No, no, I’ll let you show your talents to impress.” I know she wanted to elaborate more on her comment, but she didn’t. Even Im Nayeon knows when she has to be careful.</p><p class="western">Of course, Jihyo picked ‘Daring women’. It’s always been one of her favorite songs. Everything has gone alright, and to be fair, focusing on the lyrics has helped me a lot not to stutter — I have almost been more worried about Tzuyu than anything else. However, that was pointless, she has been amazing. Even Nayeon has complimented her, and the only heartfelt praise I’ve ever heard from her were directed to her reflection in the mirror. As expected, Tzuyu has just scoffed at her and almost run back to her spot. Did I say I was going to treat her to breakfast? I meant lunch.</p><p class="western">Then what’s so dreamy about this, you’ll ask? Up to this point, nothing has been extraordinary except for the fact Nayeon and I have managed not to kill each other. And then, Sana-eonnie has done something I never thought she’d do: practically pushing Mina and I to sing together. I know I’ve told you before that the most divine voice I’ve ever heard is Jihyo-eonnie’s and I stand by my word — Mina’s is something entirely different. With every note, she touches my heart; with every word she pulls me closer and closer until I have no escape. She’s a mermaid and I’m bewitched, ready to drown in her sweet ocean. And this doesn’t end here.</p><p class="western">Since Momo is already snoring and Jeongyeon and Jihyo are basically babying Tzuyu, there’s not much left to do for the rest of us. Not until Sana gives me a knowing look and uses her best smile to lure Nayeon away with void compliments and song requests. If Nayeon complies to it out of pride or because she’s tired of <span>picking on </span>me, I don’t know, but in the end it’s only Mina and me. Now that I have her so close, I don’t even know where to start.</p><p class="western">“You have an artistic soul, Chaeyoungie.” Thankfully, Mina takes on despite her shyness. She can be quiet, for sure, but she has this courageous side to her that makes my heart feel both light and incredibly heavy in my chest. “Painting, photography, singing, rapping…” I’ve zoned out, engrossed in the charm of her gummy smile and the pretty constellations in her face, and I haven’t answered. Hopefully, I haven’t made a fool of myself yet.</p><p class="western">“It’s not…” Calm down, Chaeyoung, you can do this. “You’re the one who is amazingly talented, eonnie.”</p><p class="western">“Me?” Delicate. Mina’s delicate but not fragile — she possesses this kindness and elegance in every move, every expression, the very tone of her voice. It eases the tightness inside my chest.</p><p class="western">“You have a beautiful voice,” I blurt out, feeling the heat in the tip of my ears, “and the way you dance is just…”</p><p class="western">I don’t finish my sentence. I can’t — and Mina’s amused stare doesn’t make it any easier. My first instinct is to hide my face behind my hands but if I do so I would only embarrass myself more. No — in times like these I have to show confidence.</p><p class="western">“Do you like dancing?” she asks then.</p><p class="western">“I guess.” Confidence, Son Chaeyoung! “Mhmm… I can defend myself in a club but that’s about it.” She nods and her eyes dart back to Sana and Nayeon, who are singing to the top of their lungs. I’ve never liked small talk and thus I’ve never been good at it, but right now my gut is trying to hold onto this especial moment that I’m being able to share with her. Something inside of me twists at the thought of letting this opportunity die. “How’s everything going? Are you adapting well?”</p><p class="western">Mina nods and looks at her lap. “I haven’t been able to socialize too much with all the classes but Sana and Momo have been very kind to me.” I know what she means, but the way she says it is just so tender that it painfully sinks in my chest.</p><p class="western">“Well, that’s what friends do.” I offer her a smile and try to enjoy the small atmosphere of intimacy that surrounds us, omitting the fact that Jeongyeon is trying to paint Momo-eonnie’s face with a pen. Mina leans against the couch, her eyes not leaving my face once.</p><p class="western">“This is actually the first night I’ve gone out,” she says with a bashful grin appearing on the corner of her lips. “I mean… Of course I had done things out with Sana and Momo but never-”</p><p class="western">“Had a girl’s nigh out,” I finish for her and she nods in agreement. “Having fun?” Her gummy smile makes a new appearance as she nods, solemnly.</p><p class="western">While I can only imagine what’s to move to a foreign country by your own, where the language and the culture is different and you find yourself alone, Mina’s introvert and timid nature goes even further — or that’s what I’ve heard Sana-eonnie telling her dance club friends from time to time. Yet, whenever I’ve had the pleasure to talk to her, she has always had this mature presence, perfectly adapting to her eonnie role. Tonight is no different.</p><p class="western">“And you?” she asks.</p><p class="western">“Me?” She nods and tilts her head back, resting on the wall behind us. “Yeah, of course.” <em>Why?</em></p><p class="western">“You were a bit tense before.” My heart skips a beat. She has noticed me. “We changed all your plans for tonight, didn’t we?” And she is… worried? I hurry to shake my head and clear things up.</p><p class="western">“No, no, it’s not that.” Her eyes are so warm. I have never met anyone with such a kind gaze. “Nayeon-eonnie and I…” I hesitate and choose my words carefully, “… are not in the best of terms right now.” Mina tilts her head, visibly surprised, and waits for me to elaborate a bit more. “We had a fight last year.” I sway my head slightly, remembering all the shouting and the tears. “Quite a big one.”</p><p class="western">“I’m sure you’ll work it out.” Then, Mina reaches for my hand and squeezes it. She does it only once but it’s more than enough for me. My heart feels heavy inside of my chest. When she giggles, it explodes in my ears. “I can’t imagine you fighting with anyone.”</p><p class="western">“I-I can be a tough cookie.” Although I don’t like picking arguments with anyone.</p><p class="western">“That’s true.” Her gummy smile could illuminate the entire room.</p><p class="western">“Guys, two down. We better go,” Jihyo-eonnie says, pointing at a sleepy Tzuyu resting her head comfortably in the crook of her neck.</p><p class="western">The way back home is quiet. We take a detour from the rounds after leaving Jeongyeon-eonnie at her parents’ house so Nayeon can meet back with her boyfriend. I guess someone is going to be lucky tonight in the end. Then, it’s Jihyo and Mina’s turn — they have turned out to live in the same street, which is actually very convenient since I never liked Jihyo insisting to walk that long street on her own. When we leave Tzuyu and Momo at their dorm, it’s only Sana and me left.</p><p class="western">We walk the last part of the way in silence, quite an odd behavior for Sana, but I get it. Even though I want to ask her about this sudden change of mind regarding Mina and I and thank her from the bottom of my heart, I respect her desire for a quiet night. That’s the reason why, when the elevator reaches our floor and she opens the door to our house, standing at the bottom of the stairs, I lean for a hug and kiss her cheek goodnight. Because no words are needed with family, and today Sana-eonnie has been my sister, whether she will admit it or not.</p><p class="western"><br/>
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</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapter 7 will be up on June 22nd!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0007"><h2>7. In which I try crossed words and tongue twisters and I’m not good at either. Chaeyoung.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">After weeks of looking like a haunted town, today the campus finally <span>has exploded with liveliness</span> again. Exams are over, which means people are laughing in the hallways once more instead of cramming in the library, the mood is light again, and even though nine out of ten students you’ll pass by will still look like zombies, it’s obvious Christmas is coming and people were looking forward to it. You can breathe the joy floating around.</p><p class="western">When my last theoretical test is over — leaving a great aftertaste for a change, I must say — I meet up with my School Meal Club in the entrance so we can go home and fall into a long awaited coma for the day. Tzuyu’s quieter than usual, I notice. While I don’t believe she has done bad on her exams (because it’s Tzuyu, come on), I’m a bit afraid of asking her. I know for a fact she misses her family a lot, even if she always acts all tough and independent — this time of the year must be difficult for her. Last Christmas, when we all lived in the dorm, we had a little party. Maybe I should talk to Dubu and prepare something to surprise her.</p><p class="western">“Six letter word for a tawdry, usually immoral or promiscuous woman.” Speaking of the tofu, Dahyun has gone immediately back to her newly taken addiction: crossword puzzles. Savage as far as addictions go, I know. Jihyo-eonnie warned her she’d have to take her phone away if she kept playing before finals. I thought after a month clean she would just drop it, but I was clearly wrong.</p><p class="western">“Nayeon,” Tzuyu answers on the spot and I release a snort. It fits perfectly.</p><p class="western">“Have I heard my name?” Goodness, so scary! It’s like that silly urban legend in which if you say ‘<em>Bloody Mary</em>’ three times in front of the mirror, she comes and kills you, but even worse. Maybe I watch too much American TV. Tzuyu rolls her eyes and changes places with Dahyun so she won’t be in the closer end to the older girl.</p><p class="western">“Hi, eonnie,” she says with a smile and raises her phone. “We’re just making a crossword puzzle.” Nayeon’s bunny smile drops.</p><p class="western">“Is this not about me?” I keep asking myself why I dated her. Oh, because I was gay and lonely. “Not interested,” she says as she strides to catch up with our parents. And by our parents I mean Jeong and Jihyo-eonnie, of course.</p><p class="western">“Oh… Dubu, I forgot to tell you,” Tzuyu finally speaks. “I’m going back to Taiwan sooner than I thought.” It would be a lie to deny Dahyun’s smile has dropped at least a bit. “I’m sorry.”</p><p class="western">“It’s ok, Tzumong.” As always, <span>the Eagle</span> immediately recovers her cheerfulness. I wonder if her parents will miss her recital this year too. “You miss them a lot, don’t you?” Tzuyu looks at Dahyun and for a second her poker face <span>disappears</span>. The way she nods and averts her gaze breaks our heart. Tzuyu might be tall and stern but she’s our precious maknae after all.</p><p class="western">A group of guys laugh loudly next to us before they start running towards the parking lot Naruto style. Random things that happen on campus after people have been sleep deprived for weeks. I would try to figure out what the hell they’re doing, but in that case I would need to care and I don’t.</p><p class="western">“Five letter word for arrogant, haughty.” This time, Dahyun doesn’t even look at her phone. “Oh, this one’s easy: Jimin.” Please, don’t tell me...</p><p class="western">“Again?” I can’t believe her. “That guy is bad news.” And she knows it. The fact that she keeps even dedicating a second to think about him after what happened this summer makes me want to slap her pale tofu face. But I won’t, because that’s not what friends do, is it? I might <span>yell</span> some sense into her, however, since she doesn’t seem to listen to our reasoning words even though it’s been extensively proved that the guy is problematic and a horrible influence on her. Dahyun’s just too good and trusting for her own good. Red flags are red for a reason, so you can see them and run in the opposite direction, not so you can believe a tone of bad lies and try to dye them in a less menacing color.</p><p class="western">“You shouldn’t even look at him.” Tzuyu’s very right. “Ignore him so hard he starts doubting his own existence.” I love her.</p><p class="western">“It’s not that easy.”</p><p class="western">Nobody is telling her that forgetting someone you’ve a crush on is easy — I’m the first person to acknowledge it’s freaking difficult. Nevertheless, that’s not what this is about. You can be as infatuated as you want with anyone; however, when that person starts pulling you in <span>even if</span> you know for a fact they have something going on with one of your friends, maybe it’s time to realize that person does not have the best intentions. Especially when they insist on keeping your not-so-innocent flirtatious status from said friend. They might not be dating but if he had nothing to hide, he wouldn’t.</p><p class="western">“We’d better not talk about Jimin when Jeongyeon-eonnie is around.” I feel horrible, we all do — especially Dahyun. <span>I’ve heard</span> Jeongyeon saying she’s done with him enough times to know it’s not true and keeping something like this from her feels like treason. And it probably is, but I wouldn’t turn Dubu up just like that and it’s not my place to tell her to speak to Jeongyeon about this. Yet, that’s exactly what she should do, not only because her heart would be finally at ease but also because I’m sure Jeongyeon-eonnie could talk some sense into her. Actually, maybe the revelation of the boy’s shenanigans is what they need to realize they need to tell him to f-</p><p class="western">“Do you think I’m sexy?” Dahyun blurts out, out of the blue. Tzuyu and I look at each other, quite baffled about the possible meaning hidden behind her words. “I think I’m sexy, why do you always laugh when I’m trying to be sexy? I don’t understand.” Whenever Dahyun pouts, you just want to pinch her cheeks.</p><p class="western">“It’s the faces you make, you’re not taking it seriously,” Tzuyu answers, pensively.</p><p class="western">“But that’s just her face…”</p><p class="western">“Yah! I can be sexy!” Dahyun reaches for me to playfully hit my arm when two arms slide around her waist and put her back into place.</p><p class="western">“Are these evil maknaes bothering you?” We stop dead in our tracks as the whole J-line makes its appearance. Mina’s put her long brown hair in a ponytail, showing her pretty neck and cute ears. I might die today... and if I do, I wouldn’t care.</p><p class="western">As I cannot produce any words, I just greet her with a bow of my head and she responds in kind, adding a ravishing gummy smile to the equation that makes my brain malfunction yet again.</p><p class="western">“Of course you’re sexy, Dahyunnie.” Sana has my friend trapped in her arms like a snake holding its prey. Her naughty smile shows no good intentions as she leans to kiss her cheek. Then Momo-eonnie joins her from the other side, kissing more rosy and smooth skin and clinging to her arm. Such a waste, what an unfair world. Not that I’d want Sana or Momo-eonnie to give me attention of that kind but I wouldn’t mind it from… well, you know. Shut up, I’m desperate.</p><p class="western">“You have pretty nice shapes.”</p><p class="western">“Momo’s right, Dahyunnie has an hourglass body.” Dubu blushes fiercely, completely trapped by the two girls as they whisper in her ear. “I’m so jealous.” Okay, this is getting inappropriate. If Mina’s not coming to cuddle me, nobody is cuddling anyone like that.</p><p class="western">“Eonnie.” I didn’t mean my tone to sound so severe, almost like a warning, like I’m telling her off. Well, I am in fact telling her off but not in an intense way, or at least that’s not my intention. Sana looks offended when she releases my friend, nonetheless.</p><p class="western">Although we have gone through a rocky month with all the finals and stuff, there has been a happy note to it. We’re all getting close, slowly. Who am I talking about? Well, not only the School Meal Club and 3mix but also J-line. Things have organically fallen into a new routine in which we are able to meet and talk during lunch or breaks. While 3mix don’t sit with Minho’s friends anymore and we all eat together, J-line are still very much independent and sharing their time with the Dance club, but they are gradually making more and more room for us, and that makes me very, very happy. That’s not a sentiment shared by all of us, however — Tzuyu isn’t enjoying the new order that much since this means she has to spend more time around Nayeon, and that leads to (VERY) savage bickering. Lately, it’s getting so fierce that Jihyo and Jeongyeon-eonnie are making an actual effort to keep Nayeon distracted so she won’t talk to her. Yes, I’ve had a few words with my friend about this but it’s been useless — what started like a bad opinion on Nayeon because of our tragic love story has <span>developed</span> into another whole level of despise by Nayeon’s own ability to get on one’s nerves. What is worse, Nayeon seems to enjoy trying to break Tzuyu’s calm façade and keeps going back for more. It’s <span>getting</span> ridiculous.</p><p class="western">“Chaeyoungie, a little bird has told me your moves are decent.” Momo hugs my neck from behind and speaks against my cheek. I’m not going to complain, she’s warm and this winter is being awful. My eyes dart towards Dubu, who eagerly shakes her head, and then towards Sana-eonnie. No, she can’t have been the one, I don’t believe she would like to mention the way I dance. A cold chill runs up my spine at the mere memory of it.</p><p class="western">“Uhmm… I don’t really dance, like… dance.”</p><p class="western">“Would you let me teach you?” she asks, and it’s such a random question I don’t even know what to say.</p><p class="western">“Why?” This time it’s a pouting Sana the one to verbalize my exact thoughts.</p><p class="western">“I want some eonnie quality time with my little sister.”</p><p class="western">And they are at it again. It’s not like it bothers me the fact that they keep trying to compete over who’s the best sister, and it’s a thousand times better than arguing and shouting at Sana-eonnie 24/7, so I just keep complying to the little games they keep playing. Plus, that sometimes also means to spend extra time with Mina, so it’s a win-win for me.</p><p class="western">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p class="western">***</p><p class="western">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p class="western">What I thought would be just a silly excuse to go eat some jokball and watch movies with Momo-eonnie has become the moment of the week that I look forward to the most. Twice a week after their club practice, Momo and I, and sometimes even Mina or Sana-eonnie, would spend a couple of hours dancing in front of that mirror. While it’s a fact that Mina and Sana are undoubtedly amazing dancers, Momo-eonnie is more than that, something out of this world. It’s like she was born solely to dance. Her body moves swiftly, smoothly, like water and flames dancing together in a perfect tempo. It’s mesmerizing. Momo-eonnie has the inherent ability to listen to a tiny fraction of the song and make every single muscle of her slender body move to its rhythm. Sometimes I swear it’s like her body knows every note beforehand and so she never falters, never makes an awkward movement or falls behind.</p><p class="western">She’s also an excellent teacher and someone really fun to spend time with. I feel like I don’t want to disappoint her and so I try my best and even practice at home now school assignments are lighter and I have some time for myself. That being said, maybe I shouldn’t dance when I’m painting because the other day I left a black stain in my bedroom’s walls and the moment mom finds out, which she’ll likely do sooner than later, she’s going to kill me.</p><p class="western">Today is Wednesday the 18<sup>th</sup> of December and after three weeks of practicing, my limbs have started feeling less alien to myself. My torso still feels stiff and uncoordinated but Momo-eonnie says with pride that I’m making progress, and that’s good enough for me. Tzuyu has joined us for a bit before leaving for the airport — I think she secretly enjoys dancing as well, but she won’t admit it. She’s said her goodbyes and I’ve given her a tight hug and wished her a happy holiday with her family. Then Momo-eonnie has had her chance to wish her a safe trip and pat her butt repeatedly — for someone with intimacy issues like Yoda, she has stood it like a champ.</p><p class="western">After we go over the chorus of the song for the last time this afternoon, Momo-eonnie fetches me a water bottle and sits beside me on the floor as I try to catch my breath. We fall into a comfortable silence while <span>the water runs down my throat, probably faster than I should drink but still I manage not to choke — the</span> feeling of the fresh liquid is revitalizing. Damn, I need to start running again or stop being stubborn and join the gym with the School Meal Club like they’ve been telling me for months. It’s not that I am lazy, I’ve always liked exercising, it’s just that Mina goes there too and seeing her with her dance attire is hard enough to also watch her stretching and sweaty… My sensitive brain can’t take that.</p><p class="western">“Mind to have a talk?” Momo-eonnie says all of the sudden, locking her phone and leaving it aside. I shake my head and keep drinking for my life. "I know you had a rookie start with Sana…” Oh, so it’s this kind of conversation, “… but, really, she asks for so little to be your friend. Mostly cuddles."</p><p class="western">Whilst it is true that my relationship with my stepsister has improved exponentially, there’s something she keeps doing every time we get a bit closer than she expected, and that is pushing me away. One moment she’s being a <span>snugglish</span> ball of sunshine and rainbows, and the next one she’s all cold, deadly stares that stab you in the gut. She’s driving me a bit crazy, to be honest.</p><p class="western">"I know that's your Sana but she doesn't sound like mine."</p><p class="western">"She can be the most headstrong person in the world…” Truths being spoken, “… but also she's the kind of person who exists solely to brighten your day.” Momo-eonnie leans her head back and plays with her bottle. “Always the last one to lose her smile.” Her lips curve slightly before <span>our eyes meet</span>. “She's gone through so much these last few years, just give her a chance."</p><p class="western">That’s the thing: I agree with her. Do you think that I don’t know? I’ve always said it, and I mean it when I do — that Sana-eonnie must have gone through a nightmare and I wouldn’t blame her if she wanted nothing to do with us. It would be only normal to <span>pick someone to blame</span>, and her mother and the family that not only she didn’t choose but also was forced into her would be the most obvious targets for anyone. Yet she came here and she’s trying, so I am trying too. It’s just that sometimes it gets exhausting trying to reach her when she only steps back and I’m only human, I get impatient. However, I’ve seen her struggles and her will, I still believe this is worth the shot.</p><p class="western">I nod slowly and Momo-eonnie presses a kiss to the side of my head before standing up and helping me back to my feet. We walk hand in hand to the changing room, craving a shower more than anything in this world, only to bump into the most uncomfortable scene I’ve ever witnessed. At first I don’t even realize what’s going on, only that Momo-eonnie freezes in her spot. Then, I follow her eyes and my mouth feels bitter at the sight of my sister hugging Nayeon, both of them in their underwear. Yes, I know it’s a damn changing room but Nayeon is whispering something into Sana-eonnie’s ear that she responds by kissing the other’s cheek. Disturbing, just disturbing on so many levels I don’t believe you can understand the uncomfortable feeling in my chest right now. But it doesn’t have to mean anything, does it? Nevertheless, when I turn to the side, Momo-eonnie is sporting a weird look on her face. She is the one who has stopped like she had caught those two red-handed, what does she know?!</p><p class="western">It doesn’t take long till they register our presence, and despite the normalcy of my sister’s reaction, the only one I care about is Nayeon’s. She’s smirking at me. Why does she look so smug all of the sudden? What is she trying to do to Sana? Hell, what has she done to my sister?!</p><p class="western">“I didn’t think I’d see you here, eonnie.” Momo walks towards them and almost brusquely opens her locker, the one next to Sana’s.</p><p class="western">“Junhui started a snack fight with Wonwoo and covered my shirt in dorito orange, so I asked Sana for a change of clothes,” Nayeon explains as she puts a dark sweater over her head. Oh, yeah, at least they are wearing pants. That’s a good thing, I guess.</p><p class="western">“Are they alive?” The worry in Momo-eonnie’s words makes Sana giggle through the hoodie she’s fighting with. Nayeon only raises a questioning eyebrow.</p><p class="western">“Who?” My stepsister tilts her head to one side and Nayeon snorts. “Those lackwits? Sadly. Who do you think I am, anyway?” She looks offended but don’t fall for it, it’s all fake. I’ve seen her yelling at someone until they cried for stepping on her foot.</p><p class="western">“It’s fine, it’s fine, eonnie,” Sana giggles and hugs her waist. I’m getting so stressed. “Momoring was just joking.”</p><p class="western">Except she wasn’t, so she just sneaks away towards the showers with her shampoo and towel in hand and starts undressing. My eyes dart to the ceiling and then down to be met by Nayeon’s gaze. If she has anything to say, I really wish she would just say it.</p><p class="western">“What?” I sound pissed but I’m just stressed beyond imagination.</p><p class="western">Sana-eonnie wraps her arms around me almost protectively and turns so she’ll be blocking any possibility of me catching Momo-eonnie in my peripheral vision. I’m about to thank her with a silent squeeze of her arm when her high-pitched yelp kills my left eardrum.</p><p class="western">“Chaeyoungie, you’re sweaty!” she whines and releases me immediately while Nayeon laughs her ass off.</p><p class="western">At least Momo-eonnie has entered the showers alread-</p><p class="western">“Momoring, not again!” It’s not loud enough to be a scream, but it isn’t a default volume either. Still, it freezes the blood in my veins. She adds something in Japanese I don’t understand. Damn, I need to rise my game and get serious with Japanese.</p><p class="western">A very much wet Mina appears from the showers in a cloud of vapor, wrapped in a white towel that is way too short to preserve my sanity. God help me, I can barely breathe. She looks a bit taken aback by the sudden amount of people in the locker room but soon there it is — her gummy smile makes its appearance as she walks towards us. Unable to say a thing, I just respond at Sana-eonnie’s light push and step back, allowing her to access her locker. This is so stupid, why do I get so shy every time she’s around? Why does my heart feel like it’s going to hit and run? Crushes are supposed to be heart fluttering, sweet like candy — It should be like flying the night sky in a warm summer night, like the world suddenly is filled with such beauty you can’t help your smile. Not that I feel especially bad if I focus on not thinking I have no chance of being that for Mina, yet this doesn’t feel anything like that either. I’ve been fooled! All I feel is anxiety, a lack of air that doesn’t let me move or talk. When I should be happiest, looking at her smile and her angelic features, the only thing that lights inside my chest is the shame of having yet again embarrassed myself in front of her. Frustration, that’s the worst part.</p><p class="western">“How was practice?” Mina opens her locker and pushes a few wet raven strands behind her ear. Her hair smells so delicious I have to take half a step back not to lean to enjoy it. “This choreo is a bit more difficult than last one.” It would be so nice if my brain could put two words together to make a response. The sight of her shoulders is too riveting, I can’t focus.</p><p class="western">“What?” Some people have a unique gift for spoiling moments. Nayeon-eonnie is one of them. “Does she dance now?”</p><p class="western">“She does,” I reply in a harsher tone than I intended in front of Mina and Sana.</p><p class="western">Nayeon-eonnie <span>quirks</span> an eyebrow, amused. I clear my throat and turn around, not missing the look Sana and Mina give each other. Shower, right. That’s what I need to do, take a shower. Also, I’m going to try this new conditioner Momo-eonnie recommended to me an- I need to learn how to shower with clothes on because I can’t get undressed in front of Mina, I just can’t. How long should opening a locker take? Ten, twenty seconds?</p><p class="western">“We should get going,” I hear Sana say behind me. “Nayeon-eonnie? Come on!” She wants to protest but Sana almost pushes her out of the dressing room.</p><p class="western">Let’s take a minute to step back, take a deep breath and observe the situation here. Momo-eonnie is taking forever in that shower, so right now it’s basically my Black Swan and I in this suddenly claustrophobic room. I’m sweating and reeking, the need to take a shower is urgent — however, Mina is half naked and that makes the task at hand quite difficult. Well, that’s simpler than I thought, that’s… Oh, sweet strawberries, Mina’s naked! I’m not a creep, I instantly close my eyes and turn around, almost breaking my nose with the metal door in the process. The picture of her naked back and pert butt will be engraved in my retina and brain forever. Her skin looks so smooth… I can feel the heat crawling up my neck to my ears and my face and I’m positive I’m breaking a sweat again.</p><p class="western">“Chaeyoungie,” Mina calls me out of the blue the exact moment I dare to put my sweaty shirt over my head. I turn around, just slightly, with the garment still covering my arms. “Can you pass me that green… thing?”</p><p class="western">“Uh…” Thing? Wow, Mina has so many products inside her locker. “The moisturizer?” She nods. Mina’s amazingly good at Korean, you know? But of course everyone who is not speaking their mother-language can go blank all of the sudden — whenever Mina cannot find the word she wants, her eyebrows crease slightly like she’s trying to focus and her lips make the cutest pout. If only I dared to look at her… “Sure, eonnie.” I try to reach the bottle in my actual state but the fabric doesn’t let me. What a fail. I have to make a choice: put the shirt back on or take it off completely. No, that’s not even the decision. The actual choice is either to make a fool of myself putting it back on or risking to be seared under Mina’s gaze if I take it off. Ah! How annoying! We are both girls, there’s no reason to feel this self-conscious. Also, I know I’m respectful, I shouldn’t be worried about her not being aware about me. It’s not like I would shamelessly stare at her until she feels uncomfortable. I’m overthinking again, right?</p><p class="western">Leaving the dirty shirt on the bench behind me, I lean to get her what she asked for, and when I turn my face I’m met with the sweet view of her smile, framed by wild strands of wet hair. Her only existence is a blessing from above.</p><p class="western">“Eonnie, what are you doing this Christmas?” I blurt out, almost wincing when her fingers graze mine as she grabs the bottle. She seems surprised by the question.</p><p class="western">“The idea was spending it with my family but… that’s not going to be possible,” she explains coyly as she pours some of the content of the green bottle on her hand and starts smearing it on her skin. <em>She has really long legs…</em> Oh, Mina is in her underwear! My head turns away so fast I could have got whiplash. “They have business in America, so at least my brother will be able to spend Christmas Day with them.” The way she says it, focusing on the positive with such eagerness, it’s heartbreaking.</p><p class="western">“Do you want to come to a music recital with me?” That is not me not thinking before opening my mouth. No. That is me girling the heck up and asking Mina out… on a friendly date. When she takes her time to respond, my heart sinks and something bitter crawls up to my mouth. “I-it’s Dahyun’s recital and Tzuyu’s not gonna be there…” I rush to explain, doing my best not to stutter like a loser. “It’s piano so I tho…I thoughtyoumightlikeitsinceyou’reaballeri-“ Her giggle kills my rant. If she’s laughing at me like a mean part of my brain is trying to make me believe, she might kill my heart too.</p><p class="western">But no, of course not. Because my Mina is kind like an angel and she wouldn’t laugh at me. Instead, she <span>blesses </span>me with another glimpse of her gummy smile as she begins drying her raven mane with a towel. Am I the only one who believes that girls are <span>pretty</span> attractive when they do that?</p><p class="western">“Sure, when is it?” I have to blink a couple of times to process the fact she’s accepted. SHE’S SAID YES! My heart skips a beat. Or two. I might need resuscitation.</p><p class="western">“The 23<sup>rd</sup>! At seven, at the Holy Eden Church Auditorium.” I’m not sure if I’m more embarrassed at asking Mina out or the way my words keep gradually lowering until they die in my throat. What a way of acting cool in front of your crush.</p><p class="western">“I don’t know where that is.” When Mina <span>starts spreading moisturizer on her chest and belly</span>, I don’t know where my own house is either. I don’t even know where I am right now anymore. Or who I am, or where I go from here. Putting on the skirt goes next. “Mind to pick me up?” Her shirt is on and my brain is finally safe again. Wait, what?</p><p class="western">“S-sure, at six o’clock?”</p><p class="western">“Perfect.” A last gummy smile and she collects her stuff, closing her locker afterwards. Oh, I’m still in my bra, am I not? If I thought it wasn’t possible to blush even more… “I can’t wait.”</p><p class="western">She… cannot wait. Those are her last words before she disappears like a vision through the door — three powerful words that leave me so speechless I can’t even say goodbye, so I just stay there, waving like a fool when she can’t even see me. I’m positive my brain is dead.</p><p class="western">“Chaengie has game ~” Momo-eonnie laughs, her head peeking from the showers.</p><p class="western">Wow, just… wow.</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapters 8 and 9 will be out on July 6th and 7th!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0008"><h2>8. In which love floats at the sound of piano music. Chaeyoung.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">From all the things I thought I’d do in life, siting in an auditorium next to the girl I’m head over heels for, surrounded by people that I’m pretty sure I’ve seen protesting against gay rights during Seoul Pride wasn’t definitely one of them. You think I’m kidding but I’m not, at Pride there’s always a big protest of homophobes, normally christians, that stand or sit next to the main scenarios of the event to shout a pretty unoriginal batch of... things at us and they even block the parade on occasion. Actually, I’m pretty sure the guy behind me told me to go to Hell last year — I’m not really eager to make sure if it’s him. I didn’t go to Pride this year, however, I wasn’t in the mood for anything and much less the epitome of love and gayness.</p><p class="western">Never mind, the important thing right now is that I’m here and I’m on a date with Mina. A friend date, but a date anyway, and no homophobes making me uncomfortable can possibly ruin the joy shaking my very soul right now. I know Dahyun would have rather had me inviting Sana-eonnie but she will understand, I know she will. And if not she can suck it because I’m bringing Mina and the thing she has for my stepsister is getting beyond my understanding of what’s normal. Even though her fixation on Sana-eonnie is only innocent... anyway, the one trying to get the woman she’ll marry here is me so I’m a priority. She’s already on stage, sitting on the bench in front of the piano while the other performers later take their places on the front row. A blond head turns around among the musicians and a pair of familiar eyes catch mine. It's been so long. I can't believe I'm staring at Rosé right now.</p><p class="western">Park Chaeyoung, that's her real name. In high school it got so uncomfortable always having to address either of us by our full name not to mix us she just started going by Rosé. I like it, it suits her, really. Yeah, she was my classmate for the longest time and I wouldn’t have actually got to know her if it wasn’t for Dahyun. Long story short, we became close friends, I’d say... but I don't know, I guess after I realized I was gay I started isolating myself from everyone but my School Meal Club and we lost contact. I know it sounds pretty bad but in my defense I must tell you it hasn't been entirely my fault. She went to another university too, and since that moment it was like fate or whatever there is didn't want us to be in the same place at the same time. We share friends and move around the same circles but in two years, for one reason or another, we have not been able to meet. Until today.</p><p class="western">How odd, having Mina beside me, pretending to be in a date with her only to fool my infatuated heart. For a moment, I wonder what Rosé would say if she knew what I'm doing. Would she laugh at me? Or be creeped out? Maybe she'd pity me. She was so nice, too nice for her own good even though she had a gift for pranking that could be compared to Jeongyeon-eonnie’s. I shyly wave at her and while it takes her a second to recognize me, her eyes say it all — she has always had an expressive gaze. Then, she smiles and points at her hair before giving me a thumbs up. Yeah, I forgot it was in my coconut years when we used to be close, how embarrassing. To be honest, I like my long hair but I'm starting to feel like cutting it again. The only thing preventing me from doing so is the pain that it was growing it back. I answer with a cheeky smile and before she can turn around I signal her to call me sometime. I hope she still has my number. Rosé copies my signal and nods before turning around to look at the stage. The recital is about to start.</p><p class="western">When I look at Mina, I catch her staring at me, like she’s waiting for something.</p><p class="western">"A friend from high school," I explain, almost abashedly. Reassuringly? Not that she needs it, she's here with me as a friend, even though I like to forget that detail.</p><p class="western">Yiruma’s <em>Kiss the rain.</em> My friend plays it so perfectly, not only technique-wise but with <em>that</em> unique feeling that makes my heart swell with emotion. When I peek at Mina out of the corner of my eye I know she’s moved as well. Black eyes glisten as she silently weeps what I can only describe as diamond tears. It’s not even a sad melody, and yet it’s so beautiful it can become unbearable. Just like her. How funny it is, actually — I would do that exactly. Kissing the rain of her tears, I mean, and now that we’re wishing that I’d have nothing to lose and everything to win, I would also hold her hand if she wasn’t just my friend. If she was mine and I was hers.</p><p class="western">Before you start nagging at me, I’m not condoning any kind of possessive love. You know exactly what I’m trying to say, it’s <em>that</em> feeling what I’m yearning for. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t mean it as if what I’m yearning for is Mina <em>to be mine</em>, no. The only reason for my soul to cry out in hollow pain is the possibility of this girl that right now is sitting right next to me blissfully unaware of my feelings to take a glance at me and choose me today, and the next one, and the day that follows. But she won’t, not like that.</p><p class="western">Dahyun stands up and everyone applauds, but this is far from over. Rosé steps into the stage and sits beside her with her cello. The next song starts, <em>Reminiscent.</em></p><p class="western">In total confidence and if you promise to stay quiet, I’ll make a tiny reveal for you: I’ve always envied Dahyun’s talent. It’s not the ugly kind of envy but that mixed feeling between pride and wishing I could do what she does. I remember when we were kids and she started her piano lessons — she used to get so angry making mistakes so she would just practice and practice till exhaustion and still would make a mistake or it wouldn’t sound fluent enough or the feeling wouldn’t just be there. She worked so hard because she loves music so much, her determination is strong and her will something to look up to. Having had the pleasure of growing up with her, I know I get mad at her at times but still I’m so proud of the woman she’s becoming.</p><p class="western">“Bravo!” I can’t stop myself from shouting once the standing ovation echoes in the auditorium. Dahyun, who is smiling widely as ever and bowing once and again, spots us among the crowd and quirks an eyebrow.</p><p class="western">My friend takes a seat in the front row and several other musicians take on the stage. While it’s not my intention to display any kind of biased opinion, I need to say that their performances are good… but Dahyun’s was legendary. No other piece is able to captivate me enough not to spend the rest of the night paying more attention to Mina-eonnie than to the recital. She looks to be enjoying every single second of it and I couldn’t be happier she does like it — it would have been such a fail to bring her to such a long event and that she’d ended up hating it, I’m pretty relieved. The only moment I’m able to stop peeking at her out of the corner of my eye is when I start feeling my phone vibrate inside my purse. Here I was, not even texting my friend some words of congratulation because I thought she’d say I was being disrespectful to the other performers if I was on my phone, but look who’s found some time to text me in the middle of a Chopin piece whose name I haven’t listened.</p><p class="western"><b>Stinky tofu</b><b>, 10.36 pm: </b>( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)</p><p class="western">What an asshole. I shift in my chair, uncomfortable knowing Mina’s close enough to read whatever this crackhead could say.</p><p class="western"><b>Me</b> <b>, 10.36 pm: </b>stop</p><p class="western"><b>Stinky tofu, 10.37 pm:</b> ¯\_(ツ)_/¯</p><p class="western">She probably has a google tab open with all the lenny face characters, pretending she’s quirky or anything. I know her way too well.</p><p class="western"><b>Me</b> <b>, 10.37 pm: </b>w/ this attitude Ill never bring Sana-eonnie</p><p class="western"><b>Stinky tofu, 10.37 pm:</b> ಠ_ಠ</p><p class="western">What’s the deal with my stepsister, really? If she wants to befriend her, she should just tag along sometime or at least try to talk to her the moment Sana stops choking her with hugs and cuddles. Yeah, that’s a behavior to discuss with my stepsister another day. What’s about Sana that makes Dahyun want to be her friend so much, anyway? No, I’m not bothered by the fact that my best friend wants to bond with my stepsister but by the kind of fascination she seems to awake in everyone around me, Mina included. Is it because she’s popular? That’s a stupid reason.</p><p class="western">“Chaeng.” Mina is looking at me in expectation. “Should we go greet Dahyun-ah?”</p><p class="western">The recital is over and everyone is standing up, meeting with the musicians and offering their kind words. I look around to spot my friend and find her talking with some of her teachers. Now that I think of it, I haven’t seen neither her parents nor Jun. Are they missing this again? You have got to be kidding me. Three years in a row!</p><p class="western">“Yeah… let’s go.” Mina stands up and leads the way towards the corridor, saying soft <em>sorrys </em>to the people still comfortably sat down. “Did you like it?” I dare to ask when we get to the stairs.</p><p class="western">Then, Mina turns around, flashes me that gummy smile that makes my knees go weak and says: “I loved it.” I’m not lying to you when I say I have absolutely no clue of what’s happening until I find myself being choked by Dubu’s arms.</p><p class="western">“I’m so glad you made it.”</p><p class="western">“I wouldn’t miss a concert by my favorite super star.” The smile that Dahyun articulates could lighten a full cave.</p><p class="western">“It was amazing, Dahyun-ah.” How sick of me it is to be excited about my crush and my best friend getting along this well? It’s not like the contrary would make any difference — Mina is nothing but a friend. Yeah, a friend and nothing else. Not now, not ever. Still, it makes me very happy that the both of them have such a cordial relationship.</p><p class="western">“At last, I was starting to believe you were a ghost all this time!” I know that voice all too well. Rosé appears from the crowd, somehow managing to drag her cello case with her. It would be so hilarious if pianist had to drag their pianos with them too, don’t you think? I’m about to bow when she wraps an arm around my neck in a sudden hug. “Son Chaeyoung, don’t you dare bowing.” Ah, these Australian people…</p><p class="western">“Park Chaeyoung.” I let myself be embraced and struggle not to fall into an awkward position due to the cello.</p><p class="western">“Let me see you.” She pulls away and checks me up and down. “Looking good.” A pinkish blush starts crawling to my ears.</p><p class="western">“You two in the same space, surreal,” Dahyun jokes but she’s right.</p><p class="western">“Where have you been?” she asks.</p><p class="western">“Same places as you, it seems.” A giggle leaves my lips and then I feel her awkwardly standing behind me. Crap, right. I take a step back so I can introduce them properly. “Oh! This is Myoui Mina. Eonnie, this is Park Chaeyoung.” Both of them bow respectfully but I can still feel how painful is this situation for someone as shy as Mina.</p><p class="western">“Or Rosé, however you prefer,” she smiles and respectfully bows before her. She has always had a unique way of making people comfortable, easing them into conversation.</p><p class="western">“Friends from school?” Mina asks. She’s trying although I know she’s rather being polite than interested in the answer. Let’s pretend that doesn’t hurt at all.</p><p class="western">“I had a friend whose name was Son Chaeyoung and she was super cute but damn,” Rosé stretches a hand and puts a lock behind my ear, affectionately. “She’s grown.” Okay, she needs to stop now before I shrink into a tiny red ball of embarrassment and hide under one of the chairs.</p><p class="western">“Blonde hair suits you too.” An awkward silence settles down and the need of breaking it immediately sparks a yelp louder than I had intended. “Yah! We have to meet sometime.” Painfully cringey, like fingernails scratching a blackboard, but Rosé doesn’t seem to notice.</p><p class="western">“Sure, we need to catch up. Still the same number?” I nod and she texts me a smiley face right away. “We’re going to The Alley for some drinks, wanna come along?”</p><p class="western">Out of basic consideration and definitely not because I want to be alone with Mina and hope she prefers that too even if it is only because she doesn’t do well with strangers and big groups, I turn to look at her and see her stiffening in her spot, unsure of what to say. Or that’s what I want to see anyway.</p><p class="western">“Uhm… Actually we should get going.” That in Mina’s eyes is gratefulness. Mini-point for me! “We have dance practice tomorrow.”</p><p class="western">“Dance?” Rosé asks as Dahyun turns around, obviously to hide the stupid smile on her face. If she starts laughing, I swear I’ll step on her foot and I don’t care if I ruin her pretty shoes. “I thought you were for a different kind of Art.”</p><p class="western">“Yeah, I mean…” Ah, <em>dang it.</em> “It is Mina’s major but it’s also something I’ve picked up on recently.” Thankfully, she doesn’t give it much more thought.</p><p class="western">“Sweet, you need to show me those moves later.” I didn’t realize I missed her nonchalant foreign ways so much. Usually, these kind of manners would be more difficult for me to get used to but never with Rosé. It’s her power, if you will. That’s one of the reasons why we became friends, I’ve never been able to hang out with people I’m not comfortable with.</p><p class="western">“Will do.”</p><p class="western">We part ways at the entrance. Dahyun’s social skills have always amazed me, always so prone to talk with everybody and socialize, hardly ever stuttering or being awkward with anyone, never at a loss of words. Just like Nayeon, who despite being somewhat introverted seemed to be the best friend of every single person on this planet all the time — people like them escape my comprehension. I can barely put two words together without wondering what the other person has understood by what I’ve said and what they think of me because of that, which just discourages me to keep talking because it’s too much to take into account at the time. Mina’s more like me, I know. Quiet, shy, only adding to a conversation after having pondered it perfectly to use the right wording and the perfect pitch, although I guess that’s also normal since she’s still getting used to the country and the language. Come to think of it, trying to blend must be devastatingly overwhelming for her, maybe that’s why every time I see her she’s seeking comfort between Sana and Momo-eonnie.</p><p class="western">I don’t know if I’d have the guts to do that — leave my country to go to another, alone and without being absolutely fluent in the language. She’s so <em>ducking </em>brave, you can tell just by looking at her. Mina is one of a kind, and I’m not saying this because I have this massive crush on her. She has this unreal aura, like she’s a completely different type of human. She’s glorious.</p><p class="western">“Wanna go get a drink?” I blurt out at some point as we walk down the street. At this point, I’ve stopped feeling my feet. Mina turns to look at me, momentarily surprised. “I'd like to keep walking but I'm freezing."</p><p class="western">“Yes, please.” I’m glad we’re both on the same page.</p><p class="western">There is no other option, I have to take her to The Black Label. Don’t think I normally go to bars or that kind of places, especially not with my scarce social life, but this place is special. So you can get the general picture of the place, it’s like an English pub in Seoul if English people were obsessed with skating and graffiti. Before you start losing your shits and yelling at me how do I bring the beautiful and elegant Myoui Mina to a grunge place like this, I must tell you that I’ve done my research in the least stalkerish way and I’ve learned this effortlessly classy black swan is also a hard die gamer, and guess who decorated one of the walls of this place with Super Mario art last year? Ten points for Chaeyoung!</p><p class="western">“Joe Rhee!” I greet the bartender as soon as I set a foot inside the place. The older guy takes a look at me and then releases a sigh of relief. He doesn’t like when I come with The School Meal Club, I don’t know why. “Is Somi working tonight?” I’ve sent her a text but she hasn’t answered yet so she’s either working or being, you know, social.</p><p class="western">“Thankfully not.” He finishes cleaning the counter and points us to a table fairly close to my piece of art. The bar isn’t really full so close to the festivities and I guess he’s just bored because he follows us all the way there and even asks: “What can I get you?” Normally when I come here we either have to come back to the counter to ask for our orders or shout at him, like Somi tends to do.</p><p class="western">I give Mina a look, waiting for her to order first. It’s not only a matter of manners, I’ve also read somewhere that mimicking people’s gestures and behaviors you can make them prone to like you and I don’t know what you want me to tell you, I’m desperate.</p><p class="western">“Diet coke,” she says with a smile and I ask for the same. No alcohol tonight, that’s good. We all know by this point how bad I am with alcohol.</p><p class="western">Nayeon never liked this place. Or Somi. I tried to take my ex here a few times kind of undercover as my friend from the faculty and she was always eager to leave. Back then I thought she was just jealous of the way Somi treats me — we have been friends since we were kids and she’s a very extroverted and emotional person, I’ll leave the rest to your imagination — but after the turn things took, I can’t really tell what was wrong at that time. There’s no use in keeping reckoning that at this point anyway, and it irks me that I keep going to that dark place. It’s like she’s infectious and once she’s got into you, she gets into every single one of your memories and thoughts and experiences and you can’t just get rid of her. Yet, only thinking about her sends this crawling feeling to my back that keeps me alert and makes my gut sink, saliva getting warm in the back of my mouth like right before you’re going to vomit.</p><p class="western">“You’ve been friends with Dahyun forever, right?” Mina suddenly asks. If she’s genuinely interested or just making small talk, I don’t know but I’m glad she does break the ice.</p><p class="western">“Almost from the womb.” Joe Rhee comes back with our drinks and I wait till she brings it to her lips first to take a sip. “Our mothers were best friends from high school.”</p><p class="western">“High school? Wow.”</p><p class="western">“Yeah, we grew up together.” My smile drops only a second. I’m not sure I want to keep going with this story, the atmosphere can get awkwardly sad and that’s the last thing I want right now. “My mother died when I was a kid and since my grandparents live in Suwon and my dad worked all the time, I spent a lot of time with her family.” And I hurriedly add: “I guess Dahyun is that person I know for sure will be by my side forever.” Ending it with a happy and hopeful note nothing can go wrong. “Twenty years of friendship.”</p><p class="western">“Must be nice,” she murmurs with her lips still around the straw. Mina takes a long sip and looks back at me, flustered. “Having a friend for so long.” The way she says it makes my heart beat hard inside my chest.</p><p class="western">“Stick around and you’ll find out.” I’m so smoot- Wait a minute! Have I just friend-zoned myself?! Oh, I have. Momo-eonnie says I have game but I’m staring to believe my only game is ‘<em>game over</em>’. Great job, Chaeyoung, I can’t believe you’re such a <em>ducking </em>moron.</p><p class="western">Well, I guess it was worth it only to be blessed by Mina’s wide and gummy smile. I may have absolutely zero game but at least she finds my company rather pleasant. It’s something, right? Maybe, just maybe, if I follow this path, I can make her realize how much of a catch I am even though at the moment I consider myself the stupid version of a chipmunk. This is most likely not a healthy way of approaching this hopeless crush of mine but what do you want me to do, stay away from her? I can’t do that, only being around her is enough to make me content and that’s a brighter mood than what I’ve been drowning into for almost a year. If this is self-destruction, let me have my death here — right now it’s better than nothing.</p><p class="western">“This is on the house, girls.”</p><p class="western">The waiter sets between us two shots of a brownish liquid and a couple of slices of blood orange with what I think is cinnamon on top. The initial surprise is soon interrupted by a bleep of my phone and a text of Somi saying, and I quote, “<em>Dahyun tells me you’re on a date, enjoy the liquid courage!”</em> I’m in two minds between thanking her or being absolutely offended she’s ignored my text, texted Dahyun about me and then decided to act without asking. Or maybe they’re at The Alley together, Somi’s been hanging a lot with Lisa and Jisoo lately. The mystery remains unsolved as the clink of the tiny shot glasses crashing together draws my attention away. Mina has grabbed hers in one hand and the orange slice in the other. I can’t believe I’m drinking alone with Myoui Mina.</p><p class="western">“Cheers,” she says, bringing the glass to her lips and taking all the liquor in one go.</p><p class="western">Of course, I follow up immediately, feeling the warmth of the strong alcohol searing my throat. Fuck, I can feel it all the way down, probably too much by the time I remember I have to bite on the orange. Wow, it’s so yummy, sweet and refreshing. I need to prepare blood orange with cinnamon at home. Still, the best part of it is the way Mina nibbles on her slice, licking her lips here and there. She looks so adorable I could kiss her right now… but I won’t, because we are in public and also because that would be a pretty inappropriate for a friend to do. A friend.</p><p class="western">“It was delicious,” she says, staring around. Is she looking for Joe Rhee?</p><p class="western">“It was, what was it?”</p><p class="western">“Golden tequila, I believe.” Someone knows her liquor. And here I was thinking Myoui Mina was the classiest and healthiest ballet dancer. “Another one when you can, please?” she asks, drawing his attention. Excuse me, I don’t think I’ve heard properly. What is she doing?</p><p class="western">“I don’t think we should…”</p><p class="western">“Just one more, they treated us, it would be disrespectful.” From all the excuses to drink I’ve ever heard, that is the most extra. What am I getting into? “Plus, I wanted to treat you too.” Her eyes dart back to mine and I feel petrified in my spot.</p><p class="western">“Me?”</p><p class="western">Joe Rhee comes back with two more shots and the fruit pieces and leaves them in the middle of the table, removing the empty glasses from before. Mina takes her shot and rises it in front of me, waiting until I do the same.</p><p class="western">“To friendship,” she says in a blithesome tone before toasting and drinking. For some reason, I follow her again. The orange is just as yummy if not even more than the last time.</p><p class="western">“I’m pretty sure it’s going to get to my head, I haven’t…” Ah, I know this heated feeling, the buzz will start coming in a few minutes. This is my fault, I melt around pretty girls and turn into a dummy who can’t even think for herself. “I said I wouldn’t have another drop of alcohol.”</p><p class="western">“Why? Wild when drunk?” She looks too entertained by my worry for my own good. This is the moment I start overly analyzing her words and stares and movements to pretend everything is gay, isn’t it?</p><p class="western">“Something like that.”</p><p class="western">After the way last time went, I like to think I’ll be more than aware of my actions and thoughts from now on and I’ll be ready to stop myself from doing something I shouldn’t do. Last time I drank way beyond my limit, up until this day I’m still unable to recall and much less explain some parts of the night — the ones I do remember, though, they will stay on my conscience forever. Why do I have such little tolerance to alcohol, though? Is it because I hardly ever drink? Or because I’m tiny? Maybe both. Drinking is not good for you, kids, don’t do it.</p><p class="western">God, I still can’t believe I’m tipsy next to Myoui Mina.</p><p class="western">Fortunately for me, Mina does not order any more drinks and my hazed brain doesn’t give me the impression it would be a good idea to do it out of the sudden either. If you believe this is one of those moments when the friends get drunk and they end up making out or more… you’re going to be very disappointed. Despite the obvious buzz clouding my brain, I do manage to stay calm and Mina, while more talkative and open, doesn’t start acting strange at all. Speaking for myself, the further I go is sitting next to her so we both can observe the graffiti — I tell her the story of every single one of them, from the Super Mario one that I did (she loved it, points to Chaeyoung) to the teeth biting the tongue that I did not have the pleasure of doing but does amaze me.</p><p class="western">At some point, with the pleasant music lulling us in the background and her body warming mine in such close proximity, she laughs at something rather dumb I’ve said and momentarily leans her head on my shoulder.</p><p class="western">“I’m so glad I met you, Chaeyoungie.”</p><p class="western">I would try to look at her, I would, but that would mean the tiny space between us would become even smaller and I’m already trying to process the fainting ghost feeling of her head perfectly fitting in the crook of my neck.</p><p class="western">“Me too,” and I gulp the knot in my throat. “I’m sure the floor that got dented with my butt didn’t like it that much.”</p><p class="western">“Don’t say that, silly!” Mina releases this tiny random sound that she produces whenever she’s excited and bumps my shoulder with hers. “I’m still so sorry about that.”</p><p class="western">“I thought you said you were glad!” She laughs and gives me the gummiest smile as her hand playfully slaps my arm. It lingers there, fiddling with the fabric of my shirt. “You can’t have both,” I struggle to say in a louder voice than a murmur.</p><p class="western">“Why are you so nice to me?” she asks then.</p><p class="western">All this time, I’ve felt like there’s this wide window between Mina and I, separating each other. At first I thought it was only part of her walls since we barely knew each other but as it never started fading nor breaking in the slightest and neither it did with Sana or Momo-eonnie, I’ve started to believe Mina has a way of being close to people and still protecting her own space zealously. She’s quiet and reserved, she values her privacy and while she can tell you a lot of things about herself, she’ll remain a mystery because that’s how she likes it. I don’t think she trusts people just like that even though she’ll always be polite and kind and, honestly, that’s fine. <em>Why are you so nice to me?</em>, she wonders and although I could give her a list of why I believe to my heart that she’s worth getting to know her and showering with love, I don’t. It wouldn’t make a difference and she probably wouldn’t take seriously such a big bunch of pretty words. At the end of the day, words are just that. So even if they explode inside of me, fighting to go out, fueled by the unfortunate alcohol, I won’t let them go.</p><p class="western">“Why wouldn’t I?” Is all I say, and I believe it suffices for the both of us.</p><p class="western">Our eyes meet in the uttermost silence and her stare locks mine for a moment that maybe lasts less than a minute but feels like centuries. Maybe in another world, if my life was a movie or a drama, this would be the best time to lean and capture her lips — perhaps I even let my eyes drop there for a second, considering the suitability of such action. It is even possible that my mind fantasizes with this lingering glance and that I have to make an actual effort not to fall into foulness and believe there’s a tiny chance for me to get inside her heart. Probably it is this the reason why her next words make my heart skip a beat.</p><p class="western">“Can I tell you something?” I’m not sure anymore if she’s whispering or if it’s just the natural softness of her voice, but I love every single part of it. Especially the moment when she averts her gaze, obviously flustered. Am I really this delusional?</p><p class="western">“Sure.” It comes out as a murmur, so low at first I don’t think she’s even heard me over the sound of my heart pounding inside my chest.</p><p class="western">“There’s this boy in my class…”</p><p class="western">In that precise moment, my ears start bleeping. I could swear I’ve felt something breaking.</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0009"><h2>9. Because we all make mistakes out of vulnerability but it doesn’t mean they don’t hurt. Sana.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">Maybe I’m not at home exactly <span>at the time</span> I told mom I would be but what’s a couple of hours up <span>or</span> down when they’re out for the weekend? Nothing because they don’t need to know. There are different versions for what people think I do when I arrive this late: my <span>stepdad </span>thinks I’ve been kidnapped, my <span>mom is very sure I’ve been on a date with a guy, my crew believes I’ve been having a slumber party with my girlfriends and Chaeyoung wouldn’t care enough to even form an opinion. All in all, the only one that would be spot on is Momoring. As the direction of the Dance Club, we need to do the best we can, and trying to manage that while fighting for the best grades you can get in college to keep your scholarship is not an easy task so there are times when we have to practice at midnight. Would it take this long if we weren’t goofing around so much? Probably not but no life is worth living without a little fun.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>Normally, I’d have to tip toe so mom won’t notice my arrival but not tonight. Coming back to an empty house is a dream come true — really, I wish I had taken that opportunity to live in a paid dorm or a flat instead of deciding to have some </span>
  <span>
    <em>family time </em>
  </span>
  <span>at almost 21. Now it’s too late to go back. Anyway, for the first time in a long while, today I can breathe and it’s relieving, truly. I even feel courageous enough to hang my coat in the rack, make a first stop by the kitchen and drink a glass of fresh water before making a bee line to the upper floor, trying to be stealthy only out of habit and not necessity.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>Shit, I thought </span>
  <span>
    <em>she</em>
  </span>
  <span> would be sleeping.</span>
</p><p class="western">There’s something strange, a murmur echoing somewhere in the hallway, a sound resembling the tiny whimpers of a wounded animal. My first instinct is to sigh deeply, totally convinced <em>someone</em> has brought another str<span>ay</span> <span>cat</span> to take care of — I can already foresee the argument they’re going to have the moment mom or my stepdad find out. Nevertheless, what I see the moment I open the door of Chaeyoung’s bedroom is not a wounded kitten. The first thing I notice is a very big canvas, some painting that I’m sure resembled a human face at some point (a girl, I believe, since it has long eyelashes) but now it has a big red stain in the center. The second thing I see, however, is a mess of sheets covering <span>my stepsister</span> up to her nose. My heart s<span>inks</span>. Is she sick? She’s curled up in bed, panting with a ragged breath. Feverish? When I enter, she stays very still, like a cautious animal trying to go <span>unnoticed</span> by a potential predator. She doesn’t even breathe or whimper anymore but she won’t fool me if she expects to make me think she’s sleeping.</p><p class="western">“Chaeyoung?” The moment I sit next to her on the bed, I see the pool of tears drenching her pillow next to where her face is snuggled up. “Hey, what’s wrong?” There’s this uncomfortable feeling in my belly and before I can stop myself, my hand is already fixing wet strands of raven hair.</p><p class="western">She still resists a bit at first but after a couple of seconds she has to gasp for air. In that moment she breaks and with her my heart as uneven but powerful sobs start coming out. Part of me wants to say I’d kill anyone <span>who</span> could have hurt her like this but the truth is that this is likely about Mina and there’s nothing I can do about a hopeless and unrequited love. I told <span>Chaeng</span> pursuing her was not an intelligent idea, she should have listened but she never does.</p><p class="western">Suddenly, Chaeyoung turns on her back and glares at me rather violently <span>ye</span>t completely deprived of any strength, more hurt than furious.</p><p class="western">“Did you know?!” She demands to know, struggling to breathe as she speaks. I <span>have no clue</span> what she’s talking about but I can already tell you it’s not going to be <span>pretty</span>. “Did you know she was dating a guy from her class?!” Oh, Chaeyoungie… Shit.This day was bound to arrive, I just hoped she would have come into her senses by then.Someone like Mina wasn’t likely to remain single for long, shyness and all, she’s a princess — although I’m a bit hurt she didn’t even tell us she was interested in anyone… but that’s not what’s important now.</p><p class="western">What do I do? How could I ever mend the mess of her heart? This is not something I could <span>solve</span> with a hug and some cuddles, is it? I don’t know, but maybe some warmth is a good start — that’s why I shake my head and get under the sheets with her. I don’t even need to force it, it is Chaeyoung the one that instantly clings to me and hides her face on my neck, crying <span>bitter tears, grieving the death of a fantasy so full of joy that was enough to make her shine with her own light</span>. Now sulkiness is all that remains.</p><p class="western">This is not the first time I’ve seen her like this. Maybe not crying since she never before allowed me to see <span>that</span>, but after last summer we’ve all become fa<span>miliar with</span> this lifelessness in her, this heartbreaking vulnerability that <span>she used to hide </span>behind steel walls of pure teenage puberty. I never thought someone like her, so chill and sometimes pretentiously edgy, could go back this easily into the cold jail of sorrow. I believed she was more intelligent than that, that she had learned something from her last heartbreak, or at least that this time it wouldn’t be the same — I thought wrong, obviously. It does trouble me, however, that there’s actually a tiny but important difference between then and now: this time I do care, for some reason. What of it, right? If I only cared barely enough, it wouldn’t be a problem but n<span>o</span>, this time her desolation feels like something’s ripping my soul, making blood run to my fingertips and toes. With every tear, with every sad moan full of pain something inside of me twists and churns until it becomes everything and nothing at the same time. What is it? What is it that makes me feel sad when she’s sad and angry when she’s hopeless? <span>Nothing makes sense anymore</span>.</p><p class="western">“It’s ok, Chaeyoungie,” I try to soothe her above her sad whimpers, hugging her head and kissing the top of it. I wish I could tell her everything will be alright, but what can be okay? There’s nothing she can do about it, only wait until her bleeding heart mends and I can’t foresee when that will be. So I don’t tell her that, I don’t lie. “Let it go, it’s ok.”</p><p class="western">And then I feel it. Between sniffs and cries when the sobs die down — a nip, right above my clavicle. The first time it <span>truly feels</span> like a product of my imagination but when <span>another follows and then a kiss,</span> I cannot ignore it.</p><p class="western">“What are you doing?” It comes out like a whisper and despite she doesn’t say a word I <span>am sure</span> she has heard me. Another <span>one</span>, and another until the nipping becomes a persistent nibble on my neck that will surely leave a mark. “Chaeng.”</p><p class="western">I push her shoulder carefully, separating her from me so she w<span>ill</span> listen, so I can talk some sense into her before we both do something we’ll most likely regret. What I’m met with are the biggest, most desperate brown eyes I’ve ever seen, runny mascara and wet puffiness framing pure desolation. So painfully fragile.</p><p class="western">Shit.</p><p class="western">Something happens then, something shifts. It’s not a change of heart, it’s the acceptance of something I’ll have to try to atone for later even though I know there will be no possible redemption. I drop my hand. I drop my hand and when I do, Chaeyoung hovers over me. I drop my hand and when I do, she straddles one of my legs and resumes her attack on my neck. I drop my hand and do nothing but caressing her messy hair while her teeth close around tender flesh that she eases with her tongue afterwards. Her mouth soon climbs to mine, locking my lips in a deep and almost forceful kiss, tongue dancing with mine in a way I have tried very hard to <span>erase from my mind</span>. How different it feels without the haze of the night clouding my senses and the alcohol strong in her tongue, and yet it’s so similar to that unforgettable night that it makes me want to scream, vomit and laugh at the same time. Contrary to what was before, this time it’s her taking the lead and it’s warm, suffocating — every kiss throws a wave of heat that spreads through my body, topped by the searing sensation of her touch crawling on my skin. I gasp into her <span>mouth</span>, surprised by the sudden eagerness as her hands hurriedly slide under my high-cut dance practice t-shirt. She did this that day too, searching for skin in such greed to <span>caress</span>, to scratch and mark — mindlessly demanding more than any of us can handle.</p><p class="western">Her kiss soon turns raw and wet from tears, ferocious <span>yet</span> so incredibly tender that once the initial surprise has faded, hesitation leaves room for action and my hands travel from head to back and from back to butt, guiding her hips down to get some friction against my thigh in what I know is the most stupid decision I’ve made in my life. Honestly, at this point I can’t bring myself to care, not when those plump lips that keep quivering in sorrow are now ravaging mine, not when her <span>body is </span>slowly adjusting to find the most pleasurable position against all the layers of fabric between us. Fighting each other seems to be something inherent to this desire between us, roughness shining bright above her cries and my regret, blinding us to resignation until we give in to our most primal instincts. And just like that, Chaeyoung becomes everything: all I can think of, all I want to feel, <span>the one </span>I need to protect and the heart I must ease at all cost.</p><p class="western">“Off,” she whispers against my lips before sucking on my tongue, pulling from my t-shirt when she finds resistance to keep going up. <span>My clothes do tend to be a</span> bit tight.</p><p class="western">When the t-shirt disappears, Chaeyoung struggles to yank away my sports bra too. She’s so cute, what can I say? Such nice biceps and so little strength. With a slightly forceful kiss on the lips, I push her away and free myself from the bra. In addition, I take leverage of the moment to remove her pajama shirt before the hungry cub can throw another attack. Chaeyoung’s body is so characteristically slender yet so sturdy looking, I struggle not to act on my instincts and pin her against a wall to fuck her senseless until she forgets everything about anyone — until she <span>can’t even remember she’s hurting</span>. Oh… that was uncalled for… Fuck, <span>when did I lose all control of my mind?</span> Instead, I bite my lower lip and let her lay me down, I allow her hands to roam free down my sides and her lips to press kisses on my chest for as long as she pleases. I endure the way her teeth bite flesh, marking my skin with forbidden bruises, and how her <span>tongue</span> turns the softness of my nipples into raw <span>pleasure slithering under my skin. A moan escapes my lips when she starts sucking, the hand that was resting aside with so much effort giving up to tangle with her dark mane and encourage her to keep doing exactly that.</span></p><p class="western">To get a full view of her ministrations, I put all her hair to the side as her tongue keeps playing with my nipples. How more wrong can it be for me to love this? To feel joy at seeing her hips grinding against my thigh and her mouth delighting itself on my breasts, to be invaded by a warmth that has little to do with the heat emanating from my own center and a lot with the illusion of doing something good for her, of being needed since it is me and only me the one who could do this for her, the one she wants to do this with. The vague fantasy of being… special. But as her breath becomes uneven and her leg mimics mine and adjusts against my crotch, when her mouth never stops worshiping my chest because she knows how it makes me feel, knowing in her pain she wants me to enjoy this too, how can I not believe that? When the lines between fantasy and reality blur there is no way to tell the difference.</p><p class="western">Until the difference comes to punch you in the face.</p><p class="western">My ears don’t even register the buzz until the warmth of her body disappears to grab the phone on her desk. I wasn’t ready to feel so empty. Dirty. There’s no need to be a <span>seer</span> to understand the smile that draws on her face, to know why she’s left everything to answer. Because of someone really special to her.</p><p class="western">I know I shouldn’t be mad but I have the right to be, don’t I? Maybe I don’t, but that doesn’t erase the feel of a fist closing around my gut, bile burning on my throat as the realization of how dumb and useless I really am hits me. How little sense makes what I’m doing — what am I even doing? Right now I’m rushing to grab my shirt, not even bothering to find my bra, that’s what I’m doing. That and trying to calm down and rationalize the situation not to snap at her the way my boiling blood is demanding. She doesn’t even bother to make up an apology, she doesn’t even offer a word to explain herself, no — she just sniffs as she types, waiting silently for the next answer to come. She doesn’t even look at me, like she’s forgotten I <span>am still here. Cold and raw as it might feel, I do not matter to her. </span></p><p class="western">“I can’t believe you,” I hiss under my breath, finally giving in and desperately trying to find my sports bra. Stupid, that’s what I am. For a second I thought… I don’t even know what I thought and I don’t want to know. This fucking serves me well. “You just have to have everyone, don’t you?” Ah, it’s under the bed, how suitable for the moment. “Mina, Nayeon, me...”</p><p class="western">When I stand back on my feet I see her, petrified. Oh, now she remembers I do exist. Chaeyoung is giving me the weirdest look, her face contorting in a horror countenance as she finally (fucking finally) leaves her phone on the desk.</p><p class="western">“How do you know that?” And here I was thinking what’s happened is finally sinking in her mind. No, this is about Nayeon now, for a change. Nayeon and Mina, Mina and Nayeon. Stop. “What’s going on between you two?”</p><p class="western">What’s going…? I swear to whatever is up there if there’s anything at all that if she’s going to make a jealous scene now because she’s worried I have something with her ex, I’ll throw her out of that window. First of all, whatever Nayeon does or doesn’t do is none of her business anymore, and the same goes for my own doings. Provided my doings don’t imply <em>doing her,</em> which it shouldn’t because she’s my stepsister, for fuck’s sake. This is… this is my fault, that’s what this is. Seeing her spiraling down towards destruction was <span>dangerous</span> enough from afar but giving up on keeping my distance and recklessly allowing both our spirals to collide and create a tornado has <span>only turned</span> everything into a catastrophe — how not predictable. Honestly, I thought I knew better. I should have known better at this point of my life, but Sana never seems to learn unless she gets burnt, does she? Shit...</p><p class="western">“We’re friends, she’s in my Theatre class, I told you already.” My bitter reply gets suffocated by her sudden pacing across the room. I don’t really have the mental space for this situation, right now I ought to take care of my own mental breakdown. In fact, I’m about to leave the room, bra in hand and soul on my feet, when she has to open her mouth again.</p><p class="western">“You haven’t…” Chaeyoung looks like either she’s going to have a fit or she’s going to <span>be sick all over the carpet</span>. Or maybe both. “God, you haven’t done <em>that,</em> right?”</p><p class="western"><em>That</em>, she says. The kind of<em> that</em> she was <span>in the middle of doing</span> with me? That kind of<em> that</em>?Right now I’m trying to remember what kind of wrong choices in life have brought me to this very moment, starting by coming out to my dad, all my way through deciding to come to South Korea and giving a chance to this perfect daughter and kind of sister-friend thing. Actually, thinking back to it, I don’t believe I’ve made a single fucking good choice. For years I’ve thought I just have some issues to work on, like everybody else, but now I’m realizing that I might be the issue.</p><p class="western">My legs stop working, I’m frozen on the spot for long seconds before I manage to spin around, jaw clenching, breath ragged in anger, fists closing dangerously around the first thing they can reach, which currently is the bra for one and the door handle for the other. Do not snap, Sana. It’s late, do not...</p><p class="western">“Is that what you’re worried about here, seriously?!” Chaeyoung looks taken aback. She’s never been someone who seeks confrontation or that is eager to have an argument but something is obvious and it is that we cannot keep going around this.</p><p class="western">Exhausted, Chaeyoung slumps on her bed and sits down looking at me, her legs crossed over messy sheets and hands hidden under her thighs. I keep my distance, limbs still unresponsive as my back leans on the door behind me. My weight ends up betraying me and I slide until my butt rests on the floor. Her gaze lands on me for a second before dropping again and running somewhere else.</p><p class="western">“Why did you do that?” I break the silence. Chaeyoung swallows and takes a deep breath.</p><p class="western">“Why did you let me?” Because I’m stupid, but that’s not a reason, <span>that’s an excuse</span>.</p><p class="western">“I don’t know, I…” … am so confused right now.</p><p class="western">None of us is sure what time it is or for how long has this been going. We stay like that, each one of us looking at some random point in the dim light, quietness only broken by our heavy breaths and the sound of my head <span>l</span>eaning on the door. Another buzz echoes in the night yet this time none of us moves. I almost want to cry, not out of sadness but sudden relief.</p><p class="western">She could have done that. She could have ignored it the first time and right now who knows if we would be dry humping each other or things would have escalated to a situation I don’t even want to picture in my head. That’s right, I don’t even want to imagine what could have happened but if that is truly the case, what was the source of the sudden anger that drove me the moment she stopped, the moment she left me there? I can’t help but wonder if what’s happened tonight has been a product of my usual hunger for self-destruction and lachism or if there’s something else I’m forcing myself to deny.</p><p class="western">I don’t know about Chaeyoung but I’m terrified.</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Chapter 10 will be out on July 20th!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0010"><h2>10. Because she's the lion queen. Sana.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I had to upload a bit earlier because I won't be home until Tuesday. Enjoy!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">Sometimes I scream and people don’t understand why. I cannot expect them to know the reason if I don’t say a thing but sometimes I wish they just would. That’s why I mostly stick to Momo, because she just <em>knows </em>all the time<em>.</em> It is so much easier, way more than having to look at people in the eye and opening your heart — in my experience, doing that only ends up in bitter tears spilling and a heart torn to pieces, more often than not.</p><p class="western">Once I heard what really defines intelligence is people’s ability to learn from their mistakes. A whole life of achievements and good grades only to realize I’m the most idiotic human being to exist in this wretched world. The more scars I get, the more I realize I should just keep screaming and shouting until my voice dies down and their ears bleed. My heart is so ugly at this point I see no reason to show it to anybody, anyway.</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu-yah, you’re breaking my heart,” a random guy in dull sweatpants whines. The girl running on the treadmill gives him a single look before answering in a metallic voice.</p><p class="western">“I’ll break more than that if you keep interrupting my training.” Her voice doesn’t quiver in the slightest, I don’t understand how she’s doing that!</p><p class="western">It is precisely because of my existential frustration that I am at the campus gym on a Saturday morning, stretching at the side instead of verbalizing what is eating me up. No, instead of taking my problems by the horns I’ll just come here to warm up, doing my best to calm down so I won’t start again mulling over the fact that Chaeyoung said she needed to step back to see the bigger picture and she ended up stepping all the way to Suwon to randomly spend winter holidays with her mother’s family and left me to give whatever explanation I could come up with to her father. Or the fact that she hasn’t answered a single one of my texts for the last month… or anyone’s for that matter. Okay, okay, I get it — what happened with Mina… and afterwards must have hit her hard, I can’t really blame her. I just wish she would show some signs of, you know, being still alive! Like really, just one text, she doesn’t even need to write words. Just an emoji, a single fucking dot would be enough.</p><p class="western">Have you ever felt like you’re failing at life? Like you are supposed to meet some minimum, really basic expectations as you grow up and despite what people likes to see you realize you haven’t met a single one. All I needed to be was a good daughter for my parents, even for my stepfather, a good sister to Chaeyoung and a hardworking student, enough to graduate. Right now it feels like I put all my energy into a single shot and I missed most of my targets. I don’t know what to do anymore — I’ve tried so hard to be who I’m supposed to be but every time I think I’m finally there I end up fucking everything up once more. Then, it’s like life resets and I have to start over from scratch. I have a steel determination, giving up isn’t something… it is something I have considered before but I have the motivation to keep going so it’s not that bothersome. What I cannot handle is the permanent tension, the pressure that instead of diminishing, builds even faster the longer I’ve been behaving properly — what if I make another mistake?</p><p class="western">There’s this loop I’m trapped in where I can never win and the more I try, the faster I seem to trip. I guess I’ve always been clumsy.</p><p class="western">“That was savage,” Momoring says under her breath with a gesture of pain.</p><p class="western">“She used to give them the silence treatment or politely reject them in high school but they wouldn’t leave her alone.” Dahyun-ah’s resting on her knees behind Momo, giving her a massage of some sort with her elbows as my friend stretches. She looks really good with her new metallic blue hair up in a messy bun, almost like a manga character. “It’s really maddening. She could stab them and they would just ask for more.”</p><p class="western">“Disgusting,” Jihyo and I respond in unison. Ah! We’re like twins! I give her a knowing look and she responds playfully slapping my arm. Then, she stands, walks towards a corner and starts doing sit-ups. God Jihyo bless that boot-… I mean, she’s getting really good at sit-ups.</p><p class="western">“Dahyun-ah, are you going to dead-lift today?” Momo asks, letting herself go and lying straight to lean on the younger girl.</p><p class="western">“No, I’m just gonna stretch.” Dahyun rests her chin on my friend’s shoulder. Her pale skin shinning bright next to Momo’s dark clothes. “My legs feel a bit tight.”</p><p class="western">There she goes again. Momo puts a hand on the back of one of the girl’s thighs and brings her head closer with the other until her lips are ghostly touching the soft skin of her cheek, her jaw, even her ear, making poor Dahyunnie blush to her hairline. Momo loves to baby her, swaying with her as she whispers whatever in her ear, playing with the light flesh of her chin like the girl is a puppy. Poor Dahyunnie keeps wincing when my friend gets too close but she won’t stop cuddling her and go away either. If they keep rocking like that, Momo’s probably going to fall asleep.</p><p class="western">Sometimes I envy her so much. From the moment we met, we hit it off — at first it was about being the only Japanese students in our year, about reassurance and comfort, having someone around who could really understand when you said “I’m exhausted” because she was exactly in the same situation as me. However, the more I hanged out with her, the more I realized how amazing she is as a person, how genuine. Momo is the kind of person that will act all disaffected if you get clingy but only because she knows you are sure of how dear you are for her. In fact, the moment you turn around she’ll be the one to cling to you. Momo is the kind of friend you could be wandering around with at two in the morning in the morning in a foreign country and still feel safe. The kind of person you could be speaking and laughing with all night and you’ll still prefer to goof around with her in the morning rather than sleeping. Sometimes when she dances Momo feels like a power of nature, and while she’s indeed amazing, I’m not saying this because of any of that. It is a bit more complicated, or maybe more simple, depending on how you see it. The reason why I am envious of Momo at times it is because she is also the kind of girl that could cling to another one, cuddle her like a teddy bear, be impossibly close to her and hug her with her arms and legs in pure friendship. Odd thing to be jealous about, I know, still I wish every time I myself feel like doing that, I could stop just there just like she does. Perhaps, that’s the reason I will never be able to be a good sister to Chaeyoung, because I seem unable to provide love and comfort without crossing the line I ought not to cross with another girl.</p><p class="western">Suddenly, Momo stands up and lazily walks towards the treadmills where Tzuyu and the annoyingly persistent guy are still arguing, if you can call <em>argue </em>to practically telling the dude to fuck off while he’s still idiotically unaware. It’s both pathetic and infuriating, honestly.</p><p class="western">“If they make you uncomfortable, you should explain it to them,” Momo says, stopping in front of the machine. When the guy’s blabber abruptly stops, Tzuyu stops running. The poor girl looks defeated, I want to cuddle her badly but I won’t dare to move an inch. “If not they’re gonna keep coming for more.” Momo has her back, though. That’s reassuring.</p><p class="western">“I don’t know, eonnie. I don’t want to make a big deal out of this.” How funny it is that they’re just discussing this right in front of him and the only thing he can do is staring from one to the other with a mix of surprise and confusion in his eyes, though?</p><p class="western">“It is no joke,” Momo insists and this time she blatantly points to the dude. “These creeps just keep coming like crazy, it’s not normal.” At this, the guy opens his mouth to try to make an explanation, an excuse or maybe even to complain about my friend’s forwardness but he doesn’t even get the chance to emit a sound before Momo turns to him. “Excuse me, but she wants to be alone, you’re making her uncomfortable.” He again tries to say a word but Tzuyu’s face and Momo’s glare tell enough already. Thankfully, at last he takes the hint and his face twists in an embarrassed grimace before making an exaggerated bow and murmuring something I don’t get to listen to, probably an apology. Then, he turns around and leaves. He doesn’t even go to the weight room, he strides straight towards the locker room. I don’t think we’ll see him around again, I’m almost sorry for him. Almost, but not really — he should be embarrassed of his actions. “See?” Momo reaches for Tzuyu and squeezes her shoulder. “Just be honest with them, Tzuyu-yah. It’s your right to be able to do whatever without being harassed.”</p><p class="western">“Thank you, eonnie, I will.” Tzuyu bows her head, a visible blush creeping up her neck. Momoring is such a good eonnie...</p><p class="western">“Momoring is such a good eonnie.” I jolt, startled, believing I’m starting to hear voices for a hot second before realizing it’s just Mina being absolutely spot on and verbalizing my exact thoughts. How accurate, and how formidable.</p><p class="western">“Do you think Chaeyoung prefers her over me?” There’s a reason why something inside my head thought it would be a good thing to talk to her about Chaeyoung but I can’t quite grasp it. No, what’s more: why am I even talking or thinking about her? She’s on holidays and I am too, from being her sister. She’s been ignoring me for a month anyway.</p><p class="western">“Why do you think that?” Mina’s such a pure princess. You haven’t seen her, you couldn’t understand. Only thinking about how wretched everything has got around her without her realizing the slightest bit makes my heart sink and, at the same time, relieves me greatly. The only worst thing to an unrequited love, is having both parties suffering because of it. There’s enough pain in one side already, enough destruction.</p><p class="western">“They just look so close all the time.” I do shrug it off, doing my best to stop myself there and bring back the brightness, but this is Mina. For some reason, I’m totally unable to fool her whenever I’m feeling down. As big, brown eyes meet mine, all I can do is releasing a deep sigh and swallowing my pride. “She didn’t even call for my birthday…” Not that she has ever done it but I just thought this year it would be different.</p><p class="western">She stares at me for a moment, not a word leaving her lips, only to articulate the most reassuring smile and reaching for my thigh. She squeezes it gently, right above my knee, and leaves her hand there. She’s truly a princess. Mina can be a bit too closed inside her own world sometimes but her mere presence is so comforting.</p><p class="western">“I’m sure Chaeyoungie will make it up to you.” Add to the equation her soft and pleasant voice and you have a true doll. That guy she’s dating (and she has not mentioned to us yet, by the way) better behave or Momo and I will teach him the Japanese way. “She’s not the type of being inconsiderate with the people she loves.”</p><p class="western">That’s true, but I don’t think Chaeyoungie loves me. Not like a sister, not like anything else, really, and I don’t blame her. For the longest time I put on her and her dad the blame of my mother leaving me. Even after coming to South Korea I still thought they had stolen her love from me and so I tried to do anything in my power to change that. Unfair, I know, but please understand how difficult it is for an 18 year old to accept the reason why her mother left was because she just didn’t love her enough to stay and take care of her. That doesn’t mean my mother doesn’t love me, she does, but I’ve not been her priority in a long time, that’s all. No, I would go even farther and I’d say I don’t think I’ve ever been number one. As time passes by, you realize a lot more about the world and it’s not always pretty but that’s growing up, taking things as they come and keep going. The problem here is that I know for a fact that there’s still a chance to redeem myself and be a good sister to Chaeyoung, I just don’t really know if that’s what I want anymore. Well, there it is.</p><p class="western">What is this force that keeps us orbiting around each other even when I’ve tried to stay and keep her away? Is this tender and warm feeling in my chest only sisterly love or something more? Is the attraction between us real passion or just a misinterpreted appreciation for the other? Ugh! I don’t even want to think about it, picturing what happened still sends very unpleasant shivers to my spine. Knowing what you know one might think I spend my days drooling after my stepsister and I don’t, I swear! Of course Chaeyoung is very pretty, and specially very cute… all tiny and portable… but girls are cute! That doesn’t mean anything at all. Also, girls can appreciate another girl’s beauty without it being suspicious. I admit there have been times in my life when I have… maybe… liked girls like that… Certain girls! Just sometimes! But not like this, I don’t think. Maybe. Argh, I’m confused! Look, for example, I do find Tzuyu very beautiful (like gorgeous to another entire level of existence) but that doesn’t mean I want to do anything with her apart from cuddle her and kiss her lots, maybe in a bed or a couch to be more comfortable, and maybe if she went further I wouldn’t find it in myself to stop her but there’s nothing suspicious about that — who would?! She’s just freaking adorable!</p><p class="western">Another guy is trying to flirt with her. Seriously, we can’t let our guard down — Momo has only stepped a few steps back towards the stretching zone and another annoying insect is buzzing around her again. This time I’m about to stand up and give her a hand when a familiar raven mane cuts my line of view.</p><p class="western">“Just a coffee, Tzuyu-ssi,” the guy begs as the younger girl makes her treadmill stop, probably too sick of the interruptions to keep trying. Poor Tzuyu, really. We have all been approached by guys before but what keeps happening systematically to her is crazy. “It’s all I’m asking.”</p><p class="western">“Sure,” Nayeon says, leaning on the treadmill and folding her arms. “I want mine tasty, sweet and too hot for you. Just like me.”</p><p class="western">Nayeon-eonnie can be so cool sometimes although her personality is a bit too explosive for someone as relaxed as Chaeyoung. To this day I still can’t believe those two dated, and moreso that Nayeon didn’t see fit to tell me about it. Not that we were that close before but still we’ve known each other for a while, in some aspects better than many people we’re more acquainted with. It’s like nobody tells me anything these days. Am I so unapproachable or difficult to talk with?</p><p class="western">“That was good, eonnie.” Tzuyu being nice to Nayeon is something so uncommon I think I should take a video or a picture or anything to immortalize the moment.</p><p class="western">“Thank you.” As well as Nayeon-eonnie being so collected, although she has always loved to be praised.</p><p class="western">“Why are you still here?” So savage.</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu-yah, yoga class will start in five minutes.” Mitang calls for the maknae.</p><p class="western">I’m not really in the mood for yoga. All the breathing is fine but the psychedelic vibes of the class put me off a little bit. I need a place where I can be loud and giggle if I want to. My friends love it, though — I sometimes wonder if it’s just the overall relaxation what they seek or if they just want to chill in weird positions without being sneered at. I don’t know about Tzuyu but we keep picking on Mitang about her way of moving and yoga must be a party for her. She’s also always been the type to like some peace and quiet and to do stuff without having to move around too much. Mina… she’s a woman of many contradictions but that’s how we love her.</p><p class="western">My eyes follow them as they go hand in hand towards the stairs before catching a glimpse of something that draws my stare, my mind and steals my whole attention. You might not know this, I myself found out very recently about it, but Dahyun-ah is really flexible and when I say that I mean VERY flexible. This girl does not have joints, remember my words because it borderlines the supernatural. Right now, she’s doing an arch but I swear it’s more like a doughnut. Her toes pass her chin for God’s sake! She cannot have a spine!</p><p class="western">Finally, Dahyun lies down on her belly but only for a moment before standing back up and effortlessly reaching for her feet. Damn, Dahyunnie has very… powerful thighs, I’m not even going to deny it — she definitely deadlifts. Her milky skin peeks from the border between her shirt and her leggings, marking the beginning of the vertiginous curve of her hips. There’s one thing I knew already but I hadn’t really noticed the extent of it, and it is that Dahyun has proportions to die for and I don’t think people realize. I didn’t for sure! Not until I started paying closer attention to her. This is a very curious thing, actually — everyone agrees Momo or Tzuyu have rocking bodies and tend to talk about it, extensively. People are so mouthy, you always end up hearing things like these around... it’s not like I have this particular conversation with anyone ever. Despite this being the case, I never noticed anyone in the faculty talking about Dahyunnie this way — sure I heard a lot of things about her antics and her musical capabilities, even about her vampire-like skin tone, but never about her natural beauty. It is unfair the way such soft features and gorgeous shapes aren’t appreciated, although I guess that’s better than been harassed like our maknae. She’s so pretty and tiny I don’t understand how people can keep their hands away from her, I would cuddle her all day if she let me. Also, the way blood fills her pale cheeks the moment I step closer is so adorable I can’t help myself, I swear.</p><p class="western">My phone sets off, the sound of bubbles exploding among the blasting music of the gym as a text arrives. Chaeyoung! I throw myself at the device only to release a disappointed sigh when I see it’s Momo’s.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western"><b>Moguri, 11:42 am: </b>Stop drooling at Dahyuns hips</p>
  <p class="western"><b>Moguri, 11:42 am:</b> creepy</p>
</blockquote><p class="western">I… I am definitely not drooling! What a fucking asshole!</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western"><b>Me, 11:43 am:</b> I’m not</p>
  <p class="western"><b>Moguri, 11:43 am:</b> U r</p>
  <p class="western"><b>Moguri, 11:43 am:</b> U’ve never been so bold</p>
  <p class="western"><b>Moguri, 11:44 am: </b>U ok?</p>
</blockquote><p class="western">I’m obviously not okay since my best friend is an idiot and now I need to find a new one. I rise my glance to look at her — there’s genuine concern in her eyes. It’s not like I was whistling at her or anything, calm down. Why can’t I be staring at a woman in pure appreciation without it being taken as lust? It’s like you can’t look at a girl’s perky butt or the strong curve of her thighs and her perfectly shaped hips without having mischievous intentions. This is the 21<sup>st</sup> century!</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western"><b>Me, 11:44 am:</b> I was just thinking of asking her about Chaeyoung</p>
</blockquote><p class="western">I don’t know why I type such blatant lie, maybe because it’s easier than trying to excuse myself when she’s obviously decided she knows me better than I do.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western"><b>Moguri, 11:45 am: </b>Her or her ass?</p>
</blockquote><p class="western">Have you ever seen one of those tiny red spiders that aren’t larger than a dot of dirt? I’m that close to stand up and kick her ass.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western"><b>Me, 11:45 am: </b>Stop</p>
</blockquote><p class="western">My fingers are a bit too quick to type something about how inappropriate it is to insinuate I’m not only thinking that way about a girl who is younger than me but also my stepsister’s best friend. They’re just as quick to delete it because of the painful irony of it all. Instead, I settle for a simple: “I am not doing that.” The stop in the end is vital to get the message across, trust me.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western"><b>Moguri, 11:46 am:</b> I mean</p>
  <p class="western"><b>Moguri, 11:46 am:</b> I understand</p>
  <p class="western"><b>Moguri, 11:46 am:</b> Dubu’s really hot</p>
</blockquote><p class="western">She will keep going on about that… Why is it so warm in here? I can barely breathe.</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western"><b>Moguri, 11:46 am:</b> And cute</p>
</blockquote><p class="western">I told her to stop, this isn’t funny at all. I’m not like that. I don’t look at women like that. I’m not doing that, why does she keep insisting?</p><p> </p><p> </p><p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western"><b>Moguri, 11:46 am: </b>a hot cutie</p>
  <p class="western"><b>Me, 11:46 am:</b> Date her then</p>
</blockquote><p class="western">My answer is dry and almost callous, and I’ve never talked to Momoring like that before, but in this very moment I don’t care. She’s crossed the line. This is not a topic to make teasing jokes about — this is a serious matter and, hell, I never learn. I should have never talked to her about this since she obviously can’t understand what it is for me to feel like this sometimes. To have her just pushing and pushing about me seeing baby Dahyunnie from all people in that light, how dare she? I’m not blowing this out of proportion, it is unacceptable. Still, part of me is relieved she never thought about this when talking about Chaeyoung. Ah, how twisted. That would have been a great topic to have a conversation about: Sana being a thirsty and incestuous lesb- I’m not... I need some fresh air, desperately.</p><p class="western">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p class="western">It is not until lunchtime, when I feel like I’ve bidden my time just enough, that I come home. To <em>that. </em>To <em>her, </em>whoever <em>she</em> is. Short, bleach blonde mane hiding pierced ears and white hoodie too baggy to cover the strange tattoo on her forearm. It only clicks because her dad is furiously reprimanding her, pointing aggressively at her arm while mom, blood long disappeared from her face, has stepped back to quietly sit at the kitchen table. Don’t ask me why but I have the hunch Chaeyoung’s the one who has messed up and yet I’m going to be equally dragged down. Damn spoiled little Simba.</p><p class="western">Closing the door as silently as I can manage, I try to sneak towards the stairs, steps muffled by my stepdad’s loud shouting. That’s actually very surprising, I never thought I’d see him like that — I would tell you what he’s saying but I swear he’s talking way too fast and there are some Korean words he’s spitting that I don’t even understand so just know that he’s telling her off about her taking life choices that are reckless and permanent. I don’t even know what the tattoo is but knowing Chaeyoung it’s most likely going to be something very, very random.</p><p class="western">“<em>Sana-chan</em>!” Mom has always had a sixth sense, dammit. Too much for being stealthy. “<em>Come here.</em>” Here it comes.</p><p class="western">“Sana-yah, look at your sister.” My stepdad folds his arms, the livid red hue of his face never fading.</p><p class="western">I’m not sure if they want me to sum up to the yelling party or if this is just a trap to ask me for explanations about her behavior since I’m her eonnie and I should have taken better care of her. Whatever the case is, the moment Chaeyoung turns around everything becomes crystal clear. She is so ridiculously adorable her cute countenance makes my heart skip a beat. Blonde Chaeyoungie is like one of those golden retriever puppies you keep seeing on TV playing with toilet paper — oh, God, I’d eat her alive. Not literally and not like that! You know what I mean, you perverts!</p><p class="western">“You look like a toddler.” Okay, maybe I’m trying to appease my parents but I’m not lying. I’m just saying a truth in a more ruthless tone than I really mean because the alternative is to let myself go and hug her head the way I really want right now. The only thing I do allow myself is to do is offering her a hand. “Come.”</p><p class="western">Far from expectation, she takes it instantly. I didn’t think she would come without any kind of reluctance but I’ve never been right before when it comes to Chaeyoung either. I give our parents a meaningful look before guiding her upstairs towards my bedroom. Yes, my bedroom — I haven’t dared to step into hers since that night and I still don’t think I can do it. Her hold on my hand dies down when we step inside but not even then I will let her go, not for a minute. Her gaze is soft, and I hope she’s feeling regretful. Running away what happened, not giving a fuck and much less an explanation, leaving me here to deal with everything and not bothering in answering the phone, not to me, not to the School Meal Club and not to our parents. I should be yelling at her right now. Yes, I should, but when I see the dimples deepening in her face and her fair skin lighting like she’s a tiny angel, I just end up softening before her. That’s why instead of letting her go, I pull from the girl and wrap her in a tight hug. She’s finally here.</p><p class="western">“I’m sorry,” Chaeyoung says as she pats my back.</p><p class="western">“You’re an idiot.”</p><p class="western">“That too.” She’s such a dork, oh my gosh. She’s way worse than Jeongyeon-eonnie. “Happy birthday, eonnie.” Like that, Chaeyoung steps back and searches in the pocket of her wide sweatpants. A tiny wooden squirrel.</p><p class="western">She puts it on my palm like a peace offering. For an unvarnished piece that she’s obviously carved herself without the proper tools, it is pretty soft. I didn’t even know she knew how to shape wood in the first place. Then, I close my fist around the tiny squirrel and punch her in the shoulder. It’s a barely strong punch but that’s already more pity than she deserves.</p><p class="western">“So instead of answering the phone you’ve been carving wood, you damn kid?!” Chaeyoung shrieks in pain and raises her hands in defeat, only lowering one of them to rub the damaged zone. “You better have a good explanation.”</p><p class="western">“I told you I needed to get a better perspectiv-”</p><p class="western">“That you do by meditating, not catching a train to Suwon!” She can cover her ears all she wants, I know perfectly the power of my pitch and it’s to no avail. Chaeyoung looks down, shining bright in her eyes a glint of shame that I can’t just ignore. Damn her, she’s so cute, my arms are aching to cuddle her. So I do. “You better have sorted your life out.” She hides her face on the crook of my neck, nodding while her arms surround my waist again. I hate how confused she makes me feel. “Are you ok?” Another nod. “Sure?”</p><p class="western">Her head rests comfortably on my shoulder for a second before she steps back and closes the door. I don’t think mom or my stepdad can hear us from downstairs but it is a prudent gesture anyway. Chaeyoung leans against the door and takes a deep breath — she doesn’t seem afflicted, it’s more like a heavy defeat she might have accepted. Maybe taking a holiday was a good idea after all.</p><p class="western">“I have realized… everything, all the pain, all the… you know…” My eyes dart down to the floor. Yeah, I know very well. “… all of it was over a crush. Almost idolization.” She sighs and runs a hand through her hair. “I had this perfect fantasy in my head, the movie I wanted to live in, and it wasn’t real.” Finally! Oh my God, I could kiss her. Nope! I meant in the cheek and not because… Never mind. She has come to her senses at last and I can’t be any happier. “I couldn’t manage my desperation properly because it didn’t make any sense since I do not love Mina-eonnie.” Uhm… that’s new. I didn’t expect that.</p><p class="western">“How come?” Chaeyoung tilts her head, she’s always been very expressive. “I mean, I have seen you… very head over heels for her.”</p><p class="western">“It was just an intense infatuation.” And now I’m starting to believe she’s in denial. “I can’t love Mina because I have barely talked to her, not really. The Mina I’ve been so smitten with is someone I’ve created in my imagination.” Wow, that actually makes a lot of sense. Has this kid always been so wise and reflective? “It is impossible to love someone you don’t even know.”</p><p class="western">“So what now?” I let myself slump on my bed. “You’re just going to be around while she goes out with this guy?” She doesn’t say a thing, but that in her eyes has been a wince. “She hasn’t told us a thing yet, just so you know.”</p><p class="western">“I need to learn how to be only a friend to her. Leaving her hanging all of the sudden wouldn’t be right either.” She shrugs and sits next to me. “She’s straight and that’s how it should be.” Good plan — Deadly plan because as mature as she can be she’s not made of stone, but still a nice one.</p><p class="western">“And what about us?” That’s it, I’ve said it. Now an imaginary gnome is kicking my stomach.</p><p class="western">Her eyes fall on mine, holding my stare with incredible force before leaning in. It startles me for a second and then her head rests again on my shoulder. I thought… nothing, I thought nothing at all. My hands feel a bit weird, unsure of what to do all of the sudden, so I just keep them on my lap, safe from engaging in this odd closeness between us.</p><p class="western">“I stand by what I said.”</p><p class="western">That painfully long night. None of us slept the least bit, we just talked for hours, until the first rays of dawn broke in the sky. Never in three years we had had a more honest conversation, and I don’t think any of us had confronted our problems like that either, like ever. I haven’t, for sure, and that day I realized why: it’s so exhausting at so many levels you can’t just keep functioning afterwards. That night Chaeyoung and I had to take the wheel of the problems between us and decide what to do because what happened twice could happen a third time and looking at the trajectory we’ve been following, neither of us was certain of what would happen if we were to be in that position again. Everything is so… confusing, at least for me — thankfully for the both of us, in Chaeyoung’s mind it has always been very clear that the situations between us have been pure misfortunes, a matter of being in the right (or wrong) place and time and nothing to do with any sort of feelings. I like to pretend hearing those words didn’t hurt at all.</p><p class="western">“That can’t and won’t happen again,” she adds in a murmur.</p><p class="western">“I can assure you it won’t on my part, can you?” I’m brusque because I have to be, because the first time it was a mix of alcohol and blindness but the second one she was the perpetrator and I was too weak. I’m sure I can control myself but only up to a certain point. That’s why I’m saying this, not because I’m bitter. Although I’m a bit bitter, to be honest, and since I am allowing myself to be resentful, I don’t care that she pulls away to glare at me.</p><p class="western">Her own outrage doesn’t last long, however. The frown on her face softens as soon as she takes a good look at my face and… I think she understands. That’s what I want to believe, anyway. Her fingers dawdle around mine while her chest puffs out, taking a loud and deep breath. By the time the air is released just as soundly, our hands are already entwined. As warm as the gesture can seem from the outside, she makes sure there’s still some palpable distance between us. It sounds bad, but it isn’t — that’s just what I need right now. Well, that and her words of reassurance as she whispers under her breath: “I’m back on the right track. Trust me.” This time I do.</p><p> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next chapter will be up on August 3rd</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0011"><h2>11. In which she’s neither Mina, Mitang nor Minari. Chaeyoung.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">Nobody understands why I got it and that's probably the most charming aspect of my tattoo. Carrots and tomatoes. They all ask why but the real question here is "why not?". They've seen nothing, I've already planned my next ink. Of course, my parents hate them and that was to be expected. However, Sanna-eonnie thinks they're pretty cool! I didn't miss the one on her ankle she's been trying to hide with low boots and socks since last year. Someday I’ll feel comfortable enough to ask her to show it to me.</p><p class="western">Who would have told me then that my relationship with her would take a gigantic leap for the better by almost committing incest? Twice. None of us foresaw that plot twist but I think I can talk for us both when I say that we’re glad it happened. Yeah, you know what? Yeah. Last year, not even in my worst nightmares Sana-eonnie would have driven me to the faculty in a cold winter morning but look at us now, jamming at Taylor Swift, music blasting on the stereo while we look for a parking spot. <span>So packed so early in the morning, wow. The moment I spot one, I point it</span> to my stepsister and we manage to take it before another car steals it from us again. People can be so rude sometimes.</p><p class="western">The engine stops and she <span>pulls from</span> the handbrake, the voice of Taylor Swift d<span>ies</span> down in the background. Sana takes her phone out and checks the time. She rises her eyebrows, it is still too early. All the rush of the morning for nothing — we thought there would be more traffic. I’m about to ask if we should just go in when Sana adjusts the heating system and plays some music again in a lower volume. Then she slouches on her seat and looks at me with a smile.</p><p class="western">“So here we are, remember I’ll be waiting in front of the library a bit before <span>six</span>,” she says and I mimic her. I don’t put my feet on the glove compartment out of respect (and a certain fear she <span>may get </span>mad at me again) but that would be super co<span>zy</span> right now. “You should have at least texted them yesterday, they’re going to kill you.” Who now? Sana-eonnie sees the confusion on my face and snorts. “Your School Meal Club,” <span>she </span>rolls her eyes at the name and adds with a tiny smile: “I kinda wanna see it.”</p><p class="western">“Oh.” Yeah, true. I guess I’ve always thought actions are worth a thousand words and I wanted to make a triumphal entrance. I am dramatic sometimes, I got it from my ex — <span>I’m just thankful I</span> only got that. Okay, no, that wasn’t a mean comment and I didn’t mean it like that! Never mind. “Since when do you care about my friends?”</p><p class="western">“Y’all make a <span>pretty</span> bunch of flowers, Chaeyoungie,” she giggles. To be honest, I’m still getting used to Sana-eonnie being, you know, consistently nice but I like it quite a lot. “You have pretty cute friends.”</p><p class="western">“Yeah, about that…” Every time I’ve tried to make Sana understand she should stop flirting like that with Dahyun she’s taken it very personally, I’m not really sure how to go over this topic but it’s important, I believe. She’s idiotizing my friends and, <span>fine</span>, that’s not that big of a deal <span>ye</span>t I don’t like that she makes them feel like she cares about them when she doesn’t. Actually, that last part annoys me quite a lot. “You need to stop being like that with them.” Sana frowns at me and folds her arms. Good one, Chaeyoung, delicacy is your thing. “Just tone the cuddles down a bit, ok? It’s hard to see them so happy at the way you treat them when you don’t mean it.”</p><p class="western">“Wait, wait.” Sana-eonnie shakes her head and raises a hand in the air. “I do like your friends, for what it’s worth, and I do believe they like me… Well, Tzuyu-yah maybe hates me a little bit but I’m pretty sure Dahyunnie and I are in good terms.”</p><p class="western">“Do you think Tzuyu hates you?” <span>The moment</span> she shrugs, a light bulb above my head turns on, metaphorically and not. So that’s why! For months Tzuyu has been getting mad at Dahyun (and me as a side-effect) because Sana-eonnie would always wink at <span>the Eagle</span>, cuddle Dahyun, kiss Dahyun, <span>all her attention went to her</span> every single time and it turns out the reason was… Oh, dear. “She admires you very much, she’s just too shy and intimidated to show it.”</p><p class="western">For a moment her expression is one of pure surprise, and then she processes my words. By the time I realize that I’ve unleashed a monster, it’s already too late. <span>My stepsister’s eyes open up wide, pupils blow up in excitment and shinny as a smile grows on her face. I can see her brain overworking and I don’t need to read minds to know exactly what she’s thinking. What have I done?</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Sana.” Her eyes dart to mine. “No.” The smile only becomes bigger and more mischievous. “Sana!” I hit her leg softly and she explodes in a silly giggle full of pretty bad intentions. “I mean it, tone it down!” She sticks out her tongue and keeps giggling. “Especially with Dahyun, your flirting is way too much.” </span></p><p class="western">“<span>Are you afraid I might confuse your friend?” She quirks a daring eyebrow, daring me to say anything. “Do you think I have that power, Chaeyoungie?” The way her smile disappears plays dangerous games with my mind, as if the real challenge was getting me to say I’m jealous in any way. I’m not, and I’m probably just overthinking it because despite having found a new sense of normalcy between us, the… uhm… </span><span><em>thing</em></span><span> is still very fresh and raw. This background white noise of inadequacy should start disappearing with time, I know.</span><span>“I’ll take it as a compliment.”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>You don’t even like her that way.” At this, her mouth draws a silly smirk and releases a new set of giggles.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Dahyun-ah is a very hot cutie pie,” she sings lazily. </span></p><p class="western">“<span>Eonnie!”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Speaking of the devil!” </span></p><p class="western">
  <span>A bike passes next to the car towards the other side of the parking lot. A blue haired girl chains it to the metallic bars and warms her gloved hands with her breath, shivering. Her formerly pale skin is now painfully red, especially the tip of her nose — I would recognize that profile anywhere. I’d like to say I was the one that taught her about adventurous hair colors but she won at that with her middle school pink and orange streaks, and this time she has outdone herself. That metallic blue is absolutely impressive. I can’t believe we both thought on changing our hair at the same time, sometimes it freaks me out how connected we are. </span>
</p><p class="western">“Dahyunnie!” Before I even got the chance to call for her myself, Sanna-eonnie has already opened her window and she has taken out half of her body without a coat to wave at my friend. She’s so extra, Jesus Christ. The girl turns at hearing her name and her eyes widen in surprise. “Come <span>in</span>, it’s freezing out there!”</p><p class="western">It’s not like I didn’t expect she’d agree but the way she instantly makes for the car feels almost too eager and I can only wonder if it’s because she’s freezing her butt or because Sana is the one who called for her. Truth be told, I have never been more grateful Dahyun’s straight and that’s something I’ll always steely deny to have said.</p><p class="western">Dahyun opens the door to the backseat and a gust of <span>chilling</span> air <span>enters along</span>. I hate winter so much. She must be freezing to the bone.</p><p class="western">“Bro, you’re not an eagle, you’re frozen chicken.” Her hand is shivering even inside the thick glove when I hold it and pull her closer to the <span>heating</span> system of the car. Then, she turns to me and we blurt at the same time: “Nice hair.”</p><p class="western">“Thanks… Blonde Chaeyoung hits different.”</p><p class="western">Sana turns completely on her seat and makes a ridiculous pout.</p><p class="western">“I was hoping for blood or something.”</p><p class="western">She’s so mean but I know she wants them to scold me as well because I deserve it, because she wants me to remember this. I know I made them all worried sick but I needed the disconnection, a side exit to reality. I was so overwhelmed.</p><p class="western">“My friends love me too much for that.”</p><p class="western">“Just waiting for Tzuyu,” Dahyun answers so nonchalantly it takes me aback. I haven’t seen her acting so confidently in front of Sana like… ever. She hasn’t even stuttered. “You’re so not off the hook.” Okay, now I’m scared.</p><p class="western">“But I just saved you from becoming a tofu ice cream!”</p><p class="western">“<span>Excuse you, I did that,</span>” Sana objects and her face gets closer to my friend’s. “By the way, what are you doing here during your <span>holidays</span>?”</p><p class="western">“Music demands practice,” she answers, voice trembling and breath warming her cold fingers.</p><p class="western">“Can’t your parents give you a lift? It’s not safe riding your bike during the winter.” If only she knew...</p><p class="western">“They leave earlier, it would be difficult.” Is the only thing my friend says and I don’t blame her for keeping it brief.</p><p class="western">“We’ll pick you up then,” Sana-eonnie suddenly says like it’s nothing, like she’s just decided it and so her will must become law. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a fantastic idea and very kind on her part but I believe I’ve just told her to stop drawing my friend in two minutes ago. “I promised to bring Chaeyoungie so she won’t destroy the house with her paint.”</p><p class="western">“Oh, thank you, eonnie, but I don’t know…” Dahyun looks at me like I have a say in it or maybe asking for my input in all this. At this point I’m surprised she hasn’t immediately accepted even if it’s only to be able to pick on me afterwards. She never lets her bravado show in front of Sana-eonnie, coward — she barks a lot but it’s all a façade. “Riding my bike allows me to exercise in the mornings…”</p><p class="western">“Don’t be silly, I’m giving Chae a ride already.” All of the sudden, Sana-eonnie gives me a look that I can only describe as piercing mischief and leans closer to my friend. “There are warmer ways of exercising anyway.” A wink tops the most shameless comment I’ve heard in my entire life.</p><p class="western">For years I’ve thought Sana’s plainly evil and although now we have started getting along, I still can’t believe her nerve. Dahyun takes a moment to process her words — her face is the <span>perfect</span> reflection of the wheels of her brain spinning and shifting sharply only to crash into the closest lamp post and explode in hot flames that soon start warming her cheeks and ears.</p><p class="western">“We’re going to be late, Dubu, let’s go.” I open my door and sneer at Sana-eonnie before doing the proper with the back of the car.</p><p class="western">When the <span>vehicle</span> is properly locked, Sana <span>joins us as we walk towards the buildings. The moment I turn around to dedicate her another scolding glare, she mouths at me something that I believe is means “there were no cuddles”. I… argh! She’s always been obnoxious and now she’s also testing the limits of my patience on purpoe. The only difference between the past and now is that we’re recently in such good spirits I cannot get mad at her, can I? </span>My friend is still not functioning properly when we separate so she can go to the Music building and I’m left with the evil giggles of my stepsister, echoes fading in the opposite direction towards the library. My family is a picture, in the worst of ways.</p><p class="western">
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</p><p class="western">Sometimes it feels the more time you get to think, the more intricate a problem becomes. It has not been easy to be away for these two weeks — yes, it was pretty nice being with my grandparents and cousins again, but I guess I wasn’t in a mindset that allowed me to fully enjoy Christmas with them. Yet, it got better. After long nights of reflection and mornings spent in a peace that only this side of my family can provide, I finally saw the light and understood why everything had taken such a twisted turn in my life. The answer to that was very simple, actually: I was just doing everything wrong. But why was that? Well, the thing is that I’m holding too hard onto the past in order not to feel so lonely, which only brings anger, sadness and an incredibly dysfunctional behavior. I’m so scared of being alone that I’m messing everything and everyone around me, and the first step to letting the past go is… forgiving. So don’t be so surprised if I tell you that I’m walking a bee line towards Im Nayeon at this very moment. <span>The art room won’t be free forever and I should be using this time to finish my painting on Tzuyu</span> but this is something I must do now before I start hesitating again and she’s right there, about to turn the corner towards the <span>Drama</span> building, long raven mane flawlessly falling from her ponytail, standing out against the light colors of her clothes. She’s just typing relentlessly on her phone while her boyfriend <span>makes a stop</span> to laugh with some friends in the hallway. I never thought I’d see him or his gang around during the holidays but it’s not like I’ve found them studying either. They seem to be socializing, which I’m very sure she’d rather do in a coffee shop or a bar, not when she needs to practice for whatever drama project she has. She’s going to be late and believe <span>it</span> or not, I can feel her anxiety from here. She isn’t someone that would strike you like a great student but Im Nayeon is the first of her year, Teacher Assistant in her Theater class, a student of impeccable reputation and she has never been late to rehearsals in her entire life.</p><p class="western">Suddenly, it happens. It is something I’m not a stranger to but luckily I haven’t seen it very often: her leg fails and she has to grab her boyfriend’s arm not to fall <span>down</span>. I wince, not because she’s been close to hurting herself but because I know how much it frustrates her when that happens. You see, this is something she understandably doesn’t like to talk about but Nayeon was involved in a car accident when she was a kid and while it doesn’t happen a lot, sometimes her leg just decides not to work. In fact, it was the fear of that happening more often what prevented her from also pursuing her love for dance. Come to think of it, it’s pretty sad she felt so limited. She didn’t <span>drift</span> too far away, however — Musical Theater <span>can </span>still be very physically demanding.</p><p class="western">“Clumsy, Nayeon-ah,” one of the guys says, laughing his ass off. “You don’t even need to move to fall.” I would mind his words more if what Minho says <span>right after </span>hadn’t outraged me so much:</p><p class="western">“Her leg <span>gets</span> lazy sometimes.”</p><p class="western">Lazy? Does he think that’s what this really is, that her leg gets lazy? And Nayeon just stays there, <span>coyly looking away</span> without saying a word, only moving to hide the abashed blush creeping from her chest. If he’s her boyfriend, he should know, right? <span>Well,</span> I don’t really want to assume since Nayeon is very private with the topic but… still, that’s not okay.</p><p class="western">“Hey, that was rude,” I comment as I pass by, stopping when I catch up with the girl. “You’re the ones <span>wasting time here, oppa. Shouldn’t you be going to the library or something</span>?” Yeah, they’re my elders and I’m coming off very <span>bad-mannered</span> myself but I can’t help it. On top of all, if I <span>didn’t have</span> enough with the group of guys looking at me like I’m an alien come from space, Nayeon is giving me a pretty similar look as well. “Eonnie, would you text me when you’re finished today? I wanna talk.”</p><p class="western">“Uh…” Her gaze darts for a second at her boyfriend and crew before a full frown consolidates on her face and she responds: “Sure.”</p><p class="western">Well, that was one successful approach. Probably I should write down a list with all the things I need to do for my own personal growth. I can already feel it’s going to start getting overwhelming.</p><p class="western">
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</p><p class="western"><em>Overwhelming</em> was an understatement. Disheartening, harrowing, gut-wrenching… those are more accurate words to depict the feeling that fills my body and embeds my thoughts when Mina sits next to me at the cafeteria. Maybe it is a bit upper in the range of emotions than I had foreseen <span>I could handle</span> at this point but I’m okay, I’m okay. <span>No, to be honest</span> I’m not but I will be and that’s not wishful thinking, that’s a fact. I need to remember that. She smiles widely at me, gums out for display, and compliments me on my new hairstyle. She even feels comfortable enough to reach and touch it to fully appreciate the length of it since I’m wearing my natural waves. As never in your life you’ll go to bed without learning something new, today I’ve reached a bittersweet realization: reality is what it is. Am I physically attracted to <span>Mina</span>? Sure, I’m too gay not to. Any human being would fall merciless at her feet with a simple look, she’s that bewitching. Do I have rather vivid fantasies about her? From time to time. <span>Should</span> I act on them? <span>Not at all because she’s painfully straight and she’s also in the process of building an official relationship with a guy</span>. Does this mean that my days will stop feeling brighter when I’m around her? Not immediately, no, but I do need to make reality sink so I can move on and find someone that actually will reciprocate my feelings. As much as this infatuation might feel new and exciting, dwelling into a feeling that will never be returned is not healthy for me or for this friendship that I really don’t want to lose. I have a lot to give but I also deserve to be loved, I want to feel loved — that’s all I’ve been seeking for years, haven’t I? Even when I was dating Nayeon. Most of what I remember now is me trying to <span>build</span> this connection with her, to get her to love me, but what is really sad about our past relationship is that the only reason why I stayed and kept trying was because of those tiny moments where I almost felt like she genuinely did love me, even if everything was just a fantasy in the end. I don’t want that insane and unhealthy pattern to repeat with Mina-eonnie.</p><p class="western">And so, from this moment <span>on</span>, she will never be Minari or Mitang for me again. From now on, she is Mina-eonnie, honorifics and all.</p><p class="western">“You lost your mom when you were still a kid, didn’t you?” she asks out of the blue when we move on to the dessert <span>and I’ve finished</span> blabbering about my <span>random</span> spiritual retirement. I was thankful Tzuyu and Dahyun have understood the situation no words needed and they have decided to have lunch somewhere else but now I don’t know if that’s been <span>the best</span> thing. “Do you remember her?”</p><p class="western">“Not as much as I’d like,” I respond, truthfully. If we’re going to build a friendship, there are things I’ll have to disclose. I just can hope she does too. “The most vivid memory I keep of her is her funeral.”</p><p class="western">She gives me that weird look, the mix of pity and <span>frothy recognition — I hate it. More so when she lies her hand on top of mine and caresses my palm with her thumb.</span></p><p class="western">“She would have been very proud of you, Chaeyoungie.”</p><p class="western">The sincerity in her gaze makes my heart pound <span>inside</span> my chest. This is not how things are supposed to go. I didn’t mean this when I planned to have some hardcore exposition to reality, honestly. Uneasiness runs through my body as I move uncomfortably on my seat, clearing my throat as I lean back and break the painful contact between us.</p><p class="western">“How was your Christmas?”</p><p class="western">Mina-eonnie doesn’t seem <span>put off</span>, she has always had great understanding about these sensitive issues. She leans on the table and smiles widely as she starts telling me all about how she Skyped with her family. This year, they visited her brother Kai, who is a professional football player in the USA. It’s kind of funny how <span>giddy</span> she becomes when she talks about him and how she caught up with him — she barely gets the opportunity to talk to <span>her brother </span>anymore since he’s so far away and so busy. It seems like he bought a mysterious present for her that her parents will take <span>with them to Japan</span> and she will only get when she comes back home for her summer holidays. It might be a long wait but Kai has promised her the <span>it</span> will be worth it. She wonders if it’s <span>extra</span> good because it’s supposed to be a Christmas plus an early birthday gift. It probably is.</p><p class="western">When the topic dies down, I cannot prolong the agony anymore. <span>A reality dose, that’s what I need right now</span>. I’m not going to like it, it’s likely to be heartbreaking, but it is the right thing to do.</p><p class="western">“So, is he here?”I pretend to look around. Pretend, that’s the key word — I’m not really looking for anybody. Deep down I don’t even want to know who he is but I need to put a face and a name to that dark shape so my mind can understand that person is meant to be with Mina, not me.</p><p class="western">“What?” She seems stressed. No, embarrassed. Her cheeks turn a soft shade of pink and she hides her face behind her hands. Her pretty hands. “No! No.” It hurts to know the only way I’ll ever make her all flustered will be something like this, over a boy.</p><p class="western">“But he’s an Art student,” I rationalize, trying to connect the dots as if I knew enough people in campus to be able to find out who the lucky one is. I don’t even know if I should keep pushing this, maybe she doesn’t want me to know. Maybe I’m making her regret telling me at all. Although at the same time I want her to know that I’m invested, that I’m here for her is she wants or needs to talk, that as her friend I have two high functioning ears. As her friend, yeah.</p><p class="western">“We share some classes on computer design and animation.” Getting her to disclose such a thing is more than I expected and maybe enough for a day. I think it’s pretty good, actually. My life cannot be so easy, right? It has to be today the first time she seems willing to talk. More than usual, anyway, and that’s telling. Should I take this opportunity, though? Maybe if I push just a little more...</p><p class="western">“Does he have a name?”</p><p class="western">Mina looks down to the table and immediately her eyes dart back to mine. Code red, code red! For a moment it feels so intense, like she’s warning me not to keep going that way. This had never happened before, or maybe I was so busy looking for signs of affection that I had completely overlooked the most raw side of Mina-eonnie. It’s interesting — a bit scary, but <span>gripping</span>.</p><p class="western">“It’s not official yet,” she says in a lower tone. Lower, not soft. I cannot recall a single moment when Mina-eonnie hasn’t been the softest and cutest.</p><p class="western">You see, I know for certain that I know almost nothing about her and I want to get to really see her for who she is, not the sick fantasy I’ve built in my head. Maybe seeing this side of her is also part of the package.</p><p class="western">“Ok…” I only need a bit more, only a few more words to be satisfied. Or devastated but I don’t think there’s a clear separation for those two anymore, not between us. “So you have gone on a date already?” Mina-eonnie nods. Well, that’s shitty. I mean good, that’s good. It’s great for her to have dates and have fun, love and happiness and I wouldn’t wish her anything less than that. “How was it?” Why do I keep <span>obsessing over</span> this?</p><p class="western">“Really good, he’s such a gentleman.” I’ve really had enough.</p><p class="western">And <span>yet </span>I encourage her to keep talking. Whereas she’s rather vague with the details, there’s an underlying sense of excitement that highlights the tale of her meeting with this guy as a whole and, I’m not going to lie to you, it feels like she’s grabbing my heart with both hands and squeezing it <span>using</span> all her strength. If I was talking about a crush like mine with Dahyun or Tzuyu, I’d <span>recommend</span> them to take some time apart from the dude in question so they could digest the whole situation without this unnecessary pain. Maybe some day I should start listening to my own advice but for the time being I just force myself to sit down and be present. To feel it, the quelling and sinking sensation in my gut. At least they haven’t even kissed yet, or Mina-eonnie hasn’t told me — although I don’t know if that would make any difference in my mind right now, everything is still too fresh. At the end of the day, if I want to be her friend this is all I can do: the customary smile mirroring every time her own lips curl, a few forced movements of my eyebrows to give the impression I’m teasing her about her sweet, sweet crush, and even some giggles that I really <span>hope have </span>sounded natural. When it ends, I just feel exhausted. How casually cruel <span>I</span> can be to myself in the name of doing what I think is right.</p><p class="western">She waves me goodbye when we reach the fountain. Even though I should get going to the Art room to resume my work, I stay there for a few more minutes, <span>focused on</span> the stream for the sake of not following her with my eyes as she runs towards her club practice. I wonder if it’s just a coincidence in schedules or if <span>she’s already been accepted into the club to the point they take her availability in true consideration. </span>Not like that matters, it’s none of my business. A friend does not particularly think about another friend’s personal schedule unless they’re trying to arrange a meeting.</p><p class="western">The next couple of hours pass in a blur, some students talk outside the room and <span>I </span>listen <span>without</span> <span>progressing</span> much more, and my only thought is how much I regret not having taken a specific type of <span>paint brush</span> with me because I can’t finish the hair without it but I’ve already mixed the paint, and I’m still way more behind than should be <span>acceptable</span> on this painting and many other subjects. By the moment I receive her text, I’ve almost forgotten I was waiting for it. It feels like a burden, really, because my day has been long enough already to voluntarily go and deal with Nayeon-eonnie, and I’m not sure at this point I can gather the necessary patience to face her but I can’t just keep procrastinating. I know myself, if I keep pushing this and rescheduling, I’m never going to have this very much needed conversation to maybe open the gates to the possibility of moving on. I just want some peace of mind.</p><p class="western">We meet in front of the library — it only takes a couple of minutes of wait before she arrives, thankfully. Whereas there have been times Nayeon-eonnie has had to wait a bit for me, there have also been <span>day</span>s when she’s left me up to twenty minutes in the cold weather, so I didn’t know what to expect. She looks at me, curiously, tracing every single feature of my face. If she doesn’t realize <span>the thing that is</span> off with me is that I’m blonde now, I don’t care I’m trying to better myself, I’m going to be really pissed at her.</p><p class="western">“I’m glad you came,” I say, leaving the wall I was leaning on and standing properly.</p><p class="western">“And I’m not even going to make an easy joke about it.” What kind of…? Oh. Eonnie!</p><p class="western">“Coffee shop?” The best thing I can do is ignoring her <span>quirky</span> sense of humor. Really, who’s the youngest one here?</p><p class="western">“Lead the way.”</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next chapter on August 17th</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0012"><h2>12. In which we all need a bit of understanding. Chaeyoung.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">Some will argue there’s no point in celebrating a late birthday party but since Jihyo-eonnie’s special day fell right in the middle of her family trip to Thailand we thought at least a tiny camping near the river during the weekend would be nice, even though it is February and we might die if we stay out overnight. At the end of the day, a good parishioner must properly homage their God in her day no matter the circumstance, even if it results in losing a finger or two to <span>frostbite</span>. Don’t worry, we’re not going to sleep out there; the idea is to stay awake all night but if we start feeling drowsy or <span>someone’s</span> freezing, we’ll go back thanks to our magnificent designated drivers for the night: Momo and Sehun. And who the hell is Sehun, you’ll ask? Well, he is Mina’s official boyfriend, apparently. Don’t… just don’t say a word, please. Let’s address the elephant in the room (aka. my feelings) so we can move on. Do I prefer to ride with Momo and risk death before spending a single minute of the car drive with those two? Any day, <span>though </span>that’s normal given the situation and it’s not like I need to go through it, so I won’t. To be fair, the guy was pretty nice offering when it is his first time meeting the group, especially when most of us are likely to get wasted. We all know he has only come because Valentine’s Day is close and Minho is also here so he won’t feel so out of place but still the guy is very sweet and I have no reason to be anything but happy for Mina-eonnie.</p><p class="western">That being said, do I want to jump to the frozen river and die? I don’t know, to be honest, my feelings right now are very confusing but I can tell you the answer isn’t a radical <em>no. </em></p><p class="western">The cherry on top of this picturesque scenario is that I have to deal with the still pitiful and overly preoccupied stares of my two best friends and my sister, whose incessant and unwanted efforts to comfort me, <span>far from soothing the wrenching feeling in my throat, are only making me feel more guilty about it all. I do appreciate that she cares, I do, it’s just that I feel like I’m paying her warm ways of reassurance with blatant lies to her face every single time saying that I’m fine when I’m not really fine and- Gosh! That has sounded exactly like that Katy Perry’s meme and I should stop watching YouTube.</span></p><p class="western">We set the camp in a pretty fine space. <span>As it should be expected,</span> nobody else comes here in the middle of February but us — because they’re normal and we seemingly want to develop pneumonia. Anyway, the thing is that it allows us to get the best spot in the zone. We don’t even have to bother and find some place to take a seat, there are already some logs and stumps conveniently placed forming a circle. The only missing thing is a fire and Jihyo-eonnie is a master in setting those. Oh! Because she goes camping all the time with her family, not because she’s a pyromaniac or anything like that.</p><p class="western">“We haven’t talked much lately.” Once the fire has been lit and the flames conveniently <span>stirred up into a source of comfortable heat</span>, while the food and drinks are being distributed, Jeongyeon-eonnie sits next to Tzuyu and puts a hand on her lap. “How have you been?”</p><p class="western">“Not bad.” The younger girl looks up at me when I hand her a drink and shrugs a little. “I’ve been having these really bad headaches…”</p><p class="western">“Migraines?” Of course Mina-eonnie and her… Sehun would <span>take a seat</span> right in front of us, which shouldn’t be something to be mad about because we are friends and just that and I have to let her go. Also, they have every right to sit wherever they please. At least there’s a fire in my way, if I feel like it’s too much I can always immolate myself.</p><p class="western">“Alcohol coming!!” Nayeon-eonnie yells as excessively loud as she tends to be before sitting next to Jeongyeon and displaying a set of wine bottles in front of her.</p><p class="western">“There it is again…” Tzuyu murmurs and rests her head on my shoulder. Savage.</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu-yah, you look tired.” I really think Nayeon-eonnie’s worry is genuine and not a back-handed comment but that doesn’t affect my friend’s answer at all.</p><p class="western">“Who are you to say that?” That robotic voice has stabbed my soul. Chewy! I softly hit her forearm but still nuzzle her head. I know she doesn’t like Nayeon after <span>all the drama between us and that she’s just fulfilling her promise of being extra mean so I would stop being </span><span>all resentful</span> but Nayeon and I are actively trying to work on this. If I can forgive her, so can <span>Tzuyu</span>, right?</p><p class="western">“You didn’t sleep that much last night, did you?” Dahyun asks, sitting next to Momo only to be trapped in a dangerous sandwich by Sana-eonnie. This night is going to be long.</p><p class="western">“Is that so?”</p><p class="western">Part of me still wants to be cautious in everything regarding Nayeon but allow me for this time only to say that I think this <span>unquestionable</span> worry is very nice and thoughtful of her as the eldest of the group. With the apocalypse that was my life last year, I tend to forget she’s also capable of such incredible warmth and responsibility.</p><p class="western">“Yeah, I had a horrible nightmare.” Oh, I expected some comeback or jab or... “Nayeon-eonnie was there.” There it is.</p><p class="western">“What happened?” And Nayeon falls for it miserably. She has never been able to ignore a conversation that involves her.</p><p class="western">“<span>What do you mean?</span>” Tzuyu asks the most neutral way I’ve ever heard her, staring blankly at her. <span>She’s just so mean, oh my goodness.</span></p><p class="western">I know what you’re going to tell me, that I swore I’d never drink again after that crushing last hangover and I keep breaking my promise, but if I have to spend all night watching Mina-eonnie holding hands with that guy and Nayeon-eonnie sitting on Minho’s lap, I need something to block my thoughts and that happens to be a glass of wine tonight. Or two. Or three, I don’t know. By the time I’ve already lost count, Minho is not even here anymore and while Nayeon is getting cozy next to Jeongyeon, Mina-eonnie is still providing some entertainment to her invite. <span>Maybe</span> it sounds bitter when I talk about the guy but I’m not, not really — once again it’s not like I can put any kind of blame on <span>him, or anyone at all this time</span>.</p><p class="western">Hey, am I stone drunk or Jihyo-eonnie is getting very touchy-feely with Sana? Her face is buried in my stepsister’s neck as she giggles and her hand is placed inappropriately high on her thigh, to the point Sana-eonnie has to grab her hand and lock it between hers, entwining their fingers. Such a smooth way of stopping someone, I’m impressed — even more because I never thought I’d see her <span>reject</span>ing a pretty girl’s advances, much less God’s.</p><p class="western">“Jihyo, don’t you think you’ve had enough wine?” Jeongyeon-eonnie takes away her <span>plastic</span> glass and pulls from her friend <span>so she’ll</span> stop bothering Sana. The moment she sees her chance, Sana immediately runs away and returns to her spot next to a tipsy Dahyun.</p><p class="western">“I’m just <span>doing it for the children</span>,” Jihyo-eonnie defends herself with a pout although she doesn’t sound very convincing. Nayeon releases a loud guffaw and rolls on Jeongyeon’s lap, resting her legs on Tzuyu’s. My friend is going to put them away rather rudely when I stretch my arm to stop her. She’s our eonnie, after all.</p><p class="western">“How is you downing this bottle helping them, again?” As much as Jeongyeon tries to put the remaining bottles somewhere out of her reach it is to no avail since Jihyo is still sober enough to stand, totter her way and retrieve them successfully. Normally, she’s pretty good at holding her alcohol, how <span>much did she have?</span></p><p class="western">“<span>The more I drink, the less there’s left for them</span>.” I had never seen her so <span>intoxicated</span>, Jesus Christ, I can barely understand her. “Easy, Jeongyeon.”</p><p class="western">“Easy, Jeongyeon,” Nayeon-eonnie mocks her before sitting down properly and reaching to yank the bottle away from her friend’s hands. Then, she turns to our side ignoring Jihyo’s death glare and shakes it. “Sana, want some?” The girl shakes her head. “Momoring?”</p><p class="western">“But Momo is driving.” This is the first time in a while I’ve heard Mina-eonnie talk. I swear she’s been with that guy in their own little world the whole night. Disgusting. No, I mean… Ah, dammit. I’m drunk and I’m sorry but I find it <span>distasteful</span>, and if any of you have a problem with that, well, too bad. Honestly, I can’t believe her. She had to go find a handsome and demure guy, just like her, her fucking soulmate. How cute and ideal, I could vomit.</p><p class="western">“Sana will.” Momo stretches her arm to grab the bottle and takes a long gulp. After that, she licks her lips and draws a silly smile on her face. “She hasn't <span>had </span>a drop of alcohol since she got shitfaced at BamBam's party." Oops, there it is… Let’s not mention that tonight, pretty please.</p><p class="western">"Everyone keeps talking about that party, I wish I <span>had gone too</span>." Trust me, Mina, if there is someone here that regrets that you missed it, that person is me. Well, and Sana-eonnie.</p><p class="western">“Nobody talks about that party because nothing happened at that party." Sketchy Dahyun-ah! Tzuyu and I look at each other and nod — she’s going through the <span>third</span> degree the moment we’re alone, preferably tonight since we’re all… in good spirits. I say that a lot lately, don’t I?</p><p class="western">“Did you get drunk too, Dahyunnie?” Sana-eonnie giggles way too close to her face, like always. I’m beginning to be thankful for her abstinence of alcohol, we all know Sana becomes a very messy and very inappropriate when drunk.</p><p class="western">“Not enough, she managed to take you home." I couldn’t help myself, I am SO not sorry.</p><p class="western">“Me?” Sana looks confused. God, she was a mess that night. Oh, memories, do not dare coming to me right now, I’m in no shape to process those in the way I should. I’m a horny fuck when I’m sober, what did you expect when I’m not? “I thought I left with… I guess the last thing I remember was you carrying me around so I assumed you did." To be honest, I’m surprised she remembers anything at all.</p><p class="western">“No, she didn't." Goddammit, Nayeon, don’t do this to me.</p><p class="western">"And how would you know that?" What did I <span>come up with</span> to justify the state Tzuyu found me in? I don’t think I’ve told you before but the last think I remember is me asking her if she knew where my pants were. It turns out they were <span>around my wrist</span>, priceless. Shit, I can’t remember, I’m a terrible liar.</p><p class="western">"I pissed her off a bit, she could barely stand.” Nayeon, on the other hand, is good to the point it becomes scary. She turns to me with a mischievous look and tilts her head. “Didn't I, Chaeyoung-ssi?" She has obviously not entirely renounced to mess with my head.</p><p class="western"><span>Nayeon-eonnie</span><span>’s so good at grinding my gears</span>. I bet she wouldn’t be so cocky if her boyfriend was here. Where is that fucker anyway? Bleh, I don’t care, he’s thankfully a pretty dull extra in out lives and I’m starting to feel a bit dizzy. I should probably lie down for a bit.</p><p class="western">My plan is carefully calculated, it is my coordination who is at fault so you can’t exactly blame me for hitting Tzuyu’s drink and spilling it all over us. Or at least Yoda shouldn’t, I’m giving her my best puppy look.</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu, sweetie, here.” Nayeon-eonnie hands her some <span>napkins. Whereas blatantly reluctant, my friend takes them.</span></p><p class="western">“Don’t call me <em>sweetie</em>. In fact, don’t call me, period.” Tzuyu-yah only gets worse with alcohol running through her system. This time, however, the general attention gets drawn elsewhere.</p><p class="western">“Chaeyoung-ah, is that another tattoo behind your ear?” Jeongyeon-eonnie doesn’t hesitate before steadying my head with two hands to see properly.</p><p class="western">“Maybe…”</p><p class="western">“Sana-yah, she’s your sister, tell her something!” Jihyo-eonnie cannot le<span>t</span> me off the hook even when she’s <span>wasted</span>.</p><p class="western">“It looks nice though!” Perhaps she’s just pitying me but it feels very nice to be backed by your sister for a change.</p><p class="western">“Can we see?” Maybe I’m even more loaded than I thought because I’ve totally missed the moment when Mina-eonnie has left her spot beside her boo and has <span>crouched</span> next to us. She awaits until I move, rolling to the side on Tzuyu’s lap and bring my hand to the gauze. Carefully, I uncover the ink to let them all take a look — everyone might be curious but the only one I am able to see is her. Mina. She flashes her gummy smile before kneeling and leaning on us. Her head hovers over me, neck so close I can <span>smell her perfume so perfectly </span><span>it clouds my mind over the drunk haziness</span><span>.</span> There might be more alcohol than blood running through my veins right now yet I still manage not to succumb to my instincts, wants and needs and stop myself from kissing the flush patch of skin between her collarbone and the edge of her shirt that she presents me so keenly.</p><p class="western">She will never stop being mesmerizing, will she?</p><p class="western">Just like that, the scent of freesia and cinnamon disappears, dispersing the <span>fog</span> that clouds my mind, and reality showers me like a bucket full of freezing cold water. My gut sinks and I feel paralyzed, only hoping it’s the guilt and the self-embarrassment and not the alcohol doing weird things to my body. Everybody else just keeps up partying like it’s New Year’s Eve, bickering about anything and everything while I just lie there, <span>unmoving. At some point, Jihyo’s finally decided she’s had more than enough alcohol and drags her wasted self to rest at Nayeon’s feet while Jeongyeon and the lovey dovey couple start cleaning around a bit. The fire crackles and whistles, dancing with alluring magic and nobody seems to pay proper attention, too focused on how Momo challenges Dahyun to speak Japanese. She doesn’t know Japanese! Since when </span><span>does</span><span> she know Japanese?! Oh! It’s Sana-eonnie the one whispering the right words to her ear — Dahyun is sitting between her legs and she’s snaking her arms around her waist. I don’t like the way she touches my friend’s sides or how her lips keep brushing on her ear. I told her not to do that but she never listens. It’s like tonight everyone has a mission and that’s ruffling my feathers.</span></p><p class="western">Remind me not to ever drink again, please. Every time I close my eyes and open them again I feel like I’m missing half an hour of a conversation.</p><p class="western">“Sana-chan,” an unknown voice asks. No, no, I’ve heard it somewhere. Oh, yeah, it’s Sehun addressing my sister. Why is he addressing my sister like that? “Is it true that <span>Yuta</span> asked you out?” <span>At this, I do make the effort to sit properly, startling Tzuyu in the process. I hadn’t realize she was caressing my face, I can’t even feel it anymore.</span> “Are you dating now?” What kind of question is that? And I thought I was nosey.</p><p class="western">
  <span>I’m not sure when or how did Dahyun come sit next to me but she’s suddenly there when my eyes open. She rests her head on my shoulder when I sit down, so I do the proper thing and hug her with an arm.</span>
</p><p class="western">“Told him I was sorry but I wasn’t interested.”</p><p class="western">“When was that?” Momo wants to know.</p><p class="western">“<span>Not your type</span>? He’s so cute.” That guy is certainly Nayeon’s type: tall and burly — also Japanese, there’s no much more I remember about him. How do I even know him? I can’t remember.</p><p class="western">“He also asked Chaeyoung like two months ago, it’d have been weird,” Sana-eonnie answers with a shrug. Ah, that’s right.</p><p class="western">“Is that so?” Mina-eonnie asks out of the blue. I just look at her, not giving any particular answer to that. Not to be conceited or vain here, I leave that to Nayeon, but if I had to tell them about every single guy who randomly asks me out, I’d get a sore throat. No girls at all, however — life is sad and lonely.</p><p class="western">“And you didn’t tell me!” Ouch! Jeongyeon has painfully hit my thigh.</p><p class="western">“I rejected him right away,” I manage to say without slurring. Hey, I’m not that wasted. “I don’t like him.”</p><p class="western">But then Jeongyeon-eonnie decides to up her game.</p><p class="western">“Didn’t you also get asked by Seokjin-oppa, Sana-yah?” she says, causing Momo to start laughing her ass off, I don’t know what’s so funny.</p><p class="western">“I… how do you know that?” She has thrown her off and I can’t understand why. She didn’t say yes to that guy either... No, I’d know.</p><p class="western">“Yeah, how do you know that?” Nayeon interjects with a frown, arms folded in front of her chest and posture suddenly severe. Her pitch stabs my ears and crushes my head — Jeong just shrugs it off.</p><p class="western">“I’ve got my sources.” By <em>sources</em> she means Jimin. It’s just an assumption but it doesn’t make it any less real. Maybe… Okay, Jeongyeon-eonnie has all right to do whatever she pleases, that’s undeniable, but the truth is that I feel deeply disappointed in her right now and I know I’m not the only one. I would also very much worry about Dahyun because of their history together if it wasn’t because the girl seems not to be paying attention at all. Whatever is <span>occupying her mind at the moment</span>, it is for the best.</p><p class="western">“Yeah, I’m pretty sure you have.” I’ve seen this enough times to know when Nayeon-eonnie is getting really mad.</p><p class="western">“Wait, are you dating?” Jihyo-eonnie manages to slur. I’m not even sure who she’s asking to.</p><p class="western">“Of course not.” Okay, it was a question for Sana.</p><p class="western">“Thankfully someone who isn’t a fool.” <span>The eldest</span> says behind gritted teeth.</p><p class="western">“Come on, Nayeonnie.” Jeongyeon wraps her arms around Nayeon and pulls, cuddling her to her side, s<span>tarting</span> a smooth rocking motion to ease her friend’s anger. For better or worse, she succeeds.</p><p class="western">With<span>out</span> setting a precedent, this time I’m with Nayeon. Watching Jeongyeon going back again and again to that cheating <span>scum</span> is truly exhausting, and they don’t even know he’s a cheater! Imagine the kind of guy he is — the charming type, enough to also have my best friend around his finger whenever he feels like it, but so damn selfish. Really, at this point I’m pretty convinced it’s not that he cannot see further from his belly button but he does see and he just doesn’t care. He manipulates them so <span>shamelessly</span> it gets very painful to watch.</p><p class="western">“He was like,” Momo-eonnie clears her voice and puffs her chest. Then, she turns to Sana with an odd, arrogant expression. Quite the exaggeration, in my opinion. “Sana-yah, I think we should hook up,” she mimics his voice in such accurate manner we all struggle not to laugh. “And she… and she…” Momo-eonnie cannot even breathe. Sana playfully hits her shoulder and hides her face between her hands. “She told him, literally: I think we should not.” At this, we all lose it. Serious Sana can be really bold.</p><p class="western">This is a topic I feel like I shouldn’t dwell much into. Maybe it is out of respect for Sana-eonnie’s decision not to go around it, or perhaps because it doesn’t really matter — the thing is that it is at least <span>peculiar</span>, isn’t it? We laugh now but if we were to be honest, Jin-oppa is a good guy despite his not so charming friends. He’s pretty nice, very outgoing and a bit of the classic clown but he’s serious about his studies. If we were to compare him with someone in campus that would probably be Nayeon. All in all, he’s a guy many people would appreciate so I do find it a bit curious that she rejected him. She said she liked girls… sometimes, whatever that might mean, so I took from that she likes men too. Come to think of it, I have never seen Sana-eonnie anywhere near a guy — not that I’ve seen her with girls except for… well, <em>that. </em>Ew, ew, ew!</p><p class="western">Talking about Nayeon-eonnie! Alcohol makes us all cuddlish but the way she’s nuzzling Jeongyeon’s neck is getting a bit too inappropriate. No, that’s not the right word. Intimate! Yes, intimate, especially with the way their hands are entangled. The girl doesn’t seem to notice anything odd, however. There has always been this sort of energy around them, I think I told you about it. They’re the perfect fit, two pieces of a single puzzle. Two people finding each other like that almost feels foregone — it’s so cool how a platonic relationship can grow like this. Imagine the disaster if one of them was to fall for the other.</p><p class="western">“Mhm…” I take the last sip from my wine and lean my head on Tzuyu’s shoulder. The two older girls suddenly look at me, holding my glance. “Are you sure you two have never…?” For some reason, my hazed brain deems right to ask something like that out of the blue and with no context whatsoever. What is worse: Nayeon releases Jeong’s hand immediately with an expression of sheer panic. Oh… Oh holy baby Jesus!</p><p class="western">Jeongyeon’s loud laugh is no far behind.</p><p class="western">“Ew, we’re girls!” she laughs and throws her empty plastic glass at my feet. Fuck, Jeongyeon.</p><p class="western">The air grows thick. From here, I can see perfectly Nayeon’s wince of pain and the way <span>she</span> tries to swallow the knot in her throat, but that’s not all. Sana’s giggles have suddenly faded out. It feels like a void but I don’t think anyone else notices. Everyone <span>j</span>ust keeps the conversation going or resumes dozing off in their spot but for the three of us it feels so heavy. How stupid.</p><p class="western">“I’m gonna puke.” Nayeon-eonnie jumps to her feet and stumbles out of the circle, turning to pass by me and murmuring: “I just can’t believe you.” Shit. I’m a fucking moron, am I not?</p><p class="western"><span>With Tzuyu’s help, I manage to get up to my feet and not trip with the log as I chase after her. The last thing I hear before getting too close to the border of the lake is Jeongyeon laughing and shouting: </span>“<span>First one</span>!”</p><p class="western">There’s something really funny about your perception when you’re tipsy. I don’t know, maybe it’s the way the scene before your eyes sways from one side to the other, or how gigantic tiny stones on the ground seem all of the sudden — no, what feels the best is water, even if it’s drenching your shoes and soaking your socks in a freezing night. Maybe I’m a bit more drunk than I thought, I don’t even feel the cold breeze biting my skin and I guess Nayeon-eonnie doesn’t either because she’s taken a seat <span>among</span> the trees and bushes, right on the edge of the water, maybe a bit too far away from the group to find our way back easily in our state of mind. I won’t pressure her to go back quickly, however. Hell, I don’t think I’ve ever understood her more than now.</p><p class="western">"How long have you been in love with her?" I ask softly as I sit beside her.</p><p class="western">"My whole life.” Blunt. Nayeon doesn’t even hesitate to answer anymore, it feels refreshing coming from her. Also sad, but mainly refreshing. “But it can't happen, I can’t even…” A tiny sob dies inside her throat and my heart sinks as the moonshine illuminate her cold tears. “You've seen it, she'd be disgusted.” Out of habit, I put a hand over her shoulder and pull from her. It is the inertia what makes her hide her face on my neck as she leans on me, perhaps. “Fuck, she'd think I'm disgusting." And like that she starts crying quietly, hands <span>inside the big pockets of her coat and body heavy and hot against mine.</span></p><p class="western">"I don't think she would, really.” I try to ease the pain in her heart although in this moment I don’t think there’s anything I can say to make her feel any better. “<span>But y</span>ou can't be faking being with her like that forever, eonnie, that's not healthy."</p><p class="western">There’s a moment of silence only broken by what sounds like a frog and all I can think of is how lucky I am Nayeon-eonnie is so drunk and affected by the situation because she hates wet and sticky things… and I’m not even going to make a joke about that. No, it would be tasteless in this situation.</p><p class="western">"I know, I…” she takes a deep breath and sits properly to look at me in the eye. “I'm just unable to stay on my lane, you know?” Yeah, I feel her pain. “She's just so caring and loving,” Nayeon releases the saddest chuckle I’ve ever heard and stretches her legs forward. “Also a moron, big one.”</p><p class="western">“She is.”</p><p class="western">Then, Nayeon-eonnie turns her face towards the river, staring at some point in the darkness I’m not able to find.</p><p class="western">“It’s not gonna happen, I know, ok? I can only aim to find someone as noble as her.” I was going to hold her hand out of pure sympathy but she’s faster. When I look down, our hands are entwined and she’s looking back at me in a way I hadn’t seen in a while. “Well, I did. I found you.” she pushes me lightly, playfully. “And screwed it up." Bright, sincere eyes. It doesn’t feel nice inside my chest, <span>nonetheless</span>.</p><p class="western">"Wow, knowing you were with me only because you couldn't be with Jeongyeon doesn't hurt at all, nope... "</p><p class="western">"I did care about you, Chae," she hurries to reassure me. Maybe it’s high time we had this conversation.</p><p class="western">"But you didn't love me. That's why it felt like you didn't love me."</p><p class="western">Nayeon wants to tell me that’s not true, that she did and what we had meant anything, it’s painted all over her face — but tonight she can’t just look at me and spit her customary trail of b<span>old</span> lies, for a change.</p><p class="western">"I really wanted to," she says, her voice weak and <span>soft</span>.</p><p class="western">"Okay," I murmur. The urge of going back to the campfire is getting bigger and bigger but when I try to sit up, her grip on my hand stops me.</p><p class="western">"I'm so sorry." What is it about those words that startles me? Maybe it’s the sheer vulnerability underlying <span>them</span> or the small whimper in the end. Whatever it is, it’s enough to make me turn and <span>my stare drop on</span> her. This is the first time an apology from Im Nayeon seems heartfelt. <span>By now</span> I was already starting to doubt she had a heart to begin with. "I wouldn't blame you if you hated me." I swallow the tight knot in my throat and release a sigh that I didn’t know I was holding.</p><p class="western">"No, eonnie.” Running my free hand through my hair, I suddenly feel way more sober. “This is probably the first time in about a year that I can't bring myself to loathe you.” My thumb caresses the back of her hand, trying to ease the wince that crosses her face in that moment. “It almost feels like closure."</p><p class="western">"Almost?"</p><p class="western">"What about Minho?"</p><p class="western">"He was... an inconvenient turn of the events.” That doesn’t make any sense. Please, tell me we’re not back to the futile excuses. Nayeon turns completely towards me, crossing her legs and starts playing with my hand on her lap. Is she nervous now? “We were at <span>Jennie’s birthday, she</span> kept saying her friend liked me a lot and Jeong overheard it.” Her eyes fall to our hands. Then, brows crease in a momentary frown and she wets her lips. Why is she nervous? She has been flaunting the fact that she’s dating the guy to my face for almost a year now. “When she started pushing me to hook up with him I tried to resist but I couldn’t just tell them that I had a girlfriend or I was with someone else…” But not<em> in love </em>with someone else<em>. </em>Yeah, it itches quite a bit, “...so when they started asking questions I panicked and just accepted dancing with him.” I raise an eyebrow at that and she finally catches my stare. “After that we made out because that's what I felt they were expecting me to do and then you came over.” Yeah, that sounds more like what happened that night.</p><p class="western">“So I catch you red-handed and after making out one night with the guy you just start dating him all of the sudden, am I supposed to believe that?”</p><p class="western">“No, I decided that later.”</p><p class="western">“Oh, good then.” Her nerve, I swear.</p><p class="western">Nayeon-eonnie bites her lower lip and takes a deep breath before going back to fidgeting with my hand. I should take it off her lap, I just don’t do it.</p><p class="western">“Remember the next day when I went to talk to you?” Do I remember the most pathetic and cringe-worthy moment of my entire life? Maybe I do, many times, mostly when I’m in the shower or trying to sleep, and when I do it ruins every single good moment of my day. “I didn’t even call because I was sure you wouldn’t pick up but then you hugged me and kept looking at me with those wide, innocent eyes and the ghost of a smile hanging from your lips, hoping for the drama to be over so we could move on and I just… couldn’t.” I… My most cynical <span>Chaeyoung</span> is yelling at me that she wouldn’t even try because I was so pathetic I wasn’t worth it. But I’m not that person now, we don’t do that anymore. I’m old gen Chaeyoung again and that voice needs to shut it. “So I rolled with it, I didn’t want to keep dragging you into the mess of my life and I’m not gonna lie, dating him was so convenient in every way.” Of course it was. It is, I can’t get mad at her for pursuing an easy life either. “Don't get me wrong, Minho is handsome and I'm physically attracted to him <span>for sure...</span>” Ew, “...but he's a teen boy trapped in an adult's body most of the time."</p><p class="western">“Am I supposed to feel thankful because you decided to break my heart?” No, Chaeyoung, we are not sassy anymore. Okay, that was the last one.</p><p class="western">“No but I hope you can forgive me.”</p><p class="western">Forgiveness, the main character of the dilemma that has occupied my mind for the last two months. It took me a long time and a lot of fighting against myself to realize I couldn’t get my life back on track without leaving the past behind and that required to forgive Nayeon. I had to come to terms with the fact that I was stubbornly holding onto my story with her wasn’t only because Nayeon will always be special to me but also because doing it made me feel valid — Nayeon was the reason why I was able to gather the courage to admit to myself I was living a lie and lying to everyone in the process, she had wrapped me in cushions inside our own bubble and when she left I felt scared and alone. Also, she had to <span>cheat on</span> me with a guy, what a way to make the baby gay feel like she’s not crazy and going through a phase. I know, I know, it’s not fair but it’s how I feel. Another thing it’s taken me way too long to learn is that I am not responsible nor accountable for my thoughts or my feelings. You can be a ragging bad person in your head as long as you don’t translate that into words or actions.</p><p class="western">“I guess, eonnie.” I take a deep breath and remove an insect from her hair before she realizes and starts screaming. “Life is just a long chain of disasters.”</p><p class="western">“Don’t <span>say,</span> I’m a fucking hurricane,” Nayeon bitterly giggles.</p><p class="western">“No need to swear it.” I’m trying to hold a smile, but it escapes the moment I playfully push her with my <span>leg</span>. In return, Nayeon leans <span>her forehead against mine the way she hadn’t done in so long and breathes calmly. </span></p><p class="western"><span>The time passes very oddly when you’re a bit tipsy so I’m not sure for how long we stay like this — too much for what should be appropriate between ex-lovers and not enough for what the whole situation demands, that’s for sure. At some point, her breathing turns deeper and she whispers: </span>“I wish we had stood a chance.”</p><p class="western">Maybe it’s the alcohol, the river, the odd amount of fireflies flying around even in the winter (am I imagining them?) but when I say it, it feels right.</p><p class="western">“Me too, eonnie.” As the words leave my lips, those find hers and the night seals in a meaningful kiss, sweet and lingering just like a goodbye.</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next chapter on August 31st!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0013"><h2>13. Because I’m not paying attention. Sana.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I want to dedicate this chapter to ahnajeongs on Twitter because I see everything and I appreciate your support 👁️ 👄👁️</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">Something not many people know is that ramen, as delicious as it is, doesn’t come from Japan but from China. We just imported it during the Meiji Restoration and developed it our way, improved it to the point it overshadowed the original. In the old days, a single lump of dough was manually stretched and folded in half dozens of times until it formed a bunch of thin noodles, that was the beauty of it and in Japan you can still get those handmade noodles in certain restaurants. While these are really delicious, I still can’t help feeling nostalgic of the ramen back at home. I think the main difference may not even be the manufacture of the noodles but the lack of kansui — that’s what makes them really tasty and bouncy. All in all, I cannot complain either. As prestigious as this faculty might be, cafeteria food is cafeteria food.</p><p class="western">After catching the last piece of tofu, I manage to bring it successfully to my mouth without making a total mess. Can you believe I haven’t stained my clothes once today? The tofu is so fluffy and moist that the moment I bite on it I can’t help a tiny moan. The last one is always the best for me, it has taken in all the flavor of the broth it’s embedded in and it’s magnificently cooked in its decreasing warmth. I enjoy myself, playing with it in my mouth for a bit, licking my lips to prevent a drop of broth to fall and mess my white blouse, and when I look up Chaeyoung has this confused look on her face. Is my way of eating that bizarre? I had never before felt self conscious about it, although I had never given it a lot of thought either. Also, if we’re talking about eating unappetizingly, she’s the Queen. No, it is not about this, she’s not even looking at me.</p><p class="western">Following her gaze to my side I find that Dahyun has left her metal chopsticks on the table, her own food untouched as she’s absorbed in my chopsticks or maybe my mouth. Is it…? This promises to be interesting. In order to carry on a tiny experiment I lower my chopsticks to soak the last bite of tofu and then bring them back up, licking my lips before and after putting the food inside my mouth with a soft yet slightly suggestive moan. I promise it’s nothing weird, the cafeteria is packed after all; nevertheless, Dahyun’s lips quiver and her ears turn incandescent. She’s so squishy I just want to pinch her baby cheeks! I’m sorry but if Chaeyoung expects me not to mess with her friend when she’s being this adorably quirky, she has way too high expectations about my self-restraint.</p><p class="western">My lips draw a sly smile as I move my face closer to Dahyun’s, my nose close enough to brush against skin that soon burns with the depth of red soaking into her cheeks. It’s a particular shade that in contrast with the natural color of her skin looks so incredibly pleasing to the eye I would have it framed on my living room.</p><p class="western">“Did you want some?” I whisper with a huskier voice than I intended but it’s still a success. “I’m so sorry, Dubu.”</p><p class="western">“Eonnie,” Dahyun cries out softly and turns her face away from my teasing smile right in time for Chaeyoung’s warning kick to impact on my shin. Ouch! That will leave a mark for sure. How rude of her.</p><p class="western">While I should complain about the unfair and every day more often mistreatment of my legs, I forget whatever I was going to say the moment baby Tzuyu appears through the door and lets her book fall noisily on the table. She’s even prettier when she looks pissed, goddammit — I’m starting to understand why Nayeonnie keeps pushing her buttons.</p><p class="western">“Powerful, Tzuyu-yah,” I comment with a giggle.</p><p class="western">Her eyes suddenly fall on me and her tanned skin cannot hide the flush creeping on her neck as she bows her head. Since Chaeyoungie told me about her tiny girl crush (or ‘<em>admiration</em>’, as she called it) on me I haven’t been able to stop myself from teasing her either. How did she manage to get such cute friends, anyway?! I’m going to start straying from the Dance Club more often, even if it’s a bit unprofessional. It qualifies as a family matter, right? After all, I’m trying to fix the strained bond between my stepsister and I, and if it’s for the sake of my family, I reckon they’ll understand.</p><p class="western">“It’s time,” Tzuyu says, sitting down next to Chaeyoung. I would have offered my lap but my shin hurts enough already and something tells me Chaeyoung wouldn’t be too wary about my integrity. “Sing, Chaeyoung.” Huh?</p><p class="western">“Can we have song requests or…?” If she’s really going to start a musical in the middle of the cafeteria, I want her to cover ‘I want you back’ from The Jackson 5.</p><p class="western">“No, no,” Dahyun says with a smile. She has such nice teeth now that I see her up close. You know, I’m not used to have her at the resch of my hand for this long and now we have some time to spend together I realize her skin is so pale and perfect, spotless — it for sure feels smooth when I nuzzle her cheek from time to time but, really, what skin care routine does she follow? Not a zit, not a pore, a freckle, not even the tiniest lump. “Chaeyoung has things to explain…” Then, her eyes drift to the girl in question, whose shoulders slump paired with a deep sigh, back to me and again towards her.</p><p class="western">“She knows,” she says, although I’m not sure what she means. “Nayeon-eonnie and I kissed.” That I didn’t know. Oh, they mean <em>that</em>. Wait a minute!</p><p class="western">“You what?!” Trying to shout and being quiet at the same time isn’t easy, especially when you’re naturally not really quiet, so kudos to me. “When?!”</p><p class="western">“Weekend. It meant nothing,” Chaeyoung rushes to say and she’d better mean it. I thought she was over her! When she said she was going to try to forget Mina I never thought she meant she was going to do it by hooking up with her ex. Oh, and about Nayeon? Nayeon is so fucking dead! When I finish yelling at her, her eardrums will have burnt and melted with the walls of her ears and she’ll have to use wires to unblock them. “It was just the right moment.”</p><p class="western">“I didn’t know there was such a time to go back to the asshole who broke your heart.” Well said, Tzuyu-yah! I like her more and more every day, she’s going to get extra cuddles from now on.</p><p class="western">“That’s not what happened…” Come the fuck on! As if nobody here knew how mindlessly horny Chaeyoung can get — her blood supply can only go one way and if it goes down, her brain starts dying. Who’s she trying to convince, me or herself? For fuck’s sake, I thought we had moved on from the stage where she solved her problems by seeking sexy fun action.</p><p class="western">“I cannot believe you were that stupid,” I murmur behind clenched teeth, trying not to raise my voice and truly struggling to keep my annoyance under control. Not successfully enough, it seems, because this time Chaeyoung seems to take it to heart.</p><p class="western">“You say that like you’ve never kissed someone you shouldn’t before.” What a low blow, reminding me of… Is that how she wants things to be?! I can’t believe her, she has a fucking nerve.</p><p class="western">“At least I didn’t snog my ex, who is now dating someone else,” I counter her, folding my arms in front of my chest.</p><p class="western">“Yeah, because you should have a formal ex for that.” Fucking ass! Who does this dwarf think she is? Oh, look at me, I’m so mature because I had one girlfriend for a year and I slept with her, and I’m so out and so proud I could go up the stage to sing and dance on the next Pride parade. WHO HASN’T SLEPT WITH IM NAYEON?! That’s something that just happens in life and you don’t even need to be gay.</p><p class="western">“Excuse you, toddlers are love experts now? You wish you had a quarter of the girls I’v-…” Shit. Fuck. In the spur of the argument, I had forgotten about the two girls that are still here, quietly witnessing the verbal fight between my stepsister and I with widened eyes and sealed lips. Now those girls are looking at me and I can hear my heart pounding in my ears. “I mean boys in a formal relation-shit, never mind, there you go.” I think I’m going to be sick. Either the sudden silence is thick and heavy like a vest of plumb or I’m going to faint.</p><p class="western">“Somehow that wasn’t exactly unexpected.” Excuse me? Tzuyu has just dropped ten cuteness points.</p><p class="western">“What do you mean by that?”</p><p class="western">“I need to go.”</p><p class="western">Like triggered by a resort, Dahyunnie gathers her stuff and practically runs from the cafeteria. She even leaves her tray behind. She didn’t… Breathing had never felt so difficult. It couldn’t have been me, right? I mean, Dahyun probably has a lot more in her plate to worry about this, her own problems and… stuff. Yeah… But what if she doesn’t? What if she’s running away because she’s feeling overwhelmed and repulsed by me? I can picture it frantically in my head, all the times that I’ve cuddled her and messed with her going through her mind in this very moment, making her wonder if I was taking advantage of her trust. Suddenly, the cold makes me shiver and the lines between the tray and the table dim until I cannot tell where’s the separation. My head feels heavy, everything shakes and I need to close my eyes momentarily to focus. She probably believes I’m disgusting, that every time I hugged her or kissed her I was gaining some sick pleasure out of it, doesn’t she? Dahyunnie, who is so bright and lively, who is a church girl yet reckless in many ways — Does she hate me now? Does she think I’m going against nature? Someone as kindhearted as her, will she think I’m revolting? If she has left because she can’t even look at me now, because she can’t bear being next to me, does that mean she won’t greet me with a smile in the morning when we pick her up anymore? Perhaps she won’t want me to pick her up anymore at all.</p><p class="western">“Sana.” The call of my stepsister takes me out from the dark waters.</p><p class="western">“You look pale, eonnie.” Tzuyu. She looks concerned, not repulsed. She even moves closer, how kind of her. People may think she’s savage and cold but she has this absolutely sweet side to her, so pure and innocent.</p><p class="western">“It must have been bad timing, eonnie,” Chaeyoung tries to reassure me, going as far as taking a seat next to me and putting a warm hand on my thigh. So comforting. “Dahyun’s cool, very cool, I can tell.” Right, they know about her and they’re still best friends. The plummeting felling that makes my gut sink doesn’t seem to fade, however.</p><p class="western">“Well, that makes three out of nine,” the maknae comments in an attempt to lighten the mood. It’s not her intention, I know, but that’s not helping.</p><p class="western">“Three out of nine?” I still feel a bit lost in the conversation. The warm saliva coating the back of my mouth like I’m throwing up any time is pretty distracting.</p><p class="western">“Yeah, Chaeng, you, and the spawn of Satan.” The spawn of… Oh! So rude but so true. I’m kidding, Nayeonnie is… well, Nayeonnie, but she’s a good eonnie. She’s going to be a good dead eonnie for messing with Chaeyoung, but still pretty dope.</p><p class="western">“Higher than the average statistics.” Chaeyoung releases a snort and her tongue peaks out of her lips. Tzuyu just nods and props her head up with her elbow. They’re talking about...</p><p class="western">“I never trusted those.” Yeah, that’s what they’re talking about.</p><p class="western">“I would like to be excluded from that narrative, thank you.” Before I can stand, however, Chaeyoung’s weight on my shoulder stops me. She’s so cuddlish lately, I like it.</p><p class="western">“She only meant people who has liked to make out with women sometimes, eonnie,” she says directly to me, patting my back. None of you would be surprised to know I don’t believe a single word. I’m not saying she’s lying but I do believe she’s mocking me and I hope she’s not because this is not a frothy thing you can just joke about and it would be very unkind of her to try to pick up on me with this. Although if she wants to play that game, she’d better know I’m a master at it. Grinding the other’s gears, you know.</p><p class="western">“It can only get higher,” I comment and watch a surprised Tzuyu out of the corner of my eye. I almost feel sorry for her, she’s so adorable.</p><p class="western">“Nah, they’re boring.” Chaeyoung dismisses my idea but makes the mistake of leaning back on her chair, leaving a free and perfect space between her friend and I.</p><p class="western">“Nobody minds a little fun.” Eyes down, then slowly up and a bat of the eyelids. “Right, Tzuyu-yah?” It never fails me. The poor girl may not have a skin as fair as Dahyun’s but the blush is still pretty much visible. She can’t even produce an answer, how cute is that?!</p><p class="western">“Eonnie, stop snaking!” My stepsister hits my arm, mildly annoyed. I don’t even want to imagine how much it would hurt if she really wanted me to be in pain.</p><p class="western">“What about Momo?” Tzuyu suddenly asks.</p><p class="western">“What about her?” Call me crazy but I don’t see how the fact that I sometimes have felt some kind of attraction towards women might involve Momo by association in any way, if that’s what she’s implying. The girl squints and tilts her head.</p><p class="western">“She’s suspicious.” Suspicious how? Why? I guess she means in a homosexual way but I don’t think Momo has ever shown signs of… She would have told me, I think, or at least she’d have tried to talk to me. Or Nayeonnie. Now I don’t know if I should ask her — I don’t even know if this is a conversation I’m willing to have with anyone.</p><p class="western">“Didn’t she date that senior guy last year?” I didn’t know Chaeyoung was updated with school gossip, I didn’t peg her as the type to be into that kind of thing.</p><p class="western">“Nah, that was a rumor.”</p><p class="western">“You sure?” Why so pushy? Momoring didn’t date that guy, period. I would have known! I would have liked to know. She wouldn’t hide something like that from me. Not me.</p><p class="western">“We were in a sleepover at Seulgi’s when it came out.” It’s not like I owe them any explanation but I will give them one since they’re so interested. “We asked her, she said:<em> oh, that’s new.</em>” Literally like that, adding a drowsy tone. “Then went back to sleep.” And she slept like 10 hours that night — Momoring is such a heavy sleeper. “Now that I think of it, she’s never dated anyone that I know of.” Apart from the Dance Club and the unholy trinity (aka NaJeongJi) I don’t think I’ve even seen her socializing that much in general.</p><p class="western">“You know your friends very well, eonnie.” I do like Tzuyu but I don’t appreciate her sarcastic tone.</p><p class="western">“Momo is just… Momo, I guess.” In my eyes, Momo is an angelic figure: gorgeous like heaven, the representation of all what’s kind and pure in the world and sexless. Or would the word be<em> asexual?</em> Although that’s a sexuality, and also putting a label on whoever it is only based on your opinion is very annoying. Definitely, <em>sexless</em> is a better representation of what I’m trying to portray here. No, in fact the word<em> Momo</em> is pretty self-explanatory. She’s always been kind of odd and quiet, that’s part of her charm, and not very inclined to meet new people. Talking about quiet and charming personas... “Not related but have you noticed anything strange about Mina recently or is it just me?” It’s pretty sad how that only line has grabbed Chaeyoung’s attention stronger than the whole previous conversation. She said she was working on getting over that helpless crush, it seems she’s not working hard enough.</p><p class="western">“In what way?”</p><p class="western">“She’s normally quiet, like very quiet.” They both nod. “It’s just… she’s always so kind and funny, Mina is a princess…”</p><p class="western">“We know, go to the point.” I would find Chae’s jealousy endearing if it didn’t feel so wrong. Focus, Sana, focus.</p><p class="western">“What I mean is that she’s never been one to chitchat or to be overly participatory in conversation, she’s more of a listener. Actually, this is so dramatic we still know little to nothing about Sehun or their relationship to this day.” Seems like we’re all in the same page and we all are equally frustrated about it. “However, the last couple of days she’s been… chatty, somehow.”</p><p class="western">“Like participating in conversation?” Chaeyoung frowns.</p><p class="western">“And even starting them!” The two girls look at me with widened eyes. I know, I KNOW!</p><p class="western">“I also feel more talkative when I’m hap-” Tzuyu gives her friend a look out of the corner of her eye and stops herself. She doesn’t want to imply it, but she’s totally doing that and it doesn’t escape Chaeyoung’s wit. Her eyes fall and her shoulders narrow so much she might resemble a big doll. I know she wants to hide it, she might even try to block those thought and feelings, but she can’t help that it shows — I’ve always thought of that as a very lovely trait about her. “Maybe she’s interested in the topic.”</p><p class="western">“My life is not that interesting.” Even though I like to pretend it is vast and exciting.</p><p class="western">“What did she ask about?”</p><p class="western">“Stuff, I don’t know.” A though disturbs my mind. I can’t go back there, I won’t go back there. A shake of my head seems to make everything fall into place. “Some things we’ve discussed before like the cultural shock coming from Japan but also things like how it is to adapt to a new family or how is cohabitation working...” <em>You</em>… But I do not mention it because if I do she’ll start fantasizing and getting her hopes up, and we all know that can only end in a break down. “She also wanted to know more about the girls. Nayeonnie has made a big impression on her.”</p><p class="western">“She does that.” Surprisingly enough, it is Tzuyu who speaks. “It makes you want to press the mute button.” With the robotic way she says that, no human being would be able to hold back a guffaw.</p><p class="western">Maybe it is just me. No, it is probably just me and I shouldn’t have said a thing — The worst part is that I knew that beforehand. Hence, the reason why I don’t stay quiet is very simple, a pill hard to swallow: it is becoming an obsession, the need of checking her reaction whenever Mina’s around or she’s brought up in conversation. You may argue it is because I have this sadistic hobby of torturing Chaeyoung and to be honest I would be lying to myself if I told you that I don’t feel the least bit better by stating how impossible it is for that ship to sail. The truth is I can’t talk to her about her feelings for Mina without feeling sick or making everything weird and as a result, again, feeling sick — I don’t know where she stands anymore. She says she’s over it or “almost there” or “working on it” but it’s been two months and allow me to say that I’ve seen little progress. She didn’t fall into the deep well of depression after camping with Mina’s boyfriend and in my naivety I thought that could be a sign of green sprouts finally coming out. Making out with Nayeon, though? That’s not moving on, that’s trying to drive out a nail with another, one already rusty and twisted that took her a lot to remove.</p><p class="western">When you take a step back and look at the big picture, it makes no sense at all. Before Chaeyoung came to my life, I had never felt like such a horrible person, I don’t understand this sick need to destroy her unrequited love — it is her life, I shouldn’t meddle with her affairs. Yet, watching her eternal pining, especially after failing once and again in forgetting her, is so unbearably frustrating that it makes me want to yell at her and cry in despair.</p><p class="western">I wish she would stop sinking. At times I even wish I could keep her afloat.</p><p class="western">
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  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next chapter will be up on September 10th</p>
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<a name="section0014"><h2>14. In which extreme decisions lead to weird interactions. Chaeyoung.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Before the chapter, a word.</p><p>You will realize that part of the chapter is censored and it will stay like this at least for now. I'm not used to write for fandoms about real people and so I was wondering if I should moderate myself when writing about these characters based on the girls. Several of my stories use sex and romance as an inherent force ince plot, not just for the sake of it but becasue I find it useful to portray realness and also to show some feelings and things that are going on without having to write word by word what's going on. In this case, I've censored the parts that I think are less useful for that, at least for now.<br/>I hope you all can understand. Stay safe, stay healthy and enjoy the next chapter of Blind to the forest.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western"> </p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">This is exactly what I needed, the cold bucket of reality. It’s not like I hadn’t anticipated any of this, of course, but reaching this point and realizing it is nothing like it was supposed to be is truly eye opening. A few months ago, when I fantasized about Mina’s birthday, I’d picture a party with the girls, I’d imagine Jihyo-eonnie bringing the cake while I hugged her from behind and then kissed her on the cheek. When I thought about Mina’s special day at that time, I was convinced I would surprise her with flowers and a new game for her Switch or maybe some legos — a hobby of hers that she fortunately shares with Jeongyeon so we could have planned something very cool beforehand. It’s been a while in this ride together now you and I, so I won’t even insult you trying to say I didn’t also picture naked times afterwards.</p><p class="western">But that was only a fantasy, a daydream. Reality is pretty different.</p><p class="western">For starters, I am not there to open the door but another. Sehun greets Sana and I with a big smile and a bow of the head, and then steps back to allow us in. They’ve been dating for two months but it feels like it is his home already. That’s the first thing that shocks me, and it freezes me on my spot. Hence, Sana takes it upon herself to start the night smoothly — she grabs my hand, tangles our fingers and drags me inside where five of them are already siting on the couch, some on chairs and, in Dubu’s case, even the floor while Jeongyeon plays with the stereo. While Mina’s naturally stunning, truth be told, in that checked bluish dress she shines like the sun. Her gummy smile is blinding, it dumb-strikes me for a second before Sana practically assaults her to give her a birthday hug and a kiss on the cheek. A chaste one — not that she had any reason to do anything else but since Sana-eonnie’s favorite game is to piss me off, anything could happen. Should I kiss her as well? No, I don’t, I just wish her a happy birthday and leave my gift on the kitchen table with the others. No flowers. And when I turn around, Sehun has joined us again and Mina’s grabbing his hand, playfully pulling from him so he will sit next to her. He does. Mina-eonnie snuggles against him on the couch and he puts an arm around her gorgeous shoulders. My mouth feels bitter and still I’m glad, I am, because this is it, the last thing I needed to see so it would sink. It’s over. She’s happy and straight, and we will never be more than friends. It’s over.</p><p class="western">“Chaeyoung.” Something touches my shoulder, scaring the shit out of me. Really, I have had to hold a scream. “You ok? You’re jumpy,” Jeongyeon-eonnie laughs and I just offer her a sheepish grin. “Do you want my chair? I don’t mind sitting on the floor.”</p><p class="western">“No, no, eonnie.” I reassure her, “I’ll sit with Dahyun.”</p><p class="western">Then I take off my coat and look around. Where have the others left their clothes? There are no coats or jackets around. Maybe the bedroom... Walking to the hallway, I realize I should have asked first, I don’t want to wander around Mina’s apartment, entering every roo- Shit! I bump into something, a light crash. Fortunately, I’m more startled than anything else. It would have been fun to also get physically hurt during Mina-eonnie’s birthday in Mina-eonnie’s house. Yeah, so fun.</p><p class="western">“Chaeyoungie,” Sana says, already in her black blouse. “Coat?” I nod. It’s nice how she seems to understand, how she doesn’t expect anything, she doesn’t push me to talk or react. No, she just grabs the garment and disappears inside the darkness of the room for a second. Then she kisses my cheek, hugs my waist and whispers in my ear: “We stay for as long as you want, ok?” Okay.</p><p class="western">Another gentle squeeze before returning to the group. Remind me to do something nice for her later, she keeps having these tiny nice gestures with me and I always feel like all I do is nagging and scolding her on a daily basis. We did set off to rocky (volcanic) start, that’s undeniable, but for the last few weeks I feel like I’m finally beginning to know Sana-eonnie, that now I understand what Momo said, how she’s in this world only to make your day brighter. Deep down she’s a bit like Dahyun — she will always have a smile for you, even when she’s miserable. I really hope some day she realizes she doesn’t need to please everyone, she doesn’t have to put everyone’s feelings and interests before herself. Sometimes you need to take care of yourself first.</p><p class="western">It isn’t until half an hour later that the last one of us arrives. Nayeon’s always busy, so everyone expected her to be pretty late. After waiting A LOT for her, I’ve come to the realization that she might not be the one that chose the most difficult major among us but she certainly is the one that needs to put more time a week into her homework and studies. Just like Momo, whose major is Dance, or Sana, who balances that with her Design major, she has to put a lot of extra time practicing. On top of all, if Acting wasn’t complicated enough, her passion is Musical Theater, and that also demands great dancing and vocal skills. It will always astound me the way she has managed to carry all that for almost four years and be able to bloom instead of shriek. Some people are just made for success and I can assure you Nayeon-eonnie is one of them.</p><p class="western">“Happy birthday, Mina-ssi!” The moment she steps into the living room shaking a wrapped box in her hand with the biggest bunny smile, her presence eats the whole conversation that was going on. She then wraps Mina in a hug like they’ve been friends for years and manages to turn the calm and nice evening into a loud feast topped with laughter. That’s pretty much Nayeon’s magic. “Sorry for being late.”</p><p class="western">There’s this pretty awkward moment when Nayeon bows to greet Mina’s boyfriend but she has some wardrobe malfunction, the kind that happens when your dress is tight but pretty short and it’s the price to pay to make your legs look like <em>that.</em> Let’s be real, Nayeon-eonnie’s legs look incredible. Anyway, not the point here. The most interesting part about this incident is that it is so subtle nobody would realize without<em> the </em>uncomfortable situation. Did you think I was talking merely about Nayeon’s dress going a bit upper than it should? No, what makes the situation weird is the fact that Jeongyeon thinks it would be funny or in any case acceptable to playfully slap her butt and pick on her by commenting she is too old already to wear those types of dresses. Nayeon immediately fixes the hem of her dress and turns around, red like a flame. For some reason the first person her eyes dart to is me, perhaps because, knowing what I know now, I am the only one who can really understand the depth of the situation. Then, she frowns, hits Jeong’s arm like she normally does and scolds her loudly, surrounded by everyone’s laughter. Only when the giggles die down, I dare to speak up.</p><p class="western">“You look pretty tonight.”</p><p class="western">Five words, innocent ones, but they’re enough to make time collapse. Every tiny sound but the background music stops. Nayeon looks at me, a bit confused but visibly pleased by my initiative, head slightly tilted and a pretty smile permanently tugging from her lips. I don’t miss the glance of joy Jihyo sends to Jeongyeon, relieved this feud between us might be over at long last. Nevertheless, the rest of them seem petrified. Well, to be fair, Sehun is more confused by the reactions than anything but nobody cares about him.</p><p class="western">“Thank you, kid, but who do you think you’re speaking to?” she tries to sound sassy and yet I soon find her hand around mine. “Respect your elders!” she demands with a little squeeze, never losing her smile.</p><p class="western">“Sure, grandma-eonnie,” I answer playfully in front of a perplexed crowd.</p><p class="western">The silence is then broken by Jihyo-eonnie, who enthusiastically yet cautiously asks: “So… you’ve buried the war axe?” Nice way to put it. I turn my face to Nayeon trying to find the answer. She looks back at them out of the corner of her eye, never losing her smile. Have we? I think so.</p><p class="western">“We had some time to finally talk about it.” That’s not exactly true, we haven’t really talked since that trip to the river (did I tell you I was dramatically behind my homework?) but the message remains true to its core.</p><p class="western">“When was this?” Sana-eonnie wants to know, mildly pissed — if it’s at me or Nayeon, I can’t tell.</p><p class="western">“Pretty much since camping.” Perhaps it’s stupid but saying that in front of those who know about what happened between Nayeon-eonnie and me makes me blush a little too suspiciously. Either the heating system is working too well or I have a temperature problem but I’m starting to get sweaty.</p><p class="western">“So you are… rocking it off again?” Tzuyu cautiously asks. This time Nayeon takes over our little charade. We can’t say a lot since neither Jihyo, Jeong, Momo nor Mina know anything about this but I don’t think she wants to lie either — I certainly don’t. Come to think of it, I wonder if Nayeon even knows about Sana. Up to this point, I’ve taken as certain that those two are more acquainted to each other than they’re willing to disclose but the secrecy between them is so intense I realize I do have all the questions but none of the answers.</p><p class="western">“Things are gonna be different for sure…” Nayeon says and her gaze lazily wander towards me again, “...but we’re in good and friendly terms, right?” I nod and return the kindness of her words with a smile. If we’re not there yet, we will be. Now, please, let’s change the topic.</p><p class="western"><br/>
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</p><p class="western">You don’t need a club to have a party, only music and friends. And booze, but Jeongyeon-eonnie and Dahyun are taking that as the top requirement and drying all the existences before the night has even started. Thankfully we have our maknae, who is responsible enough to contr- No, she’s just joining the shot party. Never mind, at least it’s just Baileys. It’s an Irish cream, I believe, and I hadn’t tasted it before. I don’t even think I’ve seen it in South Korea prior to this day but it’s okay, pretty sweet. Dahyun has always had a sweet tooth, maybe I should tell her to slow down. Nevertheless, right when I’m about to walk towards my friend I bump into something and fall back on the couch.</p><p class="western">“Sorry,” Nayeon-eonnie giggles as she sits beside me. She’s been pretty busy with Jihyo and Momo preparing (and drinking) wine glasses for everybody but I guess the moment Jeongyeon has opened that liquor she has also taken over the alcohol management. “I love your braids,” she comments, her fingers trailing the braided blond hair on one side of my head. Then, she rests her back on the couch and takes a sip of her red wine. “Someone has dressed for…” Her gaze deviates to the side, where Mina is showing something to Sana on her phone. How subtle. “...the occasion.” Something that I can only describe as mischief tugs from her lips, curling them into a teasing smile that I respond with a quirked eyebrow. Is she really trying to pick on me about this? A snort leaves my lips as I check once again the dress she’s chosen for the night. Not too much, though — her legs do look amazing and I don’t want to, you know, <em>stare.</em></p><p class="western">“Other people could say the same about you, eonnie.” I bring my glass back to my lips to hide the incipient grin. While it’s true we’re getting along now, we haven’t really had much contact since that weekend and I don’t really know where we stand in terms of complicity. She said it herself, we’re good, right? Yet things are rarely that simple.</p><p class="western">“Just wishful thinking,” she answers with a sigh. Jeongyeon-eonnie has left The School Meal Club dangerously alone with that bottle… and Momo is now lively talking to Sehun about the music, I think. Soon enough, Mina joins them to prevent that she tricks him into playing Barbie Girl.</p><p class="western">A sad chuckle leaves my lips, catching Nayeon’s attention and I rise my glass of wine.</p><p class="western">“To wishful thinking.”</p><p class="western">Nayeon-eonnie looks at me for a couple of seconds before her countenance softens — I hadn’t even noticed she was so tense. Then, she carefully hits my cup with hers and shares my toast.</p><p class="western">“To wishful thinking,” she repeats and proceeds to finish the glass in one go. This night is going to be pretty long for the both of us, I might need another glass too.</p><p class="western">“Chaeyoungie!” Suddenly, a wild Sana-eonnie appears from nowhere and sits right between us. Thank goodness both our glasses are mostly empty and nobody is wearing bright colors. “Would you bring your eonnie something to drink, please<sub>~</sub>?”</p><p class="western">This girl, I swear — she knows I can’t say no when she uses her big sister position and it drives me crazy. I don’t like being forced int doing things I don’t want to, she could have just asked politely. However, before I can do anything a glass of water appears before her eyes.</p><p class="western">“Here you go, eonnie.” Tipsy Dahyun still has a pretty good control on her limbs, she hasn’t spilled the least bit and the glass is almost full to the rim with a transparent liquid. Amazing. “It’s only water, I… know that you don’t drink… anymore.”</p><p class="western">My sister’s face lightens up so much it could almost blind you. Look, I do try to protect my friends from her snake ways but if they don’t do their part too this is impossible. If she can’t handle Sana-eonnie being clingy, then don’t provoke her. I am so done.</p><p class="western">“You remembered.” Sana takes the glass with bright, wide eyes and releases that characteristic giggle of hers. “Aren’t you cute?” Then, she pats her lap, asking Dahyun to sit there, which she does and even makes a cute face when my sister’s arms surround her waist. SEE WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT? My glare doesn’t go inadverted by Sana, who dismisses it by drinking her water. The worst side of this is that she keeps teasing and challenging me with this kind of behavior because she knows it annoys me. Maybe I should just ignore them and she’ll lose interest. Actually, yeah, I have tried caring, I’ve done all I could. Now it’s on them.</p><p class="western">And wine keeps running.</p><p class="western">While it’s true the night has started earlier than usual, before coming here today I never thought the mood would get so crazy before midnight. Jihyo has renounced to play the music she likes since Jeongyeon keeps changing the playlist every single time — I won’t say a thing because I like Jeong’s better but I get why she’s pissed. At least she has her alcohol to drown her sorrows in. I might join her as well, I’d drink anything not to see Mina making out with the guy in the kitchen instead of bringing snacks like they were supposed to. Speaking true, I want to leave but I don’t know where Sana-eonnie is anymore.</p><p class="western">“I do like people,” I hear Tzuyu say with only a slight difficulty.</p><p class="western">“No, you don’t.” Dahyun’s right, she doesn’t.</p><p class="western">“I do!” she whines like a kid. Sometimes I forget she’s our maknae. “It’s just difficult to steer clear of the stupid ones.”</p><p class="western">“You tell me.” Nayeon-eonnie has the unique ability of appearing from thin air, I swear. She takes a seat on the couch next to Tzuyu despite the glare my friend tries to kill her with and smiles. “Tzuyu-yaaaahh.” Oh-oh… Has Nayeon just hugged Yoda? Yes, she has. How drunk is she? I’m impressed Tzuyu hasn’t punched her off immediately — I don’t even know if I should throw body to earth or try to mediate between them.</p><p class="western">“Why are you squeezing me with your upper limbs?” she asks, visibly uncomfortable. She has this tendency of referring to Nayeon like she’s an alien lizard, I’ve noticed.</p><p class="western">“I thought you could use a hug.” Body to earth, definitely.</p><p class="western">“Don’t touch me.” She’s almost spitted that. Scary.</p><p class="western">“I know you need physical contact from time to time too, don’t try to deny it.”</p><p class="western">“I don’t even like breathing the same oxygen as you, why do you think I would want your physical contact?” Oh my...</p><p class="western">“Uh, savage.” Finally, Jeongyeon intercedes to save us all.</p><p class="western">“She keeps playing hard to get.” Nayeon’s impossible.</p><p class="western">“Keep pushing my buttons and we’ll be playing easy to suffocate<em>.</em>” Jihyo clears her throat, catching the maknae’s attention, who sighs deeply and adds: “Eonnie.” Nothing like threatening to kill someone in a polite way to keep a party going.</p><p class="western">Something I must address here is that I’ve known Nayeon for two years now but I had never seen her standing jabs like these (and less than) without giving a perfectly crafted, absolutely poisonous comeback. The fact that she’s not attacking Tzuyu back like everyone is used to is either because she’s speechless, which I doubt Nayeon can ever be, or because Yoda’s the maknae and as the youngest she gets a special treatment. If it’s the last thing, I just want to say that I’m also part of the youngest line and she replied harshly every single time I would sass her in the least bit. Of course I prefer there’s no cataclysm between my friend and my ex but… you know, it’s not fair!</p><p class="western">“Kids these days respect nothing and no one.” Nothing, not even a tiny insult, just old people banter. “Right, Jeongyeon?”</p><p class="western">“Don’t ask me, I don’t even know you.” Only a legend. I’m sorry, I have to cackle.</p><p class="western">“Mean!” As a matter of fact, she doesn’t only hit Jeong but also me while Tzuyu sneaks away unscathed. I haven’t even said a word!</p><p class="western">The night soon turns into a drunken mess the moment Jihyo comes up with the idea of playing drinking games, the same moment I decide to switch the alcohol in my cup for water in a display of sheer intelligence. At first they wanted to play Titanic but none of us but Jeong thought mixing Baileys and wine was a good idea so we end up playing ‘Most likely to’. In the game, someone has to ask to the rest who is most likely to do or have or be something and the rest have to point at the one in the group that each one of the members believe is most likely to whatever they said. That person must drink. For example, Jihyo-eonnie starts the first round asking who was most likely to get shitfaced tonight and of course everyone points at her but Sehun, who points at Nayeon. In this case, Jihyo must drink. Then Sana-eonnie asks who’s most likely to become famous and a lot of fingers point to Nayeon since she’s studying to become a Musical Theatre actress — oddly enough, she doesn’t point at herself but to Momo. I could also agree with that. Of course Tzuyu and Dahyun point at Sana-eonnie, earning a happy giggle from her, and I’m not even going to mention the fact that Sehun believes he’s so charming by picking Mina. No, not a word. Only that she’s picked me. Next!</p><p class="western">The following round, Momo-eonnie comes up with asking who’d be secretly a serial killer and she immediately picks Dahyun, who seeing she’s been chosen, changes her decision from Tzuyu to the older one. Aside from Sana picking Sehun because he’s <em>new</em> (remind me to kiss her… on the cheek!), everyone else agrees on Yoda.</p><p class="western">“Why me?” Dahyun slurs and frowns like an old woman, facing Momo.</p><p class="western">“You are suspiciously mysterious.” Actually, she has a point, the Eagle is a very private person.</p><p class="western">To Dahyun’s question about who would die in a stupid way, the most fingers point at Sana and not even she disagrees on that. When Nayeon-eonnie’s turn arrives, much to everyone’s surprise, she doesn’t make a single mention of sex. Instead, she creates a very tense environment asking who’d be more likely to date someone they shouldn’t. That choice is not accidental, of course, but the perfect excuse for Jihyo and her to point at Jeongyeon. Both Tzuyu and I appreciate the chance to be able to send an indirect to our School Meal Club leader as well and blissfully ignore the fact that both she and my stepsister are pointing at me. In the end, Jeongyeon drinks, which is probably what leads her to use her turn to say:</p><p class="western">“Who’s more likely to fuck tonight?” And she laughs her ass off. Actually, if she hadn’t been so loud I probably would have questioned if I had heard right — what were the odds of a simple night being able to put so much salt on the wound?</p><p class="western">I’m fine, I promise. A bit overwhelmed but I wasn’t lying when I said I’ve accepted the reality of the situation. I’m not even… well, I might be a bit jealous of Sehun but it’s not nearly as bad as I imagined it would be based on my experiences with Nayeon and Minho. Actually, I think that’s an important difference as well as a relief because it also means I was right and this is not real love, that I was able to retreat in time. The fact that I’m terribly infatuated with Mina doesn’t stop the world from turning nor means she won’t pursue her own romantic adventures. Above all, it saddens be because it could have been a legendary story.</p><p class="western">In fact, I have proof: I am so fine that I don’t doubt to raise my hand towards Mina, who is probably wishing she was way drunker than she is. The others pick either her or Sehun, laughing and joking as they do, except for Sana and Nayeon, the first one most likely out of concern for me and the second one to point at herself. She looks at me like only she does, winking before being loud and demanding of attention, boasting to Jihyo of being the one with the most stable and long relationship in the group. What an asshole, truly. I couldn’t thank any of them enough for their cool behavior tonight.</p><p class="western">It is probably the sheer embarrassment the couple is feeling right now what inspires Mina to cut the alcohol supply for a while. Nevertheless, Jeongyeon won’t leave her so fast off the hook and suggests to pay with a dare instead. Going through all of this is almost a rite of passing for this cult of us, don’t be mad at her. Actually, that idea turns the night into something entirely different when Jeongyeon challenges Nayeon to do a lap dance to our Yoda. Absolutely hilarious, let me tell you. Goodness, I’m not going to describe it — I’m very sorry, VERY sorry for Tzuyu because she looks mortified but I’ve never laughed this much in my entire life, especially when Momo joins her to do the lap dance for Jeongyeon as well. The icing on the cake is that right after they exchange positions and everything becomes a chaotic show framed by the cheers of the crowd minus Jihyo, who is too horrified to do anything but glaring at them.</p><p class="western">When the dance finishes, Jihyo won’t let Nayeon sit next to her nor Tzuyu, so I just stand up and sit on Momo’s lap while Mina, Sehun and Jeong go back to the kitchen to release the imprisoned alcohol before things get even crazier. Yeah, this is a sentence I’ve said and somehow it makes sense in this situation. Momo-eonnie hugs my waist and buries her face on my neck.</p><p class="western">“<em>Chaeyoungie kawaii,</em>” she says drowsily and I can’t help my smile.</p><p class="western">“We need to revive our Mochaeng dance practices.”</p><p class="western">“Actually,” Momo straightens a bit to face me, “right the other day I was thinking about choreographing a Beyonce song.” That sounds like she’s going to kick my ass with difficult moves and I’ll love it.</p><p class="western">“If it’s your choreo, I’m in.” Momo-eonnie chuckles and rests her chin on my shoulder, so I lean my head on hers.</p><p class="western">“So dumb for some stuff, so talented for other,” she murmurs, maybe for herself. It doesn’t feel right at all, where’s my confident eonnie, the power of nature?</p><p class="western">“I think you’re one of the most intelligent people I’ve ever met, eonnie.” I put an arm around her shoulders and squeeze. “You think in a different way, I like that.”</p><p class="western">Intense. Her eyes fix on mine like she’s trying to decipher the truthfulness of my speech so I hold her gaze until she seems satisfied. A sheepish smile appears on her face, it’s the first time I’ve ever seen her blushing and she realizes because she regains her composure and presses her lips against my ear.</p><p class="western">“If you weren’t so obviously crushing on Mina, I’d kiss you,” she whispers in a low voice, sending shivers to my spine. There’s no need to be an intellectual to realize despite her obvious affection she’s also trying to reinstate her dominance. I would have never fathomed Momo-eonnie would have that side to her.</p><p class="western">“Momo-chan!” Sana’s high pitched scream breaks through the music. Mom always tell me I’m loud, I don’t understand how she can say that when she’s raised her daughter.</p><p class="western">“Do you want a kiss too, eonnie?”</p><p class="western">When my sister gets pissed, the best thing one can do is to ease her into the conversation. Momo-eonnie murmurs something under her breath that I don’t fully understand. Call me crazy but it has sounded suspiciously close to “it wouldn’t be the first time.” I shouldn’t be surprised anymore at this point.</p><p class="western">“She’s my sister now!” Momo clings to me and presses our cheeks together, to which Sana-eonnie responds with a rather cute pout. Don’t get me wrong, I still believe to my core that it’s very cringy seeing someone her age acting like a kid, although that doesn’t mean she doesn’t look adorable.</p><p class="western">“You’re basically twins, aren’t we all sisters?”</p><p class="western">Making peace is my only objective here and yet a clearly intoxicated Dubu takes the opportunity given by the situation to whistle and slur something like “Son Chaeyoung, getting the girls!” I swear if I was in the closet I’d have killed her pale existence and then I would have squeezed her ghostly sad shell until there was no ectoplasm left. Nevertheless, since I’m not exactly hanging out with my jeans and coats anymore, I opt for fighting against Momo to kick that perky bottom of hers to no avail since she gets all nauseous and runs away towards the bathroom. She never drinks this much, I don’t know what’s wrong with her tonight.</p><p class="western">“I better go hold her hair.” I release a deep sigh and get onto my feet. My tipsiness is finally fading and I can’t be gladder.</p><p class="western">“I’ll get her some water,” I hear Sana-eonnie say before opening the door.</p><p class="western">This is what friendship really is, holding your bestie’s hair while she releases her guts into a toilet. I’m not being sarcastic even though it might well have sounded like that since the stench of the vomit is making me really queasy — friendship implies today I’ll scratch your back (or hold your mane) and tomorrow you’ll scratch mine. Taking one for the team, that is. In any case, I’m very glad when Sana insists on taking care of Dahyunnie and drive her home as the only sober person in this household. It’s probably for the best.</p><p class="western"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">At 1 am the party starts dying down. Sana’s not back yet, which means that I can’t exactly leave, so I’ve been sitting on a couch looking around for a while, finding the night most amazing than ever. For starters, Jihyo’s babying a drowsy Tzuyu — this shouldn’t be weird if it wasn’t because Tzuyu is still awake and she’s letting herself be rocked by momma Jihyo. I’ll tease her about that later, you can count on it. In the kitchen, Momo and Jeongyeon are preparing the appetizers to eat while the jokball we’ve just ordered arrives. One of the most amazing things about Seoul is the 24/7 service, I could feel like eating pork soup at 4 am and I would find a hundred restaurants that could prepare me some and bring it home. In the corner of the room, sitting on her boyfriend’s lap, there’s Mina — I’m most surprised they haven’t just excused themselves to go to her room and have quiet and boring hetero sex while we’re here. Instead they’re just lazily flirting aside. We haven’t talked a word in the whole night, she hasn’t even approached me to although, to be fair, I haven’t either. It’s safer this way, for now at least — our glances have crossed a few times and my heart has stopped every single one of them. Once my ship has sunk, what’s left of my hopes and dreams needs to burn to ashes. Give it a couple of weeks.</p><p class="western">“Mina looks gorgeous tonight, doesn’t she?” Nayeon-eonnie comes to sit on the couch beside me and whispers in my ear. Have I been staring at Mina? I probably have. I hope nobody else has noticed.</p><p class="western">The girl leans back on the couch. I don’t miss the stray look she gives towards the kitchen before fixing her eyes on me. How hopeless a woman in love can be.</p><p class="western">“So does Jeongyeon-eonnie.”</p><p class="western">“Really? I hadn’t realized,” the girl chuckles and smiles rather bitterly. “I was busy doing a lap dance for her.” Hopeless but gritty, I have to give her that.</p><p class="western">“You may think it’s been torture for you but you’ve scarred our maknae for life.” Nayeon cackles loudly, attracting too much attention. She snuggles closer to me and the next time, she talks a bit lower.</p><p class="western">“Come on, my lap dances are the best.” The girl brings her hand forward, fingers casually caressing the side of my thigh. “Don’t you remember?” She’s ogling at me, shoulder slightly peeking forward and eyelids batting. Her eyes fall for a second and immediately rise back, holding my gaze with incredible intensity. Why does this ring a bell? Oh, of course. I guess we’re not that drunk anymore... or maybe we are still really intoxicated. Yeah, ‘we’ because right now the idea doesn’t seem exactly unpleasant and I know I’m crazy.</p><p class="western">“Are you trying to seduce me, bunny-ssi?” I say under my breath.</p><p class="western">“Me?” Her feign innocence fools nobody so she quickly drops the act. “Maybe.” A shy smile on my lips matches her sudden excitement when her hand boldly slides to my knee and rests there, fingers drawing shapes on the inner side, awakening sensitive skin. “You look ravishing tonight too, Chae.” Her gaze is hypnotizing, her breath against my cheek sets me ablaze. You can’t understand how hard I’m trying right now — if I look down, I’ll only see her legs, those strong legs that show invitingly below the very short black dress, and if I look up, I’m trapped by her eyes. I’m trying, I’m trying to resist, not to imagine her mouth against mine and her legs around my hips, not to remember how warm and soft it feels to have her body under mine.</p><p class="western">“I’m not sure this is a good idea…” I bite my tongue, not wanting to say more. I’m unsure what will come out if I speak another single word.</p><p class="western">“We have been casual before, haven’t we?” This woman is going to be the end of me. Chaeyoung! Stop imagining how slender and long her fingers are, for goodness sake! Although they feel so good and hot on my leg...</p><p class="western">“Yeah,” I swallow the knot in my throat, “but this time we’re more… sober.” It’s funny because we must still be pretty hammered, there’s no other explanation. Last time was just so insane, so angry. Why was I so angry? Oh, right. “What about Minho?”</p><p class="western">“What about him?” We’re not going to start this dumb circle of stupid excuses again. I give her a look, ready to stand and walk out if needed, but this time it’s different. This time she sighs, grabs my hand and rests her head on my shoulder before saying: “Yeah, I definitely have to break up with him.” Have I heard properly?</p><p class="western">“You should.” She should have never… Not that it’s any relevant now.</p><p class="western">“He’s not a bad guy, y’know?” Allow me to be skeptic because I’ve definitely seen his not so kind colors towards her in more than one occasion. Or maybe it’s just me that I’m too petty and biased. “He’s just not…”</p><p class="western">“Her?”</p><p class="western">“I was gonna say the right kind of guy but yeah.” The sadness of her chuckle is devastating. Yet, her shoulders loosen up. “It’s just never the right time.”</p><p class="western">“Is there anything like a ‘right time’ though?” There’s no answer to that question, hence I don’t hold it against her when she doesn’t say anything.</p><p class="western">Lately, I’ve grown to realize there’s this connection between us again, it’s difficult to explain but I can tell you it’s not the same than it was when I was in love with her, that’s not where I’m going. It’s the kind of mutual understanding that makes you stand in the middle of the birthday party of your crush and walk towards the main door, the same that allows her to follow you no words needed and make up an excuse about how you’re going to fetch some wine bottles from the trunk of her car. Has she even brought wine? I don’t know what I’m doing, all I know is that this is what I want to do right now, with her. The smile on her face in the elevator is pretty revealing, she’s very pleased with this plan too, but what’s the plan exactly? It seems it has truly to do with her car.</p><p class="western">We leave the coats inside the trunk instead of retrieving some surprisingly very much existing wine bottles lying there. Something you need to understand is that it’s February and winters in Seoul are really cold, and when I say <em>cold </em>I mean we freeze in the 30 seconds between losing our coats and Nayeon-eonnie running around the car to occupy the copilot seat. Therefore, I don’t even stop to hesitate when she pats her lap instead of opening another seat for me. When the door is locked, she reaches for the contact and turns on the heating system before wrapping me in a warm embrace. The lights of the car go off but I don’t feel lost, I feel grounded. Her hands on my thighs give me structure, the kisses on the back of my neck and shoulders anchor me to this piece of wonderful reality. I’m melting against her and nothing has happened yet.</p><p class="western">“I thought we were going to the dorm,” I manage to pant while her hands start sneaking under my thick, green sweater and fingernails softly scratch up my sides.</p><p class="western">“I’ve drunk quite a bit, I can’t drive,” she says against my skin and right after she bites down. A moan escapes my lips and my hips have the chance to rock only once before her tight grip keep them in place. “Plus, if you think I could drive all the way to the dorm and get there without jumping you, you’re pretty wrong.” Just like that, long fingers find my boobs. They’ve always been her toy of choice.</p><p class="western">
  <strong>***</strong>
</p><p class="western">Her hands stroke my thighs up and down, enjoying themselves when reaching my butt, where she leaves a tiny nip and a kiss before releasing a giggle and making room for me back there. Only when I my breath is steady and I am able to put my garments back on, I turn to face her.</p><p class="western">Without setting a precedent or meaning anything by this, I missed it. I missed sharing this intimacy with her, laughing with her, being touched by her, having her panting against my mouth and shaking under my body. What I didn’t miss, however, was having sex in weird and tiny places, and a car is both of those.</p><p class="western">“Had fun?” she asks with an arrogant smile. What an asshole. The only answer I can come up with is a merciless attack of her mouth. She receives it pleasingly, every stroke of my tongue, every bite on her lips, all the softness and the roughness.</p><p class="western">It’s true, I missed so many things but every time something like this happens the thing I realize I’ve yearned for the most is her lips. They entice you, every time she speaks or smiles, when she’s confident and unsure her lips keep looking absolutely delicious. Like the apple that doomed human race. The tempting offer of the devil and I have the bad habit of taking it every single time. But how could you not?</p><p class="western">To be able to move and maneuver, I manage to fold the front seat forward (after way too many tries for the occasion) and she lies there on her front. For a moment, I just watch from the backseat in awe and disbelief of what’s happening tonight, of what’s happened to us. And then my eyes fall to the hem of her dress. This one might have become my new favorite outfit of Nayeon.</p><p class="western">“I’ve been waiting all night to do this.” My hands caress the milky and tender skin of her legs, slowly sliding up her dress to reveal a matching set of black panties. Indulging myself, I let my thumb stroke through her wet folds above the fabric. You can bet she’s biting her lower lip. She doesn’t want me to hear, does she? Is she afraid I’m going to edge her mercilessly like she’s done to me? Or maybe that I’m going to leave her hanging like that last time… No, not tonight. “Take it off,” I order with my hands roaming through the tender skin of her bottom.</p><p class="western">“Do you really want me to get naked here?” The fact that it is a question after she’s gotten me bare back and in all fours inside her car parked in a very public place is simply hilarious.</p><p class="western">
  <strong>***</strong>
</p><p class="western">You wouldn’t say it by having listened to Naeyeon-eonnie on a daily basis but she’s not a loud person in bed, at least not until she comes really hard and she loses control. That’s why when she cries out a loud moan, it startles me and makes me look up and around, stopping my ministrations. Yes, she grunts and it’s scary but I immediately make it up to her. Sorry.</p><p class="western">Afterwards, I sit a bit further and she leans on me pretty much exhausted. I don’t even want to imagine how much her back must hurt — mine for sure does.</p><p class="western">“That was good,” she smiles. Glad to see she isn’t mad at me, it wouldn’t be the first time. “Wow, that was so good.” Okay, it was pretty amazing. Car and all, everything was better than... “Better than last time for sure.” Yeah, way less angsty.</p><p class="western">“Sorry.”</p><p class="western">“Don’t be,” she says and kisses the crook of my neck before snuggling there. After all the nasty that have happened between us, I had almost forgotten this cute side of her. “I was a bitch to you.” That has sounded a bit too much to an apology, or am I crazy? That’s… nice.</p><p class="western">“I didn’t miss doing it in tiny spaces, though.” I can barely move.</p><p class="western">“Cars aren’t so bad, although it’s easier to have sex with guys.” Ew! Brain cells, I know I’ve mistreated you tonight but don’t you even dare giving me the image of Nayeon doing ugly things to Minho… No… No… EWEWEWEW!</p><p class="western">“I definitely didn’t need that mental picture, thank you.” Nayeon snorts and stretches in my arms. What’s on her…? Oh, I’m in trouble. Nayeon looks at me with a deep frown on her face.</p><p class="western">“What is it?”</p><p class="western">Like a strawberry, her chest is peppered with tiny dark red marks, some rounder, some depicting the exact form of teeth. My teeth. It does look pretty sexy, in my humble opinion, but Nayeon-eonnie’s absolutely horrified expression makes me think she doesn’t quite feel the same.</p><p class="western">“It wasn’t me!” I blurt out and instinctively try to stand, inevitably hitting my head on the ceiling of the car.</p><p class="western">“Son Chaeyoung!” Now, that was loud.</p><p class="western">“I’m sorry,” I say, rubbing the top of my head. In spite of the aesthetic value that the image of her chest covered by my marks may have for me, I reckon it’s going to be impossible to cover and that is a problem.</p><p class="western">“What am I gonna tell Minho now?” Her words make me wince. I hadn’t given this enough thought to understand she’s very likely to get more than intimate with Minho next. Not that it matters because I care about her sleeping with the guy… not much anyway, but because she’s going to resume her relationship with her even when she clearly doesn’t love him. Didn’t she say she was going to break up with him eventually? I… never mind, it’s up to her. “FUCK! Son Chaeyoung, I have to get back to the party as well, have you thought about that?!”</p><p class="western">“Tell them you got bitten by a hungry mosquito?” She throws a death glare at me. For a second I hold her stare, hoping I look innocent enough to earn her mercy but it was too much to ask. Before I can dodge her (if that’s possible in this reduced space) Nayeon’s hands are on me, on my sides and belly, moving fast and skillfully and I’m twisting and kicking. Tickles are a low blow! “Sorry, sorry!” I laugh out of breath. “Peace!”</p><p class="western">Leniency hasn’t always been her thing and yet she does stop and wraps her arms around me. Someone is feeling very affectionate tonight.</p><p class="western">“I guess this is what happens when you spend the night in the tiger’s den,” she giggles against my skin and separates a bit to look at me with a mischievous grin. “Or the baby cub’s.” That again. I’m not a baby!</p><p class="western">“Hey! I’m an adult.”</p><p class="western">“A very cute looking one.” Nayeon presses her lips on mine. After we broke up, I guessed and hoped that time would extinguish the desire but even carried on by a sweet kiss, soft caresses of her lips and tender nips, the embers don’t seem to snuff out.</p><p class="western">“We shouldn’t probably do this again, though,” I clear my throat and feel her sigh against my chin.</p><p class="western">“I know, I know.” Her nose strokes mine affectionately before she leans back on the opposite door. In this moment I realize we’ve closed the cycle, and I know she’s seen it as well. “I’m really sorry.” Appreciating truthfulness in her words is something that will never cease to amaze me. It suits her.</p><p class="western">“I know.”</p><p class="western">“Friends?” Long way we’ve come.</p><p class="western">“Of course, eonnie.”</p><p class="western">“Can we still cuddle for a bit, though?” I can’t keep a straight face, the mask would be too heavy. Instead, I offer a smile and open my arms. She scoots closer and snuggles in.</p><p class="western">Yes, there’s something very different in the intimacy we share after all the tears, all the pain, now that everything is clear between us. It’s not even the same as it was when we were dating and I thought everything was fine when it wasn’t. I admit finding out your first love, the girl with whom you shared every hope and vulnerability, never loved you back is not an easy pill to swallow, especially because it always felt that something was amiss but I could never pinpoint exactly what it was. Yet, I’ve come to the realization that at least she did care in some way — even if it wasn't enough. It’s difficult some times for me to accept it and I might need some reassurance a bit too often but I know I do deserve to find someone to love me back just as much as I love them, and fear not I will find her eventually.</p><p class="western">“The first time we did it, it was also in a car.” The memory has just jumped to my mind and I needed to verbalize it, even if that meant disrupting the moment.</p><p class="western">“Was it?” She sounds all drowsy, I bet she even has her eyes closed. Eonnie, it’s fine to have some rest but you can’t sleep on me right now. “No, we started in my car, ended up in my bed.”</p><p class="western">“Way more cozy.” I know I said there wouldn’t be any more sarcasm on my part but this is not the passive-aggressive and dismissive kind of sarcasm anyway.</p><p class="western">“This car is bigger.” Is it? Maybe a little bit.</p><p class="western">“Have you been any more comfortable, though?” Nayeon looks at me with a deep frown and we end up laughing. You don’t know and there’s not enough alcohol in the world for me to tell you in detail but this girl and I have got ourselves in some of the most bizarre situations of my life in the name of sex, or pleasure, or experimentation, whatever you want to call it. Always in private, however; this is the most public place we’ve ever had sex in — even the first time it started in a deserted parking lot, not in the middle of a central street. God forbid that we are caught red-handed, I would have a heart attack but Nayeon would implode like a nuclear bomb and everyone in a 30 km radius would die.</p><p class="western">“You did get to the purple line,” she says all of the sudden and kisses my forehead.</p><p class="western">My heart clenches. During the first stages of our relationship, when I was zealously willing to drench myself in anything gay-related, Nayeon used to joke with me about the rainbow to piss me off in a harmless way. Anyway, she also used to say that I was a<em> baby gay</em> that needed to walk many miles to keep up with adult life and it used to drive me crazy but now I understand what she meant. Maybe I am reaching too far and I’m the first person to admit I still have a long way to learn, I don’t believe you can ever stop doing so and that’s the most beautiful part of growing up, but recently I think I’ve taken a big step to finally be myself and allow those around me to love me by who I am. Why was I telling you this? Ah, right — I still remember the night I found out my dad was going to get married to Miss Minatozaki. It might surprise you to know I’m generally not a person who cries as a way to express I’m not feeling well but that night I did — oh boy, that night I wept like a baby. The atmosphere at home was already pretty tense but there was something about their announcement that made it sink: it was going to be a permanent situation, there was no way to escape it. I was already constantly fighting against myself to keep my relationship with Nayeon in secret because I know it wouldn’t be well received at home, but that night for the first time I felt lonely and absolutely hopeless so of course I went to my only safe place to just cry my heart out. Nayeon-eonnie had a test a couple of days later but still she took me in and cuddled me until I stopped weeping — that night she assured me nothing was going to be the same as it was in that moment forever, that life and grief of any kind has stages, like the colors of the rainbow, and that one day soon I would finally reach my purple line. Now that day has arrived and I can’t believe she remembers that.</p><p class="western">“Can I ask you a favor, eonnie?”</p><p class="western">“Of course, what is it?”</p><p class="western">“Don’t be like that with me again, please.” She knows what I mean, so she exhales and twists uncomfortable. I don’t let her go, however. “Just be like this. This is the way you really are.”</p><p class="western">“Being fucked up is the real me,” she snorts and tries to play it as a joke but she can’t even hold my gaze.</p><p class="western">“No, you’re not.” Self-deprecation doesn’t suit her, Nayeon is many things but one of her charms is her confidence, I will not allow her to fall into meekness. Not her. “You get out of control when you feel insecure. Don’t be, you’re awesome.”</p><p class="western">We just stare at each other for a long time, probably more than we ought to since people are waiting for us. Yet we don’t care — this is meaningful, this is important, this moment, right now. Nayeon-eonnie takes a deep breath and fixes a stray strand behind my ear.</p><p class="western">“I’m sorry I hurt you,” she murmurs and presses her lips together. She’s tense again. Why is she always so tense? I trap her hand and kiss the back of it before tangling our fingers. Her hand has always been way bigger than mine.</p><p class="western">“Just don’t do it again.” I was going to keep the tiny gestures going but she suddenly wraps me in a tight embrace and I just give in. “I love you… just remember that.”</p><p class="western">“I love you too, Chaengie.” She kisses the top of my head and hold my hand again to play with my fingers. “Hey, is that a new tattoo on your wrist?”</p><p class="western">Both of us have a tiny heart attack when we suddenly can’t find her dress, only to realize soon after it has slid under the car pedals and it was blending with the rug. We get ready and grab the wine in time to accompany the guy who was bringing the jokbal. If anyone notices our long absence, they don’t mention it.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western"> </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0015"><h2>15. In which this calls for an intervention. Chaeyoung.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">They totally noticed our 45 minutes long absence to retrieve a few bottles of wine from the trunk and maybe a couple of hickeys that Nayeon’s dress didn’t cover as well. Or at least Tzuyu did and told Dahyun, who has probably scheduled an intervention for <span>this evening</span> since she’s been hangover from the party for half a week and today it’s the first time she looks more or less alive again. Not that I’m happy for her suffering but at least that has given me some time to organize my life and thoughts before confronting them. First of all, I’ve dyed my hair back to black — March is already here and I’ve associated blonde with a not very nice start of the new year, so I’ve decided this year starts officially in March. Don’t worry, I already have plans for my next dye, I’ll just let my scalp rest for a bit. Secondly and most importantly, I’ve flushed my excuses down the toilet and I’ve accepted to go to the gym with my new mentors: Jeongyeon and Momo-eonnie. Everything hurts, I’m so out of shape — and if you believe everything starts and ends at the gym, you don’t know the least bit. After training it is when my dance practice with Momo starts. <em>For cardio</em>, she says. So now four to five days a week I vomit my lungs while Jihyo-eonnie does squats and Tzuyu insults the men that approach her <span>on</span> the treadmill. Sometimes Nayeon helps her but my friend has grown even more savage towards her lately and by the end of the week the poor girl decided to take a break and mind her business.</p><p class="western"><span>So, as I was saying, it i</span>s on this weekend when Dahyun stops feeling sick as ever and The School Meal Club reunites right after dance practice with Momo. Actually, Dahyun hasn’t come to the gym for obvious reasons but she has made an exception on Saturday afternoon. She comes inside after Momo leaves me panting for my life, lying on the ground with a bottle of water next to the remains of my corpse, to scold Jeongyeon — she has made a TWICE group chat and it’s already <span>drivi</span>ng everybody insane. Anyway, we were talking about my intervention and how wrong <span>I was</span> to think it could wait until after dinner.</p><p class="western">“We need to talk.” Exactly what I’ve just said. Dahyun and I are bros for a reason.</p><p class="western">By now you must have guessed that Tzuyu has never been the number one fan of my relationship with Nayeon and in fact, she was pretty relieved when we broke up — she tried to hide her joy and stick to comforting me but it was too obvious. Hence, you and I can imagine the tone of her <span>story</span> when she told Dahyun. I know what they’re going to say, the way they’re going to yell at me and every single one of her questions, and so I try to get it out of the way.</p><p class="western">“Yes, it happened. No, it won’t repeat, it was a one time thing. Yes, we’<span>ve decided to be friends and move on with our lives</span>.” My friends give me twin stern looks of disapproval, probably at my attitude but really, they’re going to overthink everything and I’m not doing it this time. Let’s not complicate the situation, it happened, we had fun, now it’s over.</p><p class="western">“Ok, ok, aggressive much?” Dahyun kicks my leg softly before sitting down beside me.</p><p class="western">Looking at them from the ground, I take a few seconds to breathe and swallow any explanation I could give them. There’s no point in dwelling into something irrelevant — well, no, it was important although not in the way they would be prone to believe. I just pull softly from the hem of Dahyun’s shirt, inviting her to lay down next to me and she does. Even Tzuyu joins us, after she’s grabbed a yoga mat, of course.</p><p class="western">“We cool?” Nobody is looking at anybody in particular, only to the lights on the ceiling, enjoying this moment of solitude and calm we haven’t really had in months. What a hectic year.</p><p class="western">“If you say everything is fine…” I can’t see Tzuyu but she does hold my hand. <span>If only people knew how tender and sensitive she can be… I think she’d </span><span>prefer </span><span>nobody knows. This way she might be pushing away some valuable people but she’s always </span><span>liked</span><span> sticking to the few most valuable </span><span>better</span><span>, even if that means being a bit lonely. </span></p><p class="western">At some point, I need to break the quietness. They deserve that much, they’re my School Meal club after all and yeah, they can be very annoying and assuming sometimes but they’re my best friends and they love me, unconditionally.</p><p class="western">“Really, it was just… comfort, I guess.”</p><p class="western">“You ok?” At the end of the day, that’s all they care about: me.</p><p class="western">“Yeah.” I nudge Dahyun’s side and entwine my fingers with Tzuyu’s. “Let’s just say it was just an overwhelming night for the both of us.”</p><p class="western">And that is enough. No demands, no further questions nor <span>trying to make me doubt</span> my decisions — they just lie there with me in absolute silence, thinking about it? Probably, but I do get it’s not the normal procedure to get over your ex and that there are so much information missing for them so I allow them the time to process it. Wow, I’ve think I’m starting to grow up, guys. I kind of like the feeling, although not so much the fact that I’m starting to sound like a guru on drugs lately.</p><p class="western">“Do you ever feel like… trapped with someone else?” Talking about weird spiritual stuff. Dahyun seems to have been doing some reckoning herself.</p><p class="western">“Like…?”</p><p class="western">“Like you are just running and running around the other but never meeting.” That’s deep, man.</p><p class="western">“Yeah, but it’s just me running after Mina-eonnie and I tend to trip on my own feet and fall face first to the floor.” I snort but none of them giggle in reaction, I didn’t expect this conversation to get so serious all of the sudden.</p><p class="western">“Weren’t you over her?” Dahyun suddenly asks. At that Tzuyu does release a loud cackle!</p><p class="western">Feelings, whatever they are or how deep they are, are complicated. They’re not static nor fluid, they are more like a continuum that keeps evolving. What I have for Mina-eonnie it’s intense but not deep, pulling but not jailing — if I compare it to the time I was in love with Nayeon, it’s like the first excitement I felt when we started dating but love is not that. Yeah, having the hots for someone and starting to care a bit too much gives you a rush of adrenaline that is very attractive as an experience but I came to the realization that what makes me really be in love with <em>love</em> is the intimacy and I don’t have any of that with Mina-eonnie because I was able to stop in time and distance myself before getting my heart mercilessly broken.</p><p class="western">“I am getting there, it’s just taking a bit.” What I don’t understand is why she would feel th- No way! Not again, Dahyun-ah! “Wait… is this about Jimin?”</p><p class="western">“No!” she rushes to answer, maybe a bit too eagerly. “It’s not about…” she sighs and takes a deep breath, covering her eyes with her arm before continuing, “...anyone in particular, it’s just a feeling.” Something is not right. She’s not being honest with us and I can’t understand the reason. I look to the other side and I can see in Tzuyu’s eyes that she’s worried too. “Forget it, it was stupid.”</p><p class="western">“I think I know what you mean.” Yoda then says. “It’s annoying.”</p><p class="western">“It is, isn’t it?” Suddenly, Dahyun <span>sounds</span> so excited, understood.</p><p class="western">“Like the more it keeps going, the more you hate that person not because they’ve done anything to you, but you keep being dragged to them for whatever reason. You might not even know them, really, but it drives you crazy.”</p><p class="western">“Or you know them too much,” I add.</p><p class="western">“Or never enough,” Dahyun murmurs. “You just keep wanting more and more.” What a good name for a summer song.</p><p class="western">Something is missing, I’ve not been paying attention. Am I doing a good job as their friend? I’ve been focusing so much on myself and my problems that I feel like I’ve left them and their needs unattended and it breaks my heart to think that they might feel like they can’t talk to me anymore.</p><p class="western">“<span>Watching</span> them suffer is spiritually healing…” Goodness, Tzuyu-yah...</p><p class="western">“Well, that’s a bit extreme,” Dahyun laughs.</p><p class="western">“Ironic, mostly.” Tzuyu’s brain is the biggest unsolved mystery of this Earth along with if Atlantis was really in Mauritania. “So confusing.” She shakes her head lightly and then nuzzles my shoulder. One minute creepy and sadistic like a killer, the next one cute and soft like a puppy.</p><p class="western">“I swear I’d like to live inside Yoda’s mind for a day.” She tickles my side, earning a loud squeal.</p><p class="western">“Oh! I didn’t know you were here,” a voice I know all too well <span>appears from thin air</span>.</p><p class="western">I don’t understand why I even bother looking above Dahyun in the direction of the door, it’s not like I expected anyone but Mina-eonnie watching us leaning on the frame. Ponytails fit her so well, she has the loveliest ears.</p><p class="western">“Hi, eonnie.” Tzuyu raises her hand but doesn’t stand. It’s not a defense but we don’t either — I’m still dead and Dahyun… What’s up with her? Any other day she’d be the first one to stand, fix her clothes and bow with a wide smile. Instead, she only turns to her side and pats a spot on the ground beside her.</p><p class="western">“Come join us in the Hell of unfit people,” she says. It would have been a bit odd that Mina agreed but she doesn’t, she just giggles and shakes her hand to decline the offer. She’s not an unfit person, however, her body is pretty much athletic and stylized. Her bottom in particular is obviously worked on… Let’s not go there.</p><p class="western">“Actually, I was hoping Chaeyoung-ah could help me with a thing with my camera settings.” Huh? Did I hear my name?</p><p class="western">“Well, I don’t feel them but I think I still have legs so I technically should be able to walk.” My will to help has never been stronger than my body’s capability before this day. Well, I’ve managed to go from lying like a corpse to sitting, that’s a step in the right direction. “I need to take a shower first, though.”</p><p class="western">“I don’t mind waiting,” she replies with a smile and steps back. “I’ll be in the Starbucks crossing the street.”</p><p class="western">“I’ll hurry then.” Ouch! Why am I like this? I’ve just tried to get on my feet looking all cool and disaffected and I’ve only managed to make a fool of myself by tripping like a newborn deer.</p><p class="western">“It’s ok, take your time.”</p><p class="western">That’s what she says, but I do hurry anyway. No, it’s not because it’s Mina-eonnie but because despite what my mother, Master Yoda or the tofu from Hell might tell you, I’ve always hated to be the person that makes everybody else lose their time, especially when you’ve decided to meet at a specific hour. Sana-eonnie can’t relate, she always takes forever to get ready and manages to be always late, even if it’s only <em>a bit</em> late.</p><p class="western">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p class="western">When I leave the building, the cold weather hits me like a truck. Don’t tell my mom I didn’t dry my hair properly — if I had been in less of a hurry, I wouldn’t be freezing to death now. The cold wind bites and jabs in every part of my skin it manages to take a hold on. At least the way to the cafeteria is not long and there’s not much suffering I have to endure before I finally see her. Mina, already sitting there, stirring her americano while flicking through her phone. Was I to be still an infatuated person, I would stay a couple of minutes at the door, unnoticed, only watching the beautiful scene before me. But I’m not and I don’t.</p><p class="western">“Sorry <span>I made you wait</span>.” I hang my coat on the backrest of the chair in front of hers and my bag on the floor. Mina rises her head and her eyes wander around my face before smiling and plainly asking:</p><p class="western">“A coffee?” I don’t think caffeine will do any good to me right now. I’m focused already, enough to realize.</p><p class="western">“You don’t have your camera with you?” I point out still warming my hands to warm them.</p><p class="western">“Actually, it was more of a theoretical question.”</p><p class="western">That’s somewhat unexpected. No, that didn’t sound <span>the way</span> I meant it — I am a serious student, believe me, and I always try my very best but I tend to shine more in the practical field. Hence, my surprise when Mina <span>wants</span> me from all people to solve a question about theory. What can I know or understand that she doesn’t anyway? You don’t know Mina, she’s brilliant, truly. With the proper motivation she needs little to no guide on her subjects.</p><p class="western">“Sure, shoot.” Still, I do my best to help her.</p><p class="western">We do talk about photography… for a bit. It’s weird because I could swear she has been the one to answer some of these questions in class before. There’s one in particular I remember clearly because that day she wore a purple turtleneck that complimented her shape very well and even though the teacher was being particularly boring that morning, I couldn’t space out. Then, she releases the cavalry.</p><p class="western">“Your stepmom must be very proud of you.” The sudden comment catches me off guard. She notices, of course, and quickly explains herself. “Japanese moms tend to appreciate a little bit too much academic success.”</p><p class="western">“I guess…” As I didn’t have a mom, it wasn’t exactly my case but I do remember Dahyun and Sinb’s legs full of bruises in high school after their moms literally sat beside them with a stick to hit them if they ware being ‘lazy’. “It’s not that different here in Korea, I don’t think.”</p><p class="western">“Jihyo is very proud of you as well,” she giggles with a gummy smile, succeeding in making me blush fiercely. “Your guys are their children.”</p><p class="western">“They did adopt us,” I agree.</p><p class="western">“Did you meet her and Jeongyeon-eonnie first or Nayeon-eonnie?” My eyes open widely, like I’m a deer caught in the headlights. Where is she driving at exactly? Why this sudden interest? Answer something! Anything!</p><p class="western">“I was friends with Nayeon-eonnie first.” A gulp. The cafe is way too hot, I’m sweating.</p><p class="western">“I see.” Mina brings her cup to her mouth and sips quietly. Right when I think she’s had enough with this third degree, she continues: “How did you meet, though?” What… Like… No, Chaeyoung, focus. I don’t understand what she wants to know exactly or why, for that matter. She’s not just trying to make some small talk, her eyes are sparkling with <span>genuine</span> interest but why? “She’s older than you by two years.” Now I know what Sana-eonnie meant by ‘invasive questions’.</p><p class="western">“Uh… I can’t remember.” Except I do, I do remember pretty well — from the moment she smiled at me in the hallway of the main building for the first time to that party where she caught up with me in the bathroom line and boldly typed her number on my phone. The stolen glances, hidden smirks, subtle touches… One would think things would only be like that on the first stages of a relationship but it was the same from the first day to the last, with the only difference that the playful light faded away and all that was left was exhaustion.</p><p class="western">Yes, I try to deceive Mina, because I don’t want the conversation to go that way, because I don’t want her to know more than she should. Not even Sana-eonnie does, not that I know at least, although I sincerely doubt Nayeon-eonnie has told her much. I’m still surprised she’s told her anything at all! No, telling more would imply to show Sana a vulnerability she was already reluctant to show me during all our relationship. Mina makes a face, a sort of frown and a quiver of her lips, dangerously close to disappointment. Maybe she knows I’m lying, maybe I am that transparent.</p><p class="western">“Are you ok?” I have to ask.</p><p class="western">“Me?” Her eyes open wide, showing her surprise. “Yeah, why?”</p><p class="western">“You’re being talkative.”</p><p class="western">“And that’s wrong?” she replies in a harsh tone, hostile, even. I didn’t expect that.</p><p class="western">“No! No, no. I just meant it like-<b>”</b></p><p class="western">“I know,” she interrupts me. Her eyes travel to her coffee and silence falls like a stone on us. It’s not the usual comfortable quietness between us, this time it’s thick and suffocating. Finally, she speaks. “I know.” Huh? “It’s just… Chaeyoungie, I know it.”</p><p class="western">“What exactly?”I’m sure I am missing something here but I have no idea what it could be.</p><p class="western">“About you and Nayeon-eonnie.” My heart pounds against my rib cage and it hurts, like a spear going through and through, quick but not clean. Am I having a heart attack? I can’t breathe. Shit! I can’t breather. “Sehun and I went for a walk that night at the river and kinda… saw you… kissing?” On the river? What river? Oh, that day! Oh boy… When? How? Oh boy… “So you are…? No.” Mina looks troubled, in thought. She shakes her head and tries to find a better set of words. “Chaeyoung-ah, she has a boyfriend. I know you like her but that can’t end well.” I… wh-? I feel dizzy. “I know this is not what you want to hear but I’m your friend and… Chaeyoung-ah?” After all these years being cautious, after so many lies and tears — I guess following the rules doesn’t guarantee bad things won’t happen. Can this even be considered something bad, however? It was our fault, really, only ours. I wish I could say we were as careful as always but I was a bit too drunk to be aware of my surroundings and Nayeon was crying so much… Should I play it like that, like it was a meaningless drunken kiss and it had never happened before? Geez… Nayeon can’t find out about this, she’d freak out. “You look really pale.”</p><p class="western">Yet the worst part is this, that Mina is right here at the other side of the table, looking at me with her big dark eyes and waiting for an answer that I can’t give her, that I don’t want to give her. Will she think any less of me? Maybe she’ll go back and give new meaning to my stares and friendly comments. Will she be repulsed? At the very least she’ll think of them as disrespectful and that’s not something I can’t handle right now.</p><p class="western">“I… think I’ll have that coffee after all.”</p><p class="western">I turn around and ask for my drink, both because I need something to bring up my blood pressure and because I need to stop feeling the weight if her eyes on me even if it’s only for a second. It is only after I’ve downed half of it in one go and the bitterness of the grains have scorched my tongue that Mina keeps asking questions.</p><p class="western">“So… you’re gay?” It seems like I won’t have any choice.</p><p class="western">Swallowing the knot inside my throat, I move uncomfortable in my chair and lick my dry lips.</p><p class="western">“I may need another coffee,” I murmur but the cup isn’t even empty.</p><p class="western">“I’m not…!” Suddenly Mina raises her voice but hesitates mid-sentence and falls silent again. “Sorry, that was odd to ask.” She shakes her head and finishes her own drink. “You did have an interest on Nayeon-eonnie after all, I’m sorry.”</p><p class="western">“No, I… I am.” There it is, I said it. Oh, boy, I’ve just come out to my crush… How do I feel like I’m falling down when I’m sitting? “Is that ok?” I ask, holding back my tears. Mina’s eyes twitch, she squints for a second and makes a grimace the meaning of I can’t understand.</p><p class="western">“Why wouldn’t it be?” she sounds… sad, somehow.</p><p class="western">“Some people would be disgusted,” I try to explain.</p><p class="western">“Some people are stupid.” Just like that, Mina snaps. Her tone is crass and steely, nothing compared to her usual tenderness and delicacy. However, her soft light comes back as soon as she realizes my surprise. Her countenance relaxes, a tiny smile appears on her lips and her hand reaches mine to caress it ever so slightly. “You’re just you, Chaeyoungie, and you are amazing.” My heart flutters and there’s a strange sensation in my belly, not an unpleasant one. Oh-oh.“So… Nayeon-eonnie, huh?” She gives me a look. Not any look, <em>a look.</em></p><p class="western">“Oh! No, no! That was…”</p><p class="western">“She’s very pretty,” Mina articulates a teasing smile I never thought she’d be capable of. I have to admit it’s very attractive.“<span>You took your time the other day</span>.” Just like that, I choke on my own saliva and cough for my life. I’m dead and buried.</p><p class="western">“That was n-” I was going to try to deny it but Mina doesn’t look like she’s going to take bullshit. “It’s a long story.”</p><p class="western">“I’m all ears.” How cute is she, for real?</p><p class="western">“We dated for a while in the past but had a <span>nasty</span> fall out,” I calmly explain. The whole story is a bit complicated to resume during a coffee date, I believe, but it will have to suffice. “We just… we finally closed that chapter recently, that’s all.” I take a deep breath and lean back on my chair, eyes fixed on the table to avoid Mina’s intense stare. If she’s evaluating me or just very interested in my story with Nayeon, I can’t really tell but it’s making me very self-conscious. “She was a bit down so we got to have an honest conversation.”She does quirk an eyebrow but doesn’t add a thing.</p><p class="western">There’s a short moment of quietness. Mina mimics me and leans back on her chair, except she does it much more elegantly and doesn’t look like a rug thrown on a seat. When I finally dare to look at her in the eye, the kindness on her face takes me aback. I don’t know why, though — she’s Mina, she’s an angel.</p><p class="western">“It’s very nice of you to care about her like that even if she broke your heart,” she says in her usual soft voice.</p><p class="western">“Why do you think she did?<b>”</b></p><p class="western">“Am I wrong?” Mina quirks an eyebrow, daring me to say otherwise. I stay quiet, disarmed by how transparent I suddenly feel before her. Then Mina purses her lips and caresses her chin with her fingertips. “I wonder if I could do the same.”</p><p class="western">“Ah, if Sehun messes with your heart I’ll kick his ass so you don’t even have to look at him again, Minari.” It’s a joke, a bitter one. Okay, maybe only half a joke and I do try to hide the acrimony with a sugary musicality. It takes Mina aback but it makes her laugh and at this point I do officially surrender to this feeling and accept it is enough, even if it’s painful.</p><p class="western">“Is that a promise?” she giggles.</p><p class="western">“Of course.” And I mean it.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next chapter on October 5th!</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0016"><h2>16. Because if it’s said in the circle, stays in the circle. Sana.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Next update on October 20th!</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">Something is off, I can feel it in my bones. It’s the way she keeps staring without seeing, the tension on her lips and jaw while we stay in silence, next to each other yet not together. She’s far away. Let’s be honest, Mitang isn’t precisely the most normal person you’ll ever encounter — she’s quiet and reclusive, the biggest introvert you will ever meet, and that’s exactly how we like her. This time it’s different, however. After a couple of weeks or so of unusual chattiness and energy to socialize and make conversation, Mitang has gone back to her bubble, more quiet and reclusive than I’ve seen her before.</p><p class="western">Today I’ve decided to join them on her dance practice with Chae and Momoring. My objective is double: try to cheer her up and also satisfy my curiosity. She’s better than I expected, actually — I mean, Chaeyoung does have swift moves and some sense of rhythm but dancing in a club isn’t the same as <em>dancing</em>, you know what I mean? The practice has gone pretty well, all things considered. We’ve been dancing along a hip Beyoncé’s song for a while but now Mitang and I have been allowed to rest, a luck poor Chaeyoungie has not been granted with. She’s still chained to Momo, following the moves she tries to teach her once and again, moves that she makes look so easy I understand her frustration when she can’t copy them accurately. I almost pity her, her knees are shaking by now. Momoring’s a savage.</p><p class="western">“She’s so tiny she looks like a baby Bambi,” I giggle when she almost trips on her own feet, resembling a new born baby deer.</p><p class="western">“Come on, don’t pick on her, she’s doing well,” Nayeon-eonnie playfully slaps my shoulder as she passes behind us. Then, she sits next to me and gets comfortable against my body.</p><p class="western">“She’s getting good at it,” I concede but only because it’s the truth. You have to be really clumsy to train with Momo and still be unable to improve.</p><p class="western">“It’s so unfair sometimes it gets annoying.”</p><p class="western">Our eyes dart to the source of that soft voice. The fact that it was barely a murmur and also Nayeon’s twin face of surprise confirm I haven’t misheard it. Since when does Mina have a problem with Chaeyoung? I never thought I would hear anything remotely close to a mean comment coming from her lips. Mina’s nice at all times, even if someone is pissing her off (and, trust me, they do), but her tone right now… it’s harsh. Chaeyoungie didn’t mention anything at all, did she? No, if Mina had got mad at her, she’d probably have spent the day crying in bed.</p><p class="western">“What exactly?” the older girl dares to ask, tactfully.</p><p class="western">“She’s so fearless,” and she ends it with the most tired sigh. “She’s able to make a choice just like that, even if it means stepping away from her comfort zone, and she runs with it.” Yeah, that’s Son Chaeyoung. Once she has set her mind on something, she’ll get to the bottom of it, even if it takes her months or years. That’s the main reason why I never believed her when she said she was over Mina, she can’t just give her up, the way she keeps throwing glances at her say that much. If she doesn’t start concentrating on her moves, she’ll meet angry Momo and that’s not going to be a good ride.</p><p class="western">“She’s always been brave as a lioness,” Nayeon chuckles with pride, almost.</p><p class="western">Ah, how complicated. It’s been three to four months already since I found out about my step sister and Nayeon-eonnie and I’ve really done my best to be able to separate it from my friendship with Nayeon because I care about her and I know things aren’t always easy and these relationships are even more complicated. I’ve tried to be understanding even if the memories of a broken Chaeyoung are still fresh in my mind because that girl who made her fall in the sticky pit of sadness and the one that offered a hand and tended do my soul when it was raw and bleeding are the same person. Because my Nayeon is still my Nayeon, my friend, and that hasn’t changed because now I know there are things about her I don’t know. The fact that she has many secrets is not really something that takes me by surprise, she’s a very private person and for good reason. Furthermore, I’m very aware she’s definitely not a saint. Despite everything, however, this time I don’t hold back my sneer. Believe me when I say I’m sorry but I can’t shake the feeling she talks too brightly of the girl for someone who didn’t hesitate to break her heart — she could have been this caring and considerate before making her miserable. No, that’s not entirely… I shouldn’t judge, I’m nobody to judge. Nayeon has always been a good eonnie and I don’t know what went down. It’s just that thinking back now I remember the hostility of Chaeyoung towards her and how everything seems to have changed in a minute and nothing makes sense at all — Nayeon’s attitude isn’t coherent with what I saw, that Chaeyoung kissed her is beyond my understanding.</p><p class="western">“And on top of all,” Mina continues, “...you can’t even hold onto anything to envy her because when she’s with you she makes you feel so…”</p><p class="western">“…special,” the three of us finish in unison.</p><p class="western">There she is, dancing her lungs out, trying her best to coordinate every contraction and extension of worn-out muscles, to make her moves as smooth as Momo’s even though she knows that’s impossible. But she never gives up, does she? Oh, that’s a patch on her shoulder, I can’t believe she’s got yet another tattoo. Is she dealing with cocaine? Where does she get the money for all of those?</p><p class="western">Two pair of intense dark eyes are observing me, every shade in my stare, every crease on my frown, every move of my lips. Her head tilts and her mouth opens in a surprised but contained gap. In that moment I know — Nayeon has figured it out. Nayeon knows something’s going on, she only needed to connect the dots after everything... after… Oh, shit! Nayeon knows! Has Mina realized as well? My heart stops and every inch my neck moves until I can face my friend feels like something is slitting my throat from the inside but she’s not paying attention to us, she’s too busy absorbed by the dance practice. Oh! Fuck! What am I going to do now? Should I deny it? I don’t think she’ll believe me if I do.</p><p class="western">The music stops.</p><p class="western">“What are you doing here, eonnie?” Momo wipes the sweat from her face with a small towel and accepts the water bottle that Nayeon-eonnie offers her.</p><p class="western">“Came to see you, obviously.” Nayeon blows her a kiss and Momo scoffs so hard she chokes on the water and starts coughing. “Wanna go grab dinner tonight?”</p><p class="western">“Sure,” Chaeyoungie pants. It’s so obvious she’s trying not to look at Mina that it’s getting painful. For everyone.</p><p class="western">“Can’t.” Right, Hana, Momo’s sister, is visiting this week. She could come along, however, but I say nothing because I have a much better idea. Things are getting messier and messier and something needs to happen, we only need a chance and she needs a small push.</p><p class="western">“Eonnie, we said we would practice our lines for the play tonight, have you forgotten?” Nayeon turns to look at me. Her face shows no feeling but her eyes squint slightly. She will go along with my charade, I know. “Mina and Chaeng should go, though.” The two of them suddenly look at me at the mention of their names and I respond with the widest smile I can draw. “There’s this sushi bar that I need some trust-worthy reviews about…” I could hope I won’t regret this but it would be useless.</p><p class="western">
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  <br/>
</p><p class="western">We don’t rehearse for the play because the play is coming out in June and the further we’ve got so far is finding the right shade of pink for my character’s hair — mom freaked out with the flashy bubblegum one but she seems to like this soft version that blends with the blond strands. What I mean is that there’s no need to worry about that now, we have other things in mind like exams, sisters or friends. We end up going to a restaurant, though, the usual one — the one in the tiny and scary alley that is so cute and classy inside. So private, so Nayeon. That’s what I’ve always liked the most about her, with her there’s no danger. When was the first time we came here? Maybe early last year. March? It could be March. Don’t think wrong, it wasn’t a date, she was already dating Minho by then but we needed a space where we could talk unafraid of our conversation being overheard, just like tonight.</p><p class="western">The first time I met Nayeon-eonnie was during my first year in South Korea. I had barely started college and joined the Dance Club and at the time she wasn’t the popular Im Nayeon, nor Nayeon-eonnie. She was the girl that I always caught watching our rehearsals from afar. Little did I know then that the quiet girl that kept hiding from us would become so relevant in my life. Nobody would have guessed it, truth be told — it might not look like it but Im Nayeon is an introvert. Yes, she may get along with everyone, teachers included, and be admired, idolized even in the faculty, but not many can reach her. Make no mistake, this is because she doesn’t want you to, of course. She needs her space, her cave to recharge. She doesn’t dislike being with people but at the end of the day, contrary to what happens to me, for example, it takes a toll on her. Of course, you would never know because she’s so cheerful, you’d see her goofing around and think she’s a people’s person. She’s so kind she cannot say no to a conversation if someone wants to talk to her even if she’s dying inside. That is what genuinely drew my attention at first, her kindness.</p><p class="western">For a couple of years we didn’t get to know each other very well. While it was true we had shared a few classes here and there and had a cordial classmate relationship, that was about it until life took a 360 degrees change, like totally different… Wait, that’s not right, is it? Never mind, you get the gist of it. It was around the time I started to get closer to Jihyo and Jeongyeon. We used to hang out a lot but Nayeon barely joined us since she had a new boyfriend and she was spending more and more time with him and his friends, according to the girls. It was not a good moment for the three of them, let me tell you. Anyway, my friendship with the girls grew till we became close, and one day Nayeon snapped from her lovey dovey slumber and became a constant in their lives again, and this time in mine as well. She would join us to go to the karaoke, for a coffee, to drink and go clubbing. She was everywhere at all times, and she went from the girl who watched us, to the girl who drank with us, to the girl who danced with me, to the girl I was suddenly kissing when she dropped me off in her car after a night out. While it wasn’t the first time I… forget that, the thing is that I had never done that… in South Korea. It wasn’t even so long ago although it feels like ancient history, and several months later, here I am, sitting in front of her pouring out words so honest again that this moment, like so many others, makes my entire life feel like a lie. At some point hanging out with Nayeon started feeling like taking off your heels after a long night, only it’s not shoes, it’s the mask you keep hiding behind. Nevertheless, tonight is different somehow. Tonight I’m not only being sincere, I’m opening my heart and letting all the fears and insecurities walk out in a parade. I’m breaking the state of secrecy between us, although it’s only fair since she did it last time telling me about Chaeyoung.</p><p class="western">Sometimes I feel like I can tell things to Nayeon that I can’t even tell to Momo, not because Momoring would judge me in any way but because she’s so pure she would never be able to understand. Nayeon-eonnie, on the other side, she’s lived and she’s done a lot of things, similar stuff to mine. Our secrets bear similar roots, so to speak. It feels safe, and so I decide it is a good idea to talk about her. Chaeyoung. There’s no point in hiding my concerns anymore, she’s sensed them, right there in my eyes when we were talking. She has just needed a look and she has seen it in my gaze, maybe a similar shine to the one she used to sport and that’s why she has known immediately. I don’t know, I don’t even know if there’s anything there to decipher to begin with.</p><p class="western">Sometimes it feels like love. Sometimes it’s sisterhood. Sometimes it feels like the purest friendship. Have you ever had a friend for whom you care about so much you just want to protect them at all cost? But this friend is making very poor choices in their life and they know it, they even ask for help but instead of listening they just keep making the exact same mistakes — or what’s worst, promising themselves they’re going to quit that bad choices’ streak or toxic behavior and they just keep falling into it again and again and again, and all you want to do is locking them in the higher tower, guarded by a dragon so they can stop hurting themselves or at least slap some sense into them yet all you can do is watching them trip and fall and keep bleeding. Such is my frustration, I don’t know which one I prefer to be happening anymore: to be in love with her or to love her.</p><p class="western">“Why are you making it so complicated?” she asks, taking a sip of her wine as she leans back on her chair. I know, it should be something easy to tell apart, shouldn’t it? I just can’t give an honest and definitive answer to her questions, and it might be irritating to her but I assure you it is way more to me. “You have just sent her to have a date with Mina, are you jealous?” Uh… I don’t know? I know it hurts but it’s not like I’d rather have her here, especially not in a night like this. Although it could be because I’ve never seen Mina as a threat or anything but a princess. Maybe because she’s dating a guy? I can’t tell if it’s that or because what hurts me about what’s going on between them is that it’s putting Chaeyoung under so much pain. Nayeon-eonnie clicks her tongue and moves aside both her cup and the bottle to have a clear vision of me. “Yes or no, do you want her? Like want-want, want to fuck her.”</p><p class="western">“I know I’ve been…” I take a deep breath and try not to faint while I’m speaking, “...physically attracted to her but, I mean, she’s pretty and I’m too lonely lately.”</p><p class="western">“I can vouch for that,” she can’t hold the chuckle so I softly kick her under the table, earning a scowl.</p><p class="western">“Eonnie, I’m being serious.”</p><p class="western">“Me too!” she defends herself, reaching down to rub the sore spot. Then, she recovers her composure and leans a bit closer to me. Her hand barely rubs the tip of my fingernails as she lowers her voice and says: “I told you you could call me again whenever.”</p><p class="western">“Stop it,” I sigh and retreat my hand. Out of habit, I fold my arms in front of my chest and shake my head slowly. “It’s already pretty violent knowing you and her…”</p><p class="western">“And <em>you </em>and her,” she counter-attacks.</p><p class="western">“Nothing happened!” I wince, realizing I’ve raised my voice. Nayeon-eonnie looks around but nobody seems to be listening. “It was a drunk, blind kiss during BamBam’s party, that was all,” I whisper and down my cup of wine, ignoring the faint mist that starts clouding my head. She seems to be thinking of something when I knock her knew softly with my leg. “You should have told me, still.”</p><p class="western">“My mind wasn’t exactly there in any of the occasions.” Nayeon does the proper with her cup and offers me a careless shrug as she puts it down. “At first I didn’t even know<em> you</em> were the bitchy stepsister.” The<em> bitchy</em> step sister, I’m glad to know how Chaeyoung thinks of me although I guess I’ve earned such distinctive title. <em>“</em>Sana-yah,” Nayeon tries to grab my attention by calling my name. “Shocking news: underneath the mask of fancy suited workers, perfect students, ironed button-ups and skirts dancing in the wind, all people have desires and most of the time those are dark, sometimes even shameful.”</p><p class="western">Is she implying that my dark secrets are something to be ashamed of? I already have myself to say that.</p><p class="western">“Always so helpful.”</p><p class="western">“I’m not talking about you being gay, dummy.” She playfully hits my hand and starts neatly folding her napkin. “I’m talking about Chaeyoung.”</p><p class="western">“I am <em>not </em>gay and nothing happened nor will ever happen with her, period.” Such cleanliness on her part of the table is making me very anxious. She spends way too much time with Jeong.</p><p class="western">“Well, I yet have to see you looking at a man,” Nayeon doesn’t giggle, she plainly laughs at the face I make, and let me tell you it isn’t a soft laugh. It is loud and aggressive, a very distinctive sound. “Plus, there’s nothing wrong with liking women.”</p><p class="western">“I-”</p><p class="western">“If you open your mouth to tell me now that you don’t like women, I may have to remind you where said mouth has been.” Low blows aren’t allowed! Of course she has to top it by letting her eyes fall for a second, as if I hadn’t caught her drift right away. What a jerk, really, she thinks she’s so witty. If I had any doubt I needed a new fuck buddy… Not that we have had sex like… regularly or anything, and not even once since I learned about her past relationship with Chaeyoung. Well, maybe once but I was ovulating, she happened to be there and I don’t hold myself responsible of what my body does in that situation.</p><p class="western">“So because you have never seen me drooling over a guy now I have to be gay?”</p><p class="western">“No, it’s because you have never seen yourself even looking in the direction of a guy that happened to be there.”</p><p class="western">“You’re an asshole.”</p><p class="western">“You love me anyway so think whatever.” A self-centered asshole. Nevertheless, her mocking smile ends up dropping and her eyes finally drown me with her usual tenderness. Nayeon-eonnie finally reaches for my hand and caresses it with her thumb, pretending she’s looking at my wristband. “You like women, you might be gay or bi or whatever but not straight and you know it. What are you so afraid of?”</p><p class="western">“I don’t know,” I say and look at her right in the eye, “what are <em>you </em>so afraid of?”</p><p class="western">“I have no problem with it.” At that, I can’t help the snort.</p><p class="western">“Clearly.” I roll my eyes and fold my arms yet again. “How’s Minho, by the way?” This time, she seems to take my snark to heart.</p><p class="western">“People like to throw rocks at things that shine, does that sound like something you’d like?” No, it’s not. It’s something that terrifies me and haunts me in my worst nightmares. Then, Nayeon speaks again, voice calm and deep, printed with meaning and purpose. “But there’s a difference between this and trying to deny to yourself that you’re a goddamn motherfucking sun covered in glitter.”</p><p class="western">She holds my gaze, there’s no need to say anything else on the matter. I know what she means and she knows what I think, despite the odd extravagance that characterizes her, Nayeon-eonnie has always been pretty quick on the uptake, keeping arguing about it would be useless.</p><p class="western">“This doesn’t solve my problem,”</p><p class="western">“There’s no problem to solve.” If she gets existentialist now, I’ll stand up and go home.</p><p class="western">“Oh, great then.<b>”</b></p><p class="western">“Sana-yah.” This conversation might seem absolutely stupid. She has an opinion, I have another, and we keep trying to reach the other’s ears while words keep bouncing back. It’s all jabbering and yet, her tone and seriousness remind me this is not about her or what she believes is my truth, this is about me and Chaeyoung. “Whatever the nature of what you’re feeling is, it needs to stop.” My eyes drop to the table under the weight of truth. “Find a hobby, get a pet, pet another woman, whatever floats your boat but this. First of all, she’s obsessed with Mina and knowing how she is when she gets feelings, it will take more than the tale of a 3 months boyfriend to make the hope disappear from Chaeyoungland.”</p><p class="western">“What?<b>”</b></p><p class="western">“The world of fantasy she lives in, it’s a whole thing.”<em> A whole thing.</em> Their thing? I wish we had things like that, we are sisters after all. Right, sisters.<em> “</em>Anyway, secondly, even if there’s no blood involved, she’s your little sister, it can’t happen.”</p><p class="western">“I know.” I bite on the inside of my cheek but it’s tears what I’m trying to stop, not words. All that has to be said has been said, and while I don’t have an answer and every day I believe more and more that I will never have one, one thing is clear: I need to get over this.</p><p class="western">“Good.” Then silence. Who would have thought it would be heavier than words? One, just one tear escapes and drops. It falls, dragging wetness along with the fear that if it keeps going I won’t be able to stop the rest from raining down. She stops it, though. Right next to the corner of my mouth Nayeon catches the tear and caresses my cheek, briefly, because she knows if she keeps touching me I may break down in the middle of the restaurant. “Hey, I’m not admonishing you.”</p><p class="western">“I know,” I nod and take a deep breath, trying to swallow every reason for my problems and sorrow. “I just didn’t think it would sound harsher coming from someone else than it already sounds in my head.”</p><p class="western">Nayeon knows. Nayeon understands, somehow she understands. That’s her superpower, her gift, the way she’s able to see people and beyond. And beyond. With her you have nowhere to hide and that’s terrifying yet at the same time the biggest relief. Because even though I try my best, even if I put on my mask and my whole costume, she’ll always see me and she will always be a haven. </p><p> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0017"><h2>17. Because what the heart wants isn’t always what it needs. Sana.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>I'm sorry I missed the date, work has been hectic lately. I was on guard duty on Monday and after more than 30 hours awake I honestly didn't remember to upload the chapter.<br/>I hope you enjoy it. Again, sorry for the delay.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Thunders have always left me shivering on my spot, unable to move, think or do anything but crying. Is it the strength and reverberation of the sound what makes my system go crazy, my knees bend and my tears fall, or is it the lighting that comes afterwards, a sign of the rage above? While I know it can’t hurt me, it still affects me to the point of <span>becoming</span> a useless, sh<span>ak</span>ing mess. Although it’s not like this time I can put all the blame on the thunder, neither for my tears nor from my shivers — after a long and draining conversation with Nayeon, I had the <em>intelligent</em> idea of going for a walk on my own and now I’m trapped under the storm, scared and alone. Alone.</p><p class="western">Thunders are not the thing I’m most afraid of after all. Nobody knows this but my biggest fear is loneliness, ending up alone with nobody to care about me and to care for. With no one to love me. Rooftops can stop the rain from drenching me and even provide some <span>comfort</span> for the deafening roars of the thunders to seem less threatening, but there’s no way to escape loneliness. Every choice I make feels like a step further to that ominous end yet I can’t stop myself from making them — it’s like walking the same hallway all the time without rooms to enter, no corners to turn and no possibility of going back. There’s a wall that I can’t cross or overcome, I am trapped and I just want to scream to the top of my lungs, I just want this to end. I just want to be normal again.</p><p class="western">Was I ever, though? The more time passes, the more it seems like I’ve been born for this, like my fate is and has always been to be abandoned and rejected by everyone and anyone and that nothing I do will change it unless it is for the worse. Every step forward I take feels like I’m drowning deeper and deeper and I don’t seem to touch rock bottom. I’m starting to doubt there’s one at all, despite whatever Nayeon might say. She’s trying to be understanding because she cares, for now — it’s always for now. How can people go through their lives knowing everyone they love might go away, that the bond between them might seem strong but in reality it’s a thin thread and it would only take one event to cut it? Distance, disappointment, death, jealousy, even a packed schedule can become a blade sharp enough to lead you to… loneliness. It only takes a moment, a misunderstanding, a mistake. Human relationships are so fragile.</p><p class="western">Will I lose Chaeyoung too? Right when I thought I finally found a loving family, will she leave <span>as well</span> because of my confusion? I wonder how much it will hurt. Maybe if it’s as <span>agonizing</span> as it was last time, that will finally clear the doubt about the nature of my feelings — losing family is the most painful experience I’ve ever endured. I still remember my mother closing the door behind her, the sound of the small wheels of the luggage she carried against the wooden floor and the loud way in which they hit every step of the stairs, the hollow pit opening inside my chest and the blood pulsating in my neck. The sudden coldness and the feeling of something about my body dropping to the floor but I didn’t fall, I stood and watched through the door, through the window, cries dying inside my throat. At that time I didn’t think anything else could hurt more than that moment — sadly, I was wrong.</p><p class="western">“Sana-eonnie?”</p><p class="western">Tears fall warm down my cheeks and immediately freeze in contact with the winter breeze. The voice draws my attention, I didn’t expect to bump into anyone this late and far away from the faculty. My face must look puffy and horrible, yet the worry about being seen this way by a random colleague flees out the window when two familiar brown eyes hold my gaze.</p><p class="western">“Eonnie, what are you doing <span>in</span> the rain?” Dahyun asks from under the colorful umbrella, wavy, silvery blond locks falling in a cascade down her shoulders. “You’re going to catch a cold.” The <span>concern in her voice softens the knots inside my throat but still no word will come out. “Come on, I’ll walk you home.” Dahyun stretches her hand to me. Oh, no, she’s drenching the sleeve of her blue coat.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>I…” How can I even begin to explain this? I can’t, so I just look at her, hoping she’ll understand even though I doubt she ever could, “...don’t want to go home.” She can’t. She can’t but still she nods and holds my had, pulling me tenderly under her umbrella.</span></p><p class="western"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>Somehow, Dahyun’s hand feels comforting around mine. We walk at a fast pace since I’m drenched and freezing, and we sneak into her house. I say that we sneak because it’s dark and silent like a tomb and nothing we do in our journey to her bedroom is enough to disturb the quietness. Only after we pass the open door of her parents’ bedroom I realize they aren’t home for the weekend, and probably her brother isn’t either because that door is wide open too and the inside is black as a tunnel. Her bedroom isn’t exactly what I had pictured. Not that I had pictured it in any way but I always thought Dahyunnie was very similar to Chaeyoung, they’re the even tinier version of Mario and Luigi, only I haven’t missed Dahyun uses insoles to seem taller. Maybe not as much since she stuck to one hair color and removed the orange and pink streaks that made me believe she was a punk the first time I saw her, but when I used to think of Dahyun, I thought she would have an artist bedroom, music student version: lots of CDs here and there, scores everywhere, maybe a keyboard, a pile of unfinished homework… Some untidiness in general, or at least as much mess as it can exist in a Korean household. Far from that, her bedroom has a very sober style, with white walls and a white desk, no keyboard but a rather fancy laptop placed on top of it, a big bed with a metallic frame, some books and CDs neatly placed in shelves and filling a bookcase, and a sweet scent in the air. The only thing that doesn’t look like the generic picture of a decoration magazine is the cork board on the opposite wall to the bed. I walk slowly towards it to take a look at the diverse stuff needled there and can’t help the smile that draws on my lips at the sight of a baby Dahyunnie with black, short hair and a green outfit smiling widely back at me. There are more pictures of her, some fancy dressed and slender guy that I believe to be her brother although they don’t look much alike, little Chaeyoung and Tzuyu being a mess, some ID pictures of her through time, a very good photo of her playing piano that must be quite recent because that metallic blue is unmistakable, some hair dye samples and a tiny bag with a steel bar piercing inside. I bite my lower lip trying to hold back a giggle, I told you she was a reckless kid.</span>
</p><p class="western">“Maybe I’m making it up but is it possible that you were staying at the faculty dorm at some point?” I comment, grabbing the towel she offers me and doing my best not to look to eager to put it around my shoulders. At some point I had stopped feeling the cold but it’s coming back with the contrasting <span>warm</span>th of her house.</p><p class="western">“I was,” she responds and stands in front of me, feeling visibly awkward. She’s so cute. “Well, we all were a few months ago.” There’s no need to explain any further but she keeps going, probably because she doesn’t know what else to do having me here. Honestly, me neither. I don’t know what I am doing. “When Tzuyu's parents went back to Taiwan for work we decided to move to the dorm with her so she wouldn't feel lonely.” Oh, yeah, that’s right. Tzuyu-yah is the one that still lives there. I should remember to make something yummy to eat and bring it to her some time, Nayeon-eonnie is always complaining about the food of the dorm. “But then Chaeyoung's family situation changed… as you know, and my parents made me move back home too.”</p><p class="western">“Why though?” I roam around the room. It starts because I feel uncomfortable and cold just standing there but <span>a</span> glimpse of the full Harry Potter collection next to Agatha Christie’s Poirot serie<span>s and </span><span><em>Eomma-reul butakhae</em></span><span> by Shin Kyungsook on her book case has awaken my curiosity.</span></p><p class="western">“They thought I was dating someone.” Dahyun isn’t quick to respond this time. She starts slowly, like she’s thinking if she should keep talking <span>as</span> she speaks. Then she stops and the silence makes me believe for a second she’s left the room but when I turn around she’s right there, looking at me with an odd mist in her eyes that disappears as soon as she averts her gaze. “They just wanted to protect me, that's all.”</p><p class="western">“Were you?”</p><p class="western">“Mhm?”</p><p class="western">“Dating someone.” What is this thing about Dahyun that I can never place? At first you wouldn’t tell she can be such a complicated person. In my eyes she’s the cutest and most innocent bean, I must say, it’s hard to stay away from her. Though that’s not it — Dahyun is also smart for sure, very kind and I’ve seen her and the other two getting in enough trouble to know she has this <span>rebellious</span> side to her. She must be very patient as well if she has stood the little cub’s shenanigans for so many years and they have remained friends. Still, she’s sort of a mystery — of course I’ve not <span>given</span> that much attention to <span>the girl</span> to know all about her but we’ve been quite acquainted to each other and I thought I had <span>the cutie</span> more or less figured out. Now I come here and I realize the only thing I know about Kim Dahyun is… a cork board. We have had many conversations, mainly about music, as the time we spend together with the rest of the girls has increased exponentially during the last few months to the point I thought I could call her a friend, not just my step sister’s friend, and yeah, she has 2 or 3 CDs from Yiruma because she loves his music so much she has <span>even done</span> covers from his work (that I haven’t heard yet and she stills owes me a show)<span> but I didn’t even know she was into idols yet she has A LOT of albums, mostly by Rain and IU</span>. I didn’t even know she had dated someone… not that I should have been aware of it but, you know, I know Tzuyu has not and is painfully harassed by guys everywhere, for example.</p><p class="western">“No... Well, kind off.” She’s struggling to talk about this. Maybe there is a sad story weighing behind the brightness of her usual smile. Everyone has theirs but I hoped she wouldn’t, not Dahyunnie. I hoped her smile and cheerfulness were sincere. “I was seeing this guy…” Wait, Dahyun is religious, is she not? Yeah, there was a crucifix in the hallway, and that in her bed side table is a Bible. I can only imagine her parents’ reaction. “He was trouble and… I guess we were kinda on and off for a while.” I sense so much pain coming from her voice behind her efforts for producing a casual tone. It’s a tremble, a flaw, and I spot it right away. Who on Earth would be so despicable to hurt this girl’s feelings? “<span>Actually, </span>that my parents made me move was the best thing that could have ever happened.” The way she says it… no, the depth and meaning behind it are devastating. It’s not right. At some point I’ve got so close to her I only have to reach slightly to squeeze her hand.</p><p class="western">“I'm sorry things didn't work.”</p><p class="western">She takes a look at our hands and then her gaze <span>climbs to reach</span> <span>mine</span>. I try to be reassuring, understanding but positive, cheerful even, whatever it takes to see her <span>happy</span> smile back on her face. <span>Nevertheless</span>, the only thing I get is a momentous grimace. It chips my heart.</p><p class="western">“Believe me, I'm not.” She swallows, hard. The mere possibility that Dahyunnie might be biting back tears is enough to make my chest tighten. There’s a numb feeling on the ground of my mouth and hot saliva is gathering behind my back teeth, like when you’re about to throw up. I’m so cold, I had forgotten — the towel isn’t enough.</p><p class="western">“May your heart remain breakable but never by the same hand twice.” I manage to keep my voice steady and feel adventurous enough to dare and put a strand of blond hair behind her ear. I’ve shivered a bit but I wasn’t <span>too</span> clumsy. In fact, that way I’ve managed not to touch her skin and I believe it’s for the best. The touch of my fingers against her warm cheek <span>would certainly</span> be the most unpleasant sensation for her in this moment. “Who’s Tzuyu’s roommate now?” I casually ask as I put my hands between the humid towel and the soaked leather of my jacket to try to warm them up. It’s getting difficult to move the articulations, they feel swollen.</p><p class="western">“Nobody.” She clears her throat and moves away. I liked to feel the heat of her body up-close but if I say that now it might sound weird and worrying about that is the last thing I need now. “Everyone is scared of her,” she chuckles and it might sound mean but I get why. “Trust me, she’s just as scared of them as they are.”</p><p class="western">It’s so heart-warming, you know, the way they took Tzuyu in and accepted her just the way she is. As a member of what Jeong insists to call <em>J-line</em>, I do understand what it is to move to a different country with a language you don’t know very well. You can feel pretty lonely more often than not and have little to no people to go to if a problem was to emerge. On top of all, Tzuyu-yah doesn’t strike me as someone who can express herself very well and that sometimes can make making friends a very tricky quest, so I’m very glad she found these two chipmunks. The three of them are super cute to watch together, to be honest. We have done it sometimes, Jihyo, Momo and I, only for science, and it’s not <em>that </em>’science’. It’s very striking to the eye of the beholder, the way they bring up the best side of each one of them. When they’re together, Tzuyu smiles and talks more than she does with any one of us, Chaeyoung even looks formal and well-mannered and Dahyunnie seems so relaxed and happy. Chaeyoungie and her have a pretty odd way of talking to each other, very teeny, but I don’t think even Tzuyu understands so I suppose it’s their thing.</p><p class="western">“You are a good friend.”</p><p class="western">“Yeah…” Dahyun frowns slightly and shakes her head like she’s trying to shake away her blush. I wish she hadn‘t, I love seeing it. Then, something comes down on her. “Eonnie! You’re shivering!” Oh, yeah, that.</p><p class="western">She rummages through her wardrobe and finally lends me what I think it’s a pajamas, although I could swear I’ve seen her wearing checked pants like these outside. Then she shows me the way to the bathroom so I can take a very much needed shower.</p><p class="western"><span>Thankfully, the bathroom has a bathtub, I don’t have the time or energy for cleaning everything after taking a Korean shower. </span>It is a pretty nice bathroom, in white stone with some walls and details <span>of black tile.</span> Probably, this is only one of the bathrooms of the house. There are no male products such as razor blades or shavers — the big cabinet is separated in two: one side for medicines and hair products and the other side is filed with creams and perfumes. That’s right, Koreans use a lot of skin care products, maybe that’s why Dahyunnie’s cheeks feel so incredibly smooth to the touch.</p><p class="western">“Dior Addict,” I read on the <span>glass</span> bottle and take a sniff. Yeah, it smells exactly like her.</p><p class="western">The clothes fall to the ground with a heavy thud. They’re so drenched it’s taken a bit to take off my jeans but when I get rid of them and my skin is directly exposed to the warmth of the room the cold seems to start fading, at last. The tub is in the other side, right below a window covered by black blinds, a space between tile walls big enough for one person and framed by green plants with big leaves. My body welcomes the heat of the water, and even if the contrast hurts at first, it feels comforting. My hair has got sticky with the rain water, disgusting. I don’t even want to check on the mirror how pathetic I must look right now for Dahyunnie to take me in no questions asked.</p><p class="western">A sigh leaves my body before diving my head. The pain slowly subsides, maybe I won’t catch a cold, I have been lucky enough not to lose an ear or a finger to frostbite anyway so I can consider myself lucky. The pressure and numbness of the atmosphere <span>underwater</span> is soothing, definitely more than the world out there, but my lungs can’t take a lot of it and soon I need to abandon my nest to breathe. It feels good, so good that I wish I could stay all night in here. Nevertheless, this is not my home, I shouldn’t even be here, I still don’t understand wh<span>y I… A smile appears on my lips the moment I grab the shampoo bottle. It is Dahyun’s shampoo, I know because it’s especial for dyed hair. It’s not the same brand that I use but it’s always good to try new stuff — I don’t think I’ve seen Dahyun’s hair losing much brightness or turning another color, not even after a few weeks of dying her hair blue. It’s a color I’ve never tried but I’m afraid it would turn a nasty green with time. Oh, it smells so good. Oh, god, it smells really, really good. I think I’ve smelt this scent before, it does ring a bell. When was it? Maybe when I gave her a lift home last time… No, she reeked a bit of vomit that night. Argh! When was it?! It’s just so addictive. Look, Dior perfumes smell amazing but she could perfectly drop it and just go out with this shampoo for her head and shoulders. </span></p><p class="western">
  <span>It jumps into my mind like a flash, the fantasy of burying my nose under Dahyunnie’s jaw, taking it the delicious scent from her skin and licking the column of her neck afterwards. If I was ever freezing, my body doesn’t seem to remember anymore. Heat spreads through the water, crawls towards my face and other places that shouldn’t be doing anything of the sort right now. How sick I am, for fuck’s sake? Really, I don’t know if I have a gay problem but I definitely must have a sex addiction because this is not normal. Thankfully, I notice my hand resting way too high on my thigh before anything happens out of pure habit. This is not your bath tub, Sana! Get your hormones together!</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>Never before I had finished and dressed so fast. Finished as in taking the bath, you fucking… Ugh! Never mind. I comb my hair the best I can and take my time to leave the bathroom as spotless as I found it before leaving. When I arrive back to the bedroom, carefully not to wet anything with my soaked clothes, Dahyunnie has opened the bed neatly. I slap myself mentally at the thought that quirks my eyebrow. Then I hear her voice coming from the other side of the house.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Eonnie, is it you?” I walk across the hallway and see her face peaking from a corner. “Let me take that,” she says, grabbing the clothes from my hands and running to another room. “We’ll wash and dry them, ok?” The only thing I do is nodding, not that she can see me but still. </span></p><p class="western">
  <span>The Kim’s household is pretty big. It’s not a duplex but the space is very well used. The main door opens to a hallway and the room Dahyunnie just went in. In the same hallway there’s another room that I guess must be the other bathroom and then the apartment opens intwo zones: the dinning room with an open concept kitchen and a big island (very American style for such a purely Korean family), and the hallway that leads to the bedrooms and the bathroom I took the bath in. The dinning room is impressive, I must say, it looks recently reformed. One of the walls is just a massive set of windows that show the never sleeping city of Seoul, the couches are big, matching the flat TV in front of them and the wooden dinner table is already perfectly prepared with all kinds of food. She is also playing soft music to try and cover the faint sounds of the storm outside. Is this all for me? So much work, I don’t...</span>
</p><p class="western">“I didn’t know if you had had dinner and I know you must take care of your diet so I’ve prepared some things I thought you might like,” Dahyun starts rambling, speaking really fast as she walks to one side of the room to the other, <span>carrying</span> more cutlery and snacks of all kinds. When she realizes there are no more things to bring to the table, she starts reorganizing everything. Is she nervous around me now? “I think Chaeng said at some point you liked hummus and carrots, and I had some baby carrots and this is mom’s hummus, she learned how to make it in her church cooking class and…”</p><p class="western">“Dahyunnie.” The girl stops immediately, like struck by one of the lightnings. She’s so flustered she can’t even look at me. Really, why so shy all of the sudden? “This is amazing, thank you so much.” A smile tremble on her lips and as she won’t let it slip, I myself draw the widest I can manage to compensate.</p><p class="western">She seems to relax a bit as we have dinner together, silently but comfortably. Everything she’s prepared (as well as her mother’s hummus, of course) is delicious, I’m surprised — Chaeyoung can barely fry an egg. Maybe I should stop assimilating one to the other. They might be joined by the hip but they’re not all that similar. No, Chaeyoung is a lion cub, messy in a naive way, but Dahyun is something else. She is purity, sheer innocence, eternal hope and strong will to do things right at all times, to purposefully spread goodness and kindness. Those kinds of characters often come with an inherent struggle between what’s right and what makes them truly happy and after hearing about that boy I don’t doubt Dahyunnie isn’t immune to that side effect. Mix that with a heavily religious household and you might find a subtle sadness that hides behind a smile that can rob the sun of its job. It is in times like these where I realize the people around me aren’t just side characters on the book that is my life but <span>other protagonists</span> with stories of their own. With their own pain. It’s comforting in a way. Does that make me a horrible person?</p><p class="western">“I love that hair color.” My eyes dart at her wide open, taken aback by the sudden compliment. Don’t get me wrong, I feel really flattered, but this might be the first time Dahyun has been so straight forward <span>complimenting me</span>. Normally it is more like a shy murmur that makes her cheek flash bright red or a tiny nod to another person’s comment that she hopes I haven’t seen, but I see everything. “It suits you.”</p><p class="western">“Really?” Maybe she’s getting more comfortable around me at long last. This promises to be interesting.</p><p class="western">“It’s sweet and soft, but also classy and stylish.” Dahyun nods energetically as she talks, and even tops it with a smile that starts very confident and wide but ends in a cute and <span>flustered</span> grimace that reaches its peak when she adds: “Kinda reckless too.”</p><p class="western">“Do you think I’m soft but reckless, Dahyunnie?” My giggle could be considered flirty, I won’t deny it, but I’m more curious about her than anything else. I wish she wouldn’t try to hold back her <span>timidness, I tend to find it endearing — although maybe it’s a good thing. I’m in no position to keep my arms around her tonight… I don’t think it would be prudent and after accidentally coming out to her I don’t really want to make place for any type of misunderstanding if it’s not absolutely necessary.</span> “I loved your blue hair but <span>silvery</span> blond makes you look like Elsa from Frozen. She’s my favorite.”</p><p class="western">Our eyes meet <span>in the middle</span>. It’s only a second, a light twitch, but surprise reflects on <span>hers</span> right before the blood culminates its climb from her ears to her hairline. I thought she would just avert her gaze immediately like she always does when she’s this embarrassed but she doesn’t. Instead we stay like that, looking at each other in silence while the music plays and the storm subsides. I wonder what she’s thinking about, her pale face is bright red by now. Am I so intimidating? I must have looked pathetic in front of her and yet she still seems to hold me in a pedestal. Personally, I think she should find better role models.</p><p class="western">“Uh…” Dahyun <span>releases a nervous guffaw</span> and places her chopsticks on top of her empty plate. “I should wash this.” Her hands tremble. None of her other eonnies have this effect on her, at least that I’ve noticed, not even Momo and she oversteps and crosses all the boundaries that might exist. Why am I any different? “I’ll sleep in my brother’s old bedroom so you can have the bed for yourself.” She attempts to stand up but my hand snaps and keeps her in place.</p><p class="western">“Wait!” The girl freezes. I shouldn’t be doing this, I know I’ve abused of her hospitality more than I could ever repay already and yet I can’t help it. I’m terrified. “Can you… stay?”</p><p class="western">“Stay?” her voice comes up strangled and it does make me hesitate but the idea of lying in bed alone <span>with all the demons in my head</span> ties a knot in my throat and opens a hollow nest in my chest.</p><p class="western">“I know I’ve asked a lot of you already but…” How could I ever explain it? “… can we sleep together just for tonight? I-”</p><p class="western">“I’ll be there in a minute.” But I don’t need to.</p><p class="western">Dahyun places her other hand atop of mine, makes my grip on her naturally <span>soften</span> before she starts piling bowls and plates inside the sink. In my defense I’ll say I do try to be of help but she dismisses me and exiles me to her bedroom under the <span>vindicate</span> that I am her guest and therefore it is her ‘duty’ to take care of the dirty plates. While it might <span>sound as</span> an excuse, I cannot do anything about it but obeying and returning to her bedroom.</p><p class="western">As I had foreseen, lying there alone feels like being surrounded by the most dense darkness, without any possibility of being saved. It feels so lonely it digs a hole deep inside. She said it would be a minute, but it’s been more than five already and I cannot stand the lights off for another second.</p><p class="western">“Afraid of the dark?” Her tone could be considered mocking in any other occasion but her eyes as she stands in the threshold don’t show amusement but tenderness.</p><p class="western">“No, just…” I hadn’t noticed I’ve been frowning until I try to scowl even more. I take a deep breath and tap the side of the bed.</p><p class="western">Dahyun approaches slowly and takes her time to lay in bed beside me. Literally, beside me, separated by a foot and curled up as much as she can not to cross the border a single millimeter. The atmosphere is a bit awkward, to say the least. Is it because I am her eonnie of because… because she knows I have been attracted to girls before and she’s feeling uncomfortable? The knot tightens in my throat and my nose starts filling with unspilt tears.</p><p class="western">“Dahyunnie?” I try my best to keep my voice steady but I’m not sure I’ve succeeded. She only responds with a noise, something in a middle ground between a <span>hum</span> and a whine.</p><p class="western">This is something I can’t run away from, if Dahyun is too kind to say anything but the idea of sharing such a space with me worries her in any way, the least I can do after everything she’s done for me is releasing her from such burden. The thing is, Chaeyoung did say Dahyun would be cool about it, she has had no problem with her and as far as I know, she has even encouraged Chae in her pursue of Mitang. But if that’s not it, what’s the problem? I know the only way I’ll find out is by asking but how do you ask that without…? I swallow, hard. For the first time, I am confronted with my feelings in a situation where I can find no other way around nor euphemism to soften the weight of words. If I’m not honest here, how can I expect sincerity from Dahyun?</p><p class="western">“Did it upset you… that I like girls?” I wait and just wait. No answer, no move, no sound, not anything. I can feel my heart crack with shame so clearly it physically hurts. My hands tremble as they tighten their grip on the blanket, hoping if they hold it with enough strength, it will also stop tears from falling. “I’m sorry, I’m asking you to be here, I…” I turn to roll out of bed but a pressure on my waist stops my move. It’s Dahyun’s hand and she immediately retracts it like I’m made of fire.</p><p class="western">“It didn’t, eonnie,” she rushes to reassure me but it doesn’t sound all that convincing. “I… It didn’t.” I look towards her in hope I could find out the truth in this thick darkness. Of course, it’s impossible.</p><p class="western">“<span>Okay.</span>” Maybe I just take her words as true because it’s more comfortable than admitting I am causing trouble again to someone that doesn’t deserve it. But then she rolls on her side and curls up a little closer, not too much, not enough, but a bit. That’s when Dahyun says it in a whisper, the words she’ll never know how much they mean to me:</p><p class="western">“Sana-eonnie will always be Sana-eonnie.”</p><p class="western">
  <span>Silently, I do cry myself to sleep like so many other nights but it will surprise you as much as it does to me that the shed tears are not of sadness this time.</span>
</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Next update will be on November 5th. I'm sorry it's a bit later than usual but it will be the same story than this time with my guard duties.</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0018"><h2>18. In which I hear her silent plea and it’s deafening. Chaeyoung.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Next update on Nov 20th</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Don’t ask me how or why but I’m having dinner in a Japanese restaurant in Hongdae with Mina-eonnie. Alone. We seem to be enjoying real Japanese cuisine, or at least Mina is visibly having a blast. She has ordered yet another round of sushi without having finished the last one but her excitement is so adorable I just stare and let her do whatever. Despite all the exercise and even the harsh dance practice with Momo, I’m not especially hungry tonight; however, since she’s so invested I’m eating all the delicious varieties of sushi she wants me to try. It’s a bunch, she has ordered at least eight different types and the portions aren’t as small as you would imagine but at least it’s delicious. Nothing, nonetheless, not even the food, can outshine Mina’s sheer joy in this moment. Once more she’s being strangely talkative, energetic even. Her smile shines like it’s made of diamonds, blinding me whenever she decides to put her gums on display. While I understand it is unfair to reduce someone to the person they’re dating, right in this place and time, under dime light of a lamp and surrounded by plates full of foreign food and arguments in foreign languages, I can’t help but wonder if this sudden lift of mood has anything to do with her boyfriend. Maybe he’s treating her well and he’s making her feel as special as she is, or perhaps something particularly good has happened. I am very glad for her, really, ecstatic. Forgive me if I am mistaken but you may be reading this in a sarcastic way and if that’s the case I must clarify that I do mean it. Whatever the reason for this uplifting mood is, I’m glad to see her smiling... even if this great event were to be a particularly good lay and now she’s feeling nice and relaxed. I am so happy for her, SO HAPPY. It’s not like I have a say in her life choices or that I care about what she does or doesn’t do in her private life. All that matters is that she’s fine.</p><p class="western">“You’re so happy lately, eonnie.” In spite of what you might be thinking, if I let it slide in the conversation it isn’t because I am particularly interested in solving such a mystery but because I’m observing a behavioral pattern new to what I knew of Mina and it happens to stand out, so I’m naturally curious.</p><p class="western">“Am I?” she asks softly and immediately becomes shy. “I don’t know.”</p><p class="western">I didn’t… I didn’t mean it like she has to tone it down or anything like that but now she’s becoming quiet and flustered. Geez, Son Chaeyoung, you used to be swifter than this.</p><p class="western">“Whatever it is,” I rush to reassure her and articulate a grin that I hope provides some comfort, “it’s nice to see your face light up like that, eonnie.”</p><p class="western">Somehow (I don’t know what I’ve done exactly) my words seem to backfire and embarrass her even further. Hence, from that moment until we pay the bill and leave the restaurant, Mina doesn’t open conversation again and limits her replies to nods, soft hums and tiny laughs. Thankfully, she doesn’t lose her smile.</p><p class="western">Walking down the vivacious streets of Hongdae feels like something that is not real, a happiness I haven’t and won’t feel, my only anchor to reality being the endless rummaging I do inside my own pockets, seeking for the warmest spot instead of finding shelter in the warmth of her skin. It is not until we’ve passed by a Baskin Robbins and we turn the corner of the street that the freezing cold of the winter gives way to a sudden and full blown electric storm for which none of us was prepared. The rain is so cold that after the first few droplets hit us, we don’t hesitate and start running to find refuge under the awning of a 7/11.</p><p class="western">“We’re trapped,” Mina-eonnie says, shaken either by the situation or water dripping from her coat.</p><p class="western">While her scooting closer is probably a matter of seeking a warmth I doubt I’m able to provide as I am frozen like a myeongdong's ice cream myself, it is enough to make my heart rate pick up its pace. Right when I’m pondering whether it would be better to be brave, hug her (for survival reasons) and risk her thinking I’m overstepping and disgusting, or being forced to bankruptcy by a taxi driver (my tattoos are expensive and I’m already broke), her shoulder touches mine, not fully leaning on but too much to be intentional. Is she trying to say anything? Maybe I’m overthinking again. I would directly ask Mina-eonnie if it is okay for me to hug her but before I can do something that kills me with cringe I realize her attention is fixed elsewhere. It takes me a while to see through the thick rain but finally I am able to see the light, or more like <em>lights.</em> It’s an arcade, right at the other side of the street. I don’t give it a second thought.</p><p class="western">“Eonnie, you gotta run,” I do try to warn her but leave her no time to react before I wrap my hand around hers and start running across the street, the rain pouring on us, hitting like a thousand frozen needles. Yes, I might have overestimated my speed but by the time we open the door of the arcade and pass the border of the threshold we aren’t dry but we aren’t as soaked as you would expect either so I consider it a success.</p><p class="western">It’s only a second, but when I turn to Mina I am afraid of what I’ll find. Maybe she’s mad at my impulsiveness, I shouldn’t probably have dragged her with me, putting her health at risk like that. However, when I see her face she doesn’t look pissed but bemused, clinging from her lips a smile wider than I’ve seen before and that soon breaks into a streak of joyful giggles.</p><p class="western">“You are crazy, Son Chaeyoung,” she laughs, loud, at least for her. Was she someone else, anyone else, I would have made a quirky remark but when it is about Mina I find myself mute and too flustered to be able of doing anything but offering a timid smile. It’s probably for the best, not everyone finds my inherent extravagance as charming as I think.</p><p class="western">It’s a Friday, so the arcade is pretty packed. Still, we are able to enjoy a delightful game of speed hockey that Mina-eonnie effortlessly wins before she waddles as adorably as it sounds towards the multiplayer Mortal Kombat machine. It is between kicks, punches and rather cool finishers that I am witness of something I have had glimpses of before and have heard of but I haven’t been able to see in first person yet, and that is Mina-eonnie’s unpitying competitive disposition. Oh, boy, I wasn’t prepared for this. She’s ruthless, deadly and has no problem in kicking your ass in less than a minute, giggling and dancing like a kid afterwards. All in all, it is shocking but not so bad, you know why? Because I can also see Myoui Mina in her element and that is a sight — she looks confident and determined, she’s relentless, and what’s more important: it is obvious to me that she’s having the time of her life playing with me. With me. It makes my heart pound inside my chest with such strength I’m afraid she will hear it.</p><p class="western">That being said… Well, I told you she was deadly and relentless. We are playing Super Mario Cars when it happens. I’ll let you know that there is another reason why I I stick to motorbikes apart from the fact that my bike is the only cool element in my life, and it is that while I normally have a very good spacial intelligence as an artist, when it is about me being a burly object on the move I tend to miscalculate my size and therefore the effort needed for a vehicle to turn. With bikes and very small cars, I normally don’t have a problem because they are pretty light and easy to control but I chose Bowser as a character and a race car. Hence, it shouldn’t come as a surprise that I do miss every turn and get out of the road pretty often. She finds it pretty funny, really… but when this clumsiness of mine exceeds the boundary of my own failures and my Bowser crushes against her Joshi, who was 3 leaps ahead of me, and makes her lose the possibility of breaking the absolute record in the game, Mina’s smile drops and I swear I am able to see the shadow of murder crossing her gaze. It’s so scary that it gives me goosebumps.</p><p class="western">When the game is over, Mina turns her head to me. She does it slowly, in a way that tells me she’s gathering all her strength and willpower not to kill me right here and now. No words come from her lips, she just… stares.</p><p class="western">“Eonnie, you’re scary,” I whine and I won’t lie, deep down I’m trying to look as cute as I can so she’ll take pity of me. Have I chastised Sana-eonnie a thousand times for doing the same at her age? Yes, but this is a matter of life and death so I think it is justified. You’ll be glad to know that the trick seems to work and I’m alive to see another day. Her features melt and soften almost immediately and then, the most adorable pout purses her lips. She’s beating me at my own game again, she’s so competitive! “I’m sorry, I’m so bad at this.”</p><p class="western">“Don’t you like games?” Her brow furrows slightly in a confounded expresion. I wish we could share something so close to her heart like her love for video games but, to be honest, it’s more like an occasional delight for me.</p><p class="western">“I don’t dislike them,” I hurry to say before she gets the wrong impression. Knowing her, the first thing she’ll think is that I’m forcing myself to play because of her and that’s not the case. I’m having fun and yes, maybe I’m enjoying her smiles and happiness more than the game itself but everything goes in the same package, does it not? “I don’t play very often, though.” Mina-eonnie doesn’t look too content with my explanation, she might nod but her lips forming a tiny moue betray her. “I do enjoy playing with you very much.” I can’t believe I’ve said that.</p><p class="western">“Really?” The fact that she has to ask saddens me a bit. Yes, I’m so far gone inside this rabbit hole that only being in her presence makes my day and I can’t shake the feeling that all that’s ahead of me is a deep and dark tunnel of misery. A mere nod and she’s smiling again like a kid that has been given a lollipop. “The storm is over.”</p><p class="western">Of course, the storm. It’s been a while since the majestic roar of the thunder hasn’t risen over the loud noises of the arcade, I was too busy and absorbed by someone to notice. In fact, it doesn’t really sink in until Mina steps outside and nothing pours over her. Excuse me, I might be a bit distracted although you need to understand that I’m having a cardiac arrest. Mina-eonnie has hold my hand and is pulling from me to follow her, as if I would ever resist. Her thumb traces the line of my knuckles before closing around my pinky and ring fingers and just like that we make our way down street.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Chatter has been lost back inside the arcade a while ago although none is needed. We walk at a fast pace, the both of us a bit wary because it could start raining again in any moment. My boots hit puddle after puddle without disturbing the water, absentmindedly walking beside Mina in a way I could never have imagined a couple of months back. Honestly, wherever she goes I’ll go, no questions asked. Every step I’m more and more aware of the seriousness of this situation, more sure that I’m completely sold and way beyond the point of no return.</p><p class="western">It is under the red shine of the traffic lights that Mina’s glance falls on me, her hand never softening the hold on my two fingers, and she speaks in her usual tender voice.</p><p class="western">“Wanna go get a drink?” she asks as her eyes dart towards the red man in front of us.</p><p class="western">“Uh…” Obviously I would do everything to spend time with her but let me remind you that the last time we did that she threw the boyfriend bomb at me so allow me to have my doubts about this plan. I’m not sure I’m ready for round two. “I think we shouldn’t stay out much longer or we could get trapped in the rain again.”</p><p class="western">“Alright,” she nods but relief never comes, “we’ll take it at my place then.” Mina turns on her heels and starts walking ahead again, pulling from me in a different direction, away from the traffic lights and following a side street. At a loss of words as I am, I let myself be dragged away.</p><p class="western">“I think…” When we get to Hongik-ro, I finally gather the courage to speak up. She hasn’t looked for a cab, not even a bus, it’s like she wants to give me enough time to be able to say no, “… I should probably get some homework done tomorrow, I’m barely catching up.”</p><p class="western">“Just one drink,” she insists and her thumb tenderly strokes my palm, engulfing any further complaint I might try. “Saturdays are very long anyway.” It’s nice to know she respects my right to say no… even if she rejects my rejection.</p><p class="western">“Are you trying to get me drunk again, eonnie?” I do sound whiny, a bit too much for someone who deep down wants this if I’m honest, but ultimately everything comes to nothing.</p><p class="western">“There’s no harm in some liquid courage.” There’s a clear double meaning in her words that I shake off with an elusive hum, pretending I don’t know what she’s talking about. One of these days I need to stop drinking with the girls, at least if it’s in front of Mina. She does smile because she thinks she knows what she’s talking about but fortunately she has only seen the tip of the iceberg. “Only one bottle of soju,” she promises, bobbing her head. There’s something truly hilarious in the way she adds with a cough: “each.”</p><p class="western">“Eonnie!”</p><p class="western">My noisy complaint gets interrupted by her suddenly stopping dead on her tracks in front of a building. I hadn’t realized we had arrived at Jihyo’s neighborhood. Mina still has my hand in hers when we get into the elevator but once the doors close she releases me and limits herself to stand beside me. By the time it stops, I’m already missing her touch.</p><p class="western">Mina’s apartment is exactly the way I had expected it to be yet at the same time it’s completely the opposite. For starters, it’s a loft. I didn’t believe she would live in a loft, the main reason for it being that when you picture Mina you think of elegance, white couches and wooden furniture, a palace, and a loft it’s not a palace. Of course, she doesn’t need a palace to live alone, cleaning it would be an unnecessary problem. Also, my second reason for thinking Mina would live in a normal apartment is because she’s the kind of girl to do all she can in the least number of moves so she’d rather have everything at hand like the TV (and her video games) or the kitchen, which isn’t possible if your bed is upstairs. That being said, this flat also screams Myoui Mina — the big windows, the softness of the colors, the refined but modern style of the furniture and the amount of figurines crowding the shelves. Link, Joshi, Roronoa Zoro, Hyuuga Hinata, Ellie, Geralt of Rivia, that short-haired girl from Nier and so many more I don’t even know. She’s such a nerd, I love her. I mean… you know what I mean! I almost trip on my own flip-flop, thankfully she’s too busy retrieving two bottles of soju from a cabinet to notice. Those jeans compliment her figure so well…</p><p class="western">“Are you wet?”</p><p class="western">“Huh?” My heart doesn’t reach to my throat, it jumps through and leaves forever. Bye, bye, it was nice to meet you.</p><p class="western">“Are your clothes dry enough? I can lend you something,” she clarifies with a smile as she fetches two small glasses.</p><p class="western">“No, no, I’m fine.” I shake my hands and observe the bottles to occupy my time. Definitely not fine. I don’t want to just go and sit on her couch like this is my house. It looks so comfortable, though. If I had a couch like that, I wouldn’t be able to work, not even watch TV, I would just take naps. “Why do you have so much soju at home anyway?”</p><p class="western">“For a special occasion.” Mina grabs the glasses and signals me with her head to join her at the couch. Then, she leaves the glasses at the coffee table and takes the bottles off my hands, placing them perfectly in front of them.</p><p class="western">“Are we celebrating anything?” I wait until she sits down to follow suit. Still, I get no reply, just a tiny smile. I’m obviously missing something.</p><p class="western">In any case, we are at her place and we are drinking so this is a dangerous situation. We all know what my problem is when drinking, limits start to blurry, and that’s what must never happen here. Boundaries are important, more so since Mina-eonnie knows about my absolute and outstanding gayness. The worst thing that could happen after being somehow outed to Mina and having managed to dodge a rejection as a friend and in general as a human being, is for the girl to think I am a predatory lesbian whose deepest desire is to bite her round and firm ballerina butt, which I am, but she doesn’t need to know that. What I’ve said: boundaries. That’s the only thing that will allow this friendship to work in spite of my affections for Mina. Honestly, feelings aside, Mina’s the sweetest and most interesting girl I’ve ever met; she’s quiet and relaxed yet pretty fun and has the best conversation about almost anything — a couple of weeks ago we debated the chlamydia situation that’s leaving Australian koalas sterile, she’s so damn smart. I’d rather have her as a friend than not having her at all but in order to be able to be at her side, I need to be careful, even more than I’ve been so far. What would I do if I get caught staring at her in awe like I always end up doing and she thinks I am being disrespectful or that my thoughts or intentions are nasty? That situation I don’t think I would be able to handle, so I need to tighten the control on my thoughts and my eyes even right now when her raven hair is flowing amazingly despite being a bit wet and untidy, which only gives her look a rough aftertaste that is incredibly sexy… Stop right there, Son Chaeyoung. Her lips look even redder after the first shot of soju, so inviting. Hey, are we drinking already?</p><p class="western">“Slow down, eonnie,” I laugh when she sticks out her tongue and groans. “Soju is meant to be drunk in sips not gulps.” She pours some in my glass and I show her. Damn, it’s been a while since I’ve drank, it has awaken the nerves on my throat.</p><p class="western">“When was the last time we went out together?” And here I was thinking Mina’s out of the blue questions were already over but far from that they’re lately becoming a constant. Every sip of soju I take, I care a bit less.</p><p class="western">“I don’t know…” Oh, but I know<em> so</em> well. “Christmas, maybe.” That night hit me like a truck and left a pretty stain with the shape of Chaeyoung to rot on the pavement. “First and last time.”</p><p class="western">“Really?” The less you think about it, the less pain you’ll feel. “We need to change that.” Unless she says it with a smile as she brings the glass back to her lips, that does hurt for every fantasy and joyful hope that will never become true.</p><p class="western">Something tells me we should stop drinking now. <em>I</em> should tell her to stop, that I am going home, that alcohol is running too fast and we should slow down a bit, that we’re three quarters of a bottle in and we’ve just arrived. However, the only thing I can do when I gather enough courage to open my mouth is driving the conversation to neutral territory, talk about something she likes. We start up with games, how much she’s enjoying Minecraft lately because she can play calmly although I’ve never understood the appeal of going back to one pixel games when there’s so much effort for creating realistic ones. Of course I don’t tell her that, I’ve already tested my luck with one of her death glares tonight. The conversation trails off to Tzuyu’s savageness and Sana-eonnie’s incredible clumsiness and anecdotes fly here and there. I learn that she used to be a lot into Korean idol boy groups before she came here but with all the moving and college work she hasn’t been able to keep up with her most beloved ones lately. Only because I know it’s unfair and not accurate at all, I’ll pretend my first thought hasn’t been that Mina stanning boy bands is <em>painfully heterosexual.</em></p><p class="western">"What was the special occasion you saved this for?" It’s not only the soju; Mina has also brought a bowl with cut fruit and I have even seen a glimpse of strawberries in her fridge. Why not allow me to to enjoy the sweet nectar of Heaven, though? So mean. Still, it’s her house and her food and I’m content enough being able to be here alone with her.</p><p class="western">“Nothing in particular,” Mina takes a bite of apple and scoots a bit closer. “But this is a special night, is it not? We’ll celebrate that we have finally gone out." Boy, her eyes are hypnotic. “Tell me, what have you been doing?"</p><p class="western">"Apart from homework and dance practice with you and Momo?" It’s not like I haven’t spent most of my free time with her lately. Maybe Sana and Nayeon-eonnie are right and there’s a pretty particular reason for my late outstanding mood.</p><p class="western">"And gym of course," Mina adds, looking at the arm I’m using to prop up my head. Looking? My stupid gay brain wishes she’d be ogling.</p><p class="western">"Of course." After squeezing my brains for almost a minute, I release a chuckle and shrug. "Not much more, I guess.” Another sip of soju before taking a piece of dried persimmon between my teeth. “I have been helping Tzuyu with a photography project.” So delicious. “Dahyun and I watched the ending of Naruto Shippuden the other day, it was amazing!"</p><p class="western">"It was, wasn't it?” Mina engages, amused by my shared excitement. “You need to watch ‘The Last’ movie."</p><p class="western">"Noted.” Mina offers me a piece of apple and I do consider to grab it with my teeth but despite wanting it so bad I finally decide on using my fingers. “Let me see…” Mom always tells me not to speak while I munch but I never seem to remember. “I met with Rosé a couple of times, went shopping with Jihyo-eonnie... OH! I also went to collect strawberries with Tzu and Jeongyeon-eonnie and we're gonna help at the puppy refuge next week.”</p><p class="western">The worst or best thing about all of this is the way Mina listens to every single one of my words with a smile, almost bemused by my telltales. I know she genuinely cares and that she’s happy that I’m feeling well, it’s just that I wish she… Never mind, at this point I don’t think I need to explain how lame I am anymore.</p><p class="western">“Have you…” she wavers and makes a pause to finish her glass and refill it with more alcohol. “Have you talked to Nayeon-eonnie?” So she was wondering about that.</p><p class="western">I haven’t… Okay, no, I’ll start over. I have had the chance to talk more to Mina-eonnie about this between resting time in practice and of course on KakaoTalk <em>but</em> and this is a big ‘but’, I have been avoiding the topic. Before you all get your panties in a bunch, it’s not because it hurts me or because I feel anything about Nayeon anymore or anything like that, alright? I just feel so uncomfortable talking to Mina about this and it’s not only because I like her but because she’s not… She can’t get it, right? It’s like when I was dating Nayeon and I wanted to talk about it with Dahyun or Tzuyu — they wouldn’t understand. Some of you might argue that it’s like when they talk to me about boys but it’s not. Everyone knows about boys, the world is annoyingly heterosexual. This is something I’ve kept to myself for so long and that would be so inevitably foreign to them that talking to them about it feels very much like taking all my clothes off right on the spot and I just can’t. As much as it pains me and as much as I know it doesn’t make any sense, in my mind it is like I’m doing something highly inappropriate and they’re witnesses of it.</p><p class="western">“We keep in touch, talk when we bump into each other, but she's always been crazy busy so…”</p><p class="western">It’s awkward, the way it comes off, I mean, but I already have my hands full with trying not to have a cardiac arrest to having to worry about my delivery. Mina doesn’t bring it up again.<br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">After the first bottle is left behind, it might be only my impression but the conversation picks up and starts exploring so many more and deeper aspects that I begin to struggle to keep up. I can literally feel control slipping out of my hands, or more like my tongue. But is it so bad? In the worst case scenario we could tell stories about our worst and funniest times, whether it be in something apparently innocent like drinking or more thorny territory like… uh… relationships and intimacy. <em>Dang</em>, my mind is in a haze, chaotic thoughts dancing and jumping from one topic to another, considering all the possibilities and none at all but, more than anything, struggling to keep the spreading mess in a state of soft chaos. She’s not making it easy, however. In this secluded room, all I can hear is Mina, everything that I can see is the constellation of her moles governed by her pretty eyes, all I can smell is the mist of alcohol mixed with her perfume. Mina manages to wrap herself around every thought, more intoxicating than my growing inebriation, yet I can do nothing but submit to her dazzling presence.</p><p class="western">“Holy… You really want to get me drunk,” it glibly slips from my lips in a particular moment when I try to stand and the truth of my state hits me. Chillax, I can stand and move and everything, I’ve just drank more than I thought.</p><p class="western">In her very own state, Mina turns and rests her chin on the back of the couch not to lose sight of me at any time while I rummage through her fridge. With a sardonic smirk on her face, she answers:</p><p class="western">“Maybe I do.”</p><p class="western">I almost drop a plate full of strawberries and mandarin oranges. Can alcohol give you a stroke? It probably can since I’m having one right now. Thankfully, I’m able to reach the couch and leave the fragile stuff I’m carrying on the coffee table before a catastrophe happens.</p><p class="western">“Why, though?” My mental ability is clearly being already affected because I can’t have just followed her game.</p><p class="western">“I’ve noticed funny things happen when you’re a tad more daring.” Excuse me, miss, but I have absolutely no idea what you mean. “What’s been your wildest drunk time?” Did anyone say ‘worst case scenario’? I might be hallucinating, that must be it.</p><p class="western">Definitely, the occasion was BamBam’s birthday party. I don’t believe I’ve failed that miserably in any other point of my life. In any case, I can’t tell her about that — not to Mina, not to anyone. This is not one of those things that are horrible in the moment but you know you’ll laugh about it when you remember the event sometime in the future. The secret will stay and die with Sana and I.</p><p class="western">“The thing about alcohol is that when you take too much you black out and don’t remember a thing.” Yes, I am trying to out-wit her, let’s see how it goes. If it works, it works… I better don’t even give her a tiny chance to do anything about it. “What about you?” Mina refills my glass. The second bottle is already down to half. “I can’t really picture Myoui Mina being wild.”</p><p class="western">It’s not only a trick to take the light spot away from me. Whatever the reason might be, spending time alone with Mina-eonnie is rare and I, in my drunken and pathetic haze of love, am eager to learn whatever she’s willing to share. Bit by bit I am realizing Myoui Mina is much more intriguing than I already thought in the beginning and she doesn’t seem willing to let the air of mystery that surrounds her go away. Her reply comes in the shape of a bemused smirk as she basks in the taste of a strawberry, probably not biting as in a slow motion as my eyes are tricking me to see but taking her time to enjoy the sweet fruit any way. I could be much more detailed about my current and evolving state but I won’t — the only thing I’ll say is that by the moment such a smile is hidden behind her glass once more, my hands are already clammy. She won’t answer, will she? No, she’s just drinking and acting very entertained by our talk. What does she even mean by that?!</p><p class="western">“You’re acting weird lately, eonnie,” I end up grumbling all grumpy. Blame it on the alcohol and the heat that is taking over me. Fucking soju…</p><p class="western">“Been told.” Mina is slurring a bit already but I’m in the stage where I start swearing so I’m no one to talk. I’m beginning to wonder if it wouldn’t be wise that I go home before I am not able to do it without serious help. “Actually…” Mina releases a deep sigh, one of those filled with heavy resignation. She wavers before saying anything else, worrying her lower lip in a way I will pretend I’m not getting turned on by. Seriously now, I hope some day I can be that person to whom she can go to when something worries her, the one with whom she needs no filter. “Something has happened recently and I don’t believe I have processed it very well yet,” she finally explains.</p><p class="western">The emotion of her words disarms me. I don’t know how I should help or support her, so I just lean forward and place my hand next to hers, close but not quite touching to show her I am invested but careful not to overstep any personal boundaries.</p><p class="western">“I’m all ears.” She listened to me once, the least I can do is being here for her in the same way.</p><p class="western">Her eyes fix on me for a moment, lip again trapped between teeth before her head leans back. I don’t know what is exactly what makes me swallow hard, her gesture or the exposed length of her neck. But it doesn’t matter because you’re having a serious conversation and you might be drunk but you’re not that much of an asshole, Son Chaeyoung. Focus.</p><p class="western">“Let’s just say that… Ah, so stupid.” A flicker in her eyes grabs my attention. Are they glistening with unshed tears or is it just that she has really bright and beautiful eyes? My hand acts on its own, holding and squeezing hers firmly once and even twice before her fingers slide between mine and run up and down until they capture my fingertips. Then, she properly entwines our hands and runs her thumb ever so slightly on the back of my hand. “Sehun and I… are no more.” A beat.</p><p class="western">“What happened?”</p><p class="western">“I wasn’t…” She puffs her chest and releases the air slowly, ending with a nervous giggle that escapes despite her best efforts. She wets her lips and looks up. If she starts crying, I will cry too and everything will turn into a disaster. “It wasn’t working. He accepted it and everything is actually fine but-”</p><p class="western">“But it’s still a lot,” I finish for her and she nods. At least I don’t have to kill the guy, that would have been problematic, although Tzu could have probably helped hiding the corpse and stuff. We’ll never know. “Eonnie, if you think it was what you needed to be happy, it was the best decision.”</p><p class="western">Mina doesn’t seem so sure but if you ask me, that was the best decision anyone has ever made since Tesla decided he needed to get creative and started solo building the initial modern world technology. Since this must be a sensitive topic to Mina, I obviously cannot show my zealous excitement at the news and instead offer her a strawberry that she decides to bite directly from my hand. My heart is going through too much right now, you don’t understand — between knowing Mina’s back on the market, her lips grazing my fingertips and her cheeks looking incredibly squishy as she munches, I might faint. Really, I’m starting to malfunction, out of order, bye-bye, capitto. I really want to kiss her right now… But I won’t! This is not a fantasy of mine, this is real world and it’s getting very confusing. I don’t even process the next question until I feel her eyes burying in the side of my head.</p><p class="western">“Do you think I’m pretty?” All these months I thought Mina’s main hobby was video games when it actually was hitting me in the head with a baseball bat until I get a concussion, so stupid of me.</p><p class="western">“O-of course you’re pretty, eonnie,” I blurt out in a rather silly way, a bit strangled. “And you’re amazing as a person, very funny and intelligent. I’m sure you’ll find the right guy soon enough.” Okay, I was very proud at what I’ve done there but now she’s squinting. Why is she squinting? And sighing!</p><p class="western">“What about you?” Eh?</p><p class="western">“Me?” She nods. “I think I’m pretty, I guess.” Mina laughs and that’s enough to overcharge my system. The heat that was already there stirs up and quickly becomes searing lava that filters through every single pore of my face.</p><p class="western">“You’re gorgeous, Chaeyoungie. I meant it like…” Yet she stops like she’s stepped on something and bites her tongue in a somewhat frustrated gesture. Has she just said that I’m gorgeous? “So you have a thing for older women?” I need… a rock… to fall on my face and kill me. “What I mean to say is that there is a pos-… Chaeyoung?” Her hand falls on my huddled thigh as she scoots closer and an electric current runs through my spine. “Are you ok?” She touches my forehead. I don’t move an inch. “Oh, no, did you catch a cold in the storm?” She’s so close. Don’t do anything you will regret later, Son Chaeyoung.</p><p class="western">And yet my eyes fall to her lips. Plump and red, tasting them must feel like heaven. Mina’s mouth looks so… sweet, it’s small and bunches up almost reminiscing of a baby bird, soft and pretty, just like her. For so many months I’ve wondered how it would be to lick them, to kiss her delicately, starting from the moles that frame both the upper and the lower one. Everything about her is so devastatingly tender and harmonious with the rest of her that the composition is just flawless. She is the perfect picture, and now she’s one inch apart from me. Anyone could recriminate me so many things, I’ve made so many terrible mistakes, starting from Nayeon and ending in Sana-eonnie, but something you can’t argue is that when times are rough, I have a damn good willpower, and so instead of capturing her lips like my heart and soul are begging me, tearing me apart from inside out, I put my numb arms around her neck and hug her tight.</p><p class="western">The initial surprise leaves space for something else. Her breathing becomes deep, almost heavy, just as slow as she wraps my waist with her arms. Puffs of humid air wet my nape as she breathes on my neck, nose barely touching at first but then sinking in the skin. How naive of me to think this was the safest choice, that a hug would allow me to take a hold on my sanity before everything was lost. Far from it, I’m hit by a wrecking ball of freesia and cinnamon that makes my head spin — what a wrenching feeling in combination with the deep and overwhelming cringe I’m feeling at myself for daring to hug Mina-eonnie like that, in the spur of the moment and with no context whatsoever, not one that I can explain.</p><p class="western">“Yah, yah, Chaeyoung-ah,” her palm pats my back softly once and again. Something’s not right, either I’m dying and my heart is beating faster and more raggedly than is humanly healthy or this sensation in my chest doesn’t belong only to me. But that doesn’t make any sense. Why would Mina’s heart beat so fast? It did take her by surprise but it’s been a while already, or maybe it’s just a weird perception of time product of the situation and the alcohol running in my veins. “Chaeyoung-ah…”</p><p class="western">Her arms loosen around my body but all contact is not lost, her hands remain on my thighs, rigid like claws instead of resting lightly. Even though I am not yet shook by the sad feeling of longing, I still resist to let go for a moment. In fact, it is Mina who pulls back, and she does it so… slightly. Mina stands an inch from my face again, very still. Her breathe hits my chin, speeding my heartbeat up yet still not as much as it felt before. It couldn’t be just mine. Guys, I know I have a tendency to imagine things and misinterpret gestures but I can swear Myoui Mina is looking at my lips right now. I swallow hard and wet my lips by inertia, and the moment Mina seems to lean in… I lean back just as much.</p><p class="western">“Eonnie, what are you doing?” I whisper against her mouth. Mina closes her eyes and her fingernails graze my jeans.</p><p class="western">“Just let me do this.” This time, she grabs a fist full of my shirt to prevent me from putting on the same trick twice.</p><p class="western">An explosion. Guts and entrails sprawled everywhere, left to rot but so magnificently warm. That’s how the first second in which her lips press against mine hits me, with great and stunning force, and I am left dumbfounded, frozen in the most stupid way. FUCKING MOVE, SON CHAEYOUNG! My hands lay on my sides and sink in the cracks of the couch to stop myself from doing something absolutely stupid that would scare the shit out of her. Instead, I do something a little bit less stupid and trap her lower lip with my own. Her lips are not as soft as I imagined, they are so much more — her kiss kills me and rises me alive, every caress, every time she kidnaps one of my lips and reluctantly releases it is more effective than a breath of life. The way her tongue appears to get under my skin... My heart skips a beat and my jaw clenches shut as I force myself to separate and recover my breath.</p><p class="western">“Eonnie, we have drunk a lot, we-” But I don’t get to finish my sentence before she pulls me in again and deprives me from every chance and way to speak.</p><p class="western">“Please,” she speaks against my lips, heavy and ragged breath turning into flames that burn my mouth. Oh, Mina, don’t say that to me, for my mental health. She’s testing all my limits. The way she speaks becomes infectious, it runs up and down my spine, poisoning every nerve ending in the way and nests in a distant place that has been longing for this for too long. Somewhere it shouldn’t. “I know you like Nayeon but just for a moment-” I shut her right there. With my lips. Why would she drop someone else’s name in a moment like this? Nobody else exists right now but her and I, and the last threads of sanity that still fight for their lives while I wipe every trace of it with one kiss after the other, rougher and rougher, but never letting go of my grasp on the couch, not even when her hands slide behind my hips to press me flush against her body. Not even when my legs hug her waist. This! This is what it should have happened last time and not some conversation about a dude.</p><p class="western">When lips open to allow the company of tongues, it is Mina who breaks the kiss. Calm Mina is a sight, flustered and panting Mina is a gift from another world. Swollen lips, rosy cheeks, messy hair, the ghost of my mouth lingering in hers and sweat beads sliding down her neck. I’m not entirely sure what has just happened but it is very clear in my mind that I want it to happen again and again. You know, I believe I’ve done everything in my power to tell myself this very moment would never happen. I’ve avoided her, hidden my feelings, tried to run away from her, and only to fall for her yet again the moment she crossed my mind. Well, now we’re here and I just want more.</p><p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <b>***</b><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">It’s early in the morning, very early, but life feels timeless for me. Not even the freezing cold of the morning breeze has been able to make me wake up from this fantasy. I don’t even have a hangover! This is what sweet dreams are made of, this feeling lingering since the moment I woke up in Mina’s couch. Alone, of course, I don’t know what perverted things you were imagining — who do you think I am? Mina and I… well, we made out for a while. Goodness, Myoui Mina and I made out on her couch, is this even real? My chest isn’t big enough to contain all the happiness I’m feeling right now. I didn’t even know I was capable of feeling all this joy! I’m sorry I’m shouting but that’s what I feel like doing: screaming to the wind, jumping, running, laughing and crying all at the same time. I’m not overexcited, I’m not ecstatic, right now I feel like I bear the power of a goddess. Oh, boy…</p><p class="western">Anyway, I was telling you about the night. Yeah, we made out for a while, all very pure and innocent, I would have never gone further in our state. That’s not how I want to remember it. Then we laughed like fools and talked it through like adults do because that’s what we are, adults. The recap is that both of us were very confused at the time and we’re taking a couple of days to process it but believe it or not guys, I’m just about to date Myoui Mina. Oh my God, I’m going to be Mina’s girlfriend and she’ll be my girlfriend, like girls who love each other and kiss not friends who happen to be girls. Now, I know I shouldn’t go this fast and get all my precious and beautiful hopes up because this is still a plot twist and I have no idea of what’s going through Mina’s head right now but I can’t help myself. I have never been this lucky before and I’m going to enjoy it.</p><p class="western">Come on, I haven’t finish telling you, I start babbling and lose the point. We talked a bit, yes, and decided to see what happens, indeed, and then she told me to spend the night because it was too late for me to go home even though I had definitely sobered up by then, so I took the couch. Yes, I took the couch, because things might have taken a turn but limits still exist and it’s not a matter of breaking them all in one night just because. I want to make things right with Mina, I want to love her well and take care of the bond between us, whatever its nature might turn out to be. Rushing things only ends up in messes and disappointment and I refuse to go through that with her — we are going to build this relationship properly from the very foundation.</p><p class="western">Dancing in such a cloud, I don’t even notice Sana-eonnie until I’m right behind her and she’s inserted the code. Another second and I would have crushed into her but I manage to hit the breaks of this cloud called body right in time while my soul keeps partying in Heaven.</p><p class="western">“Just arriving?” I ask her, likely with a foolish smile since I do feel a lingering pain all over my face. I can’t bring myself to care, honestly.</p><p class="western">“Don’t ask.” No problem, my brain is already barely functioning enough to bring me here and I’ve already got lost in the way here a couple of times if I’m telling the truth. “You?” Sana turns around and quirks an eyebrow the moment she sees my face. “Ok, you’re telling me everything right now.” When she opens the door, she lowers her volume. “Want a coffee?”</p><p class="western">Our parents seem to be still asleep, it’s a Saturday after all, and 8 am is still pretty early. I don’t think Mina takes breakfast when the sun starts breaking in the morning, but she did wake up extra early to make some for the both of us knowing I needed to go home. She’s the sweetest angel… Sana snaps her fingers in front of my eyes and signals the stairs. Words aren’t needed, I know perfectly what to do. While she makes coffee, I go upstairs, stealthily as ever, and mess our beds a bit before changing into my pajamas. Once I’ve gone back to the kitchen, I hand Sana a hair tie that I might have stolen from her a while ago and after putting her pink hair up in a messy bun, she herself goes to get changed while I cook the rice and retrieve the kimchi. Isn’t it funny how far we’ve come? A while ago we couldn’t even stay in the same room without yelling at each other and now we’re perfectly coordinated. Amazing. Life is surprising like this, isn’t it? It’s a continuum of highs and lows but eventually everything falls into place. ‘Continuum’, I don’t think I’ve ever said that word before in my life.</p><p class="western">Everything is just <em>so </em>perfect. My friends are well, Sana-eonnie and I are finally sisters, my relationship with Nayeon has improved to a point I couldn’t have imagined only a few months ago and I may start dating Mina. I can say without a doubt that I am more happy than I’ve ever been in my entire life and I can’t believe everything is turning so well but after all the bad things that have been going on lately, I’m not going to spoil this being all pessimistic and thinking only bad things can come now. No, I’m going to delight myself in every drop of joy I can squeeze from this moment. Really, life has got to a point where I can even talk freely about my feelings for a girl. With my sister. She listens to me quietly while taking her meal and I see in her eyes and nods that she completely understands and that she does feel genuinely happy for me, even if Sana-eonnie, cautious in nature, chooses to share my excitement in this amazing moment in my life but always within what she considers is reasonable. Still, far from what I expected, she doesn’t say a word to discourage me at any point. I’m <em>thriving</em> right now.</p><p class="western">“Do you think she really likes me?”</p><p class="western">“Dammit, Chaeyoung-ah, how can you be so dense?” She hits my arm in the most Nayeon-eonnie way and fully earns my scowl. “I don’t know, she was the one to kiss you, wasn’t she?” That’s true. That’s very true, it was her and it was so good. “I can try to find out more if you want, so you can be prepared for whatever happens.”</p><p class="western">“Really?!” I have the coolest sister, can you see? “Thank you so much, eonnie.” This won’t take you by surprise but I feel like I've sniffed all the cocaine in Vegas. High, that’s what I feel, that is the feeling that brings me to kiss her cheek in gratitude.</p><p class="western">Today is going to be a great day.</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0019"><h2>19. What hides behind the lens. Nayeon.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">Legends say college is a time to enjoy, a chapter of your life that you miss when it's over. I beg to differ. For almost four, no, five years if we count the time I spent preparing my <span>CSAT</span>, I've <span>devoted myself to studying</span> and working my ass off in order to succeed in Seoul National University. My day starts at 6 am — I get ready and study before going to class, take my classes, have something quick to eat, go to rehearsals and as the TA do the teacher's most administrative work, then I go home to study a bit more. Only after doing all of that I have the time to pay every day more reluctant attention to my boyfriend or to willingly go out with my girls, either for dinner or after dinner. After five or six hours of sleep everything repeats, every day of my life except for my few vacations. My friends are the only thing that create some excitement in my life and let me tell you that they are also quite the trouble — if there’s something I’ve learned in my life is that the more you love and care for someone, the more distress they bring into your life. At least my relationship with Chaeyoung has taken a turn for the better, that wasn’t something I expected this year but I’m really glad we could talk… and even gladder such a talk could be sincere.<em> That</em> is something that has felt like lifting a weight from my chest.<em> Y</em>ou would think that <span>the Chaeyoung situation was a big portion</span> of my anxiety and it was a chunk, don’t get me wrong, but there's a trick. My main source of stress isn't exactly her, that spot has been occupied by Yoo Jeongyeon for so long it's starting to get old.</p><p class="western">Allow me to be honest with you, I am in love with Yoo Jeongyeon, always have and probably always will. Knowing this, it would be normal if you thought my distress comes from my hopeless, unrequited love but it's not that. At least not all of it. The gods of destiny wanted me to miserably fall for an empty-headed dimwit with the self-esteem of a plastic straw.</p><p class="western">My phone bounces on the mattress and falls to the ground with a thud. Shit. Lazily, I let myself fall on the bed and stretch to reach the device that has slid under it. It works, marvelous. No, not so great — the moment I turn on the phone I'm welcomed yet again by the video of Jeong having coffee with him. The one who shall not be named. '<em>We are not dating anymore, Nayeon</em>', she tries to bullshit me. '<em>You don' t know anything about him</em>', more than I'd like, I can tell you. '<em>I make my own choices</em>', yeah, and she chooses wrong!</p><p class="western">Seeing her going back to him so <span>inevitably</span> every single time makes me physically sick already but the fact that she lies to my face is what really makes my blood boil. The asshole has not only sucked my best friend’s brain until reducing her to a pathetic shadow of herself but also poisoned our friendship, condemning it to… whatever it is now. It’s funny, after all the things I’ve done and that will weight on my conscience forever only to preserve and protect my bond with Jeongyeon, after all the tears and the everlasting struggle to be there for her always and forever despite being so painfully in love with her, it is a ball of cyanide in a pretty enough envelope what will tear us apart. A boy, it’s so unoriginal that i<span>t makes me release a guffaw</span>.</p><p class="western">My first impulse is to throw the phone through the window but I shouldn’t break anything, MoJiMi are on their way for a peaceful free morning, the only one I’ve taken since probably Christmas day. No… yeah because the morning after Mina’s birthday I did study. I had slept like 4 hours tops and got a slight hangover but still I used my remaining energy to do it. That’s commitment, not like Jeongyeon’s, who’s not coming because she’s busy with <em>someone.</em> We get into fights often about her or me spending more time with our respective boyfriends than with each other but it’s pointless — she’ll never understand and I cannot tell her. I can’t just explain to her how I need to step back and take some distance from her, for my sanity’s sake.</p><p class="western">“Yoda, you have to be careful going with this camera to those neighborhoods you sneak into.” A familiar voice in the hallway draws my attention.</p><p class="western">“But that’s where the good shots are.” Robotic and lifeless but with a hint of innocence.</p><p class="western">I approach the door slowly and open just a crack to take a peek.</p><p class="western">“Just saying,” Chaeyoung says, tiredly as they descend the stairs. If it was for her, they would have probably taken the elevator but I’ve noticed the maknae never uses it. Is it because of a fitness goal or because she’s scared? The thought makes a mischievous smirk tug from my lips. “At least call Dubu…” Tzuyu snorts loudly. I don’t know what they’re talking about but it sounds sketchy. They’re so busted. “No, better call me if you’re planning on going.” Chaeyoung stops in the floor while the other one keeps descending and takes a picture of her. “Looks so good in this light. Do you mind if I take a few more indoors?”</p><p class="western">What are these two plotting on a Sunday already? If it was Dahyun and Chaeyoung, I’d say something that would get them in trouble but if it is Tzuyu who accompanies her, things change. She’s always been the one to bring reason into that group of smurfs, I get why she’s so stiff and lacks any fun bone in her amazingly built structure, she needs to compensate the craziness of the other two. I would pity her if I didn’t know those three are happier together than anywhere else. They remind me a bit of Jihyo, Jeong and I in our good days, although I wish them something entirely different.</p><p class="western">They’re taking pictures <span>behind the building</span>. That sounded sketchy, I need to clarify that particular alley is considered the ‘backyard’ of the dormitory — SNU is demanding and pricey but in exchange we get a great education and green spaces you will struggle to find in many other parts of Seoul. It does surprise me to see that this time it is Tzuyu the one behind the lens and Chaeyoung the one that plays the model part. It’s not a backhanded comment, it’s just that the roles are most often reversed although I guess Chaeyoung doesn’t take the camera often to photograph people, she’s much more of a paint and brushes kind of girl. Although she did an exception once for me. A smile tugs on my lips at the memory, fun times — I remember the… heat of that afternoon, it did make up for all the struggle to hide my face and anything that could have identified me as her model. Nobody <span>wants to be known around the university as the girl of the naked pictures,</span> even if they’re artistic. The rush of adrenaline when the exposition opened didn’t allow me to sleep in a week, I can only imagine how Chaeyoung must have felt. What’s funnier is that the exhibition was around Christmas, all the more appropriate. <span>Look, Chaeyoung is</span> reckless and crazy but also so damn brave to break the mold, she’s such an artist in heart and soul. The level in the exhibition was pretty high, some photos were absolutely incredible. The p<span>ictures</span> were shown only by the name of the composition, no names, and voted or rated by teachers and some experts that made the jury. Sadly, my naked body was too much for some sensibilities in spite of Chaengie’s magnificent taste but I honestly don’t blame them. N<span>ot everyone can handle the sight of a goddess</span>. <span>At least</span>, the winning photo was also worth the honor.</p><p class="western">My phone boozes inside my back pocket and makes me ticklish. <span>Jihyo has sent</span> a picture of Chaeyoung posing for Tzuyu right… Oh, they’re here already.</p><p class="western">“<span>What are you doing here, eonnies</span>?” Tzuyu turns towards them, carefully letting the camera hang from her neck.</p><p class="western">It is Momoring the first one to reach them, running to try to hug Tzuyu. She rejects her like usual and yet in a way politer manner than she uses when it’s me trying to be nice. Between her rude ways and our last argument, I’m going to start thinking she hates me. Yeah, we did have a moment with a lot of yelling a few weeks ago but that’s a story for another day, <span>my name has been spoken</span>.</p><p class="western">“We were meeting Nayeon but if you’re doing a photo shoot we’ll drop her.”</p><p class="western">“I’ve heard you, Hirai Momo,” I yell despite being quite close already and Momo makes a grimace. She’s lucky she’s my peach sister, otherwise I wouldn’t fall so willingly into her embrace. “Hey, isn’t Bashful with you?” I ask Chaeyoung only to participate in the conversation, really.</p><p class="western">“Who?” Her face will never stop being funny, she’s so expressive. Even right now somebody would normally just ask unfazed but her brows furrow in the most comical way.</p><p class="western">“Dahyun,” I reply with a mean smile. “She’s helping with our musical and she’s always so blushy and quiet.” I’m not lying. In fact, I’d think something’s amiss if it wasn’t because Sanake has that effect in mostly everyone. I swear I’ve even seen Tzuyu being timid around her, can you believe that?</p><p class="western">“But why ‘<em>bashful</em>’?”</p><p class="western">I thought my chuckle was revealing enough.</p><p class="western">“She’s toying with you, don’t listen to her,” Jihyo, I’m going to have to include her in the No Jam Bro faction.</p><p class="western">“It’s the dwarf, isn’t it?” I have to laugh.Even Momo has grasped it before them and normally she’s not very quick to get my jokes, she’s too pure to understand.</p><p class="western">“Bashful, Grumpy,” I say as I point at the maknae,“and Dopey,” and finish pointing at Chaeyoung.</p><p class="western">They are a tough audience today but they do laugh at the joke. Half-joke, they’re exactly Bashful, Grumpy and Dopey. Grumpy in special is now glaring at me and folding her arms, it’s so amusing I do answer her by blowing a kiss in her direction. Pissing the maknae off is one of my favorite times lately, we have great banter and I know even if she’s a rude kid she isn’t aiming to be hurtful. The girl groans and turn away in hopes of going back to their doings, fully intending to ignore me as if that was so easy. It is Chaeyoung the one that goes with my humor and starts whining like a child.</p><p class="western">“Why am I Dopey?!” Because he is dense but extra cute.</p><p class="western">“<span>He’s </span>cute.” Exactly my po- Has Myoui Mina just called Chaeyoung ‘<em>cute</em>’? Red creeps the girl’s face from her ears to her hairline and her gaze falls to inspect something really interesting on her feet, a sheepish smile growing wider and wider on her dace. The other girl is grinning brightly as well, is it possible that is there anything going on in here? Son Chaeyoung, you are one lucky bastard. She’s not going to hear the end of this.</p><p class="western">“More photos, less talking,” Grumpy scolds us between gritted teeth. I mean Tzuyu.</p><p class="western"><span>T</span>he atmosphere between Mina and Chae maybe is indeed a bit tense but not in a bad way. Hidden glances fly here and there while Chaeyoung timidly participates in her friend’s photo shoot and said friend yells at her for not paying attention. Actually, Tzuyu gets so frustrated with the cub’s behavior and inconvenient fluster that she ends up replacing her and asking Jihyo and Momoring to pose for her. I will ignore the fact that she has had the nerve of excluding me only because I’m having too much fun behind the lens, watching those two dimwits have half-interactions and tinkering with their fingers or clothes to pretend there’s nothing going on. There’s definitely a lot going on and I want to know absolutely everything.</p><p class="western">“Chaeyoung-ah!” I call for her and her head, previously turned probably to have the slightest piece of Mina in her visual field, darts to me. I know her so well I could be her mother… although that would be weird. “Take some pictures of me too!”</p><p class="western">“I don’t have my camera with me.” She walks towards me not to have to yell, this is the perfect chance.</p><p class="western">“Then use my phone.” I take the device and extend my arm a bit. Only a bit, not too much, forcing her to come even closer. “Here, I’ll show you.”</p><p class="western">“But I’ve tak-”</p><p class="western">“You tiny Casanova,” I murmur as soon as she’s within my reach.</p><p class="western">“Huh?” She doesn’t know how to lie, there’s suspicion sprawled all over her face. Releasing a chuckle, I point at Mina slightly with my head and wiggle my eyebrows. “Shut up,” she grunts like a baby lion as her face turns the color of strawberries yet again.</p><p class="western">“This is gonna be so much fun,” I giggle to her ear as I hug her and end up kissing her cheek.</p><p class="western">“Eonnie!” she complains but still grabs my phone and takes a few steps back.</p><p class="western">“Make me look even prettier, if that’s humanly possible.”</p><p class="western"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">Time flies and soon the light changes, fortunately for the better. <span>Yet</span>, to squeeze all the juice from this marvelous moment, Tzuyu and Chae professionally decide to change locations. <span>In full confidence</span>, I find it very charming <span>those moments </span>the children are able to show hints of their journey to adulthood. Although maybe I shouldn’t be so patronizing since I did date one of them. Anyway, what were we even going to do today? That’s been lost forgotten, now all my energy is focused on messing with the lovey dovey couple. When at first I found out about Chaeyoung’s feelings for Mina, I thought the cub was set to hit a wall face first — to be honest, I never thought these two were a possibility but another sad story that I know all too well. I never wanted that pain for Chaeyoung. Never. As time passed by, I hoped she would just be able to move on because I knew nothing I could tell her would fix the tragic reality: Mina would never love her like she wanted to and she would never be able to forget her. I knew fate was a fickle <span>jerk but I’m glad to witness first hand how it can also be grateful sometimes. Maybe Mina and Chaeyoung are destined to be together after all.</span></p><p class="western">“I need to make this better somehow,” Chaeyoung mutters to herself, <span>checking</span> the photos she’s just taken in the camera.</p><p class="western">“Make it gay,” I whisper in her ear as I pass by and slap her butt before joining Mina and Momoring. It’s not an inappropriate spank but more of a ‘I’m messing with you and Mina keeps glaring at me so I’m having a blast’ kind of gesture.</p><p class="western">In fact, Mina doesn’t reply to this with a glare, not at first anyway. When I join them under the shadow of a thick tree she’s plainly gawking and it is the moment I give her a smile overfilled with feign innocence that the shadow of death crosses her gaze, giving me the chills. Who would have thought our princess Myoui Mina was the jealous type of girl? She’s turning green. At least she’s the kind of getting mad at the <em>threat</em>, not the partner, and she doesn’t have to worry about Chaeyoung since she has her under her spell and when the tiny cub gives her heart to someone, she does it unconditionally. In any case, it is me who should beware. I’ve never been prouder of my acting skills — the art of ruffling feathers is a delicate one, especially when it involves secret bounds like this one. If I were too obvious in my intentions, Mina could realize I’m doing all of this purposefully to have some fun at their expense and to flare up that growing Michaeng flame. We don’t want that — it wouldn’t only cease the fun but she could also freak out knowing someone else knows about them. I wouldn’t create unnecessary problems to Chaeyoung like that but what I can and will do is picking on her a little bit more… later.</p><p class="western">Foreseeing if I keep on this path I’m going to get in trouble, I decide to go bother someone else before Mina carves holes in my face or Momoring hurts herself trying to find out how the tripod works without proper supervision because I’m disturbing the only one of us who knows how to use one. Of course, the chosen one is not other than our maknae. Jihyo has gone to the bathroom, Chae is taking pictures and I don’t want to go back to the corner of murder, it’s her turn to deal with me.</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu-yah, do I look pretty?” I ask as I stand in front of her, pretending <span>to make some posing work</span> for a picture despite she's not the one using the camera at the moment.</p><p class="western">Under normal circumstances she’d just ignore me but she <span>must</span> be feeling frisky today because she makes the enormous effort to spare me a single glance and comments while she keeps working on whatever she’s doing with some lenses:</p><p class="western">“Do I look like Jeongyeon?” I have already enough experience in Chou Tzuyu’s mean demeanor to know that metallic, extremely robotic voice announces a very sharp, legendary jab to the gut. Like every time, I just don’t know from where it will come...</p><p class="western">“No, why?” ...so I feel the compulsive need to <span>go with </span>her game rules.</p><p class="western">“Why do you think I’d lie?” Yup, that hurt more than I thought. Her mind is absolutely amazing.</p><p class="western">“Boom,” I hear Mina quietly say under her breath. No, not only me, Chae also hears her and finds it really amusing. It is fun in some way, I can’t even sneer at them, I totally had it coming. What amazes me the most is that Myoui Mina can be mean, honestly, I didn’t think she had it in her. This is being such a formative day.</p><p class="western">“You’re so mean.” My whiny tone is totally fake but every punchline deserves a reaction, and mine while not intended to hurt will be aimed precisely to where she hates the most. “You know what? I thought that you hated me but I think you like me.”</p><p class="western">It is a second, a twitch of her eyes as she reacts to my comment, but enough to bring an enormous wave of satisfaction. You know, the problem with Tzuyu is that she thinks she’s so tough and enlightened. As the self-appointed official moral compass, <span>Tzuyu</span> believes she has the right to judge everything and everyone. She’s judge and executioner and believes she can behave like that with me and face no backlash because she’s somehow immune to me but she doesn’t know the first thing I did as soon as I learned to talk was sassing. Even in kindergarten I was reckless. Later on I learned how to cover my sass not to get scolded for it but still be able to subtly destroy the hell out of assholes. She does do a fine job spotting soft spots, I’ll give her that, but honey, you’re talking to the Queen.</p><p class="western">“You think wrong.” My, my… the puppy shows her fangs. I can’t help my giggle, her bunched up face is adorable.</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu-yah, be more respectful!” Jihyo shouts on her way back, making the younger girl wince.</p><p class="western">“You think wrong, <em>eonnie</em>,” she mutters behind gritted teeth.</p><p class="western">This is one of the best days of the year so far.</p><p class="western"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">My belly is growling by the time I can get a hold on the damn camera. It’s heavier than I thought, so I secure the strap around my neck before starting what I’ll call my Montessori learning of photography. Let me tell you that cameras are way more complicated than I ever thought. They’re full of buttons and dials and all of them look terribly fragile and expensive, so I decide on keeping it simple and restrict my shenanigans to aim and shoot.</p><p class="western">The first in line is Momoring, she keeps checking her phone while she pretends to listen to Jihyo. She’s telling her about that Amazon shipping that got delayed a week ago. It was three days, for fuck’s sake! Maybe if she stopped shopping online so <span>often</span> she wouldn’t <span>notice</span> the shipping network mishaps so badly. Right! Let me take a Michaeng photo. What a couple of morons, really — they keep looking at each other and averting each other’s gaze like shy and virginal wenches. They deceive nobody, I bet what they’re doing so eagerly on their phones is texting each other. The picture is amazing, I’m so damn good. Well, maybe it’s not exactly focused but it’s still very pretty. How can I make this zoom and thingy work?</p><p class="western">Most people look better in person and while Tzuyu-yah is not an exception, her image through the lens is still outstandingly gorgeous. Not even under torture I’d admit again her beauty might be a bit flashier than mine… <span>more obvious, if you will, at first glance anyway but in my case a second later you can</span>’t already handle the perfection of my face while in hers it’s just the same, horizontal, boring feeling, no surprises or further excitement. Her body proportions are incredible, I’ll give her that. It’s easy to understand the boys get so mesmerized they can’t just stay away from her <span>— if they just didn’t put on such</span> rude and undesirable behavior bordering and <span>often</span> even trespassing the lines of harassment… Uh, I got mad there, sorry. It bothers me enough when people, mostly men, are disgusting to random women but if they mess with my girls, pure fury takes over me. Moving on, perhaps that’s the thing, maybe it is such unwanted attention what makes her prefer standing behind the lens <span>instead</span>. Let’s be real, our Chou Tzuyu could perfectly live of modeling. Actually, didn’t some agency approach her last year? Chaeng might have told me something about it, it sort of rings a bell. Anywa- Wow! I quickly take the shot.</p><p class="western">“Wow, the wind moved your hair!”<em> This</em> is a worthy picture, I didn’t even have to move anything. I’m so fucking good at this. “You looked like a shampoo commercial.”</p><p class="western">“Thanks, I guess.” There must be a way to save this… Wait, has Chou Tzuyu just said ‘thank you’? When I look, she’s <span>walking towards the lovey dovey couple</span>.</p><p class="western">“I’m hungry!” Momo starts <span>crying out like a baby</span>.</p><p class="western">“You’re always hungry, Momoring,” Jihyo responds, paying little to no attention to her as she decides the composition of the scene for the last shooting.</p><p class="western">“I’m hungry too, though.” I waddle towards Momo and fall into her arms. We’re peach sisters, we don’t need to speak to agree on giving Jihyo our best puppy eyes. Still, she remains unfazed. “How sad it is that I’m the only snack in here?” Momo shoots me a glare and stops hugging me but it is our maknae who is more incisive.</p><p class="western">“Go home and have some, then,” she scoffs, exuding boredom, and only looks up to meet Jihyo’s gaze and add almost with resignation: “eonnie.”</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu-ssi…” Before I can do anything to further mess with her, Chaeyoung comes to her rescue. Hers or mine? I don’t know, Tzuyu looks pretty on the verge by now.</p><p class="western">“We have to finish this today, eonnie.”</p><p class="western">“There’s always a little time for a snack, Chaeyoungie.” I can’t help the wink that follows as well as I can do nothing about Tzuyu’s annoyance or Mina’s growing anger. Although that’s <span>a bit of a lie</span>, I could always make things even worse. “Come on, Chewy.” Let’s put the blame on<span> my unstoppable compulsion to bring people over the edge, in all the senses of the word, if you know what I mean. That was a joke, don’t worry. Half a joke.</span></p><p class="western">“No, eonnie. Why don’t you go fuck yourself, eonnie?” I didn’t expect her to lash out like that and neither did them but the absolute silence tells me that nobody is thriving the way I am right now. I’m the eldest, the<em> eonnie</em>, nobody talks to me like that, not even Jeongyeon during our usual bickering and banter. Coming from the maknae, I honestly don’t know whether to be mad at her or laugh <span>out loud</span>.</p><p class="western">“Language!” Jihyo does decide to be very angry.</p><p class="western">“Why don’t you fuck me yourself if you’re so wild and edgy?” I answer glibly and regret it immediately <span>while </span>words keep coming. When I <span>manage</span> to stop talking, it’s already too late.</p><p class="western">“Nayeon!”</p><p class="western">“Alright,” Tzuyu’s deadpan does make me stagger. Like… what?</p><p class="western">“Wait, really?”</p><p class="western">“Not in your best dreams.” That’s what I thought. <span>The child is toying with you again, Nayeonnie, get your head in the game!</span></p><p class="western">“Honestly, I don’t know who’s the maknae anymore.” Jihyo’s done with us, I should probably stop but I told you about my compulsion to… yeah?</p><p class="western">“Obviously Tzutzu, she just keeps saying stupid things.”</p><p class="western">“Nayeon-eonnie.” Bitch! I gasp in outrage yet a <span>grin</span> appears on my face, stupidly. This kid, I swear… I should take her under my wing and show her the ways of evil, she’d be a great pupil, but I’m certain she’d cut it off.</p><p class="western">“Enough, I want you on different sides of the set.” I am the eldest but Jihyo will always be the mom, I accepted it long ago, hence I do obey without complaining. Moreover, if I keep going down this path, I’ll end up getting in real trouble and I don’t want that either.</p><p class="western">“I’m still hungry,” Momo murmurs with a pout as she rubs her tummy. <span>Remind me </span>to work on getting abs as well.</p><p class="western">Hunger and all, we can’t go without finishing the shooting. No, that’s not true — we could go and leave the maknaes to their luck but Mina won’t move and Jihyo has got her pictures taken in the background she’s put together by staying so the morning keeps extending indefinitely. At least Momo’s suffering just like me, more even, I’d say — Jihyo and Mina have taken it upon themselves to distract her, joined by the maknae while Chaeyoung does… I don’t even know what she’s doing, I just know she’s putting me through labor right now. Not even messing with the couple feels exciting anymore as boredom washes over me <span>since</span> Chaeyoung decided I am the optimal person to help her with some… camera… thingies. What is this? It looks like a gun but is obviously not a gun. Boring. I leave it next to the dildo that is sadly not a dildo, the lenses and the other lenses that are not lenses either. Meddling with camera components is no fun, what I want is taking more pictures.</p><p class="western">They do look like having a great time, laughing, bickering, basking in the soft warmth of the sun brushing their skin. Mina’s soft voice has even g<span>rown</span> louder, enough to be heard above Momo’s high pitched cries. I snap a picture, it’s not bad. More giggling, even louder — Momo’s belly roars like a lion and it cracks everybody up. Snap.</p><p class="western">“Stop it, Nayeon-ah,” Jihyo complains, covering her face with a hand.</p><p class="western">“What do you think you’re doing, eonnie?” Tzuyu’s surprisingly bright smile drops as her brow <span>creases into</span> a scowl.</p><p class="western">“You were laughing, I needed proof.” The maknae releases a sigh of exhaustion.</p><p class="western">“Don’t play with my camera, please,” she asks, totally defeated. Poor thing.</p><p class="western">“I’m not playing, it’s a rare and gorgeous picture.” <span>I’m not lying at all. The small screen shows the image of the three girls but as I still haven’t learned how to properly use the camera, the only one on focus is Tzuyu. I don’t think… I’ve hardly ever seen her showing anything but a poker face or plain annoyance. Even in Chaeyoung’s paintings or pictures she’s sporting a serious model face or a tiny and timid smile. Her toothy smile, though, is something very different, puppy-like. Not only her face is unrealistically proportionate but her teeth are also perfectly designed, I hate her. Not really, it’s just an expression, it’s always nice to live surrounded by beauty, it helps you forget how ugly life can be. Her grin shows something you aren’t likely to see in Tzuyu, emotion, a raw innocence that might open a gate for vulnerabilities you’d never thought an iron girl like her would hold inside. At the end of the day, we’re all wearing the same mask. </span>“Your smile is…” Impressive, cute, unexpected, pretty, bright, Colgate worthy, annoyingly perfect, surreal… There are so many adjectives I could use but I just don’t, I leave the sentence hanging as she rolls her eyes and snatches the camera from my hands to give it to Chaeyoung, fuming like a bull. It’s so wonderful to annoy her.</p><p class="western">Chaeyoung. She’s frowning, struggling to understand. Maybe she wasn’t expecting me to keep getting in trouble, or what motivates her expression is the way I shrug it off. Should I make use of this dead moment to call Minho? Or text him to remind him I’m free this afternoon, my body is craving some making out and, honestly, some hard sex after all the studying of the week. Ouch, no, he was out with friends today, that sucks… I could always call Sana, although she hasn’t answered to my texts since <span>that pretty intense conversation</span>. Actually...</p><p class="western">“Hey, guys, you won’t happen to know where Sanake is, right?” I ask, slowly approaching the group.</p><p class="western">“She hasn’t answered our text <span>since...</span>” Momo starts saying but suddenly Mina slaps her arm, eyes fixed on her phone.</p><p class="western">“Momoring, Satang is alive.” Good to know.</p><p class="western">“She hasn’t texted us 24h, we were gonna report her to the police,” the Japanese woman completes. Sincerely, I’m not surprised she’s needed some time to figure things out. It only makes it highly inconvenient because I feel a bit needy and she’s my only booty call unless… No, <span>things will get weird again. Shit. Maybe Sana feeling vulnerable is good, she gets pretty horny when she’s sad… Don’t even dare to judge me for that, comfort and very twisted issues are the foundation of our weird thing together. I should give it a try now she’s replying and… Well, this is the fastest I’ve even been rejected in my life. Not without regret I’ll admit I answer her not explained negative with a sad face to try to scratch some pity but the odds don’t seem to want me to get laid today. Great.</span></p><p class="western">“She hasn’t talked to you, guys?” The two Japanese girls shake their heads and Chaeyoung folds her arms. “Weird. She was in her bedroom all day yesterday but she didn’t seem anything but normal.”</p><p class="western">You can’t trust her, <span>though</span> — Chaeyoung has always been too dense to notice anyone’s inner struggles and feelings. If you were to ask her anything in the world about Mina, however, she’d probably be spot on, from the shades of emotion in her eyes to the <span>various</span> colors in her voice. Chaeyoungie’s attention span has always been pretty reduced and now more than ever it’s set exclusively on a different Japanese girl. She even dares to steal a picture of her. Mina acts surprised and shy when she hears the snap, pretending the thought or desire of Chaeyoung being so fascinated by her to take her as her muse. When the younger girl shows her the picture, their shoulders brush and Mina subtly leans against her while a soft blush spread through her cheeks. They’re so absolutely chaotic, I wonder how long this has been going on, maybe not the active flirting between them but the acknowledgment as a potential partner — I know Chaeyoung has been long gone but Mina? It personally annoys me that I missed that, I’m usually very quick on the uptake. Life has been too hectic lately, I guess, but that only means now I can make up for all the missed opportunities.</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu-yah,” I call her softly under my breath. It takes two intents to draw her attention but finally she looks at me and I sneakily point at the couple <span>with raised</span> eyebrows.</p><p class="western">“Mina-eonnie!” she suddenly says. For a moment I wonder if she’s going to protect her friend and ruin my plans but instead she tenderly grabs the camera from Chaeyoung’s hands and asks: “Could you pose for me?” I see where she’s going, I wasn’t wrong thinking she’d be good at this.</p><p class="western">She works very professionally. I’m talking about Tzuyu although Mina seems a natural at modeling, to be honest — yes, she’s camera shy at first but she’s capable of immediately grasping Tzuyu’s directions and let me tell you the pictures are absolutely incredible. Of course mine would be just as good if not better if I knew how to focus the image.</p><p class="western">“You still have to make me a photo shoot, Tzuyu-ssi.” It’s a silly comment referring to a previous discussion/argument/banter/debate massacre we had not so long ago but she seems to take it to heart.</p><p class="western">“You can’t afford me,” she scoffs and pushes me lightly away. Artists, who gets them?</p><p class="western">“Chaeyoung-ah!” Let’s get this over with. I make a gesture so she will approach and when she does, I hold her hand and drag her to the front to where Mina’s posing. “We need to spice things up.”</p><p class="western">“What are you doing?” she groans trying to be as quiet as possible.</p><p class="western">“Making it gay,” I <span>mouth to her</span> and draw the biggest smirk on my face. “Mina-ssi, I’ll need you to put your hand on her waist.”</p><p class="western">“Where?!” The soft hue of her cheeks is turning a flashy red. When I turn around Tzuyu’s watching us with an entertained expression on her face. This is going to be fun.</p><p class="western"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">We decide to have lunch at my <span>bedroom</span>. It’s not a big room, <span>definitely</span> not enough for 6 people, but still we manage to fit on the floor with our ordered food. Some arrangements have to be made for that, like Jihyo fitting between the tall maknae’s legs and Chaeyoung squeezing between Mina’s. She’s welcome. I wonder how they haven’t fainted yet, they can’t even stop smiling like fools, even Jihyo has noticed and asked them what’s going on. Much to our surprise it is our pretty peach the one to save the day by whining and fake complaining about how evil they are to be making Jihyo the butt of the jokes only because she’s tinier than Tzuyu. Of course Jihyo gets all pissy about it, there are only two topics she’s sensitive about and those are her height and age. She isn’t mad but I have to feed her the rest of her meal since she will just pout and let it get cold. Sometimes I forget I’m older than her.</p><p class="western">I’m generally happy about how the day has turned out, and the photos are really good, specially mine, but all of them. It is easy to distinguish who took which — Momo’s are very close takes (I can’t believe she found the zoom and didn’t tell me) mainly Jihyo’s eyes (it might not be so zoomed); Jihyo’s are selfies and pictures of us, always of us, some I need to upload to Instagram later; Chaeyoung’s are closeups of the girls (mainly Mina) and flowers, leaves and other elements of nature. However, Tzuyu’s are the ones that stand out the most. Pretty photos of Jihyo, Momo, Chae, Mina and them both together. They look like a perfume advertisement. Damn, this camera must have like 1TB of memory, there are more than a thousand pictures here! The girls leave place for landscapes and streets and...</p><p class="western">“Hey, these are actually very good. Who took these?” Photos of the people, just the people. In the streets, shopping, kids playing in parks but also eating scarcely inside basement apartments. The lighting, the angle and the feeling, they’re like songs that make you cry.</p><p class="western">“Yoda did.”</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu-yah, this <span>one</span>’s sick.” I point at a particular one that shows <span>a man in a ragged suit job hunting, flickering through job advertisements on his iPhone</span>. “Brilliant…”</p><p class="western">“Yoda here has the eye for photography. Remember that photo of the little gir-“</p><p class="western">“No way!” It was hers. “In the Christmas festival!” She won. “It was yours?” she shrugs it off.</p><p class="western">“You can hate her now, eonnie, she won over you.” My heart stops abruptly. Son fucking Chaeyoung. Her smirk disappears gradually as she realizes she’s fucked up.</p><p class="western">“But Nayeon doesn’t do photography, obviously.” Jihyo takes the camera away from my hands and searches for my photos. When she gets to them, she shows it to the res. “See? They’re not even focused!”</p><p class="western">“Excuse you, my photos are better than yours,” I complain, more to take the spotlight away from the topic than to argue. My photos are the best.</p><p class="western">“Momo’s not even in the frame here!” Chaeyoung tries to make up for her slip-up.</p><p class="western">Some of you may wonder how can I keep lying to someone who has been my friend all my life, how can I deceive someone who has shared with me almost every memory of my life since I can remember. It’s not easy but practice makes perfection — I guess that’s part of the reason why I have such a gift at acting, because it comes off as something absolutely normal to me. Honestly, I doubt Jihyo would be offended, neither at my constant lies nor my liking for women. Although it could surely come as a surprise to her, she’s always been the diplomatic and understanding type yet that’s exactly why I do it. The reality is that I can’t share this with Jeongyeon as well for obvious reasons and I don’t want to drag her into my lies, to be an accomplice and force her to hide things from Jeongyeon as well — as headstrong as she’s more often than not, I know this wouldn’t be one of those times when I want to choke her. If I asked her to, she’d take the secret to the grave. ‘<em>You could just not tell her about Jeong’</em>, you may think so but despite what it seems, my friend here is more quick on the uptake than you think. If she gets the lead (aka. my bisexuality), she would find out sooner or later and I prefer to have that conversation with her planning it beforehand than being forced into it. Not that I have a speech prepared since I was like 16 and I tend to repeat and improve it anxiously form time to time when I’m in the shower.</p><p class="western">No, things are the best they can be just the way they are now, and fortunately Mina gets a call from her mother, the conversation dies down and we start cleaning up. The topic doesn’t come up again but the pain in my chest remains until they’re gone.</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0020"><h2>20. In which she's not just a common girl. Chaeyoung.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western"> </p><p class="western">Nothing is adding up. Everything was going great, smoothly, for days life has been like another different reality, the one it was meant to be from the very beginning. Everything felt so right, so perfect, and as a result everyone has been in an exceptional mood, especially this last week. Boy, last week I had <span>the best</span> time of my life, at least my adult life, competing with when Dahyun’s parents took us to Disneyland. On Tuesday I visited the puppy rescue center with Yoda and Jeongyeon after picking strawberries and it was one of the most fulfilling things I’ve done in my life. Moreover, I know for certain Yoda had a blast as well. Someday, when she moves out of the dorm and gets her own apartment, I’ll get a puppy for her — it’s funny how everyone always believes Tzuyu is cold or emotionless when in reality she’s the sweetest and most human of us all. This might surprise you but she’s also a secret cry baby — I still remember how much she wept when her parents went back to Taiwan. Dahyun and I <span>decided to</span> move to the dorm to be with her until she adjusted to live alone, I can only imagine how scared she must have felt. Some might think it was childish of her but this is not her country after all, you know? She’s been living here for five or six years but it’s not the same, it may never be. Still we keep doing all we can to make this a home for her, for our Yoda, and I think we’re doing a pretty rad job so far, what do you think?</p><p class="western">Okay, I’ve just realized I’ve totally lost my point and I was talking about something else. Right, everything has been awesome lately: Mina and I have been… talking… <em>talking</em>, Dahyun has been more hyper than ever, Tzuyu still has that after-<span>playing-with-puppies</span> face, and regarding our eonnies, I <span>have only been able to meet with Momo frequently</span> but I know for a fact that they are doing great. Sanna-eonnie, for instance, has been so loud lately that mom has had to force her to turn off her phone before midnight, at age 21. I have no clue what she’s been doing lately and I don’t really want to ask, the only thing I know is that when the house falls silent at night, the only thing you can hear is a set of evil giggles coming from her room. Creepy as <em>heck.</em></p><p class="western">Being this the case, what’s changed today? No idea but we were supposed to meet for a School Meal Club meal, a happy lunch, and instead of eating and participating in conversation Dahyun’s tteokbokki has got cold while she keeps playing with it, light completely absent from her face and a gray and <span>gloomy mist in her eyes</span>. Anyone can have a bad day but the weirdest thing is that this morning she was fine, Sana and I picked her up like every day, we went to class and at some point her mood has degraded to this terrible and arid territory. As far as I know, she’s done great on all her tests and she’s following her schedule correctly, <span>unl</span>ike my useless self.</p><p class="western">A phone buzzes on the table. It’s Tzuyu’s, someone has been pretty solicited all week as well. She barely pays attention to it, however, she just turns the sound off and we share a look. If something ugly is <span>running through our leader’s head, we’ll smash it silent.</span></p><p class="western">“Sana-eonnie looks so pretty today,” Yoda comments since small talk wasn’t attention-grabbing enough. “Have you seen her?”</p><p class="western">“When you thought her hair couldn’t be more amazing, a ribbon!” Even I join their nonsensical banter about my sister in hopes she’ll cheer up and join us. Do I feel like throwing up? Absolutely, but that’s what you do for a friend, fake <span>drooling</span> <span>over </span>your own step sister if it’s necessary. Our efforts end up being futile, however. She just winces like she’s trying not to cry and clenches her jaw but has nothing to add. Her lip quivers and she stops it by taking the first bite of food in half an hour. What’s wrong? Okay, this is not working, we need new tactics. “I think the tickets for IU’s concert will be <span>for sale</span> soon and I bet my dad can get three for us.” Idols have always been her weak spot yet this time it seems to make no effect on her. <span>This might be more serious than we thought</span>.</p><p class="western">The spark of worry shines in Tzuyu’s gaze as well, more intensely as our friend keeps ignoring us or dismissing our questions with monosyllables and tiny smiles that never reach her eyes. Should we sit closer to her and hug her? Were we to do that she could feel overwhelmed, she could even cry and she hates doing it in public. We need to take her aside and have an open conversation with her so she can vent. Yeah, that’s it, we need some private place where she can <span>bawl</span> her eyes out if she needs to. Maybe Tzuyu’s bedroom, the Art room is pretty packed lately.</p><p class="western">“Chaeyoung-ah, it seems I’m the only competitor to your sister’s heart now.” Yoda’s phone buzzes again, I thought she had muted it. “You’ll address me as your sister-in-law now.”</p><p class="western">“Shut up, Tzumong.” Finally a strong reaction. Yoda knows best where to hit the iceberg <span>to break it although this time I’m not sure it’s been for the better. Normally, when they bicker like this about Sana they can get more or less upset but the banter is full of half-jokes and teases; however, the tone Dahyun uses against Tzuyu today is harsh, cold, even when she calls her by an endearing nickname. What is she holding back? What’s happened? I’ve been all day with her, she can’t have just-</span></p><p class="western">“Chaeyoung-ah, you better be eating your <span>vegetables</span>.”</p><p class="western">Talking of the devil, our J-line arrives with my step sister leading the formation and ready to nag me. She won’t be able to bother me today, though — the only one I see and hear is my pretty Black Swan. My Mina. Mine. My heart flutters with the mere sight of her, long raven mane falling like a waterfall over her shoulders, standing out against the pure white color of her turtleneck. She’s so stylish, like a CEO, no, a model extracted from Vogue magazine. Something really interesting about Mina that I hadn’t realized until I tried to paint her for the first time is that her features bear and incredible tenderness that exceeds the mere physicality. There’s meaning behind the soft angle of her cupid’s bow, a mystical story in the smooth curve of her jaw and the disposition of her moles, there’s emotion in the <span>unique</span> shape of her eyes.</p><p class="western">Before the girls can get any closer, the sound of a chair scratching on the floor startles me. Dahyun has stood up and now she walks past them at a quick pace, not even looking at our eonnies. She has even left the tray of untouched food behind. Dahyun is not like that, she’s always the first one to bow to our seniors and the one that makes sure that the moment we leave everything is even cleaner than it was when we arrived. Both Tzuyu and I <span>react at the same time</span> but Sana-eonnie raises her hand and we don’t dare to move.</p><p class="western">“I’ll go, you stay.” Just like that she disappears on our leader’s trail. Since when are these two close?</p><p class="western">“<span>It’s ok,” a soft whisper caresses my ear. </span></p><p class="western">
  <span>Mina walks by me on her way to take a seat and sits down right next to me. Far from acknowledging me, she seems to be following Momo and Tzuyu’s conversation. I’m sorry if you’re curious about the topics on discussion but I have more important things to do right now, like studying the way the corner of Mina’s mouth curls when she’s pleasantly listening or when she spares them a mellow giggle. On occasion, Mina returns my glances out of the corner of her eye, dragging me out of my mesmerized state to avert my gaze and drown in my embarrassment, cheeks warming fast. She doesn’t think I’m a weirdo, thankfully — far from that, she starts texting me.</span>
</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Black Swan Mina:</b>
    </span>
    <span> Your hair is growing fast</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p class="western">
  <span>It is. While I didn’t cut it drastically short like I used to sport it back in the day, it is true that it’s growing faster than ever. Right now it’s touching my shoulders again. Honestly, I have never believed in popular teachings and myths but I do remember Jihyo-eonnie saying that hair grows faster when you have dirty thoughts and lately I’m having so many of those it has to be related. I know you are kind of in my head by reading this but I’m starting to think I should keep some things to myself, I’m being way too candid with you and I’m starting to believe that’s not as good an idea as I thought.</span>
</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Black Swan Mina:</b>
    </span>
    <span> You look badass in that sweater *teddy bear emoji *</span>
  </p>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Me: </b>
    </span>
    <span>Do u like it?</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p class="western">
  <span>Mina-eonnie bites down on her lower lip, I take it as a confirmation.</span>
</p><p class="western">“… <span>and it’s like right now,” Momo-eonnie comments, earning Tzuyu’s approval. “Imagine thinking you’re that smooth.”</span></p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Black Swan Mina:</b>
    </span>
    <span> Is that gauze peaking from your neck?</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p class="western">
  <span>Oh, she caught me.</span>
</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Me: </b>
    </span>
    <span>...maybe</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p class="western">
  <span>I raise my eyes from the phone to look at Mina and our stares meet in the middle. Her smile becomes a smirk when her look goes from my neck back to my eyes. Never try to hide anything from remarkably quiet people, they tend to be very observant.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>It’s a bit of an insult to our intelligence,” Tzuyu says while munching. I don’t know who they’re talking about but they must have irked them a lot. Yoda is more prone to say stuff without filtering but Momo-eonnie is generally more careful with her words. “But I almost feel sorry for them, they are allowing us to laugh...”</span></p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western"><span><b>Black Swan Mina:</b></span> Will you show me the tattoo later?</p>
</blockquote><p class="western">It’s taken a bit long for her to write <span>only</span> that sentence, I bet she was trying emojis that would convey the proper <span>tone </span>to her words and she couldn’t decide on the most proper one. Another thing I’ve learned recently about Mina is that she likes to play but she’s never too obvious about it.</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Me:</b>
    </span>
    <span> Ofc</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p class="western">“I dunno if I’ve ever told you about this friend of mine, let’s call her...”</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western"><span><b>Black Swan Mina:</b></span> We should probably meet and talk tho</p>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Me:</b>
    </span>
    <span> Weve </span>
    <span>
      <em>talked </em>
    </span>
    <span>a lot lately</span>
  </p>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Me:</b>
    </span>
    <span> Im behind my schedule again</span>
  </p>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Me:</b>
    </span>
    <span> Not complaining</span>
  </p>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Me:</b>
    </span>
    <span> like at all</span>
  </p>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Me:</b>
    </span>
    <span> I LOVE our </span>
    <span>
      <em>talks</em>
    </span>
  </p>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Me:</b>
    </span>
    <span> Im just stressed &gt;.&lt;</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p class="western">“… <span>She was involved with this guy, she would never tell us a thing, which was boring, and she neither had any funny mishaps that we could tease her about. Now...”</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>Mina pushes my knee lightly with hers and shifts on her chair.</span>
  
  <span>Her knee remains there against mine when she does.</span>
</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Black Swan Mina:</b>
    </span>
    <span> I mean for real </span>
  </p>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Black Swan Mina:</b>
    </span>
    <span> without kissing</span>
  </p>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Black Swan Mina:</b>
    </span>
    <span> I know me too</span>
  </p>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Black Swan Mina:</b>
    </span>
    <span> we need to be serious</span>
  </p>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Me: </b>
    </span>
    <span>:(</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p class="western">“… <span>and she comes back the next day with a hickey on her neck and wants to make us believe it’s a scratching bruise.”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>You’ve seen nothing,” Tzuyu’s voice is like a distant echo to me right now. “My friend did tell us she's seeing someone but she only said…”</span></p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Black Swan Mina:</b>
    </span>
    <span> Maybe a bit of kissing but after we’ve had a proper conversation *teddy bear emoji *</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p class="western">“… <span>and radio silent for three hours when out of the blue she said...”</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>She’s using the emoji to try to make it more innocent but we both know how that conversation is going to end. Before you get all excited and your thoughts go to weird places I’m telling you: nothing has happened between Mina-eonnie and I. Nothing meaning ‘sex’ because what has indeed happened has been an unhealthy amount of making out during these last two weeks. The positive reason for this is that now I have a chance with Mina I can’t just stay away from her — her… touch and her lips have turn out to be pretty addictive for me and I can’t say that I didn’t see it coming. The negative reasons for this, however, and understanding ‘negative’ as why this hasn’t gone any further, are many. First of all, I wasn’t kidding when I said I’m dramatically behind on my homework again and if making out takes time, imagine having sex — it goes without saying that when I get to make love to Mina, I’ll do it properly. Secondly, I want to make it right this time, especially since I’m the first girl for Mina. No rushing. Finally, something that I am a bit reluctant to tell you not because it’s explicit or too personal or anything like that but because I’m a bit embarrassed to acknowledge it. The thing is that every time things become… heated with Mina, my mind short-circuits like an electric device that overcharges during a storm. It overwhelms me, not in a bad way but the result is that I shut down, I freeze and don’t know what to do, how to channel all those sensations and emotions I’m feeling and translate them into actions. My mind becomes chaotic and I become useless, I swear this had never happened to me before.</span>
</p>
<p></p><blockquote>
  <p class="western">
    <span>
      <b>Me: </b>
    </span>
    <span>Today after class?</span>
  </p>
</blockquote><p class="western">
  <span>“Tzuyu-yah, imagine how deep your head has to be up your own ass to be looking at us in the face pretending nothing is going on,” Momo says in a serious tone and folds her arms.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Or so oblivious to believe we don’t know they’re texting each other and not listening to a word we’re saying.” Wait, what?</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>The both of us snap out of our little bubble and look at our friends, who answer with twin knowing smirks. How are they so mean? An intense wave of heat hits me and creeps from my neck to my ears and from my ears to my forehead. So mean! Mina’s face is turning a particularly incandescent shade of pink as well.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Yah! Stop messing with us,” I whine and the idiots that call themselves our best friends explode in the loudest set of laughs.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>What’s so funny, huh?” A pair of arms slide around my shoulders and I anxiously let my phone drop, incapable of turning the screen off. “Chaeyoung-ah, be more careful!” Jeongyeon scolds me but thankfully it’s fallen on my lap. “Your heart is beating so fast, did I scare you? I’m sorry.” She did scare me but my heart is suffering for so many reasons right now I can’t even choose what’s worse. Okay, Chaeyoung, deep and slow breaths.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>It’s ok,” I put my chair back and pat my lap. Jeong happily accepts my offer and sits down.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Am I too heavy?” I shake my head and she smiles fondly. Then, Jeongyeon hugs my shoulders and messes my hair. I don’t mind, her affection is always very welcome. In the mean time, Mina’s eyes are fixed on the table, maybe trying to get rid of her fluster before our friend can tell something’s up. I’ll tell her soon, at least about me, I just don’t know how to do that without involving Nayeon in the process. “What were you talking about?” Oh, boy… I open my mouth but my mind is suddenly blank.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Minho,</span> this isn’t funny, give it back.” Nayeon-eonnie’s voice is unmistakable as always. What’s going on?</p><p class="western">We all turn to look at the table they’re occupying, a few meters away from us. Nayeon doesn’t sit with them very often anymore but I think that’s exactly the reason why she did it today. While I haven’t talked to her about it since we prefer not to mention Minho in our conversations (we <span>getting along</span> doesn’t erase our story), I believe Jihyo made a certain comment about it the other day, that the guy has been <span>all over Nayeon-eonnie</span> lately. Not to be insensitive but I did <span>advise</span> her to break up with him <span>the sooner the better.</span> As much as a good actress you might be the other person ends up feeling something is amiss when you’re not into them.</p><p class="western">She tries to get her phone back but his arm is longer than hers. Then he stands and hovers over her like a raptor. I don’t like this at all, why aren’t his friends doing anything? <span>As soon as Jeongyeon stands up, I follow her and together we approach slowly to their table, fighting the impulse to run and tackle him down, afraid to begin a rumble and make this bigger than it’s already.</span></p><p class="western">“<em>Your hair looks so soft today.</em> What the fuck?!” Uh… He’s literally yelling in her face, t<span>his is not going to end well. </span></p><p class="western">“Don’t be so loud, please,” Nayeon-eonnie begs. This is bad, everyone is looking at them. My mind is going through all the possibilities and outcomes of getting between them and let me tell you a lot of them end up with me sporting a magnificent black eye and Nayeon-eonnie being outed in front of half of the campus.</p><p class="western">“<em>I want to touch it.”</em> Eonnie… She’s never been so careless. When we were dating, she would even delete her conversations with me every day at 6 pm. “Are you fucking cheating on me?!”</p><p class="western">“Hey, dude, why don’t you calm down?” Jeongyeon steps up and pulls the guy away from Nayeon-eonnie. She’s always had more guts than any of us together, I understand why it would be her and only her for Nayeon.</p><p class="western">“Stay away, this is between my girlfriend and I,” he growls and grabs the phone so hard in his hand that the screen starts cracking under the tempered glass. This is so bad.</p><p class="western">“And the rest of the cafeteria if you keep making a circus out of it!” Jeongyeon snaps back so menacingly that hesitation shines in his <span>eyes</span> for a moment.</p><p class="western">“Can we talk outside, please?” Nayeon-eonnie stands and rests a calming hand on her friend’s shoulder. She does step a bit aside but stays close, always keeping Nayeon at the reach of her hand.</p><p class="western">“Why?” Minho replies, contempt painfully obvious in his voice. “Don’t you want all of them to know you’re just a common who-?”</p><p class="western">“Hey! You better watch it.” I have to grab Jeong’s arm to prevent her from confronting the guy. If you didn’t know, he’s quite tall and burly and while I don’t doubt my friend can brawl him to surrender any day, I really like her face the way it is right now. It is a pretty good looking face.</p><p class="western">“Guys, why don’t we take this outside,” I try to be the pacemaker since none of the guy’s friends seem willing to be of use. What’s wrong with them, really? Why do they have to let him humiliate her like this? I thought they all liked Nayeon. “We all need a bit of fresh air.”</p><p class="western">This is what I don’t understand, being the extraordinarily private person that she is, Nayeon is methodical with her affairs, <span>especially when it involves… you know, same sex mischief.</span> Actually, let me assure you already I do not believe she’s speaking to a guy in those texts. <span>There’s absolutely no use in</span> getting a beard and cheating on said beard with another guy — if she liked <span>another boy, </span>she could just break up with <span>Minho</span> and get with the other guy without any kind of backlash if <span>handled</span> properly, and trust me, she would do it <span>like a professional</span>. Now, if her new lover is not a guy, <span>I find it really difficult to believe</span> <span>Nayeon would</span> be texting her in that way in the middle of the cafeteria when her boyfriend is right beside her. It makes no sense. Nayeon must have had to lose her mind and we all know that’s not how Nayeon’s affections work. She has room in her heart for Jeongyeon and barely a tiny corner for anyone else, as sad as that might sound.</p><p class="western">“Please,” Nayeon-eonnie <span>implores</span>, again. I didn’t think I would see the day she’d beg to anyone but when I look at her I <span>do understand.</span> The mask is broken and everything is on display, all the deep and painful panic she’s feeling is painted all over her face. This is really bad.</p><p class="western">“Why? Is he here?!” The guy starts looking around like crazy, glaring <span>threateningly</span> at all the guys he thinks could be involved with his girlfriend. The criteria for his screening is uncertain but since he even <span>gives</span> a glance at Jimin’s friends, I’d say the prototype in his mind is a slender guy with a cute face and, of course, very nice hair. “Are you texting him in front of my face?!” There’s a vein in his forehead and I tell you it’s about to pop. The guy is turning purple. “Who the hell is ‘<em>Evil Maknae’</em>?” Wait, what?</p><p class="western">“That would be me.” The voice is nothing he would have expected. <em>Heck</em>, nothing I myself was expecting. I’m the worst friend, I swear — part of me was very worried about the attitude of the guy towards Nayeon, yes, but another tiny corner of my mind was also judging her, even knowing all the things I know. I’m horrible and I would keep chastising myself if the focus wasn’t entirely centered on Tzuyu right now. She walks towards us, the cafeteria suddenly silent like a funeral and extends her phone towards Minho so he can see if he wants. “Nayeon-eonnie likes my conditioner a lot but I keep refusing to tell her the brand to piss her off, so she was just being whiny and annoying.”</p><p class="western">Nayeon takes the chance to snatch the phone out of Minho’s hand and to check the integrity of the device. It does have a crack that runs right through the middle of the iPhone to a lateral. What a beast. Now he just stands there like a fool, confused and hopeless. At some point, he turns slowly towards her and opens his mouth like a fish.</p><p class="western">“Nayeon…”</p><p class="western">The girl looks around, jaw still clenched and distress obvious in her eyes. She’s doing her best to keep calm so she can handle this with surgical precision, I know she is. Imagine being so close to public shame, to a big and unsolicited outing in front of all the people who respect you and many of those who you love. In front of Jeongyeon.</p><p class="western">“Let’s talk somewhere else, come on.”</p><p class="western">There should be a statue of Im Nayeon in the garden of the building, really, only she would be skillful and lucky enough to get out of this kind of situation not only unscathed but even with the sympathies of the public. It’s deserved, however — Nayeon-eonnie might have lied and done whatever but nobody deserves to be treated like this, much less in a public place in front of all her friends and especially because of what? A misleading message. He was a jerk, dude, I’ve been calling it for a while now and she’d always have an excuse for him. You can call it a boy in an adult’s body or whatever you want but a normal person would manage their anger, take you aside and have an honest conversation, <span>not make a show out of it like he wants to mark you with a scarlet letter so everyone else can also vent their jealousy on you like hyenas, like they’ve been waiting to be able to do for years. That was nasty.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Jennie can say whatever, Minho’s an asshole,” I hear Kang Seulgi telling her friends of the Dance Club as they leave. Mina and Momo don’t follow them, though, they just stand there beside their table very still as they observe how Nayeon-eonnie leaves with the guy, closely followed by Jeongyeon. Should we go too? Maybe, but I trust Jeong to be able to manage whatever if anything was to happen and I don’t want to overwhelm Nayeon-eonnie more with another crowd. How much must it hurt to stand such situation in front of the person that truly owns your heart while everyone is and must forever be unaware of your feelings, of who you really are? Sometimes the thought slips into my mind like a worm, crawling to my throat to tie a tight knot. That this is not a way of living.</span></p><p class="western">A hand on my shoulder <span>brings me back to reality</span>.</p><p class="western">“I honestly thought for a second she was texting you,” Momo-eonnie says, not bothering to lower her voice. There’s barely anyone left anyway.</p><p class="western">“Why?!” Really, how many times must I tell them this is over? We are just friends! “Why?”</p><p class="western">“I think Nayeon-eonnie is in trouble,” Mina murmurs, worriedly looking towards the hallway they’ve disappeared through.</p><p class="western">“Struggling to give a fuck, to be honest.” I normally love Yoda’s savageness but this is really not the time.</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu-yah, don’t be mean, this is serious!” Momo scolds her, and rightfully so.</p><p class="western">“None of this would have happened if Nayeon-eonnie wasn’t so… careless with her affections.”</p><p class="western">“That’s not fair.” I try to <span>reach to</span> her but she hits my hand away. Tzuyu? This is the first time in about six years she’s pushed me away. No, even more, this is the first time in all our friendship she’s looked at me like this, with eyes ice cold and filled with a resentment I don’t understand the origin of.</p><p class="western">“Of course you would say that.” That does feel like a needle right to the heart, I’m not going to lie to you. Then she turns around and leaves without uttering another word. Have I made her angry in any way? I didn’t… Has she felt attacked because I’ve told her off? It’s understandable, I believe, is it not?</p><p class="western">What’s wrong with everyone today?!</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>I've been told it would be funny to add the conversation that was happening while Michaeng were in their world so...</p><p>CONVERSATION MOMO-TZUYU:</p><p>MM: "Doesn't it bother you when you are blatantly ignored by your friends? They find a partner and it's like right now. Imagine thinking you’re that smooth."</p><p>TY: “It’s a bit of an insult to our intelligence but I almost feel sorry for them, they are allowing us to laugh at their expense. Also gossiping behind their backs is always exciting.”</p><p>MM: “I dunno if I’ve ever told you about this friend of mine, let's call her Pengsoo. She was involved with this guy, she would never tell us a thing, which was boring, and she neither had any funny mishaps that we could tease her about. Now she's probably seeing someone else and we only know because Sana has intel data and also she's been acting sketchy. She's been missing many of our study dates, the other day she even lied to our face saying she'd be in the library and she comes back the next day with a hickey on her neck and wants to make us believe it’s a scratching bruise.”</p><p>TY: "You've seen nothing. My friend did tell us she's seeing someone but she only said they're talking. Well, they must be talking a lot 'cause the other day she had gone missing and radio silent for 3 hours when she said out of the blue on Kakao how much behind her schedule she was and how stressed she was getting, and then had the nerve to ask for my help with her homework."</p><p>MM: “Tzuyu-yah, imagine how deep your head has to be up your own ass to be looking at us in the face pretending nothing is going on.”</p><p>TY: “Or so oblivious to believe we don’t know they’re texting each other and not listening to a word we’re saying.”</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0021"><h2>21. Because no one can see what you mean to me in this moment in which I’m opening my heart to you.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western"> </p><p class="western">This might surprise some of you but I love classical music. Yeah, I know, I’m a former bimbo blonde and current pink haired bubblegum <span>princess</span>, not even I could chastise you for thinking I’m supposed to love mostly what’s trendy, the top 10 songs on Spotify this month and <span>nothing else</span>. Make no mistake, I love my Spotify — I jam at pop like most of you and I have a weakness for colorful and bubblegum songs; however, I’ve grown up with Bach and Paganini, listening to the Concerto in D Major by Ludwig Van Beethoven, more national pieces <span>like </span><span>Pleiades Dances</span><span> and stanning ever</span>ything by Abe Keiko and Kimura Mari. Inside the world of classical music, sometimes the most mainstream pop and electric songs are thought to be less than but I think it is variety in harmonies, rhythm and sounds what makes music such a unique experience.</p><p class="western">Until now I never thought it could get any more extraordinary. Nevertheless, this is what is filling my ears: the most perfect combination. Every piano key hits the note with expertise, followed by a trail of several more that don’t fail once, but that’s not what makes it so good — it is the emotion that emanates from every single sound. It floods the room until it leaks through the door of the drama class like polarized liquid iron, magnetically pulling from me and forcing me to open it and allow myself to be drown. Dahyun is so talented, isn’t she? She <span>pours </span>every fiber of herself in her music, both in work an essence. That’s what makes her so special in comparison to her peers, maybe in comparison to everyone else, even, since she does that as well <span>in every single aspect of</span> her life. And when I thought it couldn’t get more awesome, she starts rapping slowly to the sound of music. The result should be odd, shouldn’t it? Two opposite genres of music, nothing alike neither in style nor rhythm and yet, somehow, it fits perfectly. I didn’t know she could rap although I guess it does <span>depict</span> that rebellious part of hers. Her voice is so soothing, so calming. <span>I wish… Such a voice could</span> lull people to sleep every night.</p><p class="western">The music stops abruptly and something I couldn’t hear previously echoes in the room. She’s crying low whimpers that explode in between shaky sniffs, like a hurt baby kitten. Tears should never fall from the eyes of those so precious, her smile should lighten and warm her heart every day. Who made her cry? Why? How can I fix this? I need to fix this.</p><p class="western">“How long have you been here, eonnie?” she manages to say, voice trembling and eyes fixed on her piano. The light shudder of her shoulders and the sharpness of her breath give her up.</p><p class="western">“Followed you.” I walk slowly across the room, hands aching and arms itching to hug her, to take away her worries and fears. “Lost you for a while but then I heard the music.” I take a seat beside her and she moves her face away so I can’t see her. She’s always so kind to everyone but herself, always bearing the weight on her shoulders yet never allowing anyone to help her. It seems to be almost impossible to make her understand we are here for her. “You still owe me a song.”</p><p class="western">“What do you wanna hear?” she whispers under her breath.</p><p class="western">“Something with a rap,” I say, but I’m not fully honest, neither with her nor with myself. What I really want in this moment is Dahyun to look at me, I want to pick on her and make her blush and draw a bashful smile. I want to <span>rock her in my arms</span> and tell her everything will be alright, that she’s not alone. That’s what I want but I don’t do that. Instead, I articulate my best flirty smile and add: “You looked very sexy.”</p><p class="western">But there’s no reaction from her part. With a neutral expression breaking through the wetness left by the tears, her hands land on the <span>piano</span> and she takes a deep breath. They caress the swift keys with determination and still so smoothly. It’s a sweet yet strong melody, notes that swing and fall like rain drops on the ground, like a storm playing outside where it can’t hurt us. Soon, she starts singing a song mixing Korean and some words of English that I don’t really understand but sound very cool, <span>actually</span>. Her tongue caresses every word, her lips kiss every breathe she takes. I was probably right when I’ve compared this to a storm, it can also be just as scary. Then it picks up and the rap begins, the only English word I understand is “shining light” but if we would define Kim Dahyun like anything at all, that would be it. A strong and bright one that can illuminate the whole room until it suddenly turns off, just like a lightning. And just as <span>terrifying</span>. Dahyun chokes and her voice comes out strangled, her fingers become clumsy and the music <span>stops in a staccato</span>. The room fills with a dead silence only broken by her sad whines and sniffles.</p><p class="western">“I can’t do this,” she <span>sobs</span> as more despair spills from her eyes and down her pale cheeks.</p><p class="western">“Are you ok, Dahyun-ah?” While wavering <span>at first</span>, I finally extend my hand to wipe her tears and caress her face.</p><p class="western">“Eonnie…”</p><p class="western">How could I ever describe this? Her. So sad but so astonishingly beautiful she’s able to take one’s breath away <span>too</span> easily for my own good. There is something in the delicacy of her features, now reddening as tender skin becomes wet, the subtle pout of her lips, the vulnerability in her glassy eyes. <span>It hits my heart with the spear of a need, one</span> to protect her and her heart, to give her warmth and shelter, to shower her with love and affection and to make sure nobody will make her feel like this ever again. To make her happy.</p><p class="western">“What’s wrong?” I try. I do try to wrap her in a warm embrace but she writhes like I’ve <span>intended to push her</span> and puts my hand away. Ah, shit, the spear has gone deep, I can feel my heart bleeding.</p><p class="western">“No, no, I can’t. I…” I wish I’d know a way to express myself respecting her boundaries. I wish I had learned anything at all from <span>my past failures</span> by now instead of being so headstrong and selfish. I wish I was someone people could rely on instead of needing to protect themselves from. But I don’t seem to be that person, not for Dahyun, Momo, Chaeyoung or anyone, so I just allow her to express herself by keeping quiet like a stone statue. “I’m not being honest with you, eonnie. I’m not…” Now that’s surprising, I don’t think there was a single time when I’ve heard her telling a lie. Not to me, not to anyone, not even as a joke. Yet, I believe I know what she’s trying to refer to in between breathy sobs and cries. It’s not only to me but to everyone — Kim Dahyun is somehow a mystery. However, everyone is entitled to their secrets and privacy, that’s not the same as lying. “When I’m with you… Oh, God…” A loud cry rips off her chest and she can’t stand it anymore so she hides her face behind <span>trembling</span> hands.</p><p class="western">“Hey, hey, look at me.” In an act of sheer bravery, I do extend my <span>arm</span> towards her and tenderly remove her hands to cup her face, stroking tears away with my thumbs but never forcing her to look at me until she’s ready. “Talk to me.”</p><p class="western">“I don’t want you to hate me…” My precious Dahyunnie, how could I ever do that? “...but I can’t just handle these… feelings anymore.” I’m sure there’s- Oh… Oh! And when the blindfold falls from my eyes, it is like I can see Dahyun for the first time beyond that <span>enigma</span> that surrounds her. <span>Her lack of hope is heartbreaking, truly, because if there’s one truth is that</span> there’s not a single thing in this life <span>Kim Dahyun</span> should feel ashamed of. From all the people in this wretched world, <span>Dubu</span> is… I was terribly wrong, she’s not a lightning, she is the sunlight that appears behind the clouds after an apocalyptic storm. Her kindness spreads and is wonderfully contagious, just like her particular laugh. Her humor is silly but sharp, and sometimes so witty it comes out almost nerdy. Dahyunnie never has a bad word for anyone, and always calls people out when she hears someone speaking behind someone else’s back. She’s the representation of all good and pure, and that’s exactly what makes my heart and soul churn and squirm in conflict. If I allowed myself to comply, I’d do my best to make sure she’s happy and <span>safe</span> from all the evil around, but how could I ever do that when I’m myself an evil she should be wary of? If I indulged her and myself with this, I would do my best for those tears never to spill again but at a cost I’m certain she cannot afford. I would taint her. But what if I said no, took off and left her here? How could I ever leave her <span>standing</span>, embarrassed and heartbroken? Never. Again, as it happens in life, there’s no way to win, you’ll always regret your decision. Therefore, the best choice would be the one that benefits her the most, and that’s always putting a few kilometers between each other so I can’t stain her with my filth. “I don’t know what to do.” Yet how... “I’m so sorry,” …can I do that to her... “I didn’t want this to happen.” ...when she’s opening her heart to me... “I’m <em>so</em> sorry.” ...and allowing me to see her vulnerability?</p><p class="western">The reality is that for some reason I don’t understand, Kim Dahyun feels attracted to me to a level that exceeds the mere physicality. She likes me and right now she’s exposing herself to me in a way very few people would dare. I always say that she has a rebellious side but I’m starting to believe she’s just braver than we all thought. Above everything, I truly believe she <span>is entitled to</span> a smile on her face — Kim Dahyun deserves all she wants from this world and she shall have it.</p><p class="western">“Dahyunnie,” I call her softly, forcing her to look at me for the first time. She doesn’t oppose much resistance. The moment <span>her big and sharp eyes meet mine</span>, my heart melts and the spear falls to the ground with a loud and metallic thump. I can’t stop me anymore. “Can I kiss you?”</p><p class="western">Her eyes widen and she freezes, mouth agape and the shadow of fear in her <span>stare</span>. And yet, she gulps and nods softly, eyes drown in mine in a connection none of us can escape. She expects my lips against hers, I know, and that’s exactly the reason why I don’t do that. Instead, I press them softly against one humid cheek and then the other, feeling warm puffs of air in my skin with every single heavy breath that shakes her chest. Then it is the turn of her forehead, right between her eyes, a kiss slow and <span>ghostly</span> but full of purpose. On the way down, her nose, that small and cute button — I place a tiny kiss on the tip and then caress it with mine before directing myself to the last stop: her mouth. My lips stroke hers faintly <span>and </span>capture her lower lip, giving it a tender tug. I can feel her breath catching in her throat as I separate briefly, giving her a few moments to decide whether she wants to continue or not. Thankfully, she sniffs and slowly pulls me towards her again, joining our lips in another kiss that soon I guide back to its calm pace. I think I’ve mentioned this before but Dahyun’s scent has always been intoxicating, whether it is her perfume, which I love, or the fresh scent of her shampoo, it clouds my senses and makes my knees tremble like a building during an earthquake. That is <span>why this soft and kind kiss leaves an aftertaste of utter confusion behind. Because Dahyun is tender, and kind, and my sister’s best friend, but she’s also the person who’s able to always put a smile on my face, the one who would take me in when drenched and scared under a storm. Because she’s sweet and vulnerable but also reliable and protective.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>Everything about Dahyun is soft — the curves of her factions, the color of her voice, the touch of her skin, the caresses of her lips. It seems almost impossible the way something so tender can be so dangerous at the same time. Dangerous? Yes, dangerous. My heart is pounding powerfully in my chest. When I can’t handle it anymore, I break the kiss, caressing her nose with mine for the last time, and press her against my chest in a tight embrace. We stay like that, holding each other sat at the piano bench, listening to the quick beating of the other’s heart until my voice comes out, hoarse and low.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>You aren’t the only one with a mess inside her head,” I reassure her, burying my nose in her hair, next to her ear. “Maybe we can…” I clear my throat, “…figure this out together.” A puff of warm air hits my neck and Dahyun pulls back to stare at me, bright eyes and tears still falling. “Would you like that?” I caress her cheek and brush away the last lonely tear. When Dahyun nuzzles my hand like a tiny kitten enjoying the touch I can’t help myself, I need to press my lips against hers once more.</span></p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p>
  <span>***</span>
</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">In our defense, I’ll say we have tried to engage in a proper conversation but the atmosphere was so tense that even the kiss that opened the very eloquent<em> discussion</em> (we used tongues after all) has been awkward. I’m nervous like I haven’t been in my entire life, okay? Not even <span>during </span>those long seconds right after our first kiss, before she answered to my question about what had just happened, was I this anxious. So, in aim to calm down, we have decided unanimously to watch a movie... after our work of the day was done, of course. One cannot watch the Dark Knight when there is academic stuff troubling the scene, you can’t properly appreciate the Joker’s acting. <em>Dang,</em> my hands are shaking as her fingers lock mine and I can’t even explain why. I just don’t know. I can’t understand the subtle tremble crawling my skin when her warmth blends with mine, or the quiver of my lips at the touch of hers, how defenseless I suddenly become in her arms like this has never happened before. No, like this might never happen again if we have that conversation.</p><p class="western">“Why so nervous?” I can’t help smiling at the way my pretty Black Swan twists the Joker’s words in a nerdy but sweet tone. “If anything, I’m the one who’s more out of her league here, in the claws of a tiger.”</p><p class="western">“No situation can shake a penguin,” I manage to murmur against her lips. Her response? A warm puff of air as she snorts and a teasing smile.</p><p class="western">“I thought I was Black Swan Mina?”</p><p class="western">A hot warmth begins to boil inside my chest, bubbling, fuming, embedding every fiber and crawling up my neck towards my face. Someone must have talked, I don’t think I’ve slipped. No, I’m sure I’ve not slipped. It’s been Dubu, I’m sure it must have been her, I’m going to kick her pale ass so hard she’s going to turn into tofu shake.</p><p class="western">The only thing I can do to try to preserve the last traces of my dignity is to clear my throat and play along.</p><p class="western">“When you’re dancing,” I say in the most clear voice I cam muster.</p><p class="western">“I’m not graceful when I’m not then?” Her fingers dance between the locks of the unruly hair of the back of my head while her lips make a vague attempt to show a feign outrage. No antic of such a babe can make me feel any less nervous when she’s touching me like this. Something crawls under my skin, running through my body towards a place you will have to imagine. It tickles in the best and worst of ways.</p><p class="western">“I…” I choke and have to make a pause, whether if it is on my own saliva, the air I breathe or my soul slipping away as her fingers start straight caressing my nape, I don’t know and it’s not like it really matters, “...both swans and penguins can be graceful.”</p><p class="western">“And dangerous.” Oh, sweet Jesus Christ. She’s generally such a cute girl but then she smirks subtly in a way that makes my skin tingle and my soul light on fire. This Sunday I might go with Dubu to church, my mind definitely needs some holiness.</p><p class="western">“How can a swan be dangerous?” I murmur under my breath.</p><p class="western">Look, I’m in love with a closeted nerd and now I know it. Minari is a very literal girl, and as such she understands my question. While you may argue the atmosphere was getting <span>festive</span> and it would be a shame to make the tension go to waste, I must admit I find it the most interesting when she shows me all those YouTube videos about the true and violent face of swans and penguins. It is the most unsettling thing I’ve seen an animal doing in my entire life and I can’t believe I’ve gone through so many years of life underestimating such deadly threats. That being said, this does spike a new found respect for both species — not that I didn’t respect them before but the <span>sort</span>s of respect linked to cuteness and fear are quite different.</p><p class="western">“That was disturbing… <span>in a</span> really cool way,” I comment while closing the Google Chrome tab after being scarred for life by the sight of a white swan, feathers stained bright red, floating <span>still</span> and suddenly so small in the pond after losing its life in a battle against another and more ferocious of its kind. Mina looks most satisfied by my reaction, however. “Should I be afraid of you then?” This might sound awful but… I am not nervous anymore. Watching dead birds on a date with the girl of your dreams takes away a big weight of your shoulders for sure.</p><p class="western">“Big deadly penguin against tiny tiger cub? You better beware.” Her smile is so absolutely <span>ravishing</span>, a magic spell that binds my heart with silky ropes. Not silk and definitely not ropes! <span>Stop being this</span> festive, Chaeyoung. I don’t seem to be able to control my thoughts around her lately, not that I had previously showed any sign of success but you know.</p><p class="western">“Wait, wait, why am I still a cub?” I play the offended card and draw a pout perfectly design to appeal to her heart and drive her to cuddle me. “I’m a grown up!” Well, I <em>was</em> playing outraged but after the look Mina gives me I might be for real. “I have piercings and tattoos and all!” At this, Mina let’s a guffaw escape her throat to kick me in the face. “Eonnie!” I don’t bother to pout this time, her arms are already around my head, face comfortably snuggling on her chest to take in the delicious scent of her clothes. I could get used to this so easily... “And I thought I was a lioness, not a tiger.”</p><p class="western">“A baby after all.” Minari has the unique ability to make my heart pound inside my chest as I wish to be swallowed by the ground. It does sound like an unpleasant feeling but it’s not exactly like that. Do you know what is indeed unpleasant? The loss of her touch as she pulls back to look at me. “Don’t make that face, I can’t resist you if you make that face, cubby,” she says as her hands cup my face, thumbs stroking the corners of my mouth with utter care. Mina looks so serious as she <span>lean</span>s closer to kiss my lips. I have never been <span>treated</span> with so much tenderness and I suddenly feel naked before her.</p><p class="western">“Do I make you weak?” I murmur, barely touching her lips. Mina takes a breath, deep and heavy, and then presses her forehead against mine. I need to gulp, this is becoming overwhelming again.</p><p class="western">“You can’t even begin to understand what you make me feel,” she whispers but when I try to finally make contact and link our lips, she pulls away with a sigh and sits back on the other end of the couch, looking at me, yes, but folding her legs against her chest as to prevent me from coming closer. Now I am confused, have I said something wrong?</p><p class="western">“What is it?”</p><p class="western">“Nothing.” No, this sudden change isn’t just <em>nothing</em>. I would totally <span>accept it without question </span>if she didn’t want this right now… or at all but so suddenly? I don’t understand.</p><p class="western">“Come on, we said we’d talk and look at us.” I crawl towards her and lean my chin on her knees, caressing her calves up and down. Mina takes a look at me, stare unsure <span>like</span> she’s hesitating about saying or doing something. Then, in a tiny voice she utters:</p><p class="western">“You and Nayeon-eonnie are over, right?”</p><p class="western">She <span>certainly</span> finds it offensive but I promise I cannot help the smug smile that appears on my lips.</p><p class="western">“Is that what worries you?” I’m sorry she’s frowning and totally not amused but I do find it hilarious. Myoui Mina is jealous. Okay, Chaeyoung, don’t be a meannie, the situation is understandable in a way. I take a deep breath and manage to open a path towards her, entwining our fingers and crossing the wall of her legs. “<span>Minari</span>, I know things have been messy with Nayeon-eonnie but we’re just friends now.” Despite my truthful words, Mina still seems doubtful. How can I convince her, though? The only things I have are my words and actions, and I don’t think any of them have betrayed me for her to feel this way. Maybe it is not so much a matter of<em> now</em> as it is a matter of how it has been before we dared to take a step forward and dive into this sort of fresh relationship. Yet, even back then my words about Nayeon and I were solely about how much of a drag and messy failure our affections had spurred, poisoning not only my bond with her but also with Jihyo and Jeongyeon-eonnie. Even in those days — no, especially during those days my heart only belonged to... “For months I’ve tried to… uhm... rationalize and control my feelings,” I say, sitting on my knees but never leaving my spot almost on top of her, “but I can assure you without a doubt that I’ve been in love with you since the moment I first saw you and I can’t stop me anymore.”</p><p class="western">Think of the most beautiful thing you have even witnessed in your life. I’m sure for some of you it was a painting or a landscape, or a particular part of it, maybe an animal, or more than a static picture, a scene, an action, a person. For me it is <span>color</span>, sort of — the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen in my life is the rosy hue that fiercely and quickly soaks through Mina’s cheeks in this very moment, framed by the way her eyes fall and a sheepish smile <span>grows</span> in her <span>lips</span>, and topped with the shy sound that comes from her mouth.</p><p class="western">“Okay…” she mumbles, not able to even look at me in the eye as she nervously tries to hide her blush somehow since our hands are still tangled together.</p><p class="western">“Okay?” My face is starting to hurt from smiling. “That’s all you gonna say?” She just nods and I can’t help my giggle. “Any more questions about any more women?” I do have to ask but I do secretly hope she doesn’t have any.</p><p class="western">“Actually…” Now she’s doing it to pick on me.</p><p class="western">“Yah, eonnie!” I whine, sparking her brightest laugh as she finally pulls me towards her and kisses me, releasing a knot of tension I didn’t know it was tying inside my chest. Mina takes my breath away. And my soul. And my heart.</p><p class="western">Lying there on the couch, on top of Mina, kissing her between dreamy sighs and joyful giggles, I see so many colors I just want to laugh. I never knew the human being was capable of such happiness.</p><p> </p><p>***</p><p><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">My mom was right when she said life takes you to unexpected places. Right now, I shouldn’t be at the dorm, sitting on my bed, staring at the wall in such a pathetic way, fighting bitter tears back and wondering what I should do now that the mask has cracked. Yet at the same time so relieved it stayed together. I was so incredibly lucky and it was so fatally dangerous — for a moment it felt like everything was going to crumble, swallowed by the Earth out of the blue, like the most massive earthquake opening the ground <span>under</span> my feet. For a moment it felt like falling, like fainting. This isn’t right, I shouldn’t be here feeling pity of myself after such a close call but happy because the bullet didn’t hit its target. Nevertheless, even if I try to convince myself it’s not the case, the reality is that I’m scared of being where I ought to be right now. Ever since I came back to the dorm I’ve been feeling in a deep and profound state of intoxication. Cocktails and shots not of soju or rum but of the fear and tension that accompanies both the feeling of loneliness and that incipient excitement that goes hand in hand with opening a new chapter of a book.</p><p class="western">How foolish. I’m not normally like this, let me tell you. In any other situation I’d talk to Jeong or Jihyo… Sana, maybe, or Momo depending on the subject only to vent out a little bit before getting my shit together, sucking it up and moving on, although this time I don’t feel like I can do that either. This mess isn’t totally clean yet and I’m not going to fix it under my blanket letting sorry tears fall and messing my perfect make-up. However, in the intent to run away from my room and the silence that never howled so loudly, I only end up in the hallways and stairs of the block, dark and constrictive like never before. They threaten to close around my suddenly petite body, to swallow me into their darkness as I walk my way through them with a slow but steady pace. Yes, shut up, how foolish of me. I am Im Nayeon. I am not a kid, I won’t let anything and much less a bad day bring me down like this. It won’t. That being said, my mouth does feel pretty dry the moment I open the door without even thinking of knocking, bringing me to doubt for a second that I’ll be able to speak a word.</p><p class="western">“Finally.” But I can, I always can even though sometimes it would probably be better for everybody that I couldn’t. “I’ve been trying to find you all day.” That’s only a half-lie because I did try to find her after what happened with Minho but didn’t put too much effort into it before deciding to go home and unproductively stare at my wall in silence.</p><p class="western">“What a coincidence, I’ve been avoiding you all day.” Tzuyu’s eloquence is always spot on. “Who told you to come in?” Her tone is harsh and steely, I don’t really have the patience to handle that right now but like it happens with her, I don’t think I have much of a choice either.</p><p class="western">“I haven’t come to have an argument,” I sigh, closing the door behind me and allowing myself into her bedroom. Tzuyu’s sitting on her desk, facing away from me and not even bothering to properly <span>acknowledge my presence </span>or receive me in any way.</p><p class="western">“That is a surprise.” Sarcastic little devil… No, Nayeon, you’re a girl on a mission.</p><p class="western">“Aren’t you going to ask me why I’m here?”</p><p class="western">“My only question is why you don’t leave and let me work.” Oh, that’s right, she’s downloading the camera pictures into her computer. Yeah, I know she sounds pissed and maybe this is not the best time to have a chat but Tzuyu’s always grumpy so I’ve quickly learned to ignore it.</p><p class="western">“Still waiting for you to take those pictures of me, by the way,” I comment on my way to sit uninvited on the edge of her neatly made bed.</p><p class="western">“I’m certain I said I wouldn’t.” Always so headstrong, or maybe strong-willed in her intention not to let anybody but her two friends in.</p><p class="western">“Why, though?” How foolish of me, having to ask...</p><p class="western">“I only take photos of things that are worth the shot.” ...when I already know the answer. “Don’t make yourself at home.”</p><p class="western">You might not be able to tell how deeply her knife sinks every time our maknae <span>spits such poisonous words at me with a wickedness only matched by the hidden excitement of those who are already waiting for it — y</span>ou included. Straight to the gut, she’s so good at that I wonder why I keep coming back, it’s getting borderline pathological. Still, I understand her anger after having got her involved so unnecessarily in such a nasty and public affair. In her position, if it was me, <span>such</span> words would be considered an act of kindness. Although that is the thing about Tzuyu, isn’t it? Her spark, her secret. The catch to her nonchalance and unaffected composure. Deep inside that’s what she’s trying to cover and protect, the fact that she’s kind, and innocent, and vulnerable. She does make a fine job to hide it from the mere passer-by but not from me. Possibly, that is in fact the reason why I keep trying to get close to her, because I want to peel her spiky layers and get to see those intimate and deliciously sweet fruits they’re guarding.</p><p class="western">“What are you working on?” I even dare to stand up and lean over her shoulder to peek at the screen.</p><p class="western">“I’m just occupied,” she replies in a bored voice. Those pictures are really good, I don’t see the burden in flickering through them.</p><p class="western">“With…”</p><p class="western">“Ignoring you, mainly, but you keep interrupting me as always.” Right through the square. I didn’t see that one coming.</p><p class="western">“Okay, I’ll be quick then.” She groans when I put her keyboard aside and sit on her desk, even pushes her chair back to put more distance between us, but I act oblivious at her rudeness. That is what irks her the most, that I never acknowledge her offensive behavior and I always take it by what it is: a sad and weak yet surprisingly effective defense mechanism. Anyway, let’s do this. “I just wanted to talk because… Minho and I are broken up.” That’s it, I’ve said it, and now I can finally breathe deeply, to full capacity.</p><p class="western">“Good for him,” she dead pans and starts working again from the other corner of the desk. That was a pretty painful low blow, I’m not going to lie.</p><p class="western">“That’s not how this conversation is supposed to go…” At that, Tzuyu stops scrolling down with her mouse.</p><p class="western">“If you want someone to tell you how unfair life is with you, you’ve come to the wrong place.” This time, she even brings herself to look at me, dead in the eye. Is she challenging me? No, she wants this to reach me, to sink in my brain, or my gut, my liver, my heart. She wants to hurt me, her sardonic scoff says that much. “Chaeyoung <span>must be with Mina</span>, though, but knowing your ways the three of you can meet up for talking or whatever you are up to.” Not that it surprises me that she thinks that way of me but it does irk me a bit that such an <span>ignorant</span> child becomes the epitome of morality whenever she refers to my private life.</p><p class="western">“You know nothing.” I leave my place and stand before her, trying to regain control of my acts and impulses. She won’t shake me like this, not her and especially not as her eyes return to the screen and she starts writing something I don’t even mind to check.</p><p class="western">“That’s true, I don’t. And I don’t care,” she says, softly but with icy determination. No, I won’t let her have the last word.</p><p class="western">“Just hear me ou-”</p><p class="western">“Well, I do know something.” And if you thought she didn’t have enough with blatantly insulting me to my face, she’s also keen on interrupting me. How dare she? Such a rude little munchkin, she could use the excuse of being a foreigner before but she should have learned some manners by now. “You kept him hanging from your arm while fucking around.” Even to this day, the way she talks about this rubs me the wrong way, I don’t know what to think.</p><p class="western">“I did no-“</p><p class="western">“That I know of, at least once with Chae.” Yet again, another interruption. This time around I cannot feel anything but a faint weight on my nape that fights to take my proud posture down and force me to lower my head, nonetheless. Maybe it is because there’s not a single lie in anything she’s said. “Everyone saw <span>the way you came back</span>, you didn’t even try to cover it.” The way she looks at me is not the freezing cold stare she loves to dedicate me on any normal day. No. There’s a burning flame hiding behind that explodes in a spark of sticky resentment and it gets everywhere, <span>covering me in what feels like petrol stains, </span>in a way I didn’t know it was possible as she adds: “You’re shameless.”</p><p class="western">Enough.</p><p class="western">“Okay.” In any other circumstance, I’d probably have gone for the loud strike on the table and the overused raise of tone to state my superiority as her senior and someone who will not tolerate such disrespect. Today, however, something’s filtering that energy, containing it to be released in steady and fluent but thinner doses. It is in such way that my voice comes out, thick and deep, strong and full of purpose but strangely calm for my standard, and I am the first one to admit it. “Okay, you’re right. I am shameless.” Tzuyu rolls her eyes but <span>she doesn’t deprive me of her attention this time as they</span> don’t go back to the screen but to me immediately after, following my words as I speak my mind for the first time in a while. Definitely, it is the first time with her. “I had him then I got bored but kept him on the leash because it was safe and convenient at the time. But you’re also wrong about something.” Her scoff doesn’t await much but knowing of her skepticism, I just ignore it and try to convey my feelings so she at least can try to understand. “I didn’t come here looking for comfort — Hell, I’d find more comfort hanging with Minho and his friends right now than coming here.” Now the one snorting to the veracity of my words is me and she is the one frowning. I don’t know exactly why that observation would offend her, she hasn’t done much to make me feel welcome or at least heard and that’s the reason why I hope I am not wrong in my assumptions. “I’m here because I had the chance of fixing it with him and keep my safe belt but I didn’t want to.” I didn’t expect her to say much but her silence does annoy me more than I thought. “Aren’t you going to ask why?” I ask, nervously. I’ve never been an example of patience but the fact that now she does turn away towards the screen does exasperate me. “Well, I’ll tell you anyway.” Yet I keep trying, the same way I always keep coming for more. I can’t just stop me. “I ended things up with him because I think I’ve found something worth taking the blind step.”</p><p class="western">It takes a while, hauntingly long seconds in which my heart hits that particular spot of my rib cage with a strength many people would be surprised to witness for a rotten <span>one</span> like mine. Even I am <span>amazed</span>. No, more anxious than surprised, although the shortness of breath of such nervousness can be frequently misunderstood as excitement. It would be incorrect to say there’s not even a tiny spark of expectancy, the smallest gust of anticipation when she gifts me with a fucking answer at long last.</p><p class="western">“Can’t hope for you not to smash your head on the ground, sorry.” I can’t say I was waiting for anything different but it would have been nice if at least she had dared to look into my eyes <span>when she said</span> that. Coward. Coward, fucking coward. I am the one doing all the work in here, she could at least… let me know I’m not sadly embarrassing myself. Instead, she pushes but never releases the rope, keeping me twisting in this agonizing dance, inside this limbo.</p><p class="western">“Am I really imagining this? Please, tell me I’m not.” Honestly, I would be fine if she just stopped sending me such mixed signals. Trust me, I’ve known many girls in my life but none as confusing as her. That’s the price that comes with being this intriguing, I suppose. Anything else would be too boring, if you think about it, lacking of flavor.</p><p class="western">“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” She groans, a legit growl that doesn’t feel so much of annoyance but frustration. “Just go.”</p><p class="western">“Chewy…”</p><p class="western">“Fuck off, Nayeon.” Now that was a strong reaction to irritation, fully breaking that icy mask she uses to hide herself. I can’t help the smirk that grows on my lips. This is my queue.</p><p class="western">“You keep dropping the honorifics, Tzuyu-yah.” With less strength that I thought I’d need, I turn her around in the wheeled chair and I myself lean on the arm rests. Now there’s no other way, all she’ll see is me. She can’t hide anymore, anywhere. “Did no one teach you to respect your elders?” Her eyes are already big and pleading when they meet mine, my words and tone only making them wider, brighter. This is what there is when you see behind the mask, I suppose.</p><p class="western">“I hate it when you do that, <em>eonnie</em>.” She murmurs, stare lowering to my lips.</p><p class="western">“What?” I breathe, so close to her our noses could touch.</p><p class="western">“Make me feel this way.” Puffs of warm air hit my chin, and also my cheeks when she wavers and moves back ever so slightly, a noisy gulp fighting to swallow the knot in her gorgeous throat. “And when you breathe, especially when you breathe.” I would laugh, or at least giggle behind my teeth — her humor is so sharp and pointy, like a blade. I don’t do it, nonetheless, because our lips are already so close that her warmth blends with mine, and before I can understand where she begins and where I end, an eager hand has a fist full of my shirt and is pulling to end this painful tension.</p><p class="western">Kissing Tzuyu is… strange… in the most amazing of ways. The <span>instant</span> her lips tug from mine, so desperately after all this push-and-pull <span>yet so candidly, it feels like the most honest moment we have ever shared, a heartfelt conversation, the longest one, and the closest thing to a comforting hug I’ve experienced. It feels intimate but not in an uncomfortable way, vulnerable yet safe somehow, which is a sentiment I would just laugh at in any other scenario because she is the youngest one in here — from the both of us she is the one who should feel more </span><span><em>weak</em></span><span> and seek for my </span><span><em>protection</em></span><span>, right? Oh, my God. If I’m feeling like this, I can’t even imagine what she must be feeling. The fact that I actually care about it is already frightening enough but wanting to ease it for her by using my shitty sense of humor does terrify every inch of my body even as the words clumsily leave my lips and get lost into hers:</span></p><p class="western">“So you’re taking my breath away to kill me?”</p><p class="western">“Just shut up,” she groans, but she does it with a smile.</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0022"><h2>22. What if everything has lost meaning. Nayeon.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western"> </p><p class="western">When did it all start? Allow me to be disgustingly poetic in my narrative but there’s no other way I can convey what being me feels like, and even like this I am aware I have high chances of just earning an eye roll and a snort. You probably believe me to be a narcissistic and superficial asshole, some people do, but it might take you aback when I tell you that if there’s one thing I could wish for in life, that would be to be able to point out a moment, a situation, a thought that I could <span>say was</span> the first sign of the sheer dread my life would become — something I could have changed to prevent everything<span> from turning out like this</span>. A moment of inflection I could go back to in my mind to at least be able to fantasize about everything <span>happening</span> differently. Yet the reality is that I can’t, can I? That being the case, I guess I have to say it just happened slowly, organically, like the water of a river eroding a crater in the stone with the difference that it didn’t take decades but only a few years for me to fall for Yoo Jeongyeon. Time is such an odd concept, I’m pretty sure it took me much less to fall for her than to realize I had fallen for her, <span>and so</span> when I finally did there was no turning back. The most difficult pill to swallow wasn’t that one, however, but the<span> painful truth that </span>this apparently cute <span>and cheesy </span>story harbors: the fact that it will never be reciprocated. Nonetheless, <span>I</span> can in fact ascribe a moment to such eye opening experience, and that was the time at the tender age of sixteen years old that Jeongyeon and I kissed by accident <span>during</span> dance practice. A bad turn… or the best one, and my world crumbled into pieces. I remember like it was yesterday the way my heart pounded inside my chest and how my lips ached for more after the tingly sensation of her <span>mouth </span>against mine disappeared. A one-second kiss yet enough to turn my world inside-out in so many marvelous ways… and others, most of them, not so much.</p><p class="western">She avoided me for two weeks after that. One day we had something special and the <span>n</span><span>ext</span><span> one it was l</span>ike I <span>was nothing at all, like she wouldn’t notice if I were gone</span>.</p><p class="western">We were best friends, almost twins and definitely the kind joined by the hip. It was barely one-second kiss yet enough to tear us apart. I also remember perfectly, like it was yesterday, the way my heart sunk, like an egg falling from the last balcony and cracked right in the pit of my stomach. Such unpleasant sensation used to repeat every single time I’d catch a glimpse of her disappearing through a corridor or turning in an alley far away from me. She <span>abrupt</span>ly stopped meeting me for school. It turns out she was actively trying not to see me or have to go through the suddenly embarrassing experience of speaking to me. A part of me had wanted to make excuses for her, to believe she was just sick or tired or always late — an innocent one, no doubt. That one died long ago, along with my hopes and dreams about her just… acknowledging me. It is sad to say that I never had enough imagination to be able to daydream about Jeongyeon loving me back, not even for futile and private comfort. Make no mistake, I saw how pitiful of me that was and it used to make a demon inside me unravel, the acid of frustration corroding every tissue it would get a hold on in its way to my gut until I entered this state in my late years of… calm surrender, I believe. I accepted things as they were, gradually gave up even if I didn’t <span>realize</span> I was fighting anything at all. The reality is that card was never on the table, so the only channel my feelings could follow was the lingering path to eternity and so I bounded <span>my life to hers</span>. I don’t think I did such a thing willingly though I can’t say I didn’t know what I was doing either.</p><p class="western">It was all Jihyo. My dear Jihyo, the third <span>side </span>of out perfect triangle. The only piece that could complete the trifecta. If Jeongyeon and I shared a <span>part </span>of soul, our remaining pieces were entwined with Jihyo’s. Possessing such a kind <span>heart</span>, I had never seen her as angry as she was moments before finally getting a hold of Jeongyeon and knocking some sense into her. With some common sense words, of course, she leaves the other kind of violence to me. Only by her grace, worry and care such a broken link could be renewed, but at what cost? Jeong ended up apologizing for her behavior and believe me when I say I didn’t want to forgive her — I didn’t want to forget the pain I felt at such definitive rejection both as a soulmate and her best friend, the certainty of knowing she would erase me from her life so easily if she just knew... And in some way I didn’t, and in some I did, because it all faded the moment she came with that shy look of hers and made me aware of her embarrassment at her behavior and how she was shocked and frustrated because she hadn’t been able to handle the shyness (and shame) of such <span>random</span> and <span>trifling</span> situation. She said she was sorry for avoiding me, acting like such poor friend and hurting my feelings, asked for a forgiveness that I was adamant not to give her. Yet I did. I forgave her because I chose to blame myself and my feelings for her as the cause of all this <span>misunderstanding</span>, even if I hadn’t been the one to shatter the memories of us together due to a stupid and accidental kiss.</p><p class="western">There’s no need to tell me that’s bullshit. I know that now, I do. With time I realized my inner homophobia was to blame and the fact that I had to feel so terrible about loving Jeongyeon that much, the reason for me to be ashamed of wanting to take care of her, <span>share my life</span> with her, worship her and make her happy, and how scared I was of being caught was a problem of <span>how my headstrong self kept insisting on battling the reality of who I am in the context of the world I live in, despite knowing there’s nothing I could do to change it.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>Yoo Jeongyeon. How did a donkey like her manage to charm a queen like me in this uncharacteristic manner? She’s annoying, her sense of humor stupid and she never has a nice word for me. She’s also beautiful, precious to me. Her hugs are the warmest, and far from gifting them just because, when she wraps you with her arms and pats your back you know it is because she’s worried and she cares about you. When she looks at me and I can tell what she’s thinking, I know she knows what I am thinking as well — Jeongyeon is reliable, caring, kind, protective in the most heartwarming way and above everything, she’s pure of heart. Her feelings are honest and true, I just wish they could be mine.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>How egoistic of me.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>There is, nevertheless, one thing she could do without. All of us, really. The one thing I hate about Yoo Jeongyeon and that is standing before me right at this very moment, leaning against the lockers and blinding her with an annoying sided smile. Her worst flaw, much worse than her absolute incapability to deal with stupid situations like the one who torn us apart. This particular thing has a name, a surname and stupid hair as well, and it is Park Jimin. Look at her, she is ridiculous, playing with her hair like the character of a bad American movie, slightly pursing her lips to try to fade the idiotic smile that is distorting them. In any other context, Jeongyeon will be determined, intelligent and she will fight for respect towards others and herself above everything else and yet, the moment this guy appears on scene she becomes the most pathetic being on Earth. The lack of self-control she has around him is only comparable to her embarrassing lack of dignity. Don’t take me wrong as I enjoy the company of men as well but her behavior around him is so exaggeratedly heterosexual I feel like vomiting.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>What is it about the guy she likes so much anyway? He is handsome, but there are prettier men in the world. He is very intelligent but med school is close-by and I didn’t see her looking there. He’s strong as a guy, sure, but his body is slim and slender — I like buff guys, what can I say? There’s something I have to give the guy and that is that he is one charismatic motherfucker, though. Park Jimin is the kind of guy that dominates the field, someone who possesses the key to almost every person’s lock, capable of adjusting himself and shifting the conversation so he’ll get whatever he wants from whoever he wants. It is truly a show to see, as lame for the victim as amazing for the witness — in that way, he uses his ability to get away with everything he does, even the nastiest behavior. That’s the only explanation I can find for Jeongyeon to keep hanging from his arm every other day he decides he feels like she deserves some of his attention span, even though she’s aware of his well-deserved playboy reputation. Lately, he doesn’t bother to hide it much anymore, he’ll just ogle at other girls and even flirt with them when Jeong is present. And the worst part is that only makes her want him more. </span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>Are they even dating? Jeongyeon answers yes or no depending on the week I ask but I don’t really believe she knows for certain. I swear I would rip his intestines off and then hit my friend with them to wake her up. I should have done it when the jerk tried to hit on me (because of course he did) but I didn’t for the same reason he knew it would be a safe bet to try even though I’m Jeong’s best friend: because she’s more likely to get mad at me for either </span>
  <span>
    <em>seduce</em>
  </span>
  <span> him or trying to </span>
  <span>
    <em>spur conflict </em>
  </span>
  <span>between them than calling him out for it. That, my guys, is the sad, sad truth of my life. Or was. I truly don’t know anymore.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>My mind has been a bit of a chaos lately, I won’t lie. It’s funny but I don’t know very well how to feel about it — I guess it’s been years since I accepted the misery I was set to go through and I had pathetically done it so gladly I just took </span>
  <span>the shit </span>
  <span>as it came despite the struggle slowly tearing me apart, like walking barefoot through a field of flames and thorns, opening up wounds and burning them close with every step, at every second, scarring. And now I see a light, bright and blinding showing me another path and I am in a crossroads, nailed to the ground and hesitating to follow it or just pass by. Deep down there’s an ache, a tingle, a small voice saying it doesn’t feel so right anymore, that I deserve more than this from life. That even I deserve to be happy.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>If Jeongyeon is warm and loud, she is the dramatic opposite — steel cold and quiet like a tomb. Chou Tzuyu, our maknae. Yes, our youngest. That’s probably what made me blissfully unaware of her even though I am in some way a cultist of beauty, or at least we could say I am very dedicated to it. You could argue I did see Chaeyoungie but I supposed Chaeyoung stood out in a very different way for me with her eccentric personality and the ways she used to express herself. Tzuyu’s not someone who likes to attract that kind of attention, I’ve learned. She feels the most uncomfortable keeping a high profile even if she cannot help herself at times due to her very obvious beauty. All in all, she was little more than the quiet and pretty kid that always was with Chae. I don’t think we were ever properly introduced although I can be wrong. In some ways, it feels like she’s always been there, silently doing her thing, and it did baffle a part of me when her presence started to beep in my radar. Tzuyu became… a beautiful challenge, so to speak. I love challenges, no, I love to be successful at them but since I always am we might as well say that. This has probably made me look more like an asshole than I expected so let me explain myself before jumping into conclusions.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>At first it was just entertaining the way the maknae from all people would oppose me, the eldest, so ferociously. You don’t see that very often in life, not in South Korea at least and much less in such a way it does come out as disrespectful because I’m obviously her superior yet she doesn’t leave the impression of being just… rude… I don’t think you’re following and I don’t blame you. Let’s try again. Tzuyu was savage to me but she didn’t do it out of laziness, she had a purpose and that I found most amusing, like a tiny little puppy trying to be all scary to confront a big bad wolf. It was probably the fact that I could see behind her mask so clearly what drew special attention towards her, isn’t it hilarious? For someone so guarded and so adamantly set in protecting the sight of her from anyone she didn’t decide to keep close, she couldn’t hide herself from me and I must admit that it made me feel euphoric in a way. </span>
  <span>Powerful.</span>
  <span> The way I didn’t fall for the lie, that I couldn’t be fooled like everybody else was. Of course this tends to happen when your wit is as quick as mine. No, it was something else that thing that opened my eyes to see even further and realize there was so much more about Tzuyu that I was awfully blind to, a silly in truth but also funny coincidence that made me understand her hostility towards me and the rightfulness behind it. Somehow, I had become the Park Jimin of her own story. Saving the differences, of course, there’s no need to be insulting either.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>By this I don’t mean Tzuyu’s into Chaeyoung or anything like that, not romantically anyway, and let me clarify I never thought she was. In fact, at first I truly thought she liked Minho as she judged me so mercilessly in defense of her friend’s but also the guy’s honor. God, for a few months I believed myself to be so clever by adding 2 + 2 and thinking it was 16. Curiously, even then when I was still dating him I did not feel threatened by her in the slightest but rather diverted by the idea of our little baby Tzuyu liking him of all people. I do say curiously because although I wasn’t in love with Minho I do tend to get territorial and, you know, Tzuyu is a sight for sore eyes and Minho… he’s </span>
  <span>
    <em>a guy</em>
  </span>
  <span>, not in reference to the male sex but </span>
  <span>
    <em>that</em>
  </span>
  <span> kind of guy. Anyway, my hilarious paranoia started crumbling to pieces when I came to the realization of her repulsion towards </span>
  <span>the</span>
  <span> guys who approached her, most of them from the gym and built so similarly to Minho I had even found myself mistaking my own boyfriend from afar for them in a couple of occasions. Of course she could be so in love with him she didn’t want anyone else’s attention but such disdain and the sheer relief she used to feel whenever Momoring would tend a hand to her weren’t from someone who… Maybe that was as well the time when I began hoping and I hadn’t yet found out. Something had started cooking in the back of my mind at some point but I didn’t notice until it turned into an annoying ache that I couldn’t explain. At some point, the irritating feeling began coming to bother me more and more often, just like Tzuyu.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>Despite me being her very own Park Jimin, the person who would play with her friend’s heart and then step on it repeatedly for fun only because they know the friend will come back for more and say ‘thank you’ afterwards, she was there to oppose me, to hurt me and make her presence noticeable in every occasion we would meet. To protect her friend. I was never able to do that, you know? Maybe I’m a coward for not wanting Jeong to hate me even if that means she’ll suffer, or maybe I am so weak I could never bear the pain of seeing them interacting together, but I would always step aside trying to hold the pieces of my heart together to no avail. Tzuyu has never done that. Yes, she is beautiful and more delicate than she likes to show. She’s the innocence of a kid and that makes you need to take care of </span>
  <span>her</span>
  <span>, yes, but she also possesses the strength of a bulldozer and she made it very clear that she would chop my head off if the thought of playing with Chae again ever crossed my mind. Actually, that’s how we started meeting for coffee.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>The first time we hadn’t even decided to meet. It was right after our lake sort of trip, I stopped for a quick coffee and some </span>
  <span>
    <em>me</em>
  </span>
  <span> time at Starbucks after rehearsals and I bumped into her at the line. To say she was the least enthusiastic about such whim of fate is an understatement, still I persuaded her to sit with me. I should have known there was something amiss when she accepted, right? She confronted me, called me out on my shit, isn’t it hilarious? At first I didn’t know how to react, I was taken aback by her stoic yet somehow disturbing determination. She conveyed her feelings in such concise and effective manner that, all in all, I was impressed. Amused, because she was like a puppy showing her teeth, but impressed. My first thought was that she was a really good friend, to be honest; the second one, that I wish I had ever had the gut to do what she was doing in that moment. If there was only one thing to admire about Tzuyu, it shouldn’t be her beauty but her bravery, her disposition to live and being her best self that never fails her despite the fear of being alone or the handicap that is being in a foreign country communicating in a foreign language. Her strength to push through every problem she bumps into and her capability not to look back. And what was your third thought, you may be wondering? Well, in that moment, with Tzuyu in front of me basically threatening to ruin me and my life if I dared to hurt her friend again, my last thought before I could put myself together and articulate a sardonic smile to mock her and gain back control was that she had never looked more beautiful than in that moment.</span>
</p><p class="western">We did meet for more coffee in several more occasions, maybe three or four times a week since that incident. I can’t say it was something consensual between us, not at first anyway. It just happened that Starbuck’s macchiato is her favorite and I kept going there after rehearsals because… I couldn’t bring myself to <span>go </span>anywhere else just like I couldn’t just ignore her and sit somewhere different whenever I would see her there munching at her straw like a puppy, not even <span>if</span> she would find <span>new</span> ways to insult me every day. In my defense, she kept coming as well even when I would greet her every time by making fun of her munching in a variety of creative manners before taking my spot in front of her. The first few days we would just sit in silence staring at our phones but <span>with the passing days</span> conversation would spur from time to time and at some point the tension wasn’t there anymore, or at least it didn’t suffocate.</p><p class="western">To be honest with you, a part of me expected her to reprimand me after Mina’s birthday party — likely the same one that felt disappointed when I realized <span>she just wasn’t going to come back</span>. Of course I shrugged it off and kept going with my life, I never thought <span>I was able to decide anything different </span>anyway, but still something felt off and I didn’t have a clue of what it was until that silly day when we took photos. What was it? Seeing her relaxed in her natural environment, or maybe laughing for a change? It might have been the sudden joining of forces to mess with Michaeng. In any case, suddenly something clicked and let me tell you that it was freeing in a way… but very scary.</p><p class="western">To say something had shifted would be inaccurate. No, I don’t think anything was ever different to begin with. We went from zero straight to this, whatever this is, and I didn’t know how to describe it but something was telling me behind all that disdain and her unaffected <span>disposition</span> she was aching as well. There was nothing wrong with texting her, our talks were rather innocent in nature though I might have been testing the waters by slipping faint traces of double meanings. Being the way Tzuyu is, trying to get anything <span>from</span> her from a text was an impossible mission so I thought maybe if I could see her face while tempting her a little bit, words passed under the rug, I could see the slightest glimpse of an emotion in her face that would allow me to know if I was right or I was creating an Oscar winning movie in my head. It was maybe a bit too much to say in front of Minho, way too reckless of me. I have never been this careless, am I relaxing too much?</p><p class="western">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p class="western">Seeking for a peaceful night alone to think, eat and drink, I end up in the only place I’ve felt sheltered in recent days. Some may argue it’s the place where I take my girl dates but it’s so discreet it allows you to put the load you carry aside and take off the mask for a little while without the constant fear of being caught in the headlights. Not today, however — the moment I enter I spot them even under the dim light, all thanks to that characteristic shade of pink. Sana never told me she was going to come to The Alley tonight, although it was probably so she wouldn’t have to explain why she would be hanging with Kim Dahyun in here from all places either. I didn’t see this coming for some reason — I didn’t peg our devoted catholic Dahyunnie for a ladies’ girl or a sweet and tormented girl like Sana for a serpent of temptation. I mean, Sana’s easy but she doesn’t lure, her pants just slip down by themselves for any girl in need. Somebody is going to eat more than the forbidden fruit tonight… although it doesn’t feel like one of those dinners for some reason. It’s the shy and pink hue in Dahyun’s cheeks, noticeable even in the shadows, the way her fingers scratch ever so slightly in the wooden table to refrain from reaching to her because of all those wonderful uncertainties that <span>cheesy novellas reflect so well</span>, Sana’s tiniest giggles drowned by sips of wine… and above all, the sudden warmth of her eyes, fixed on Dahyun like she’s a magnet, the only thing that exists in this very moment. I wish someone would ever look at me like that.</p><p class="western">How curious, my thing with Sana is and has always been a complicity we could never feel with nobody else because they don’t understand what it is being under this enormous pressure, how nerve wrecking it is to always feel between the wall and the blade of a sword to the point it can make you wish you just weren’t… well, you. I do envy Chaeyoung because she always seems so free. Even though she bears it like a secret as well she doesn’t seem to struggle this much with the weight, you know? For Sana and I it was always the greatest struggle, how to live without living, moreso for Sana — I at least have always accepted reality as it is instead of trying to fight against my feelings. There is another more palpable difference between Sana and I, nonetheless, and it roots in our base character. For Sana, her nature is a pain that haunts her and hurts everyone around her, a blight, a poison that corrodes her and turns her into a venomous being so she must protect those around her from herself at all cost. She’s a martyr willing to give up her own happiness, which while noble in essence has resulted to be rather problematic for her and everyone else since the obvious toll that inner-battle takes on her <span>damages her relationships way more than it would just accepting herself. Not that I’m</span> discovering <span>the wheel here</span> but I think we can all agree on this. I, on the other hand, am more practical and maybe a tad too rancorous. I’m not stupidly hopeful like Chaeyoung, I don’t live in her universe of rainbows and pink unicorns. I am perfectly fine the way I am, but I am also very aware that the world I live in doesn’t think the same and in fact it can get very hostile against people like me.</p><p class="western">Jeongyeon told me once that I am relentless and maybe that is why I am so determined to survive, whatever it takes. Now, that being said, I do see how unfair that is and don’t think that just sits with me because it doesn’t. The world, the people, they insist on making me decide between a life and everything that <span>implies </span>and being able to be myself. This is not a choice I’ve made lightly, you know? Even if sometimes it might look like that. But how could I choose differently when that would mean losing my family, my future, Jeongyeon…? It wasn’t that difficult of a choice since I am lucky enough to be attracted to men as well so if I keep telling myself I could just found a man that I could love, I could just <em>pass</em> and <em>adapt</em> and eventually, I wouldn’t feel so much like I am lying to everyone and there’s no one I could trust and lean on. However, until that happens, I will just keep doing my thing and feeling entitled to do whatever I want with whoever I want, because if the world insists on taking away my happiness, I have the right to take from it whatever the fuck I please. That’s the main difference between Sana and I, the thing I thought made me stronger than her or smarter, maybe. Yet she’s right there having dinner with a girl she likes and I am here, walking in the darkness.</p><p class="western">I did think I deserved everything I could get if everything I really wanted just kept being taken away from me but what have I got in return? Jeongyeon doesn’t love me anymore than she has always done, Chaeyoung ended up deeply hurt and I can’t even get a lay anymore because Minho is out of the equation and my girl-lays think I’m a <span>degenerate</span> or anything. It’s not my fault that the only moment they want me is when they are hurting, is it? We are all hurting, but at least I’m trying.</p><p class="western">It scares me a lot, though. It happened with Chaeyoung before — as the eldest I should have known better. I don’t want to hurt Tzuyu as well by playing my wicked games, please believe me, but I will. It can happen in a wide range of ways — maybe my way of surviving will make her feel less than, perhaps it happens like it did with Minho and I just get bored or maybe like with Chaeyoung I cannot just give her my heart because it will always remain locked in a wooden cage under Jeongyeon’s bed. However it happens, she won’t get out of this unscathed but there’s this thought tickling behind my ear that insists on raising my hopes. Because what if I don’t get bored? What if what I’m feeling is Tzuyu nonchalantly taking my heart without asking, munching on it like the big and rude puppy she is? What if she can understand where we stand in this world and we can make it work together?</p><p class="western">
  <span>How foolish! My stupid mind is making me feel stupid things. I must be giving you the worst impression but I’m never this emotional. Never mind, I am very happy for Sana, she does deserve something good and especial and maybe this is it, the moment everything starts taking a turn for the better for everyone: Sana finding something special in Dahyun, Chae rocking it off with Mina, Momo finally </span>
  <span>getti-</span>
  <span>… well… Is this a sign come from somewhere in the universe for me to take a leap of faith? The chains that bound me to Jeongyeon keep feeling heavier and heavier, and even after everything that has happened in the last few years, the toll these unrequited feelings have taken in our friendship has never hurt this much. Should this be a good chance to aim for happiness, I ought to take it, right? The last try to be free.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>
    <b>Me: </b>
  </span>
  <span>Im hungry</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>
    <b>Chewy: </b>
  </span>
  <span>And I’m busy.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>
    <b>Me:</b>
  </span>
  <span> but u answered ur phone</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>
    <b>Chewy:</b>
  </span>
  <span> I’ve learned my lesson for the next time.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>
    <b>Me:</b>
  </span>
  <span> Im coming over w/ chinese food</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>
    <b>Me: </b>
  </span>
  <span>Want anyth special?</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>
    <b>Chewy:</b>
  </span>
  <span> Dim sums.</span>
</p><p class="western"><b>Me:</b> Ill be right there</p><p class="western">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p class="western">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0023"><h2>23. What do you think I am, a pervert? Nayeon.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western"> </p><p class="western">As far as these last few months have gone, April’s finally going like life is supposed to go for people like me. It seems it’s also been a good time to be alive for the others but let’s start with me, that will catch your attention.</p><p class="western">You’ve probably heard about the play we’re working on for our end of the degree project. A musical, to be more precise. By ‘we’ I mean Sana and I, but of course I am the main character, the heroine. It is the story of a bunch of girls starting in the music industry and going through all the ups and downs, living the shiniest parts of the show biz though also the gloomiest and shadiest. Obviously, I’m the dedicated prodigy whose charisma grants her an impeccable reputation as well as great acknowledgment indoors and out in the public but that also comes with a very creepy stalker problem. Sana’s some pink haired and slutty cinnamon roll whose life is ruined when the public starts seeing things they’d just dismiss in any normal person but not her because they’ve put her in such high pedestal a human being is simply not able to live up to such expectations — boring, if you ask me, but she chose the part freely. Kim Dahyun is also helping with the play, if you didn’t know. The kid has proven to be more skilled than I ever imagined, she’s the one that has adapted and composed the songs and arranged the melodies for most of the play. I would have given her a 20/10 if it wasn’t because she’s been rather distracted during the last few rehearsals. At first I thought there was nothing more than an innocent <em>girlcrush</em> between those two, frothy admiration so typical of the most naïve youth that didn’t have to lead anywhere, but after seeing them together in The Alley those glances, giggles and blushes are acquiring a very different meaning. My only hope is that Sana keeps her under her wing long enough for the play to be the gigantic success I foresee. If by any means those two ruin my project, I swear European inquisitorial tortures will look like tickles in comparison.</p><p class="western">Anyway, let’s address what’s really important: why April is turning into my favorite month of the year. Besides the play running splendidly, the fact that Jeongyeon has once more told Jimin to go fuck himself after finding out he was meeting with Jung Eunji-nim for more than typical TA evaluations has proven to be quite the booster for my mood. Honestly, she was foaming at the mouth this time. Has anything changed since she caught him cheating with Sohee, Solbin, Chungha, Hwasa and all the others? Maybe the fact that she’s a teacher, although I’m not sure why that’s relevant. In any case, this is the first time I’ve seen Yoo Jeongyeon showing some back bone so I’m happy for her. She’s probably going back to him before the end of the week but let’s enjoy the present, which right now is as bright as Tzuyu’s smile.</p><p class="western">Oh, Tzuyu-ssi. She’s just as confusing as she was before but for the first time in my life the tickles of uncertainty make a nice feeling. It goes without saying that we’re keeping a low profile — we’re both still getting used to each other, seeing where this is going even though it feels wonderfully promising. We talked about boundaries and at least for now she seems to understand and accept my reticence to say anything to Jihyo or Jeongyeon. Her friends are her thing but mine are my business, you know? She didn’t comment much on it, maybe because it’s convenient for her as well. Plus, she’s new to all of this dating women thing, likely dating at all. That’s another thing to be taken into consideration — the main reason why I haven’t really said anything to Momo, Mina or Sana about this yet, although I was hoping to have one of our conversations at The Alley with my favorite snake since she also seems to be enjoying her fair share of unripe fruit. Our schedules have barely met lately and don’t tell her this but I’ve sort of missed her.</p><p class="western">That is the reason why I’ve insisted on her staying behind with me after rehearsals. Not that she has ever shied from being clingy but I’m sure Dahyun not being here for today has played a big part in her accommodating disposition. Even if it’s not under the protective roof of our secluded restaurant, even if it’s right here in the middle of the faculty, I need to take this out of my chest. Don’t get me wrong, this thing with Tzuyu does feel good as I’ve said before, but a good tickle it’s still a tickle — it stays in the back of your mind, it bothers, prevents you from doing the things that you should do, to be present and enjoy the things that you should be there for. An ache that needs to be scratched, and nobody’s better for that than Sana… although this time she’ll do it with words or Tzuyu might be pissed. I was going to make a joke about Sana’s tongue but I’m really not 100% sure Tzuyu doesn’t have telepathic powers and I don’t want to test my luck with that just yet.</p><p class="western">“Kim Sana!”</p><p class="western">“Jesus Christ!” she jolts and the sheets of script she was carefully placing inside her folder fall to the ground.</p><p class="western">“Close enough.” Sana rolls her eyes and retrieves her stuff from the ground to put it back in her backpack. She’s always had a fine butt, I kinda miss it sometimes. No, focus: Tzuyu. “I need to talk to you.”</p><p class="western">Whenever Sana is curious about something, she tilts her head like a doggy… I was going to make another joke but again I’ll save it. The<em> Force </em>is strong these days and I don’t want to be choked to death by a mystic power.</p><p class="western">“I’m busy tonight but we can grab dinner at The Alley tomorrow if you want.”</p><p class="western">“I’m… Nobody’s gonna come here anyway and I really need to talk to you.” Sana scrunches her brow for a second and the next one true worry appears in her eyes. Damn you, beautiful and caring cutie, you make it very difficult for me to laugh at your expense. “It’s about Tzuyu.”</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu?” She didn’t have a clue, that’s good, I guess. Okay, let’s go, Im Nayeon, you can do this. “What about Tzuyu?” But the words won’t come out that easily. It’s like I’ve gone mute all of the sudden. Ugh, damn it. My teeth tug from my lower lip in a vain intent to wake up my brain and force words to sprout but they just won’t so, as the practical person I am, I try to convey what I mean with my face. “Oh…” It seems to work wonders because her eyes widen to the size of the rising sun before excitement keeps flooding out of her mouth. “OH!” Maybe a bit too much. “Does she know?!” Huh?</p><p class="western">“Who?”</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu!” I’m not following. “That you like her, dummy!” Oh, dear me.</p><p class="western">“We are dating, Sana.” Her eyes pop out of her orbits. No, I’m kidding, but they might well have. If she keeps opening her mouth like that I’m going to have to make a joke this time and it will be out loud. “Well… no, we’re... I suppose.”</p><p class="western">“Does Chae know?”</p><p class="western">“She will, soon I think. That’s also why I wanted to talk to you.”</p><p class="western">“You want me to ease the way until you tell her?” It’s very kind of her to offer, actually, but that’s never been my style. You know I like to leave an impression.</p><p class="western">“I want to know how you’re managing to carry a relationship with Dahyun and how do you plan on telling Chaeyoung-ssi, if you’ll tell her at all.” The face she makes is like the blue screen of terror, that one that appears on your computer when it’s dying dead in its ultimate death. After a few seconds of silence and staring, I truly believe Sana’s gone beyond repair. “Nobody else knows, you know you can’t hide that stuff from me,” I reassure her. Still, it takes her more than a couple of seconds to lose the tension in her shoulders and draw her usual sweet smile.</p><p class="western">“Sometimes you scare me, eonnie.” Being barely a couple of months older, Sana only calls me eonnie when she truly feels like it and I’m fine with it. Alright, moving on! This is getting too emotional and mushy for my taste. “I guess we took down some of the obstacles between us and it showed up to the expert eye.”</p><p class="western">“It did,” I nod, “to <em>my</em> expert eye.”</p><p class="western">“It is an everyday work, really. We’re als-”</p><p class="western">“Eonnie!” A furious baby cub suddenly makes its appearance, fangs showing and ears peeking from behind the big doors of the theatre. If she had whiskers, they’d be stiff as a stick, cutting the air as she strides in our direction. We both turn around and stand still, more surprised than anything as our gazes meet Chaeyoung’s fury. The first thought that crosses my mind is that she definitely knows. “What are your intentions with Dahyun?” Yup…</p><p class="western">“You just found out?” I put an arm around Chaeyoung’s waist and another around Sana’s, trying to downplay the issue. “I forgot you were this dense.”</p><p class="western">“She’s very, very dense…” Sana might be a blonde/pink haired bimbo but she’s very quick on the uptake when she wants.</p><p class="western">“Did Dubu tell you? Bold.”</p><p class="western">“The School Meal Club is relentless.” Oh, so they tortured the poor girl until they got the truth. I can’t help picturing Tzuyu’s face of satisfaction melting down when she realized how her ways have resulted in a secret like hers being revealed. Delicious. It makes my skin tingle.</p><p class="western">“My poor angel…” I might be getting old but my ears are still very much functioning. So this is how it’s going to be with Saida, I’m going to need some insulin or at least a bag to barf in.</p><p class="western">“Eonnie! You better not be just snaking again.” Burn! And then they say I am the one with the sensitivity of a brick.</p><p class="western">“I’m gonna pretend you didn’t say that,” Sana huffs and sits down on the edge of the stage, folding her arms. “I do like her. A lot.” Even blind you could say that much, I was waiting for more spicy details, though. “We’re… getting to know each other.”</p><p class="western">“Betcha,” I reply with a snort. Little Dahyun is eaten tofu, when Sana finishes with her there will be nothing left and she’ll still say thank you.</p><p class="western">“Not in that way!” She does try to kick me and I avoid her in the last second. Rude. “Not yet anyway.”</p><p class="western">That sounds fake but okay. Only knowing how much of a sucker Sana is for a pout and a tear and how insanely innocent Dahyun is… What are these two dimwits doing, by the way? I can only describe it as the most intense and random stare battle. That or both of them are having a synchronized stroke. There’s no need to worry, however, since Chae finally decides to speak.</p><p class="western">“You have my… cautious blessing, then.” If I was Sana, I’d roll my eyes but she seems to take it to heart and be almost grateful. Since I’m not Sana, I choke on my spit. This cub, I swear. Wasn’t she the free spirit? When did she become such a traditionalist?</p><p class="western">“What an honor, do I get that too?” This is my chance.</p><p class="western">“Why?” Is she…? I’m not sure whether she’s being scathing or she actually means it and has no clue. Since it’s Son Chaeyoung we’re talking about, I’ll bet on the second one.</p><p class="western">“Shit, Tzuyu didn’t talk to you.” She might kill me now. Waiting for the Force to suffocate me… Nothing? Good.</p><p class="western">“No way.” Sana hits me out of the blue.</p><p class="western">“Ouch! Why?!” What’s she playing at?</p><p class="western">“Our maknae, seriously?!” DIDN’T I JUST TELL HER TEN MINUTES AGO?! Oh! Minatozaki Sana is able to surprise me after all, she’s trying to redirect Chaeyoung’s wrath towards me to save that perky and smooth ass of hers. Slutty and snakey rat!</p><p class="western">“We’re just getting to know each other,” I fight back, imitating her tone, mocking her. She gives me a dirty look but it doesn’t last long.</p><p class="western">“I can’t believe this,” Chaeyoung then murmurs in a sort of haze.</p><p class="western">This must have been too much for that hollow, filled-with-birds-and-butterflies brain of hers. Really, our romantic shenanigans have probably broken her, too bad. No, even worse — what I thought was going to die down as a trifling conversation after the initial shock had passed ends up becoming a dull and full blown argument. Yes, an argument. Why, you’ll wonder? Well, on Sana’s part, she seems to be quite bothered all of the sudden by the fact that Chaeyoung and Mina are at long last an established and official thing, not just a fling. It’s funny, I do recall seeing her pulling the threads like a martyr despite her confusing feelings so those two would become close, I don’t understand what’s so terrible about the love birds flying away together now. It’s not like Chaeyoung is going to <em>taint</em> Mina — in truth, something tells me such innocent looking girl hides a very exciting and deliciously dark side that I’m sure our little cub will enjoy way too much. Listen to my words and remember them, I’m always right. Aren’t you lucky you’re able to listen to my wise and experienced words? Here there is another master class: <em>‘Lessons for life, part one’ —</em> sweet looking girls tend to be the worst of us all. Or best, depending on how you look at it... Sluttiest, anyway. I take Sana as my main example; the word my mom used to describe her when she first met her was… How was it? A sweetheart, yeah, and half an hour later that same girl was pining me against my desk, licking a burning path from my chest to my neck and nibbling my earlobe in a way that would make a porn star blush. So much for a<em> sweetheart. </em>Damn cute and sexy fairy Sana, how long has it been since…? Never mind, never mind. This precisely takes us to the second issue: Chae seems to be suddenly very worried my intentions with Tzuyu might be dishonest. Really, what have I ever done to earn this reputation? Yes, I’ve put myself around like it’s my own right to do so. Nobody judges Sana! Not too hard in my view, and let me tell you Chaeyoung is far from a saint as well. However, the only one to receive a poor treatment is me. Assholes. They look down on me, put me on the same level of a pervert as if I was someone who would stalk Tzuyu and steal her underwear or something like that. In all honesty, I could make her willingly take it off or better yet, beg me to do it for her. Underwear is bothersome, anyway, and Tzuyu’s body’s so... I think I’ve lost my point completely but it’s okay, I’m also participating in the dispute. Not that I have anything against any of them getting some but since they insist on belittling me and being a pain in my ass, I might as well find whatever reason to oppose them like not wanting Sana’s witchy-bitchy ways to distract Dahyun from working her best on <em>my</em> play.</p><p class="western">“Enough!” First we leave Chaeyoung out of order, now we make Sana have a breakdown. Not aiming to steal the spotlight more than I’m owed but all of this is giving me a slight migraine. “Since we don’t seem to reach an agreement the most obvious solution is to keep it in our pants. Finito.” Excuse you?!</p><p class="western">“What?” Chaeyoung can’t believe it either.</p><p class="western">“Am I hearing correctly?” I must have thought it was a migraine and it turns out it was a brain tumor. I’m hallucinating. “Minatozaki Sana preaching chastity, oh my goodness.”</p><p class="western">“What are you insinuating?” she sneers at me like I’ve stepped on her foot. There’s no chance she can play innocent and outraged with me now, and especially not in front of Chaeyoungie, not again. They wanted to hear some truths from me and they’re going to get what they want.</p><p class="western">“Insinuating? Nothing at all,” I slightly lean back on the stage, hovering over her raising my chin. Challenging her to say that I’m wrong. “I’m boldly saying if you have a good reputation in this place it’s only because you like boys as much as eating glass and girls won’t say a word about your encounters for obvious reasons.”</p><p class="western">“Eonnies…”</p><p class="western">“Are you calling me loose?!” Like she’s surprised in any way. Can you believe it? I do step back before she gives in to the temptation of head bumping me. The air is getting too dense.</p><p class="western">“I would never!” My fake outrage sounds… well, fake, but it’s completely intentional for sarcastic purposes. I’m a much better actress, Jeongyeon can tell. Or more like she can’t. I’m just<em> so</em> good. “Although in my experience everything a girl needs to get you enthusiastically between their legs is to look a bit sad and in need of comfort.”</p><p class="western">“Oh, come on…” Chaeyoung face palms herself and turns around, hiding, maybe for the best. I had never seen that vein in Sana’s forehead but it’s about to pop just like my eardrums the moment she opens her mouth next to insult me. I don’t understand what she’s called me, however, I believe that frequency can only be heard by dogs and maybe bats.</p><p class="western">Losing 40% of my hearing seems worth it, though, because the next thing Sana does is taking a deep breath and stepping forward. I know what you’re thinking, that she’s going to punch me in the face with those weak yet skilled hands of hers but far from that, what she does next is speaking with purpose and determination.</p><p class="western">“We’re doing this, girls.” I knew I was missing Sana’s vicepresident side but always assumed she giving orders to someone like me would be more ridiculous than alluring, definitely not this sexy. Honestly, guys, I’m becoming sexually frustrated and this is getting out of hand already, do you really think it would be healthy to keep celibacy for much longer? Don’t stress your exhausted brain cell too much, I’ll answer for you: absolutely not.</p><p class="western">“Have you seen Tzuyu?!” I didn’t think two ragging lesbians like them would need this kind of explanation but it seems like the bisexual is the gayest of us all.</p><p class="western">“Eonnie!” Chaeyoung whines and tries to hit me. How dares this smurf?</p><p class="western">“What?!”</p><p class="western">“She’s more than a pretty face,” she says, rather brusquely. Again with this attitude. If I was someone less laid back than me, I would feel really offended by the way they see me. Im Nayeon, however, she’s unshaken by the opinion of mere peasants and handles the situation with witty humor and sharp sarcasm. Sass and class.</p><p class="western">“Oh, her hair is gorgeous too, and her b-“</p><p class="western">“I’m serious, eonnie.” So not fun for a young girl.</p><p class="western">“Me too, so serio-”</p><p class="western">“Don’t do that,” Chaeyoung folds her arms and furrows her brow, I had seldom seen her this serious. “Don’t treat her like she’s a piece of meat.” HOW AM I DOING THAT?</p><p class="western">“I do no-“ She doesn’t know the first thing about us yet she won’t let me explain myself either. This is getting frustrating.</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu is so much more, she’s intelligent and talented, and way more sensitive than what people give her the credit for.” What she doesn’t understand (or doesn’t want to) is that I’d never put myself in the first line of fire like this if I didn’t know all of that already. “If you are serious about this and want to know her and have a proper relationship with her, you’ll take things slow.” It already itches when Sana says it but Chaeyoung? It makes me wonder if I ever rushed her and I just can’t recall it. As for as I am concerned, I was many things, played very dirty with her but I can affirm without hesitation that I never pushed her into intimacy or made her do something she wasn’t ready for, and she knows that. “She already has enough assholes drooling over her.” Believe me, I know that all too well. “She’s more than her looks.”</p><p class="western">“Why do you put it like I’m a predator now? None of us planned this.”</p><p class="western">“If that’s the case and you’re serious, you won’t go further unless you tell her about Jeong.” OH! So that’s where she was driving at, what all this shitty attitude was about. Now it makes sense, fucking asshole. She had to bring her into the conversation, God forbid we forgive about fucking Yoo Jeongyeon for one minute!</p><p class="western">“Excuse you, who do you think you are to order around here?”</p><p class="western">“Practicing some self-control wouldn’t hurt you either.”</p><p class="western">“Says you,” Sana slides it in like a pro. I knew I liked her for a reason.</p><p class="western">“Not one to talk, eonnie,” Chaeyoung replies with irritation. What’s with her today? She’s just firing low blow after low blow, fucking brat. My ears haven’t stopped hurting when another spike of outrage raises Sana’s voice.</p><p class="western">“I was drunk the first time, what’s your excuse for the second one?” Oh my God!</p><p class="western">“Was there a second one?!” Chaeyoung looks at Sana, face melting with horror. The other girl, however, turns to me like a deer in the headlights. “Wait, you said nothing happened.”</p><p class="western">“You know?!” Chaeyoung’s spirit has just left her body. So now someone’s afraid of being judged like she likes to do with others, huh? She’s so fucking lucky I’m this absolutely awesome human being.</p><p class="western">“Believe me, I’ve been dying to taunt you for weeks but I won’t, only because she’s hot af and I get it. Still I know why now.”<em> Why you were so wet that night.</em> It takes the lingering idea a couple of minutes from the moment it leaves my lips to the time she hears it and it settles in her mind to sink in her mind. The moment she catches my drift, though, that is priceless. The desire, the need of dying in this very moment is so obvious all over her: her eyes, the quiver of her lips, the tremble of her hands, the uncomfortable position of her limbs… I can almost touch it, play with it. But I won’t because contrary to them I do have some sense of respect and am able to content myself by judging them severely in my mind. Not joking now, Sana… she’s a power of nature and they’re not even related, it’s sketchy but not too much to cross the thin red line of decency. That’s my humble opinion, of course, although since it’s the only one that matters it should be taken as a full statement.</p><p class="western">“Chaeyoung-ah, you said it yourself. It couldn’t be love because you didn’t even know her. You know what follows if this becomes something serious, you’re not dragging Mina this way unless you’re sure.”</p><p class="western">“This way?” I need to ask.</p><p class="western">“The gay way.” Maybe it’s Sana’s deadpan or the fact that I don’t even process it correctly when she says it but a loud guffaw escapes my throat. This is getting ridiculous.</p><p class="western">“Isn’t she pretty much in this already?” Surreal. Chaeyoung negotiating with her sister over shagging her girlfriend. Now I’ve seen it all. “It’s not like I’ve poisoned her americano to turn her gay.”</p><p class="western">“And they call me dramatic…” I take a seat on the stage and await for sleep to come. Or death, this conversation is killing me slowly. My attitude seems to grind a jumpy Sana’s gears because she turns to me and lashes out with acid hostility:</p><p class="western">“I’m not taking the opinion of the one who dated a guy she didn’t like for a year only to hide she’s a raggin-”</p><p class="western">“Bisexual,” I correct her appropriately before she can make a mistake.</p><p class="western">“My point stands.”</p><p class="western">“It’s not like the girl doesn’t have a choice.” Frankly, I’m awesome. Despite this random display of madness, I’m trying to make her come into her senses with the uttermost sensitivity I can manage although she’s acting all cray-cray and my patience has a limit. Take a minute to value my infinite effort. “She’s choosing Chaeyoung.”</p><p class="western">“I sorta understand what Sana means, though.” Another one down into the mad hole.</p><p class="western">“Are you kidding me? You’re with her in this?”</p><p class="western">Nothing makes sense anymore. Chaeyoung ignores me and stares at her sister with quiet solemnity before adding:</p><p class="western">“I promise I’ll take it slow with her. I’m going to make things right this time.”</p><p class="western">“You’re making such a big deal out of this!” I give up and lay down on the stage, defeated by the dimwit. How sad. I might lose a battle but I won’t lose the war. “How old are you, 16?”</p><p class="western">“People’s first times are important, Nayeon.” Minatozaki Sana, first thief of innocence, trying to lecture <em>me</em> of all people.</p><p class="western">“No, they’re not.” I’ve had enough. I stand on my feet, grab my bag and walk towards the door, patting Chaeyoung’s shoulder when I pass by her. “And I hate to be the one to break this to you, but I strongly doubt this will be Mina’s first time.” That earns me a glare but I can’t care any less, really.</p><p class="western">“She meant Tzuyu’s!” Chaeyoung grabs my hand and pulls, not allowing me to leave.</p><p class="western">“Come on!” I clench my jaw and take a deep breath before firing my last shot to try to put some sense into them. “You are putting too much thought into this. Let it happen organically and when it does, make it the most enjoyable situation for them.” Both of them let their eyes fall, hopefully a bit ashamed of such exaggerated reaction against my best judgment. “99% of people’s first times are shitty, just try to make them feel good and comfortable.”</p><p class="western">“Mine wasn’t shitty,” Chaeyoungie comments. Of course it wasn’t, it was with me! The good old days. In all seriousness, I can’t recall my first time as clearly as I remember the first time between Chaeyoung and I, probably for the better. She wore her hair really short then, even shorter than now — she used to say she wanted to look like Kristen Stewart, I don’t think there’s anything gayer than that. Baby gay Chaeyoung was a sight, I swear. Anyway, I was taking her home from a date in The Alley, we had been dating for a few weeks by then, and even more flirting. She also was wearing a sleeveless shirt that night, kudos to me for not jumping her bones during the desserts. She was so nervous, so damn cute! Damn, I’m getting emotional and everything. The only memory of her flushed cheeks makes me want to squeeze them even now but I don’t. Instead, I look into her eyes allowing the smile that pulls from my lips to blossom freely and blow her a kiss.</p><p class="western">“Yah! Stop both of you.” Sana hits us both and jumps in her spot. “It’s still weird.”</p><p class="western">“This is weird?” I point from Chae to my gorgeous self and then form her to Sana and back. “THAT is weird.”</p><p class="western">“That never happened,” Chaeyoung huffs and folds her arms before her chest.</p><p class="western">“You guys change the story every time, I’m starting to believe you were playing the Lannisters pretty well.” While Chaeyoungie does gag, Sana’s only reaction is a deep and exhausted sigh. This is going nowhere. “Fuck off, both of you.” We all get some or non of us will. “If I can’t have sex with my girl until I tell her about Jeongyeon, you can’t have sex with yours unless you tell them about each other.” Now look who gives each other panicked stares. Maybe the taste of their own medicine is a bit too bitter. “Yeah, now you know how stupid it sounds.” Ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous. The time we’re wasting discussing such nonsense when I’m this busy, I’m stressed. “Listen… ugh! I hate you so much, what have I done for you to think I’d just force Tzuyu into anything, really?” They don’t even know what to say. Dumbasses, both of them. “Of course I’ll wait until she’s taking my pants off with her teeth, but if she wants it I won’t say no to her.”</p><p class="western">Chaeyoung closes her eyes like she’s just felt a slap across her face.</p><p class="western">“I didn’t need to picture that, thank you for traumatizing me for life.”</p><p class="western">“Girls,” Sana takes over again, this time way more calm. She even hugs our waists and brings us closer. In any other context I would have understood something very different by this gesture, especially coming from Sana. Sadly this situation is way less fun. “The three of us do have the tendency of being worse than a tornado meeting a volcanic eruption and a landslide in the middle of an earthquake.” Talk for yourself, I’m amazing and very easy to deal with. “No sexy stuff until it’s the right time, whatever that means for you.”<em> The right time</em>, for fuck’s sake.<em> “</em>But be honest to yourself and to your girl.” Then she extends her hand in front of us and her eyes perforate our souls. “It’s a promise.” Are we really doing this? Chaeyoung complies and places her hand on hers. You must be fucking kidding me… Okay, okay, social pressure!</p><p class="western">“Only if it’s a bro promise, bruh.” I tease her before mimicking them. Never a promise between girls had fewer brain cells involved.</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0024"><h2>24. Because I won’t allow this on my watch. Sana.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">Time flies faster than you realize. Goodness, how old I sound already.</p>
<p class="western">It’s been a while since I arrived to South Korea and yet I remember it as if it was yesterday. I can recall the knot in my gut, the <span>tingle</span> in my fingertips, the headache crushing me, the burn of the tears dangling from the corner of my eyes, threatening to spill. All the unpleasant feelings aside, I can picture perfectly yet another thing — the sight of a blue oompa loompa. Poor thing, Chaeyoungie. She was what you’d think about when you think of a kid: she looked like a child, acted like a child, sounded like a child… Now she’s a woman and today she’s turning 21.</p>
<p class="western">It might have something to do with all that’s happened in the last catastrophic year but in my view Chaeyoung has grown up so much, not only as a person but also physically. Her hair has grown below her shoulders and I’m not sure if it’s the silvery dye but her features suddenly look chiseled<span> in stone</span>, more mature. She’s lost her most childish and innocent grimace in favor of a sharper glance that far from striking as cold bears her old warmth. She’s become kind of sexy, to be honest. Stop, it doesn’t have <em>that </em>kind of effect on me… most of the time anyway. What I mean by this is that Chaeyoung has become a woman and it shows.</p>
<p class="western">This is the first birthday that I’ve ever celebrated with <span>my new sister</span>. Not even during my first birthday in South Korea scarce months after my arrival she would party with me — not that it was all her to blame, I refused to celebrate anything at all since I wasn’t in the mood. I’ve been told I can be really crabby if something is bothering me and my mom’s new family added up to my utter lack of friends for sure was annoying. At the time, I was barely getting to know Momo and my old most Japanese ways made getting to know someone a lengthy and slow process. That version of me didn’t last long, however; the moment Momo started opening her heart to me and I realized she was just as crazy as I secretly was everything developed naturally, and then the rest of girls appeared in my life and here we are. The nine of us have gone out for a <span>delicious</span> dinner at <span>the Yoo family</span>’s restaurant — for years I’ve tried to charm Jeongyeon only for the sake of having her dad as my father-in-law so he’ll cook for me but it’s been impossible — and when the desserts were over and the old man stopped providing us of wine and soju bottles, we disappeared into the darkness of the night in seek of an even darker club to dance. For a while we’ve waltzed through the tight streets of Seoul, dancing and singing freely to the moon. Laughing. <span>It might be Chaeyoung’s birthday but I believe I have enjoyed it the most so far the way the presence of the eight of them feels</span> wonderfully like family. For one night there has been no tension, no pending conversations and unresolved disputes — it has been all warm and good fun in the company of my friends, my sister and my Dahyunnie.</p>
<p class="western">This is not about me, however. This is about Chaeyoung and her blossoming into adulthood. And damn, isn’t she growing into her most adult self. The moment we arrive to the club she’s the first one to go to the bar, followed closely by the terrible trio: Nayeon, Jeongyeon and Jihyo. Such a <span>ho</span>rrible influence, honestly — alcohol-wise I can’t even exclude Jihyo, who’s generally the mommiest. Once they’ve drawn the attention of the bar tender, they proceed to ask for drinks for everybody without asking. Yes, everyone seems to have forgotten I don’t drink anymore, everyone but Momoring, bless her who takes one for the team and drinks my <em>poktanju</em> after hers. Dahyunnie has offered as well in a moment of gallantry but I know how much alcohol <span>Momoring can take and in my experience Dahyun is a fairy light weight. Chaeyoungie is not much better but still she links her arm with Mina’s and they both take a shot — she better control that reckless lion cub, I know I can trust her. I can’t say the same about Nayeon, however. Actually, she and Jeong are muttering something as they order our maknae’s drink. Why asking for a beer for the youngest when they can order the dirtiest mixture of drinks? My glare bristles Nayeon’s nape and she turns around with the most childish grin tugging from her lips. She blows me a kiss and extends the drink to Tzuyu, who is way too smart not to take a sniff first. It must have burned the shit out of her nostrils because she puts it away immediately and grabs Jeongyeon’s beer instead. The two devils look at each other in the most tense seconds of the night before Nayeon, faster than anybody, starts hitting the bar and chanting for Jeongyeon to drink it, taunting her saying she doesn’t have the guts. Only when Jihyo and Momo join the cheering Jeong gives in and takes a gulp, opening her mouth like a fuming dragon right after in a vain intent to stop the burn that hits her throat. Then she drags the glass towards Nayeon and the chants turn against her. </span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>What’s wrong, eonnie? No laughing anymore?” Tzuyu takes advantage of the turn of the events to mock the girl but it works like a full challenge. One last glance to the maknae, a purse of the lips and Nayeon takes the drink to her mouth, taking a big gulp of it with such nonchalance it’s not even funny. Then she proceeds to exaggeratedly and rather suggestively lick her lips and moan. The younger girl does roll her eyes but even in the darkness I can see her ears lighting up. These two are going to be the death of me, being so disgustingly obvious out in the public. Isn’t Nayeon afraid of Jeong or Jihyo finding out? She’s relaxing, lately relays too much in her well known teasing manners, and one day they’ll start thinking maybe she’s being a bit too suggestive to be joking.</span></p>
<p class="western">
  <span>You might think I’m exaggerating, Chaeyoung does for sure but how could she tell if those two love birds pass their days absorbed in each other? They live in their own world and don’t pay attention to anything else at all. Momo shares my opinion, though. She’s so sick of all that lovey-dovey behavior that she keeps wriggling out of the scene whenever she can — sometimes she’s so spot on she lures JeongJi away so they won’t be too suspicious. Like right now, with a difference: Natzu is nowhere to be seen as well and Michaeng are squeezing between people to get to the dance floor.</span>
</p>
<p class="western"><span>A hand slides in mine, fingers humbly tangling with my own as the warmth of a body leans on me. Her eyes have not even fallen on me when I turn to look at her, they are fixed on the dance floor as she rests her chin casually on my shoulder, hands buried behind layers of fabric, hidden from any indiscreet glance while her thumb runs up and down a path on my skin. My Dahyunnie. She’s so gorgeous tonight I don’t even know what should I describe first — the gorgeous contrast of her snow white skin against the darkness of the black gauze dress, maybe, or perhaps the dangerous curve of those hips of hers that drive me insane, accentuated by a tight leather belt. I look at her, fondly but briefly before guiding her to lose ourselves in the middle of the sea of people grinding on each other. It does sound nasty and sweaty until you realize that means all that grinding and touching can happen between your girl and you in complete anonymity. That’s the same moment when everything turns astonishingly convenient, if one lacks a steely determination, maybe even a bit too much. I used to thrive in the night life — the darkness and smoke that allows absolute anonymity, immunity to the judgment of society, the spiritual haze of the alcohol, the energy of the crowd that makes it so easy to get lost in yourself, to merge with the night and… with the people. Honestly, I’ve missed it. Not that I plan to do anything nasty to Dahyunnie in the middle of the club but let me tell you that when you’re not even able to cuddle your girl without people either thinking you’re that weird friend that takes it way too far at your age or looking at you like you come from a different planet, being able to dance and interact with your girlfriend</span><span><em> normally</em></span><span> means the world. No, I don’t intend to do anything inappropriate, not even when Dahyun turns around, tangles our fingers over her shoulder and swings her hips to the beat of the music. The fact that my body reacts on its own, pulling her closer to dance along, means nothing.</span> <span>Look, I promise my feelings for Dahyun are pure in essence — she’s the cutest and tiniest thing in the world — but those hips are beyond me. They mesmerize me with their swift rocking, take me to another time, to another place where the weight is feather light, where colors and shadows are one and nothing at all. No scents, no sound but the rhythm of the night. Not in my sweetest dreams could I ever have pictured a feeling like this and although I admit that the alcohol running in my veins is just as intoxicating as the atmosphere in the club, there’s nothing more inebriating than her duality. With every swing of her arms, every sway of our hips, everything around us turns smaller, a dark smooth blend of shapes without real form that surrenders at our feet and the world is ours to ride it, ignite it. To burn. The softest murmur of voices dies in favor of the drum that with every beating accompany the pounding inside my chest, making waves and diving under in the most perfect harmony. My hands draw the contour of her belt, recreating in the feeling of the leather against my fingertips never once letting the pace die down, believing myself to be master of the moment, aware (but not really) of how thin the red line is and how close I am to spin out of control. Encouraged by the energy of the room, a conflict spurs within me. I dive my nose in Dahyun’s hair and find myself heavily intoxicated by her fragrance, torn between my need of touching her, hugging her tight and kissing her neck under the protection of the dark in a way I definitely shouldn’t and my tantalizing nature that asks me to be the one to enchant her using my advantageous experience in the art of seduction. Come to think of it, from the both of us Dahyun might be the most sober and more in control, I should be able to trust her not to end up entwined with me in dangerous ways in the middle of the dance floor. Letting her in charge seems like the safest option… also the most fun of them all. I do know my limits but what about Dahyunnie’s?</span></p>
<p class="western">
  <span>So white, so bright, so innocent. It is almost painful at first noticing the change in her attitude, an initial stiffness that opens to accept the sweet corrupting reality, ready to run from the light. With the sound of a distorted bass, I take a step back before the synth steps in. I would lie if I said that the stroboscopic lights allow me to focus on her but I don’t need to, I could recognize her and that shy smile of hers a mile away in the middle of a storm. Dancing in a club is substantially different to dancing for a competition or a show but the essence of a good dancer lays on their ability of conveying the feeling they seek through their moves and expressions, and I’m not trying to </span>
  <span>
    <em>Nayeon </em>
  </span>
  <span>this but I’m so damn good at it.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>The art of flirting is a lot like hunting, you’ll see. First of all, you must choose your prey — of course Dahyunnie makes the perfect one, my mouth waters only by smelling the sweet scent of her skin. Unlike it happens with animals, making eye contact is pretty important, so I spin her around easily so we are face to face. Dahyun widens her eyes, surprised of my sudden move, but my precise motions don’t let her totter. Then you approach your prey… but only enough so it doesn’t realize the menace hovering over it, so unaware that she giggles nervously when she feels my hands on her luscious hips and it is my body the one marking the pace. Then, the only thing left is to lure your prey right to your claws’ reach. Snaking my arms around her body, I draw a dangerous path around her most tender places — a strong grip right above her butt that dies on her waist when I separate to roll my body against her, a light scratch on my way up to her neck to pull her closer, a soft caress of the skin below her clavicles, tempting the line above her breasts when the music abruptly changes, messing with my dance. What a shitty DJ.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>If the music allowed me to hear anything else at all, I might have heard the girl calling my name or her breathe becoming heavy. However, I am able to see her face and to feel her warmth on my neck and that’s more than enough to know the unaware prey is cornered, unable to escape. Right in that moment, I set the last trap and pull away to dance on my own. I like to play with my food way too much, only because she falls for every single one of my tactics like right now when Dahyun’s arms wrap around my waist and her lips press on my naked shoulder.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Before you chastise me, I am not provoking Dahyun because I mean to do anything with her further from some savage making out in the car to let off some steem before going back home and get my lonely true release (I said I was going to be good for her and I plan to keep my word) but because I love to tease her. And because I can, and because it will pay back in the long run, when she’s ready and it’s time. Also because she’s praying under her breath and it is one of my guilty pleasures to play with the limits of her sanity.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">
  <span>A bump and our bubble of intimacy pops and disappears into nothingness. I’d kill the asshole if it wasn’t my sister. No, erase that, I’m pretty sure said sister is sliding down her hands way too low on her girlfriend’s back the way I explicitly told her not to. How much has her fierce determination lasted, a month? Probably less than that, judging by the way she’s nibbling on Mina’s earlobe. Oh my God, Chaeyoung! I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Well, that’s a lie — I don’t even give it a second thought, I smack the back of her neck. The happy couple separates in that moment, disoriented. It takes them a while to understand what’s happened between the deafening music, the blinking lights and the crowd but once they do Mina hides her face on her girlfriend’s chest unable to handle her embarrassment. Yeah, shame on you, Mitang, you should know better! Regarding Chaeyoung, she draws a particularly spiteful glare dedicated solely to me before taking her girlfriend away from me, blending in the sea of people. I can’t believe her. Them. I guess I had too much faith in Mina’s ability to control her. Really, she’s old enough to know how to behave.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">“<span>Eonnie,” Dahyun shouts in my ear so I’m able to hear her. Her grip on my hand is tight, is she mad at me for this? No, it’s not that. When I turn to look at my girl she tilts her head towards the bar. There’s so much people I can barely see anything at first, the lights and the music are giving me a headache and the alcohol doesn’t make staying on focus any easier. I’m not even sure if she wants us to go sit down and drink something or she’s trying to tell me anything and my reaction is so slow I feel glued to the ground. In my defense, she’s not moving either, and it is not until she openly points at a particular side of the club close by the zone where Michaeng has disappeared that I understand. Honestly, tonight I can’t catch a fucking breath.</span></p>
<p class="western">
  <span>A few meters from us, on the far end of the busy bar behind the sleeping drunkards, the working bartenders who keep dispensing drinks at a frantic pace and a few lame intents of flirtation, my friends are engaged in what seems a heated argument with a group of baboons. But not any baboon, that bleached bowl hair is unmistakable.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">“You have got to be kidding me,” I murmur, stopping at every word as I stride towards them, making room for the both of us between the dancing bodies in our ways. Although she opposes some resistance at first, most likely unsure of the outcome of the discussion, Dahyun lets me take her along. I don’t want her to stay alone in the middle of the dance club, my precious girl like candy for pervs.</p>
<p class="western">“Cut the bs.” Can I say that I had never seen Jihyo this angry <span>and it just makes her sexier? I still can’t believe there can be any girls left in this city that Park Jimin hasn’t irked. “Like this is the only club in Itaewon.”</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>A happy coincidence.” The worst part of it is that he has this infuriating ability to make it look like he’s the calm and mature one and the girls are just melodrama queens. Is that considered gas-lighting? If not it should be. Hopefully you could light up the gas and make him go boom.</span></p>
<p class="western">
  <span>At this point you know that I am not someone who likes to talk ill of others but it’s just not fair. This guy has destroyed Jeongyeon at so many levels that I doubt she will ever be one and functional again and I hate him for that. I hate him so much. She deserves so much more from life, you know? Jeongyeon… she’s crass and sometimes she nags, but she’s the most caring person you’ll ever meet. When she loves you, she’s totally invested in you and makes sure you’re comfortable and happy. She’s a bit like Momo but softer in some ways, plays hard to get but always allows herself to be hug and hugs you back, warmly. My eyes run the whole bar in our way there, looking for Nayeon but never finding her. That’s odd, she never strays far from Jeong and there’s nobody better than her to put this asshole in his place. And you know what makes this all more ridiculous? The volume of the argument to hear each other with the loud background music.</span>
</p>
<p class="western">“<span>Really, this wasn’t planned,” another baboon steps into the conversation. Since they are bothering my friends, I’ll allow myself to say that Taehyung might be handsome but he has a cartooney face and, honestly, he looks just as dumb as he sounds. That was too mean, erase that, he’s a good guy when he’s not shitfaced. “Was it?” That’s Jungkook’s cue to take his slurring friend away. They don’t help much but at least have the decency not to add fuel to the flames. </span></p>
<p class="western">“I believe we are adult enough to share the same space, aren’t we, Jeongyeon-ah?”</p>
<p class="western">“Bite me, asshole!” she spats and he snorts in response, quirking an eyebrow in amusement. Not a very eloquent answer but a 10/10 in expressing our shared feelings. “Don’t play it like we’re the childish ones.”</p>
<p class="western">“Play it?” He chuckles and brings his drink to his lips. In that moment, he spots me. What an ass, he can’t even pretend he’s not checking me from head to toe. This feeling is what makes it so distressing for me when I find a woman attractive. On the one hand, I know there’s nothing wrong with attraction and it is just normal to look. On the other hand, I hate the possibility to make women feel like this, exposed and attacked, uncomfortable. Nayeon says it’s a matter of discretion when you look but the guilt keeps <span>slapping me every time. I just don’t get why it doesn’t kick his gut as well</span>. “I’m not the one making a scene for bumping into you in a public place.”</p>
<p class="western">“Undesirable nº1.” A very intoxicated Seokjin pats Jimin’s back rather forcefully but with amused sentiment, almost like he’s cheering him up. “Sana-yah!”</p>
<p class="western">My chance.</p>
<p class="western">“Oppa!” I feel a pull on my sleeve but the chance is too good to ignore it. I don’t have a powerful voice, and as much as it infuriates me, it is rare the occasion when my presence has proven to command respect or instill fear to any fuckboys. However, I have my own abilities. “Have you come to see me?”</p>
<p class="western">“You owe me a dance, <span>I haven’t</span> forgotten.” He’s trying to be charming, I think. I’ve never understood the appeal of… Never mind.</p>
<p class="western">“Should I worry you knew I was here? Scary,” I rib him with a mischievous smile.</p>
<p class="western">“Nah, nah. Mark told me.” Jimin nudges him on the side. Busted! I’m so good. “Ouch! What?”</p>
<p class="western">Jeongyeon turns around, hands gripping at her long, wavy hair in obvious despair, hopefully wondering what on Earth attracted her so much about him to put herself through this again and again. Jihyo wraps her waist with an arm in a comforting and protective gesture as she confronts the guy one last time.</p>
<p class="western">“Go away, really.” Her voice is so powerful she doesn’t need to scream.</p>
<p class="western">“We were just starting the night.” He refuses to give up, doesn’t he? His eyes dart to me <span>again. No, he’s not looking at me this time, his focus resides far beyond me. Behind me. The glint in his eyes makes my skin tingle in a particular unpleasant way followed by weight that drops on my chest but far from suffocating it drowns my lungs until air oozes in the form of a snarl. Nobody hears it, though, thankfully.</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>We could finish it somewhere else, right?” Before I realize, Momo appears in front of us and cuts Jin’s advance, carefully but firmly placing her hand on his extended arm. Was that supposed to be a proposition towards me or was he going to grab me? Wait, when has Momoring arrived? There’s too much going on at the same time, let’s focus on what’s important here: poking out Jimin’s eyeballs if he keeps looking at my girlfriend like she’s covered in chocolate. </span></p>
<p class="western">“<span><em>You</em></span><span> can take your party somewhere else or </span><span><em>we</em></span><span> can call the bouncer, your choice.” I know Momo has had her cool </span><span><em>eonnie </em></span><span>moments with the younger ones before but I don’t think I’ve ever seen her behaving like this among friends.</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>Not cool, oppa.” My rejection is the final clue he needs to know where his place is: definitely not here.</span></p>
<p class="western">“Come on, guys, we want no trouble.” Maybe it is due to them being the most sober ones but Jungkook and Namjoon step up like peace-makers, both of them already charging passed out friends on their backs. It’s hard not to get sympathetic — almost every time we go out, the deadly trio get way too excited with the booze and let me tell you the only nice drunk among them is Jeongyeon. A hammered Jeongyeon is a giggly Jeongyeon, you’ll never see anything alike. Nayeon, on the other hand, becomes very thuggish, always asking for trouble and you’ll need at least three people to handle her. Jihyo is not much different, only louder than usual (even though you didn’t think it was possible).</p>
<p class="western">Anyway, the presence of the guys along with such sad rejection suffices to make the other two give up. Namjoon asks for Seokjin’s help to open the way to carry a slipping Suga across the crowd and Jungkook hurries Jimin to follow them. Still, the guy is persistent and takes his time to obey, falling behind to lean on my girlfriend’s ear on his way. Yes, you’re not hallucinating and neither am I — he reaches for Dahyun and brings his puffy lips close to her face and place his right hand on her hip to say in the mellowest and stickiest voice: “I’ll be dreaming about your thighs tonight.”</p>
<p class="western">My ears start beeping and I just see red, there’s no other way to describe it. My reaction is immediate and effective, I grab Jeongyeon’s beer and empty it on his head, fixing that stupid hair of his. The first reaction I register is Momo’s, her unmistakable <em>‘shit’</em> standing out among the sweet words of the song playing in the background — I don’t know if they’ve turned down the volume or <span>it is me</span> in this unnerving hyper aware state of mind. Dahyun releases my hand (painfully) to cover her mouth in shock. The only ones that seem to find it funny are JeongJi. Well, them and a wasted Taehyung; Jungkook’s only response is a slow face palm with his only free hand and Jimin… he just stays there, mouth agape, frozen in his spot and feeling the thick liquid run down his face and neck, becoming <span>viscous</span> as it dries in its way.</p>
<p class="western">“<span>Oops, I slipped.</span>” I can’t stop myself, I have things to say as well, many that I can’t utter so I use sarcasm dressed with the most charming tone I can produce.</p>
<p class="western">One thing I have to give the guy is that he knows when it’s over. Unlike others like Minho, to set a close example, he’s not a violent nor crass guy — he’s a talker, a manipulator but it is not in his character to physically enforce his will. <span>He has probably never needed it, his wits have always been enough and now it is telling him this discussion is over and it’s time to go before a real problem that benefits nobody spurs. And so, he wipes his face with his hands, fixes his hair back trying to preserve (and even recover) all the traces of dignity he can muster and ends up following his friend out of the club. </span></p>
<p class="western">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p>
<p class="western"><span>The party is over, at least for me. Such pathetic spectacle wasn’t the end of my distress, only the beginning of an anger I hadn’t felt in a while. Yeah, it originates in anger but it doesn’t root on aggression nor hate, it’s a frustration that unfolds into pure irritation and it leaks through my eyes, my mouth, my gesture, every juncture of my persona and I am simply unable to contain it behind the mask of adorable cheerfulness that I’m used to wear. Not that I’m doing a great job tonight, it seems, because Dahyunnie takes it upon herself to guide me to the VIP upper floor to calm me down. And yeah, by </span><span><em>VIP</em></span><span> I mean to say unoccupied</span> <span>and by </span><span><em>guide</em></span><span> that we sneak our way there since I don’t believe that’s available for the public until the reform is over. It might be the emotion of the night clouding my senses but I’m only moderately worried we’re going to step on a peeled cable or something and die of electrocution.</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>It’s not common to see you angry, Shasha,” Dahyun comments after a long while silently listening to the echoes of the music downstairs. She’s been patient, too patient with me even. I admit I’ve been feeling over the edge the whole night and this thing with Jeong and Jimin has only made it worse. “What’s got into you?”</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>I’m not.” Yet in some ways I am.</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>You seem pissed.”</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>That I am,” I admit and take a deep breath, lungs brimming with fresh air. Far from the crowd downstairs, it feels like getting rid of the effects of a poisonous mist. “Happens when an asshole makes such comments to your girlfriend.” </span></p>
<p class="western">
  <span>She seems to struggle with my answer, for some reason. She might be trying to discern if there’s any secret meanings behind my words but believe me when I say that I always try to be the most clear in serious matters. Is this one of those? I guess it is, not many people have been able to infuriate me like this. </span>
</p>
<p class="western">“<span>Eonnie, are you jealous?” she finally asks.</span></p>
<p class="western">
  <span>Jealous? Same core feeling (anger) but a different direction. Jealousy roots from the feeling of a threat, a romantic or sexual menace that could compete with you for the affections of a partner, or that’s my understanding of such a feeling. If I were to consider Park Jimin a threat, it wouldn’t be like that — I’m not reacting this way because I believe he could take Dahyun away from me or because she could choose him in body or mind over what I have to offer. In that case I would be devastated, of course, but if that’s what makes her happy I’d be the happiest for her in the end. I am legitimately worried he could tear Dahyun apart the same way he has broken Jeongyeon, that he could hurt her. Is that jealousy? </span>
</p>
<p class="western">“<span>No, baby, that’s just not me.” My arms wrap her waist to tenderly pull her with me as I lean on a table covered by a white sheet. </span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>So you won’t ask questions?” she murmurs almost with demure but her eyes talk a different story I can’t just decipher. I’m starting to wonder if I’ve done anything at all for her to think I would be that possessive. Sure I’ve been told I’m clingy before but not in that way, I don’t think, or at least I didn’t mean it to come out that way.</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>It’s just natural that people will take an interest in you, have you taken a look at yourself?” A pink hue soaks her cheeks, igniting its way to her cute and tiny ears. She snuggles closer and rests her chin on my shoulder — I lock her in a firm embrace. It is getting easier and easier to read her and I can’t help but wonder who’s merit is that: mine that I’m turning more perceptive or hers to be opening her heart and mind to me. “What irks me is that he dares to look and talk to you like that,” I huff as the bitter words leave my lips. “And with the purpose to provoke Jeongyeon-ah.” </span></p>
<p class="western">“Like what?” She is just so innocent, isn’t she? She’s the perfect pray after all, one that can’t even decipher the true nature behind the predator — how could you run when you can’t even identify the threat? Dahyun’s purity is both a blessing and a curse. Until this day I still don’t know in which category I fall.</p>
<p class="western">“Like you are just a thing.” This is not something easy to talk about with her. In some ways it feels like peeling off some of that soft and warm naivety of hers and I hate to do that, so I just whisper and tenderly play with her hair, putting a few strands aside to place a kiss on her shoulder, “a piece of meat or a dummy he can do whatever he pleases with.” Her body does stiffen, it’s so heartbreaking I need to hug her tighter both to comfort her and as a reflex to protect her. We are alone, isn’t that silly? But she’s not safe. “You’re a queen, he’d better have some respect.”</p>
<p class="western">“A queen?” Something in her voice sounds miserably like stranded sadness, like she’s tried to raise her spirits and in any other conversation she would have giggled and snorted at this but now she’s unable and I can’t handle it.</p>
<p class="western">Hands falling to her waist, I push a bit so we are face to face. I don’t know why I thought she wouldn’t look at me but she does, right in the eye, a strange mist clouding her gaze. Her stare is so intense I could laugh but it would be an anxious one — she makes my head light, my stomach tingle and my heart flutter. With a caress of her cheek she does this <em>Dahyun</em> thing of hers of nuzzling my hand. She’s so gorgeous.</p>
<p class="western">“Isn’t your name Queen Dahyun?”</p>
<p class="western">It was meant as a light comment, a compliment to unite all the things I love about her and also make her laugh, maybe, but Dahyun doesn’t laugh. She just looks at me in silence with the reflection of bewilderment, one that I know perfectly. I’ve seen it many times in the faces of many men and some women, I must say, but none of those resulted in the spur of exactly the same <span>trance before</span>. While my mind is floating away, mesmerized by two deep brown eyes, Dahyun takes the lead and puts her hand on my nape. She does waver at first but hesitation doesn’t last much before she pulls with determination and kisses my lips ever so tenderly. This is the most bold Dahyun has ever been and let me tell you that I absolutely love it. My giggle dies against her mouth right before I’m able to see her flustered face again.</p>
<p class="western">“You’re ridiculous,” she murmurs under her breath, <span>quite coyly all of the sudden.</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>Why?”</span></p>
<p class="western">“<span>From the both of us…” She makes a stop and shakes her head. Is she struggling to focus? Adorable. “What I mean is that you ar-.” No. I press my lips against hers again, drowning the words I won’t allow her to say. My hands slip down further her back and pat her bottom, softly.</span></p>
<p class="western">“I don’t want a compliment if <span>you’re </span>putting yourself down,” I whisper as my nose playfully bumps her. “Don’t compare us, everything you see and like here is for you to enjoy.” Silence. “You don’t believe me?”</p>
<p class="western">“It’s not that.” But somehow it is.</p>
<p class="western">Some people would say that I’m crazy. People like Nayeon or Jihyo, who evaluate relationships based on how much pleasure they obtain from it, and don’t get me wrong, that’s totally valid as well it’s just that my mind works differently. Of course pleasure is also important to me but I obtain it from seeing it in the other person. It’s not any sort of <em>altruist </em>demeanor or disposition although Nayeon would deem this as a rather pathological martyr syndrome. The truth is that I thrive in being desired, I need it. That is the excitement, the one that runs my spine as my hands drop to guide Dahyun’s through my body — my waist, hips, back… My breasts. The best of it all is not feeling it, which is good, it is the thrill in Dahyun’s eyes, her expression mixture of <span>excitation</span> and fright, the same you might feel when going up in a roller coaster knowing you’re about to reach the peak, seeing what awaits for you after that.</p>
<p class="western">“Do you like this?” The thing about roller coasters is that although you know it will be fast, bumpy and your innards may pay for it later, the high you get is worth the shot but only because you know those rails are safe and the iron bars won’t let you fall. You can just let go because you are protected. I aspire to be that for Dahyun.</p>
<p class="western">In reality, it is funny that I am talking about safety when wearing the tightest leathery dress I could find. The end goal was to make my boobs eye catching and, by Dahyun's look, that I've achieved. Hesitant at first, she awaits with her hands below my breasts, holding them like she doesn't know what to do, and maybe she doesn't. How to make her understand that right now it's not so much about doing something the right way but doing what you feel like doing? That's how you learn, by testing and discovering by yourself.</p>
<p class="western">My fingers trace the line of her jaw and the column of her neck eliciting no response from her. Her <span>reverie</span> peaks a few seconds later, when the spike of inspiration or courage finally hits and she leans to place a soft kiss on the birth of my left breast, right over my heart. I have to bite my tongue to stop myself, not to ask her to use her teeth. I have to clench my fists not to encourage her to keep going. What I can't do, however, not even though my mouth is free (yet) and my mind clear (more or less) is to ask her to stop when she has finally gathered the courage to start tasting. Her nose tenderly rubs against my skin, lips grazing in their way before placing yet another kiss, and another one, and even one more. I reach to put a few strands of silky blonde hair behind her ear and she looks up, eyes locking mine all of the sudden. What it is about Dahyun's gaze in this moment I don't know, but when she captures my lips and sucks on my lower one I can't help but respond in kind.</p>
<p class="western">Her mouth muffles my giggles but it can't stop the smile that curves my lips, one that seems to encourage her to aim for more, for my chin, my neck and to delight herself once <span>again</span> with the highlighted shapes of my chest. This might be just my mind overthinking things but there's something about her tonight, something different. Could we ascribe it entirely to the beer or this environment that on occasion makes a more intoxicating poison than alcohol? A spark of want, of knowing what she wants and that she wants to get it. A sense of confidence to do so.</p>
<p class="western">It surprises me greatly the moment the tenderness of her kisses opens to messy and searing wetness and her careful hands clutch on my hips. Never before something had pained me more than pronouncing the following words:</p>
<p class="western">"Dahyunnie, shhh, slow down." I accompany it with a giggle not to scare her, however, her eyes fill with shame when she looks up, ragged breath shaking her chest.</p>
<p class="western">"Am I doing something wrong or...?" My heart breaks. How can a human being be this adorable?</p>
<p class="western">"No, no, baby," I <span>hurry</span> to assure her and cup her face to press a kiss on her nose. "It's just..." I let out a sigh and caress her pale cheeks. Dahyun's skin is perfect, I swear. "I don't want our first time to be in a random and dirty club, y'know?"</p>
<p class="western">That gaze again in the middle of a blank face. The earnestness of it all puts me off, I Just can't understand what's going through her mind and it makes me antsy. Then, she speaks.</p>
<p class="western">"Eonnie," she says and presses her soft lips against mine once more in the same determined way she did before. Really, I don't know what to think anymore, "you are light." No, I'm not. And then she embraces me, snuggling in my arms seeking for the warmest feeling I am decided to provide. My mouth draws a sad but sincere smile, I will not disappoint her.</p>
<p class="western">Now I need a shower. A cold one, preferably.</p>
<p class="western"> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0025"><h2>25. What you don’t know is that devils used to be angels. Nayeon.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>IMPORTANT: due to my work, next chapter will be updated 3 weeks from now instead of 2 weeks. Bear with me, we're going through busy times. Thank you for your patience.</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">As much as it might surprise you, being bisexual there have been times when I’ve been <em>insufferably</em> boy crazy, although since not many guys around are buff enough for my taste, my behavior has never been affected beyond what I can control. Lately, I’ve been feeling the straight opposite, no pun intended — my eyes are mostly caught by women, my fantasies full with our tender but dangerous shapes and our soft skin. Nevertheless, men still find their way to make me a very mad girl.</p><p class="western">Four unwanted approaches on the dance floor avoided, five invitations to drinks rejected and unknown number of predatory stares towards my girlfriend blocked, the last drop to spill the rim-full cup of my patience has been an airhead dressed like an idol who has had the nerve to send her a suspicious drink and a piece of paper with his phone number. Tzuyu was going to crumble it and ignore the fizzy drink but sometimes I am a salty person, you know? So I take it upon myself to respond in kind by writing a very eloquent “no thanks” in the other side of the paper and send the drink back to its owner. For some reason, Tzuyu has <span>answered my gesture by rolling her eyes and sliding away. I have behaved! I could have written “fuck you, she’s taken” but I did not, did I?</span></p><p class="western">“<span>What have I done now?” I ask catching up with her outside of the club, when my ears finally stop beeping. Tzuyu pretends she hasn’t heard me and walks towards my car, turning the corner, at the other side of the road. “Tzuyu-yah!”</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>She only stops when she gets to the car and folds her arms, shivering slightly. The weather is not crispy but her dress is too thin for the night and she hasn’t taken her jacket inside the club.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>I’ve drunk too much, it’s not fun anymore,” she says, robotically. Danger. “Open.” This kid, always thinking she can order around and being rude to her elders. I do comply, however, only because I don’t want her to catch a cold, and I do follow her into the car because… because it is my car!</span></p><p class="western">We stay there, in a somewhat demure silence for a while. Quietness with Tzuyu had never been this tense, not even when she’s got mad at me for her usual stupid reasons, and on top of all, this time it’s Tzuyu who speaks first. I’m terrified.</p><p class="western">“Jealous you’re not the center of attention?” Okay, have I drunk so much I’m hallucinating or she’s actually said that? She must be fucking kidding me.</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu-ssi, it’s not fucking normal that you have to dance looking to the ground because the moment you raise your eyes some predator will catch your stare and think it’s a sign for them to come into you.” Tzuyu shrugs and stares to some infinite point in front of her, maybe nowhere in particular. Shit. “I’m not jealous, for what is worth.”</p><p class="western">“You’re just territorial, especially when you’re drunk,” she murmurs.</p><p class="western">“That’s not true.” If I was, I would have made sure a certain asshole had never approached another certain dumbass. But I did not, did I? I just endured it, <span>calmly rationalized it and never acted like a jerk in front of them despite my feelings. Arguing about this when she’s clearly made up her mind is not worth it, plus I don’t think I’d be able to make the best arguments right now, at least without stumbling on my words. “Never mind,” I sigh and put my hand on the gearstick as the lights die down. “A ride home?” No, I shouldn’t, I’ve drank. What am I even thinking? She should be the one at the wheel, she’s our designated driver, but something inside of me just wants to go away and… hey! If she wanted to leave, why didn’t she take the driving seat first? Maybe she thought we should at least wait for Mina and Chae. Having a girlfriend is meant to be fun and sexy, what the Hell is this? I don’t like this feeling, it’s not even like the unbearable anguish that embeds my love for Jeongyeon but an unshakable suffocation that hardly ever gives me a break. Okay, there might be times of joy as well and part of me knows it, but the intoxication makes me see everything in sepia tones and gray shades. It could be worse, I’ve been told you’d need at least three people to handle me when I’m fully drunk.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>I don’t want to go home.”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>What then?” I puff my chest to take a deep breathe and find myself stuck, locked by her lips. Tzuyu-ssi? When I open my eyes I find her looking at me, eyelids heavy and a slight but mischievous smile curving the edge of her lips. A heartbeat later, she’s kissing me again.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>Little devil. She thinks she can do whatever she wants and I will just comply, she thinks she has the upper hand in here. Well, she’s wrong.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>"No, no, don't get so kissy now." I try to dodge her lips but she’s long like a giraffe and she reaches for my lips rather effortlessly, trying to shut me up. "You are a brat," another kiss. I give up trying to refuse her lips. Also, they’re so soft and puffy, and her lip gloss tastes like peaches, "and never have a kind word to me," another one, this time she sucks slightly on my lower lip before separating to observe my reaction, "not even when I'm doing everything in my power to protect you from fucking," she doesn’t seem to accept her miserable defeat, "perverts."<br/>
"Oh, how heroic and selfless of you." Again that robotic and nonchalant tone of hers. If she means to have fun with me tonight, she’s not going the right way at all. I’m not sure if she thinks she’s that irresistible or if she believes me to have such low self-esteem to allow her to get away with this.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>"Say something nice," I demand, pushing her slightly away from me. Tzuyu just quirks an eyebrow and stares deeply into my eyes before responding:</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>"Polio has finally been erased from Africa." She thinks she’s so witty, doesn’t she?</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>"Fuck you." Two words that come directly from my soul. Of course her response is to act like a baby and pout. Yes, she pouts, you’ll be surprised since she’s a cold looking bitch but Tzuyu can truly behave like a child, showing those puffy cheeks of hers that I like to try to bite so much to bother her. A drop. My heart is melting with that quivering lip. I hate her when she’s cute. No, no, I won’t surrender, I’ll show her who’s in charge in here. "Tell me I'm pretty," I demand yet again more directly. “Tell me I’m so pretty you can only think of kissing me.” Tzuyu rolls her eyes and rests her back on her seat.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>"What's the worth in stating the obvious?" she mumbles in an unusual whiny tone and looks away. I’d eat those baby cheeks of hers, I swear. Ah, damn kid!</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>"Was that a backhanded compliment, Tzuyu-ssi?" I poke on her side to rib her.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>If you're happier that way…" Just as fast, she’s back to her ruthless self. Tzuyu keeps thinking she can out-wit me but there’s no one sharper than me, let me tell you. Like a fucking blade.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>"You are looking more like a functional human being every day, careful.” A click to fasten my seat belt, another one to turn up the radio so the silence doesn’t become unbearable. “I'm taking you home."</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>"No, eonnie!" Damn her and how adorable she can be when she wants. No, I won’t even look at her, she won’t win me over like this tonight — if she wants me, she’ll have to be kind. So kind that she slowly draws a path with my tongue on my neck towards my ear and starts nibbling on my very sensitive lobe. Fuck. That is another side of Tzuyu you might not have imagines. Honestly, I didn’t know it either until very recently, and by the way it makes me gulp, she’s learned I do enjoy it a bit too much. This girl is too quick on the uptake for my sanity.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>"Don't think you're getting away with this with your puppy biting."</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>You sure about that?” As you might imagine, Tzuyu’s not a person to show much emotion, however, when she does it is revealing. Her giggle is the most mischievous sound I have ever heard, it makes my skin crawl and something in my lower belly tingle annoyingly.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Ugh, you’re spoiled!” Only for this time, I allow this feeling to take over and pull her closer by the back of her nape, crashing our lips together, trying with little success to make that irritating smile disappear from her lips.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>If there’s something I’ve learned from Tzuyu in the last few weeks is that she’s a box of surprises — dangerously close to Pandora’s, in truth, and once you open it, what awaits for you is a tremendous force determined to subdue you. Or me, in this case, by pressing me against my seat using her green giant body for such a thing. As if. Of course I state my dominance by taking over the rhythm of the kiss and, believe it or not, the first thing she thinks of to gain back control is to straddle me. Inside my tiny car, a bean pole like her. Yes, it is as funny and uncomfortable as it sounds — uncomfortable for her, anyway, I just put my seat back to try and accommodate her the best I can because I’m this polite. Also, because it is extremely amusing to see her sweating like this on top of me, contorting her body to fit the space between mine, the wheel and the roof of the car. She has still a long way to learn in front of her.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>The lights turn on with the rustling and she has to turn them off again. I can hear her grunting once she’s found a more or less comfortable position and right before she resumes her feasting on my mouth. Her eager lips pull from mine, curious tongue tasting and exploring different ways of responding to mine. For some reason, it’s like Tzuyu and I spoke the same language, the way we fit each other during intimate moments is like we are two pieces of a puzzle. It’s been a pleasant surprise because the first thing you expect from someone who has never experience their sexuality is to be shier and clumsy — nobody’s born knowing how to interact with other people at that level, much less knowing how to please a person in particular — but far from that, Tzuyu knows what she wants and finds the means to do it and get it even if it’s too much for her innocent brain to just ask with words. It’s probably her keen curiosity, something that I love about her, especially in this moment when that curiosity is manifesting in willing fingers caressing my shoulder lower… and lower. What can I say? If she wants to play like that I won’t shy off from exploring under her dre-</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Not on my watch!” The knocking on the car’s windows make my heart stop so suddenly my chest hurts for real. “Hey, you two!” Shit.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>What the hell?” Tzuyu’s frown furrows deeply looking at Sana’s angry face through the glass. Shit. Shit. Fuck. Okay, okay, I need to- Sana opens the driver’s seat door so suddenly Tzuyu almost falls face first. I can’t even move fast enough to grab her, I’m frozen. It is Dahyun the one to help her friend out of he car while I just stay there. All I see is Sana but when it hits me all I can truly think off is that I need to check if someone has seen us because the lights of the car are on again and while there’s not much people around Sana’s being loud for sure. Fuck.</span></p><p class="western">“You’re not corrupting our maknae in the back of your car,” Sana murmurs behind gritted teeth, trying to control her tone. “Get out of there now!”</p><p class="western">“Sana,” her girlfriend tries to intercede, to no avail.</p><p class="western">“No, no.” If you think I’m off the hook until Dahyun finishes reasoning with her you’re sorely wrong. Not more sore than me when she obliterates me with her next glare, however. “Are you crazy?! What if someone else had seen you?!”</p><p class="western">“T<span>one it down, someone might hear you</span>…” I need some air. I need to breathe. The car is suddenly so fucking small.</p><p class="western">“Yeah, yeah, we’ll talk later,” she warns me, stepping aside to make room for me in the sidewalk. “You’re the oldest, really, I expected much more from you.”</p><p class="western">“Hey, it’s not such a big deal.” Normally, when people scold me, Tzuyu is with the other side. How rare but wonderful to have her stepping up for me, it makes my belly tingle with warmth.</p><p class="western">“You haven’t drunk, have you?” I would have asked the same, honeslty.</p><p class="western">“No, of course I have n-“</p><p class="western">“Then please take Dahyun home.” Oh, shit.</p><p class="western">“Eonnie…“</p><p class="western">“I’m being serious, Dahyun, please. We’ll talk later.” I had never been Sana like this, everyone is going to get some and not in a good way.</p><p class="western">Too flabbergasted and a bit too tipsy to be totally aware of my surroundings, I cannot understand the meaning of Tzuyu’s stare when she locks my eyes before Dahyun guides her towards her car. Wait, I thought Michaeng depended on that ride as well. I haven’t been around in the whole night but JeongMoJi aren’t likely to be in a good fit to-</p><p class="western">“Have you lost your mind?!” My heart skips a beat. This girl is going to give me an arrhythmia, I swear.</p><p class="western">“Sana…”</p><p class="western">“In your car, really?” She hits my arm with her purse once. “In front of everyone.” Twice. “That’s how you thought was ‘<em>the time</em>’.”</p><p class="western">“No, I…” Thrice. “Stop it!”</p><p class="western">“Anyone could have caught you just like I did, what would have happened then?!” I can’t even argue with her, she’s right. “With Tzuyu, have you even stopped to think about that?!” No, the problem is that I haven’t though. Recently I’m not doing it all that much. “What’s wrong with you?!” I don’t know, I don’t really know.</p><p class="western">“I don’t know! I lost control, I… Fuck…” Running my hands through my hair doesn’t make my mind any clearer this time. I’m outdoors and yet it seems like I cannot breathe. People are staring, they will know. They know. Shit, no, they can’t know.</p><p class="western">I can hear my heart pounding in my ears.</p><p class="western">“Take a hold of yourself, you’re an adult.” Sana releases a deep sigh and looks at me for briefs seconds before shifting her way and putting her long mane up in a ponytail. She’s sweating, that much I can tell by the droplets sliding into her unusual full and tight looking rack. Hey, is that the faint trace of a hickey? “Stay here, I’m gonna make sure the others haven’t started a rumble with anyone yet.”</p><p class="western">“Wh… what?” I’m not even sure of what to do, how to move. It’s ridiculous how much I need to hide in my bed under my thick blankets right now. That or a hug. Maybe I could still catch up with Tzu, she’s been acting unlike herself, maybe she’d be willing to hug me. Why should I obey Sana anyway? Oh, because… yeah. No, no, I’ll talk to her tomorrow.</p><p class="western">“Stay.” She talks to me like I’m a dog only to snatch <em>my</em> car keys from my hand right after and turning around.</p><p class="western">This must be the most pathetic night of my existence after that time Jeongyeon bailed on me to be with Jimin when I had bought tickets to the Day6 concert.</p><p class="western"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">***</p><p class="western"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">Hangovers are the worst. The teetering and tottering of going downstairs is making me sick at my stomach. I’m growing old, I swear I used to stand alcohol much better before. I barely drank last night! At least it was enough to be so drowsy my tongue couldn’t even slip when they started arguing about the douchey group of douche canoes they bumped into last night. You know? I’m glad I wasn’t there, even if that means they had to deal with them alone — tonight wasn’t my night and knowing me I could have chosen that moment as the perfect one to blow his wig. Or I might have chickened out as always and let Jihyo do all the work. Even Sana was more ballsy, she emptied a full drink on his stupid hair and I missed it. Shit, I hate myself — I shouldn’t care about that guy anymore.</p><p class="western">This is just me getting philosophical in my way to retrieve my mail during a hangover so bear with me but happiness is such a tricky concept. By no means I’m saying I haven’t felt it in my life, I know very well I have and, sadly, those moments have mostly been shared with Jeongyeon. But that is it, isn’t it? I cannot think of a moment of true pure and explosive joy off the top of my head that hasn’t involved her, and so it is only natural my reticence sometimes to pursue this feeling again. I have associated <span>joy</span> so many times to the deep disappointment that has followed my previous experiences that now I do hesitate. Or I used to.</p><p class="western">All my rules and measures, my schedules, wariness and caution in my relationships is what has kept me standing, the scaffold that keeps the fragments of my broken person together. Jeongyeon didn’t break me — or at least she wasn’t the person that cracked me the most. It’s been just… everyone and everything, everywhere I look, every conversation I’ve ever overheard, they turned into fear after fear, adding to an anxiety that I’ve tried with sweat, blood and tears to keep contained. That was the everlasting pressure, the tick behind my ear that kept my feet on the ground aware of reality but now I’ve started to make mistakes, huge ones. I’ve been broken for as long as I can remember <span>yet</span> when Tzuyu appears, even when we share the smallest moments together, she clouds my senses and everything becomes a blur, like nothing else exists. But that it doesn’t seem to exist doesn’t mean that it doesn’t matter, and when the bubble pops (because it always does), I am welcome again into this crude reality and I can’t help but wonder if it’s not wrong or negligent of me to continue this path.</p><p class="western">Sometimes I just wonder if happiness is worth the shot after all, and then a warmth presses against my back so casually and two arms side me to unnecessarily grab my mail as she examines it over my shoulder.</p><p class="western">“You really need to stop buying stuff on Amazon.” Her first words startle me but I end up giving in a bit and leaning against her body.</p><p class="western">“Are you that interested in my mail or you wanted to hug me from behind too badly <span>but</span> cringed at yourself for it?” No answer, only her chin resting on my shoulder. I know her too well for her own good.</p><p class="western">It’s only a minute or two until the steps in the stair startle us and we separate but while it lasts, it feels like that — happiness. Tzuyu follows me to my room and she never does that. She’s hardly ever the first one to show any interest in sharing her space with me but this morning she could even be defined as <em>clingy. </em>Let me tell you that I love it but I’m also frightened of the way my body reacts when the door clicks closed and she hugs me from behind again, this time not pretending but honestly showing her intention to keep me close. The warmth of her breathe against my ear makes my eyelids heavy and my knees tremble.</p><p class="western">“Did Sana-eonnie torture you last night?” She’s genuinely worried about me, that’s why she’s acting like this. Ah, damn, she’s the cutest, isn’t she? I open my mouth to answer but sudden <span>paused</span> kisses on my shoulder make me choke on my words.</p><p class="western">“How protective when someone else tells me off,” I manage to make my voice sounds disaffected but my gulp gives me away. A smile draws in Tzuyu’s lips, I can feel it against my skin before she nips on my neck. Her hands fall to my hips, finding the hem of my shirt and sliding a couple of fingers under the fabric to tease and awake my skin as she pulls from me towards the edge of my bed. “Tzuyu-yah,” I murmur when she sits me on her lap. She hums while putting all my hair on one shoulder and her lips start <span>grazing</span> the back of my neck. A tingling sensation starts on my lower belly and gradually starts climbing towards my chest. Dammit. “Tzu, Sana was right.” Her teeth sink in my shoulder. Ouch, rude!</p><p class="western">“Don’t,” she says as her hands start caressing my belly. This kid, really. She forces me to tenderly grab her hands and put them in a safe place, entwining my fingers with hers. “I don’t want to hear a word,” she sighs, resting her forehead on my shoulder.</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu-ssi, you’re so young…” She grunts and releases my hands, leaning back to put as much distance between us as she can manage. The sudden loss of her warmth feels freezing.</p><p class="western">“Don’t give me that bullshit now, I’m exactly the same age as Chae.”</p><p class="western">“What I mean is that… Ah, holy- ugh!” I hide my face behind my hands, unable to bare <span>the feeling of walls building between us again.</span> “I’m gonna go this way, aren’t I?” I murmur to myself, loud enough to earn a skeptical look from Tzu, it seems. I can feel a pink-haired whory worm destroying my brain tissue as words start filling my throat to the brim. And then they spill: “Experience-wise, we are not at the same level and I need to be the responsible one here and allow you to go through all the steps needed before getting somewhere you can be affected by in a way, where you are in a situation you may regret at some point.” Now I’ve said it and I’m out of breath. Whatever, done with, finito. Of course Tzuyu only stares at me blankly. She looks more bored than anything and I can’t blame her, only hearing me saying that has made me reconsider my life choices.</p><p class="western">Suddenly, Tzuyu runs a hand through her gorgeous dark mane and breathes heavily, brow furrowed like she’s thinking too hard. That’s a first, Tzuyu’s mind has never looked so overworked.</p><p class="western">“Ok, ok, let me see if I’ve caught your drift.” I’m not sure if she’s truly trying to understand my words or if she’s just thinking on the best way to mock me. “You’re afraid if I have sex with you, I’ll fall so in love I won’t be able to step back if something was too much for me?” Oh, she’s got it! I nod enthusiastically although I don’t give her a tiny applause under the fear she’ll take it as an insult. Honestly, I thought it would be the second option, I never expected she took me seriously on this. I wouldn’t, I can tell that far. “Wow, I knew you were narcissistic but from there to believe you have a<span>nything that special between your legs</span>… that’s rich even for you.” Ah, here it is. She’s such a brat.</p><p class="western">“Tell me th<span>at again </span>when you get a taste,” I giggle and wink to her, making her cheeks and chest light up in searing red. Someday she’ll learn she can’t compete with me on this — or hopefully she won’t, I love to see her flushed and heated when I disarm her. Tzuyu is all talk and barking but in reality she is a cinnamon roll and, in all honesty, I don’t believe she even knows where she wants to get with all that touching and kissing.</p><p class="western">“You make no sense at all!” This is my Tzu, shouting and whining like a child, my angry little puppy. She just blushes harder. “Stop looking at me like that!” Any other person would hide their face demurely to stop me from watching her this fondly but not Tzuyu — she face palms me and almost makes me fall from her lap to the ground. I am crazy enough to start finding her lack of manners more and more adorable.</p><p class="western">“Sorry, that was too much,” I release a guffaw and take her hand away, kissing it before lying next to her on my bed. Tzuyu folds her arms and tries to oppose some resistance when I hug her but in the end she relaxes into my touch and even turns to the side towards me, noses softly grazing against the other and legs casually tangling. “Let’s go slow, yes?” I put a strand of raven hair behind her ear and caress her cheek. You have to enjoy these few moments of tenderness that Tzuyu allows, they are so rare. That’s what makes them so special, I guess. “There’s so much more you haven’t seen yet about me, about all of this… and it’s not pretty.” Now I’m starting to sound like Sana again. I suppose it’s just fair, to let her know she has a choice. She always has a choice. “You need to know it all before making a decision.”</p><p class="western">“Worried you’ll get your icy heart broken if we go on for a while and then I regret it?” Even in her whispers I can hear the hint of sarcasm. She doesn’t believe that’s an actual possibility. “Will you be brain sucked by my vagina, then?”</p><p class="western">“I think…” I waver. Even now I hesitate before being this honest with her — it’s the closest I’ve been to fully opening my heart to anyone and I’m not used to be this candid. The main actress in the play of her perfect life letting her mask fall, the peak of the show. How dramatic of me when I preached I wanted to avoid all drama. “… I’m walking this path faster than it would be wise. If that time arrives, I just hope to be able to spare yours.”</p><p class="western">Tzuyu doesn’t respond immediately. Instead, she curls up in a gigantic ball and presses her face against my chest to finally mumble against my skin: “You’re stupid, eonnie.” It does make me cackle and kiss her head, and everything would have ended in a light note like that one if she hadn’t kept talking. “You know, you don’t have to make up excuses.” I don’t understand her at first but then she adds: “I’ll wait until you stop thinking about her.”</p><p class="western">My heart drops so far away I don’t think I’ll ever be able to find it a<span>gain</span>. My head feels heavy, my skin itchy in the most irritating way and the room becomes suffocating out of the blue. I should have imagined that Tzuyu, as the intelligent girl she is, would have imagined something by now, I just hoped she hadn’t.</p><p class="western">“This is not about <em>her,</em>” I defend myself when I recover my ability to speak.</p><p class="western">“Okay.”</p><p class="western">“This has never been about <em>her.</em>”</p><p class="western">“Okay.” But she doesn’t believe me.</p><p class="western">I slide down to face her, my legs falling from the bed to fit her knees against my belly. This might sound stupid but they suddenly feel like a barrier between us more than the sweet way our bodies fit.</p><p class="western">“Tzu, look at me.” Her face rises at my touch and her eyes fall lazily on mine. I open my mouth to speak again but she’s faster.</p><p class="western">“I didn’t use to understand but now I do.” Whatever she means. “Everything makes more sense.”</p><p class="western">“Still waiting for the punchline,” I whisper and the edges of her lips curve in a tender yet somehow sad smile.</p><p class="western">“There’s not one.”</p><p class="western">“Well, that’s a first.” Tzuyu rolls her eyes but she loves when I use humor to lighten up the atmosphere when it becomes this heavy. “I swear it’s never been about her when I’m with you.”</p><p class="western">“I… believe that you want to think that way.”</p><p class="western">“Don’t be so patronizing, you child.” And I try to bite her nose, an attack she dodges by turning half of her body away from me. In any other circumstance, I would prove it to her with actions but not this time — I have a promise to fulfill. Alright, I’ll be good but if this ends up my relationship with Tzuyu, I swear I’ll kill SaChaeng. “<span>I need you to trust me this time.</span>” I was almost expecting a snort or a snarky comment but she doesn’t say another word.</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0026"><h2>26. In which if you call it a flame it will burn. Chaeyoung.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">Dancing has become one of my passions. It doesn’t… well, it does have a little to do with the fact that it’s a time I share with Momo and my penguin but besides. It feels a bit like that moment when inspiration hits you and you physically need to paint, you know what I mean? The excitement, the freedom. Sometimes I even get home and instead of resting like I should I need to draw or paint and it’s marvelous.</p><p class="western"><span>Yesterday</span> was not one of those nights, however — not because I didn’t feel terribly inspired, far from that every inch of my <span>soul</span> was aching to grab a pencil or a paintbrush last night, but because in my silly high I decided to take Mina home only to find ourselves mindlessly making out in her couch, no matter our sweaty clothes, the teapot whistling in the kitchen or the fact that I had early classes today in the morning. Well, the teapot was important, we didn’t want an accident to happen for the sake of our passion, I’m not that reckless, and while Mina waddled to the kitchen to save us from a likely explosion, I was left lying on my not at all dry back, chest heaving with every pant.</p><p class="western">Stating and respecting some very basic limits has proven to be a tad more difficult than I initially thought.Temptation is just as sweet as Mina’s lips, <span>like</span> marshmallows with honey and even more sticky, and every time I put mine on hers this feeling starts burning me deep inside, every vein, every trace of tissue from my belly to my brain making a particularly painful stop on my chest. One of these days my heart is going to <span>im</span>plode and I’ll happily allow it, I’ll let it go off and kill me but I’m not losing this fight — this is something I’m doing for my Minari. That is the thought that keeps me going, you know? The one that when she came back made me insist on taking individual showers, rejecting the most convincing insinuations and proposals to share a very naked one with Mina not even for the sake of saving water. To soap her up... I don’t think you realize the willpower you need to do this, guys — Mina’s a cute penguin but also a dangerous siren. Her voice, small but determined while asking with that tint of mischief that automatically makes me moisten my lips by instinct, <span>a</span> gaze that makes me shudder going through me and back, searing every inch of its path. I’m still in awe at myself for <span>being able to resist spending the night with her</span>. This is a situation that is repeating quite a bit lately and I keep not learning in the slightest how not to get to this point. You see, I’m short on excuses and there’s only a number of times a month you can use your period as an <span>alibi</span> without being encouraged to go see a Gynecologist. Also, the fact that I could be on my period doesn’t mean that we cannot do… stuff and maybe I am relying too much on the fact that Mina has only dated guys not to come off as a selfish lover.</p><p class="western">“If you don’t do her soon, she’ll be done with you, just saying.” No one better than Nayeon-eonnie to make you feel much better about your forced chastity.</p><p class="western">“That’s not true!”</p><p class="western">Actually, I believe Mina thinks I’m feeling insecure rather than concerned by her well-being. In fact, this overall situation and all my stupid make up excuses have served so she shares her own insecurities with me. How funny it is that she feels threatened by the fact I’ve been with Nayeon before? Like she has to live up to any expectations or anything. No, not funny, that was bad wording — ridiculous, yes. Don’t get me wrong, Nayeon is a great lover but one thing has nothing to do with the other. The only thought of being with Mina makes every nerve ending in my body wake up and a very pressing and uncomfortable heat light up in my belly.</p><p class="western">“There’s only so many times a girl can be rejected <span>without proper explanation</span>, dumbass.” Nayeon chuckles and flickers my forehead. Ouch! “At least until she starts believing she is the problem and your stupid games begin to take a toll on her self-esteem, do you want that?” Because I didn’t feel shitty enough already, thanks, eonnie.</p><p class="western">“This better not be your way of telling me you’ve broken the promise.” I know for a fact that <em>others</em> have been struggling more with this than me. I wasn’t surprised to learn about Nayeon but when the other night I got home only to find my best friend playing tongue MMA with my sister in my doorstep where ANYBODY could have seen them, I admit I was close to shit my pants. What’s more: it was Dahyun the one that made me want to <span>bleach</span> my eyes <em>and </em>my ears with her out loud wish of having <span>enough </span>money to go to a love motel with<em> my sister. </em>Honestly, I had an inkling she was a horny asshole but that and actually witnessing it <span>are pretty different things</span>. She was right about something, however: Sana must be the devil incarnated. Don’t ask, it’s better for you and especially for me. “Why is everybody looking at us?”</p><p class="western">I’m not kidding nor changing topics, walking down the hallway towards the all of the Arts building everyone looks our way and start whispering. I’ve been told (many times) that I am rather oblivious so imagine the lack of subtlety for me to notice this. Weird.</p><p class="western">“They normally look at me, it’s not unusual.” I wish she was being just narcissistic in a very Nayeon way but she has a point. <em>“</em>Tzuyu-yah!” That squeal has been too much. “Is everything ok?”</p><p class="western">When I finish rolling my eyes I realize something is amiss. There’s an added glimpse of seriousness, almost irritation, to Tzuyu’s usual deadpan. A light frown of her brow and a certain celerity in her steps as she’s followed by no other than Minari. She looks ravishing with her purple long shirt — panicked but ravishing.</p><p class="western">“Girls, I’m so sorry…” Her whimper makes me notice them, the tears gathering in her eyes about to spill.</p><p class="western">“Minari?” I receive her in my arms and put her hair behind her shoulder. “What’s wrong?”</p><p class="western">“He didn’t mean to say a word, it just slipped.”</p><p class="western">“What are you tal-?”</p><p class="western">“Shit, let’s go.” Tzuyu has already moved to start striding away when she tries to grab Nayeon’s hand to take her along but Nayeon won’t just move. She’s frozen in her spot watching something in the far end of the hallway with <span>horror </span>melting her countenance into this gut wrenching expression of anxious <span>fright</span>. Minho’s advancing towards us, surrounded by his friends. He’s just looking at the ground he steps in with a deep frown, hands in his pockets as they all march in utter silence. When he rises his stare and sees us, a twitch of anger turns his lips into a thin line.</p><p class="western">They pass by, his shoulder brushing Nayeon’s but not in a violent way. I was worried he would spur some drama but he doesn’t say a word. He does stop a few steps from us, however. His friends turn to make sure if he’s doing alright when they realize and I’m unable to see his face but he seems to have given all of this a second thought. Then he turns on his heels and comes back. Well, we’re doomed. I’m about to stop him when Tzuyu steps up — that’s all she gets to do, taking a step forward before Nayeon raises her hand and she <span>stops dead in her track</span>. I don’t think Minho realizes the amount of hands around him ready to strangle him if he dares to… well, do his thing again. No, he definitely doesn’t, because he even dares to lean on to her, eyes scattering the hallway as of to count the number of witnessing stares as he murmurs something that sounds like:</p><p class="western">“<span>Be happy, Nayeon-ah. You’re famous, just what you wanted.” What is he even talking about? Nayeon doesn’t understand either, or she doesn’t seem like she does. “Have fun with your little friend here.” He turns and glares at me. At me! Oh, no. When I move my face, Mina’s looking at me, lower bit worried, face the pure reflection of pain. Oh, shit.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>What?” Nayeon moves, visibly uncomfortable by his proximity and manners but that only draws back his attention. “Really, I don’t know what the gossip is but it’s fake.”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>No, no, it makes a lot more sense now, you know?” HOW? Like he had ever sensed any little, minuscule trace of public affection from Nayeon towards me. If he has, he needs to show me because not even I have ever seen such a thing and I would like to know. “That she seemed to hate me for no reason.” Oh, yeah, that’s fair. Although after months of observing his demeanor towards Nayeon ‘</span><span><em>no reason’</em></span><span> is reaching a bit too far.</span><span> “You two were having your own fun behind my back. I knew you were a bit of a floozy but this…” He didn’t jus-</span></p><p class="western">“<span>You hold your tongue!” Tzuyu speaks up, louder and with more palpable sentiment than I’ve probably ever heard her. It’s almost refreshing seeing her uncharacteristically stepping up for Nayeon, almost cute even though this is quite a wrong context to address it that way but still, she does care. Maybe it is because Tzuyu’s usual rigidity or disaffected behavior but while I knew she was feeling things for Nayeon, otherwise she wouldn’t touch her with a stick, it still felt like she wasn’t? I’m explaining myself horribly. Never mind. She does try to defend her girlfriend and yet they just ignore her.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Come on, Minho.” What she does next makes me want to hit my head against the wall, I swear. Nayeon has done some questionable and often disgusting things for the sake of adamantly reinforce the doors of her closet (like Minho, for example) but as I see her putting a hand on his chest and get closer to him in a rather intimate way, I must admit it: she’s outdone herself. Sadly, I’m not saying that in a good way. The words that come next don’t make it any better: “Do you think that </span><span><em>I</em></span><span> from all people would be like that?” He seems to waver for a moment but then he shakes his head and puts her hand away.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>You are disgusting,” he says, curtly, and before he leaves he even dares to add: “Don’t come crying when you regret it.” </span></p><p class="western">
  <span>Look, I get it, I do — not everyone is ready to come out and they should do whatever they consider is right for them, especially in an environment like this but come on! Everyone is looking, the fact that they cannot really see doesn’t mean that their presence is any less noticed or felt, and trying to persuade him like that in front of Tzuyu and such a crowd… It doesn’t surprise me when I feel her slowly drifting away from Nayeon, from us, separating as if she doesn’t want to be touched or talked to but feels compelled to stay.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>Nayeon turns towards us. No, Nayeon and that vein on her forehead that by now is big enough to be considered a whole entity, pumping with every fast beat of her heart as she awaits for an explanation I just cannot give. Although I have to say even if I knew what’s going on, her expression would leave me speechless. Whatever it is, I had never seen this rabid fog in the girl’s eyes before — it’s dark purple, ices up my blood.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Well?” </span></p><p class="western">
  <span>To mi surprise, it is Mina the first one to respond to Nayeon’s rage. She takes a deep breath and tilts her head so we start walking, there are too many ears around.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Sehun told a friend he had seen you two kissing at the lake by accident.” Shit. “You know how this kind of gossip…”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>How does someone </span><span><em>accidentally</em></span><span> sa-?!” Not that I care about being outed at this point but… she does have a point. “You know what?” Nayeon makes a pause to breathe, like she needs a moment to try to regain control over herself. Her lips draw a thin line and her jaw tenses, and far from speaking up in a calmer manner she just starts walking, fast and with the rest of us following her trail. “I’ll take care of him later now the priority is damage control,” she mumbles as she turns the corner. Where is she going? Where are we going? The only one to follow her pace rather easily is Tzuyu with those long legs of hers. She hasn’t said a word.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>What are you gonna do?” I ask when I realize she’s leading us towards the theatre. </span></p><p class="western">“<span>Whatever it takes.”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Could always fuck him in the middle of the cafeteria, you seemed eager.” For the first line Tzuyu has said in a while, it has not been what I expected at all. Maybe I was hoping for some reassuring words, something that would, you know, help her girlfriend relax instead of spurring a...</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Tzu, this is serious, for fuck’s sake,”… fight.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>You think I’m kidding?” Her voice sounds so metallic it almost screeches. “Sounds like something you would do.” And just like that, she gets ahead of all of us and it is Tzuyu the one to be followed. I can’t follow her giant steps, if she doesn’t slow down I’m quitting.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Not the moment to be jealous.”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>You wish I was jealous,” Tzuyu spits back, only stopping to open the door of the theatre door, “I’m just tired of you doing </span><span><em>whatever it takes</em></span><span> regardless what I think.”</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>I tend to forget Momo is also collaborating in the play they’re rehearsing and find myself almost alleviated because of her presence. At least I know those two haven’t been doing nasty stuff where everyone could catch them, they’re getting more and more unpredictable day by day, I swear. But no, they were just practicing some dance of the musical when we make out noisy entrance, disturbing their work. If the situation wasn’t so critical, I would feel sorry to bother them. That been said, does anyone else participate in this play? I swear I’ve only seem my friends practicing. Well, them, Yves and Ryujin, to be fair.</span>
</p><p class="western">“And what do you expect me to do, become the first bisexual award-winning actress of South Korea?” That would be nice, to be honest. Representation is key and someone must take the first step.Nayeon grabs my friend’s hand, as if that would make a calming effect or at the very least induce her to slow down and think it over. There’s so much she still needs to know about Tzuyu. Really, she’s pathologically stubborn.</p><p class="western">“Why not?” Not that I’ve talked about this with Tzuyu at all but part of me is glad we see eye to eye on this.</p><p class="western">“Because that’s not how this world works, Tzuyu. People our generation still can’t wrap their minds about people like us being normal and nobody is gonna change old people’s mentality.”</p><p class="western">After that, I feel compelled to intervene:</p><p class="western">“You might.” Which only earns me a glare and all the fury of Im Nayeon to shift and be directed towards our innocent direction.</p><p class="western">“Yeah, because if your sister went to her mother saying ‘<em>hey mom, I’m a ragging lesbian</em>’, the woman would have a blast.” I doubt poor Sana-eonnie even know what all of this is conversation is about but she’s receiving as well. Sorry. Both because if Nayeon’s wrath and because mom would probably clutch on her pearls.</p><p class="western">“I’m not a les-”</p><p class="western">“Right. Tell me something, Sana.” Nayeon’s forehead vein is so big I’m truly frightened. “When we watched the Avengers, who were you looking at?”</p><p class="western">What does that have to do with anything at all? Is this code for some sexual thing I don’t know (and don’t want to know) about? My sister doesn’t even answer and it is Momo-eonnie the one to speak up for her with a snort.</p><p class="western">“Black widow.” I mean… who doesn’t? I will not confirm nor deny I have yet to finish an ongoing Natasha/Wanda fanfiction.</p><p class="western">“But because she’s so cool I want to be her friend!”</p><p class="western">“Yeah, you’d be the bestest of friends,” Momo, self-appointed voice of the people.</p><p class="western">“Eonnie!”Dahyun tries to <em>defend</em> her girlfriend, if there’s anything to defend her from. All of us in here have witnessed Sana-eonnie’s lack of heterosexuality, some of us have even… anyway. However she wants to call it is her business, in my honest opinion, but that doesn’t erase the reality of it and that’s something objective that we all know, that so far in life Sana-eonnie has only <span>been (too) attracted to</span> girls and not boys.</p><p class="western">“She doesn’t even have powers!” Momoring fights back, almost with despair. So she doesn’t like superhero movies, huh? She’s always been a Disney girl but not <em>that</em> side of Disney.</p><p class="western">This doesn’t become that kind of argument but only because Tzuyu returns the attention to the main topic.</p><p class="western">“Look, I wouldn’t ask you to come out. I’m not even out nor planning to.” I had never heard her talk so frankly about such private matters, it feels odd but somehow endearing.</p><p class="western">“Then what is this fight about? Explain it to me because I don’t understand.” There’s a hint of honest and <span>grievous</span> <span>desperation</span> in Nayeon’s voice that I never thought I’d hear. These two together are a remarkable thing.</p><p class="western">“About you not taking us seriously!” Too loud, my eyes snap to the door to check in case someone appears through the threshold but as the argument keeps going, it seems we’re safe.</p><p class="western">“Come on. You know that’s not true.”</p><p class="western">“Really? T<span>ell me something, would we be having this conversation if your</span> two best friends were in the room?”</p><p class="western">“Ouch!” Dahyun mumbles beside me and everyone turn their head towards her, who shrinks in her spot and lowers her head. “Sorry.”</p><p class="western">“You said nobody can change old people’s minds,” Tzuyu continues exposing her case. “You could start with Jeongyeon, then.” Ouch, indeed.</p><p class="western">Nayeon-eonnie doesn’t respond immediately. For a few seconds she only stares at Tzuyu in awe, in disbelief of what she’s suddenly asking her to do. Knowing her, this is going to get nasty — Nayeon doesn’t like to get cornered, she doesn’t handle that well, and that’s exactly what Tzuyu’s doing right now.</p><p class="western">“That’s not fair,” she says, rather calmly. I didn’t think she would take her time to try to reason with Tzuyu, this day is full of surprises.</p><p class="western">“Why, she’s not a fifty year old man, is she?” The younger one fights back, not giving up.</p><p class="western">“Well…”</p><p class="western">“Or maybe there’s another reason why you don’t want to tell her.” I should have imagined Tzuyu would have sensed it — the Force is always on her side. In any case, that wasn’t cool at all. Yes, I know I’ve suggested similar things before, maybe even tried to force Nayeon to come clean with Tzuyu about all that matter but always keeping it between them. This is different, this is a blunt and very public low blow and the worst part is that Tzuyu knows Nayeon would feel it like a stab. The argument gets nastier and harsher every second and here we are, mute witnesses of such heartbreaking battle.</p><p class="western">Of course we’ve seen those two fighting before, bantering mainly, and yeah, Tzuyu can be quite heartless and hurtful when she wants but never like this, never aiming <span>to burn this</span> deep. Not so fatal, never to scar. It doesn’t show in her face, nothing does, but I want to believe that my friend regrets it the very moment the words spill and tears of frustration start glazing Nayeon’s eyes. How painfully sad it is to notice even now she hasn’t released her girlfriend’s hand.</p><p class="western">“Hey, is this a TWICE meeting and we haven’t been invited?” And if this couldn’t get any better, speaking of the Devil. “What’s going on?”</p><p class="western">But nobody dares to open their mouth, much less to make any sound. We just stare from the two girls at the door to the other ones in front of us, hoping and praying for something miraculous to happen, for something that would make this tension ease down and dissolve this meeting. But nothing happens, only Jihyo’s strong voice resonates in the theatre.</p><p class="western">“Wait, is this about the gossip going around?” she asks, getting no answer. It’s not like half the people here would understand what she’s talking about anyway, although something tells me they’re about to find out. “Come on, everyone knows that’s bullshit.” Ah, I don’t swear but goddammit. “Right, guys?” In that moment in which Nayeon’s eyes cannot find any sort of comfort in her girlfriend’s, she finds mine — sadly, I’m just as petrified as she is. This won’t end well. “Guys?”</p><p class="western">Was this a movie or a TV drama, maybe even a chapter in a story of a group of friends, some of us (any of us) would have come up with something to draw the attention elsewhere; an excuse, maybe, or perhaps Tzuyu would have come back into her senses in time for one of her legendary and witty saves. But this is not fiction and reality works way slower, so when the gazes of the two girls finish scrutinizing every single one of us and still find no answer, Jeongyeon’s silly smile drops as she defers straight to her best friend and her voice sounds just so… hoarse.</p><p class="western">“Nayeon?”</p><p class="western">“Jeong…” The words won’t just come out of her mouth. I know how she’s feeling, it’s the same knot suffocating her as the one that crushes my throat when Jeongyeon takes a deep breath and her eyes fall on me. The first spark of surprise gets smothered by the dark veil of realization falling over her as she steps back and covers her mouth with one hand.</p><p class="western">“Shit, you two… you…” Jeongyeon keeps looking from her to me and back, not able to believe the sudden turn of events but at the same time crumbling as everything falls into place and this and that and all the things that never made any sense start appearing in her mind under a new light. Only once her eyes divert from us, and that is when they fall somewhere. It takes the way Nayeon steps away from Tzuyu and a hurt grunt from my friend to realize Jeongyeon spotted the way they were holding hands. “What the hell is going on here?” The way she spats it, how she yells goes through my heart like a harpoon, tearing everything in its way. The warmth and ache of tears start weighing in my eyes, threatening to spill and make a mess. At some point the scene becomes too blurry to see and the only thing that keeps me in my spot is the appearance of Mina’s warmth behind me, her silent support. Honestly, I cannot imagine what must be going through Nayeon-eonnie’s mind right now but Jeongyeon is starting to lose her shit and she’s just there, frozen in place, staring. I don’t think I can even see her breathe. Then, Jeongyeon takes a deep breath and speaks again, sternly. "Ok, I'm only gonna ask this once: how many of our friends have you had sex with?" Wow, crass of her to ask, isn’t it? A bit judgmental, even. Yet, maybe it is the general tension of the moment or the fact that I’m already putting all my energy into not pissing my pants under Jeongyeon’s glare, I raise my hand.</p><p class="western">Imagine my surprise when I look around and realize Momo and Sana have done the same.</p><p class="western">"I knew it, you liar!" <span>I blurt out in my sister’s direction, unable to stop myself. </span></p><p class="western">"Tzuyu, I can explain..." This is the first time in a while I hear Nayeon-eonnie’s voice and to be honest, I was starting to miss it. Normally, Nayeon puts into the table the perfect amount of reassurance and confidence this group needs to boost its energy — now, however, it’s like she has been stripped of all strength and the only thing left is her weak cry.</p><p class="western">"I'm not sure if I'm upset or just very satisfied after solving Momo's conundrum," she says, softly, and something tells me that she means exactly that just like she means what follows up: "It's nothing I didn't expect when I started dating you, tho." That’s… No, Tzuyu, no. I want to reprimand her, tell her to stop but I can’t. All I am able to do is watching the interaction like the silent witness that just keeps staring while someone kicks another who’s already lying on the ground. I hate to think that this is something that they should be talking in private because maybe it is but then I would be saying that I’d rather turn a blind eye to my friends’ pain and that’s so unfair. Everything just feels wrong right now.</p><p class="western">"What exactly?" Nayeon ask, hands closing in fist to deny themselves the temptation of seeking contact again.</p><p class="western">"You being a bit of an unfaithful bitch." Oh, fuck.</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu!” I wish it was me, any of us who already know so we could have responded Nayeon’s trust by standing by her in this vulnerable moment, you know? But none of us opens our mouth, Jihyo does. Somehow that warms my heart in this freezing hour.</p><p class="western">"Is that what you think?" Nayeon’s a superb actress but the type of pain <span>embeds her words</span> right now is something you cannot just fake.</p><p class="western">"It's not like you've proven it wrong." I love Tzuyu with my heart and soul, she’s one of my best friends, one of my soul mates, but please someone shut her up!</p><p class="western">“Not just eye-candy, also sweet for the ear, huh?” Ah, Nayeon’s mad now.</p><p class="western">“Careful there or your teeth will hurt.” This is so bad.</p><p class="western">Finally, I gather the courage to speak up.</p><p class="western">“Girls, there’s no need to be vio-”</p><p class="western">“Shut up, Chaeyoung!” Only to be shushed by both of them before they return to their very own rumble.</p><p class="western">"So that’s why you keep pushing me away? Because you expect me to cheat on you?" Tzuyu only watches her face, almost as if she’s seeing it for the first time. "Now you don't say a word…" Don’t push her, something tells me it’s much better this wa-.</p><p class="western">“If you have nothing good or valuable to say, better say nothing." There it is. I wince with every word, flinch more and more in pain every time my friend opens her mouth. It’s like watching a train wreck in slow motion. I don’t know exactly what’s going on in that alien head of hers right now but she’s genuinely burying her relationship with Nayeon. Perhaps she knows it, probably what she doesn’t get yet is that she will regret it more than she imagines later.</p><p class="western">"If you don't trust me I don't really know what we're doing,” Nayeon whispers and it sounds final, solemn. It comes out like the point of inflection that could fix it or break it forever. Of course, a stubborn Tzuyu doesn’t realize how much she cares and blindly keeps on with her obstinacy.</p><p class="western">
  <span>"I have nothing better to do." And then the final explosion but far from what you would have imagined, it doesn’t play in the outside — it reflects in Nayeon’s eyes. The heartbreak. And then the anger tugging from her lips, a sudden spark of deprecation that knowing her the way I do belongs to a single thought that little to nothing has to do with Tzuyu. She’s ashamed, she feels pathetic. It is the way her eyes dart to Jeong what gives it out, only to fall back on us, then back to Jihyo, Tzuyu and then me before falling to the ground. She doesn’t feel cornered anymore — that’s intimate, private. No, she feels scorned. I had never witnessed anyone hitting her so deeply and with such intent to damage. Nayeon prides herself on her composure and fortitude, her ability to deflect and return the poisonous jabs anyone could send in her direction growing form her extraordinary sense of self-love and her and the obscure violence and aggression she buried deep inside her soul to be the most functional human being in this society, despite her endless frustration. </span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>No wonder why you’re always so quiet,” she gulps as she desperately tries to bite back tears that are already spilling. “You truly can be a fucking asshole when you open your mouth.” At this moment, nothing of that is left, and for the first time she just runs away.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>What a mess.</span>
</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0027"><h2>27. Because you make me feel special. Sana.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western">Whereas I’ve never liked silence, it had never felt more asphyxiating than it does lately. After last week’s disaster things have been tense among the group and this time I cannot be positive and brush it off as a teeny tiny trifle that will wash away with time. It was… nasty, to say the least. I feel for Nayeon, honestly, Tzuyu-ssi was way off her lane. She stepped on every red line and crushed every border that could have been deemed as acceptable in a situation like theirs. Nothing could have justified such disrespect, not to anyone but specially not to your partner. I do get that this situation is not something she ever asked for and that it is quite a tough life to live but at the end of the day Nayeon was just trying to protect herself and to protect <em>her</em>. She didn’t deserve <span>anything (or most) of what Tzuyu spat to her</span>.</p><p class="western">Really, I had feared this relationship would sink eventually but I never thought the one who would end up <span>scorned</span> would be Nayeon. I might be harsh to her sometimes but I admit I had never seen her as full of joy and life as when Tzuyu was around. Now it’s like every time they share the same room, even if they don’t give the slightest peek to each other, the atmosphere grows thick and gray, heavy and sticky. It’s so uncomfortable, and I haven’t even started to address the rest of the drama. Even though Jihyo is trying her best to be cool about everything and despite her obvious effort showing in every word and every look she gives to any of us, that topic keeps floating around in the background and <span>it is suffocating for all of us</span>. There’s something particularly shameful in having <span>a part of you that</span> you’ve kept so intimate, so private, suddenly revealed. However, Nayeon doesn’t seem to mind it all that much or at least <span>she doesn’t let it</span> show — despite the obvious tension she’s been relying a lot on Jihyo since Jeongyeon has… been absent lately, to say it kindly. If it’s heartbreaking to all of us, I don’t want to imagine how Chaeyoung and Nayeon <span>must be</span> feeling right now. Anyway, let’s focus on the positives! Because there are positives as well, or I might just be intentionally deluding myself to have something to anchor me to sanity. For example, Momo and I were able to brush off the fact that she never explicitly told me about herself (or more like her and Nayeon, although who hasn’t slept with Nayeon?) without any drama — it is true that I never asked, and as I never saw her pining after anyone at all I guess it was impossible for me to assume one thing or the other. If anything, now I’m more capable to understand her and how she’s able to <span>get</span> me so well we seem connected by the same braincell. It almost feels more special than it already was before. At the end of the day, she’s still my Momoring and I am her Satang, and I am the happiest because at this point in our friendship I could still learn something new about her.</p><p class="western">Another positive aspect of this late situation is that Tzuyu and Dahyun are spending a lot of time together lately, to the point they don’t even have lunch with us now… which I get that might sound awful for all of you and it sucks sometimes BUT that also means that there are less chances for me to be tempted by those damn gorgeous hips of hers and also more space for me to be depressed about reality until my heart is tired of crying. Thankfully that rumor didn’t go any further due to Nayeon’s reputation — bless her. Really, lately Chae has been working in some painting for a friend or something like that and I had run out of excuses not to be alone with her in my very empty house.</p><p class="western">Moreover, I’ll let you know I’m starting to believe Dahyun’s not as <span>naive</span> as she looks, at least not as innocent of thought. Just look at her today, dressed in blue to make herself look angelic, putting some strands of her gorgeous hair up in two tails, enough to make the rest fall like a cascade from a fantasy, showing her cute little ears. She knows how much I like her ears. In fact, today she’s wearing the cross earrings I gifted her for our one month anniversary and she only wears them on special occasions. There’s no way she’s not doing it on purpose.</p><p class="western">“And she’s at it again,” Momo-chan says, mouth full of jokbal and a light and gloomy air. She’s been in the weirdest mood lately. <span>And no, I wasn’t lying when I said we’re cool — we haven’t really </span><span><em>talked </em></span><span>about it but we are cool.</span></p><p class="western">“What?” Although maybe it is the fact that I haven’t <span>addressed the topic in order to seem natural</span> what is irking her.</p><p class="western">“Eating Dahyun with your eyes.”</p><p class="western">“I’m not doing such a thing!” I protest. When I look at my girl, I do it with respect and due adoration, at least when we’re out in the public. Not that lewdness implies any lack of respect or any less adoration but it does add different flavors to the whole… never mind. Momo wouldn’t get it, she doesn’t even care about my case and just keeps munching her meal.</p><p class="western">“If you zhopt secxhlly represshing orzelf you oden be so fzorny.”</p><p class="western">“What did you say?”</p><p class="western">Momoring does swallow the big bite she was munching, not without a great difficulty, I may add (she’s going to choke and die one day, I swear) although she doesn’t get to reply. It is Mina’s voice the one that appears first, never bothering to raise her head from her plate and the food she’s been playing with for twenty minutes already.</p><p class="western">“<span>S</span>he said if you got laid you wouldn’t be a snake.”</p><p class="western">The way her words slur startles us. A lazy diction like she’s a bit too bored to mind our conversation but just enough to bother participating. We turn our heads towards Mina, looks in awe, silently wondering what might be the reason for such sudden irritation.</p><p class="western">“Did you… talk to Sehun again?” I test the waters.</p><p class="western">“What?” She almost seems offended. I know she doesn’t like when any of us question her ex’s motives to disclose such a thing about Nayeon and Chae but it is difficult not to see any ulterior motives <span>taking everything into consideration</span>. He did look like an alright guy but who knows. “No, no! He told me it was an accident and I believe him, guys.”</p><p class="western">“What’s eating you then?” Momo changes the direction of the conversation, there’s no use in following this way and whatever he did is not what matters now. Minari’s a babe, she would never act this snarky out of spite. Not a single bad or disrespectful word has ever escaped those lips. Something’s obviously not right.</p><p class="western">Finally, she raises her head from her food, stare wandering from my friend to me and back before her expression slowly starts to melt into one of sad despair.</p><p class="western">“It’s just…” Her eyes fix on me but when my gaze meets hers, they avoid me, running away to the ground with a deep sigh. “I’m not sure I can talk to you about this.”</p><p class="western">“You can tell <span>us</span> about anything, Mitang,” I insist, a bit offended but mostly saddened by her reticence to open her heart to us. I thought we had shared enough to ease her into our group, to show her she can trust us. When she takes a deep breath and looks back at us, her face shows a hesitance that doesn’t come from fear or pain. Is she… embarrassed?</p><p class="western">Her eyes avert mine yet again, unable to hold my stare for long before she nervously pretends something on the table is suddenly more interesting. That pink hue soaking her cheeks is unmistakable and I think I do have a clue about what’s going through her mind.</p><p class="western">“It’s about Chaeyoung.” Precisely.</p><p class="western">“Trouble in paradise?” Momo’s hand reaches for hers as she scoots closer, dropping her tone. After last week’s disaster we cannot risk it.</p><p class="western">“She just keeps rejecting my…” Her mouth opens and closes without finishing her sentence. Then, her eyes find me for another second and drop yet again, “… advances.”Bingo! No, not bingo. Shit. “I’m afraid I’m doing something wrong or perhaps she just doesn’t like me that way.” Oh, darling...</p><p class="western">“Trust me, I’ve seen her drooling at your ass more frequently than it <span>is</span> decent, it’s not that,” Momo snorts and I follow her, amused by the truth of her words. I hate to say this about my little step-sis but none of us can deny she’s a thirsty mess.</p><p class="western">While there are plenty of chances for me to intervene, I decide against it out of caution and instead I try to work my way around the conversation not to meddle into Chaeyoung’s determination to go slow with their relationship. I mean, it is her right to approach this situation however she wants… also we made a promise and all of us are struggling, she will stick to it.</p><p class="western">“Look, I’ve had a…” I hate lying, honestly. I prefer creatively molding reality to make it more digestible and it normally works wonders, “...conversation with Chae about this, sort of.”</p><p class="western">“You have?!” Mina shoots at me looking like a deer caught in the headlights. That’s not how I meant it!</p><p class="western">“Not about you, I mean, yeah but not about this exactly.” Am I digging my own grave here? Can we confirm it? Yeah, yeah? “She told me she wants this to work, and after the kind of relationship she had with Nayeon and this being your first relationship with a girl, she wants to take things slow. So I think that’s what she meant.”</p><p class="western">“This is not my first relationship with a girl, though.” Eh?</p><p class="western">It might be the nonchalance of her tone but I don’t process what she’s said immediately. It’s only when I see Momo’s eyebrows shooting up when I realize my ears haven’t betrayed me.</p><p class="western">“Mitang!” My yelp makes her jolt in her spot and everyone turn their heads towards us. Oops…</p><p class="western">I sink in my chair and drag <span>it </span>closer to my friends to be able to talk discreetly.</p><p class="western">“Since when?” Momo wants to know.</p><p class="western">“I’ve had a girlfriend before.” This changes things, this changes EVERYTHING. “We were very young and we... didn’t… anyway, I have dated girls before.” An evil thought crosses my mind, the sudden want to bully my step-sister. I want to mess with them so bad, like so bad. “Don’t look at me like that, nobody asked.” But I shouldn’t, should I? It would be rude.</p><p class="western">“Does Chaeyoung know this?”</p><p class="western">“I mean… no but since I have shown interest in her I think it’s pretty clear I like women too?” Oh, oh, my goodness. <span>Would it be so wrong of me to </span><span>have some fun at their expense</span><span> now that I’ve got this kind of juicy information</span>? It’s not like <span>playing a bit with them will only serve</span> my amusement — Chae needs to start making out less and talking more, maybe this makes an exemplary punishment. “It’s actually been a while since I’ve dated a girl, I’m a bit nervous.”</p><p class="western">“Maybe you need to push a little bit to let her know <span>you want her, she’s a bit dense</span>.” My friend gives me a side glance before returning her attention to Mina.</p><p class="western">Oh, I love you Momoring, you read my mind like nobody else. I don’t even need to say a word. You may think that I’m just omitting information but I swear I haven’t tell her a thing, she’s acting on her own will.</p><p class="western">“What do you mean?” Now we’ve got Mina invested. No, Momo has, I’m innocent. My mouth is shut.</p><p class="western">“I don’t know.” Yet she articulates a smug smile as she leans back on her chair. “Cook her dinner, use fancy underwear, go blonde, all of the above.”</p><p class="western">“Go blonde?” Oh my god, Momoring!</p><p class="western">“<span>Yeah, blondes have more fun. Ask Sana.” Right when I thought I could leave this conversation as a mere witness of such mischief and state of decay. Well, I guess since I find myself included, I have no other option than to participate. </span></p><p class="western">“<span>That's true.” I nod. “So much fun,” and I admit I’m being a little self-indulgent </span><span>right now </span><span>but it’s so amusing to realize these two dorks together are this shamelessly chaotic. Unexpected, really — I thought Mina-chan would put Chaeyoung’s free spirit back down to earth but it seems like the result is just a gigantic (yet cute) mess.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>Who knows? Maybe this conversation will end here and nothing comes out of it, Mina keeps trying to seduce Chaeyoungie as my silly little step-sister </span>
  <span>does her best</span>
  <span> to resist her by making use of a surprisingly strong will. It kind of bother</span>
  <span>s</span>
  <span> me that she only shows this much self-control when it is about Mina but when it came to be sensitive about my feeli- Never mind. Only time will tell.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>Sincerely, my bet is on our sweet Mitang going blonde and looking so angelic Chaeyoung’s pants will never be found. I know what my opinion about this topic has been all along, </span>
  <span>however, it’s different now —</span>
  <span> knowing Mina’s fully aware of her situation and what it implies takes away a great deal of a weight from my shoulders, just as I know it will from Chaeyoung’s as well. </span>
  <span>No matter the situation</span>
  <span>, I’ll let her find about this on her own. In truth, I have my very own relationship to take care of and my very own angel, and I must tell you that she has been scheming all week behind my back, thinking I wouldn’t see right through her. This morning she texted me “</span>
  <span>
    <em>I’ll wait for you so we can go home together &lt;3”</em>
  </span>
  <span> like she had any other option without a car or a bike. She’s definitely up to something. Don’t you believe me? Then she’s added: “</span>
  <span>
    <em>Chae has dance practice.</em>
  </span>
  <span>” She does but I already knew that, all of us did — Momo’s been stressing it all week long. I don’t mention any of this to her, however. Dahyun seems so excited thinking she’s being sneaky at all it would be heartless to pop her bubble like that. </span>
</p><p class="western">
  <br/>
  <br/>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>It is after rehearsals when this meeting happens. When Dahyun arrives, she seems… odd. A bit nervous, yeah, mostly excited although the main suspicious thing is how much she smiles. Don’t get me wrong, I love her smile, especially if it’s paired with her awkward laugh</span>
  <span>ter</span>
  <span> and a blush but this is definitely out of the norm. Another thing I’ve realized is that Dahyun is wearing extra fancy clothes and I could swear she has changed her outfit </span>
  <span>at some point in the afternoon</span>
  <span>. I know what you must be thinking, that I am so horny I was paying more attention to other stuff but allow me to say this is something I would normally notice even if her hips and butt kept mesmerizing me. No, especially because this button up dress compliments her curves perfectly. She wasn’t wearing a dress at lunch time, was she? No, she wasn’t! I really can’t remember. Maybe Momo’s right and I drool way too much.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>We kiss in the car and I do my best to be a responsible driver and not get distracted by the intersection between the hem of her dress and those smooth and milky thighs of hers. They drive me crazy, I’m telling you. Jesus Christ, they even remain softly reddened by the fresh air of the street for a long time after the warmth of the car embraces her. I want to bite them. </span>
  <span>No, Sana! My mouth is watering. Is this what they talk about when they say I’m a snake? I’ll prove them wrong, control is key.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Wanna come in?” she asks me when I pull over in front of her building. “I’m alone for the weekend, don’t worry.” The edges of my sanity are so thin at this point that I feel them cracking.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>I should probably…” For what is worth, I do my best to refuse </span><span>her</span><span> but then Dahyun looks at me, doe eyed and a pout hanging from her lips and I can do nothing but give into her charms.</span> <span>A bit too willingly. Shut up.</span></p><p class="western">Her apartment is so silent, just like the last time I was here, minus the storm outside and being so drenched every step I took to her room feeling like a freezing nightmare. When she says she’s alone for the weekend, what she really means is that her parents have deemed whatever her elder brother is doing so worthy their farewells have been a short text and a few bills on the kitchen counter. She didn’t tell me before, however — normally when they do that sort of thing she calls me holding her tears but not this time. How sad it is that they have done it so many times before it’s become a routine for us? Either because of Myungsoo or work, and sometimes something pretty random but everything seems to be more important than their daughter. It infuriates me, they don’t deserve her — not her, nor her love. It’s so precious and they aren’t able to appreciate it. Dahyun’s just so perfect and they won’t even bother to look long enough to <span>realize</span>. She’s so <span>especial</span> that the brief moment in which I’m left alone in her living room doesn’t feel like loneliness but far from it the warmth of the memories of that night <span>pay</span> me company until my love finally <span>returns</span> and installs herself on the kitchen.</p><p class="western">“I don’t think you remember… the first time we met.” Dahyun suddenly mutters while pouring some tea for me as I sit on the very expensive looking couch. It’s sudden and confusion makes me tilt my head as I repeat her words in my head deep in thought. Honestly, I don’t remember a moment living in South Korea where I didn’t know Kim Dahyun but the memory of me landing in the airport spilling silent tears and tryung to swallow the knot in my throat. “Chae and I <span>went to your place</span> to wash up because we had got into a paint fight and I couldn’t come back home being red and blue.” I do remember that! Although my memory revolves around Chaeyoung’s hideous haircut and random appearance, more than anything. “You had just got here.” She hands me the tea cup and sits beside me with her own.</p><p class="western">“I… effectively don’t exactly remember you that day.” I make an apologetic grimace and take a sip before snuggling beside her. “I just recall being so on edge, I felt like I was getting into a prison on my own will.”</p><p class="western">Normally, Dahyun would lean on me or rest her cheek on my shoulder in an act of closeness since she still doesn’t dare to do something as <span>audacious</span> as caressing my cheek or playing with my hair to comfort me. This time, however, she rests her back on the couch and looks up to the ceiling.</p><p class="western">“I took a look at you and I felt struck by a lightning,” she admits, blushing softly. A giggle escapes my throat at her sudden honesty and I bemusedly hold her hand, delighting myself in the way her shyness keeps coloring skin from her cheeks to her ears and down her neck. Still, she apparently remains calm. “I didn’t understand then, I didn’t want to either, but for me you were just the most beautiful woman I had ever seen.”</p><p class="western">When she finally turns her head to look at me, the fondness of her stare and the beauty of her words make my heart stop and take my breath away. I don’t know if I’ve ever done any good to this world but if the prize of the universe is having her in my life, I commend myself to it and swear I’ll be an example of dedication.</p><p class="western">The next time I speak, even I surprise myself by not stuttering. Still, my words come out so softly, almost like a whisper, that if there was the most minimum sound around she wouldn’t probably hear me.</p><p class="western">“I do remember thinking you we’re the problematic kind of teenager at first whenever I used to see you around, though.” But she does hear me and she laughs like only Dahyunnie’s capable of, and I feel heat crawling my skin, feeling so silly out of the blue that I feel the need to defend myself: “You had piercings and pink and orange streaks in your hair, and you always wore hoodies and <span>beanies</span>!”</p><p class="western">“And you don’t remember our first kiss either.”</p><p class="western">“I do remember our first kiss!” Okay, I’m getting old but not<em> that</em> old! How low she thinks of me that she believes I would forget something so important? She always does that, thinking she’s the only one invested in this, believing the things we live together are only meaningful to her and not to me. How can I make her understand how precious she is? How can I make her believe me when I tell her that for me she’s oxygen to stay alive in this suffocating place? “It was by the piano and you were so adorable that I just wanted to hug you tight forever!”</p><p class="western">“Cute,” she releases a giggle but for some reason it sounds a bit gloomy. “That wasn’t our first kiss, though.” Uhm… now I’m lost. I’m pretty sure she’s wrong… unless I do really have a memory loss problem, in which case I should probably start by making a doctor’s appointment because it’s getting worrisome. That can’t be true, I remember it perfectly! “It was after BamBam’s party, when I managed to bring you home.” Eh? “You could barely open the door with the pad and I knew the code, so I helped you come upstairs and kinda tucked you into bed. I don’t know how your parents didn’t wake up, honestly, you weren’t being exactly stealthy.” Oh shit... “I was about to go get you a glass of water when you hugged my neck and well… you kissed me.” Oh fuck.</p><p class="western">“Dahyun…” I caress her cheek, still in disbelief of my stupid and drunk lack of sensitivity. Sure even when I only thought of her as my step-sister’s friend and I believed her to be straight I always enjoyed teasing her and testing her limits (in a very innocent and purposeless way, I promise) but I can’t believe my horny and drunken self would expose myself like that. Knowing the kind of night that was, it’s only another reason not to drink ever again.</p><p class="western">She stands up and the loss of contact makes the <span>atmosphere</span> suddenly so cold, especially when she starts walking across the room. She stops dead on her tracks in the threshold and extends her hand in my direction, calling for me. Of course, I follow her immediately. Dahyun guides me towards her bedroom and maybe it is the general tone of the situation but it doesn’t even occur to me to have any kind of better judgment and say no. The moment she opens the door to her room, I know I would have always regretted it. The dim light of her night stand lamps and a dozen candles protected by spherical glass welcome us, accompanied by the delicious scent of Dahyun’s perfume that embeds every single thing in the room.</p><p class="western">“I prepared all of this because I wanted it to be as special for you as it is for me this time.” Dahyunnie… I don’t know what to say. “I wanted you to remember this in a good way.” This? What? Like…? Oh, goodness, Dahyun. Before I realize, a tear is running down my cheek and before she can say anything about it I cup her face and tenderly kiss her lips.</p><p class="western">“Baby,” I say, resting my forehead against hers, “it will be the most special thing for me if it is with you.”</p><p class="western">We lie comfortably on the bed <span>over perfumed sheets. For unrushed minutes I review the shapes of her body and worship her mouth, learning every single part of her geography and anatomy, indulging myself by allowing some tricks here and there when I finally feel her ease into my arms, ones that I know Dahyun loves a bit too much like pulling from her lip or teasing her with ghostly kisses until she gets equally annoyed and amused and she kisses me back with greater dedication. The moment I feel it is her the one giving more intensity to our kisses is the time I allow my hands, up to this point the most well behaved you will ever see, to wander beyond the limits of her contours, grazing over sensitive places at a maddening slow pace, teasingly fumbling on buttons and playing with the hem of her dress.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Are you sure about this?” I make sure when I feel </span><span>the</span><span> pulse quicken in her neck against my lips. Dahyun nods slightly, and although I feel her do so, that’s not what I want. “Dahyunnie.”</span></p><p class="western">“<span>Yes,” she obliges in a murmur and while it feels like a good moment to go on, I still give her some time to adjust her mind and thoughts properly. It seems like the best choice because second later her hands stop their ministrations on my back and become still. “I’m a bit scared.”</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>That is my queue to dig up myself from her </span>
  <span>skin</span>
  <span> and run my hand through my hair to put it aside so I am able to see her face. She looks nervous but not spooked, that’s good, that’s great. Look, I don’t know what perception she has of me right now but the truth is that I’m not sure how I should manage this situation. If I’m honest with you part of me wants to just relax, giggle the tension off and be all cool and funny about this but on the other hand Dahyun’s so vulnerable right now it feels like this should be taken with careful seriousness… although at the same time I don’t want her to believe I’m being ‘</span>
  <span>
    <em>serious’</em>
  </span>
  <span> as in concerned or bothered in any remotely bad way about </span>
  <span>this being her first itme</span>
  <span>. So I will just follow my first principle: when you don’t know what to do, be cute.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>About anything in particular or all of it?” I ask but then ease the weight of the question by kissing her nose tip. Dahyun bites her lower lip and I know it’s due to her distress but shit, that’s so sexy. </span><span>Now, that’s what Nayeon means when she says I’m a snake, right?</span></p><p class="western">“<span>I’m afraid I’m going to be so bad at this,” she then admits and it dismantles me. I expected a lot of complicated implications that had to do with her religion and the way I know she sees the world and virginity and all that stuff that I don’t necessarily agree on but know it’s important to her. </span><span>Nevertheless</span><span>, her main source of stress in this moment is the possibility of me not enjoying this. There is no one more adorable in this universe than Kim Dahyun. </span></p><p class="western">
  <span>A giggle escapes my lips, to which she responds with a pout </span>
  <span>while</span>
  <span> a deep red blush brightens her pale ears. I don’t want her to believe I’m not taking her seriously but I just love her so much I can’t hold the joy anymore. </span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Don’t make fun o-,” she tries to mumble before I can’t resist her anymore and my lips silence hers.</span></p><p class="western">“<span>I’</span><span>m not</span><span>.” My nose strokes hers tenderly. “I love you so much I’m a bit too happy right now.”</span></p><p class="western"><span>My sincerity only makes her </span><span>flush</span><span> more, rushing her heartbeat to a truly hilarious </span><span>pace</span><span> although this time I don’t laugh. Instead, my fingers find the buttons of her dress and start undoing them slowly, giving her the time to change her mind if she wishes. With every button off, I look at her face in search of anything that indicates she’s not feeling comfortable enough to go further and also on the contrary, she’s getting frustrated with my pace and needs to go faster. Maybe I’m </span><span>going above and beyond, giving myself </span><span>too much credit for being intuitive because there’s no</span><span>thing of that I can read</span> <span>from</span><span> her face, only a twink of embarrassment that doesn’t prevent her from looking right into my eyes the whole time. This moment feels so sacred.</span></p><p class="western">And with her nudity, mine comes as well. There will be plenty of occasions for her to take my clothes off the way I want her to but tonight I think that overworked brain of hers already has enough by processing what’s going on, so I straddle her and undress slowly — not because I want to make a show of it (although that too, and it’s obvious she’s quite fond of it) but not to overwhelm her pure soul. One step at the time.It takes me a second to decide whether I should just take everything off or it would be wiser to stay in my underwear, Dahyun’s fingers clawing at my thighs doesn’t help me decide any faster. I guess it would be just fair since she is very much naked but I’m not sure — thankfully, it is Dahyun the one to solve all my doubts. Her hands run my thighs until they reach the hem of my panties and a small finger hooks around it, pulling slightly. How daring my angel is becoming, I can’t handle the joy bubbling on my chest right now.</p><p class="western">Her skin is like silk covering clouds, warm ones, those about to release a storm. It has a particular scent, fresh like cider but heady like chocolate — it might be the mixture of her perfume and her soap or maybe it’s just Dahyun but whatever it is, it’s so tempting it compels me to give into the pleasure of sucking ever so slightly, trying to absorb as much of her taste as I can without getting too overboard — although it is difficult to respect any red lines when your girlfriend keeps releasing the tiniest squeals and pulling from your neck to put more intensity into your dangerous shenanigans. At some point I decide on separating a bit to try to make her understand.</p><p class="western">“You’d look so pretty with my teeth printed in your skin,” I whisper as I fix a loose strand of golden hair out of the way of her gorgeous eyes, “but I don’t want to mark you.” Her response? The neediest whine. I don’t think anybody had made me blush like this during sex in a while. “We’ll get in trouble, Dahyunnie,” I giggle my embarrassment off as I try my best not to be overwhelmed by such sight and take the lead as I ought to. This should be easier, you know, to stay calm and in control of my actions, to plan and perform flawlessly and not become clumsy by getting way too excited and rushing things like it’s my first time doing a girl but there’s just something about Dahyun that threatens to leave my brain out of order, I swear. Seeing her like this is too much for my heart to handle sometimes.</p><p class="western">Yet I have to push myself and overcome it because if someone is overwhelmed here, it is Dahyun, and if someone feels the most vulnerable and lost here, it is my girlfriend. The moment I feel her breathe pacing up too fast against my shoulder and her body stiffen, I let half my body fall next to her carefully, doing my best not to trap her gorgeous mane.</p><p class="western">“Careful, baby.” I fix her hair yet again. I know long hair gets in the way a lot during sex but there’s just something so sexy about it I wouldn’t change it for anything. Just the sight of it, this picture. I could watch her like this forever. “You are gorgeous sprawled on my bed like this.” M<span>y talk is breathy</span>, half in whispers, half loud enough to make sure she hears me as I slowly kiss her neck. “You don’t even realize how sexy you are.”</p><p class="western">“Sana…” she moans but if it is out of pleasure or anxiousness I can’t be sure.</p><p class="western">“I’m here,” I promise, whispering to her ear while I caress her body with the tips of <span>my</span> fingers, from her <span>sweet cheeks</span> to her perky breasts, <span>enjoying a bit too much the stiffness of her </span>nipples, <span>the trip through her</span> ribs and the absolutely amazing curve of her hips until I reach the <span>delicious</span> tenderness of her inner thighs. “You’re so gorgeous, Dahyun-ah.” A nibble to her earlobe to indulge myself. “Put your hand on mine,” I command and Dahyun complies. Her hand is so warm. “Show me how it feels the best.” A twitch. She hesitates a moment before she starts moving my hand up to her core. If the touch of her hand was warm, this is burning. Her fingers on top of mine start drawing small circles and while I take a moment to gather some wetness to ease the friction, I soon replicate her movements, overjoyed by the way her breath catches on her chest. “See? I also have to learn to satisfy you, it’s ok, don’t be nervous.”</p><p class="western">“I can’t help it,” she murmurs, voice a bit strained.</p><p class="western">“It’s me, I’m here.” I kiss her lips. “I love you.”</p><p class="western">My strokes begin soft and slow. Being able to take our time together and enjoy every bit without a hurry, without the fear of being interrupted or feeling the tick-tack clicking in the back of our heads is a gust of fresh air — I didn’t really know how much I needed to share this freedom with Dahyun until today. Now <span>all my</span> energy is focused on not starting to overthink and just enjoy the moments I have with her because this is a once in a lifetime kind of experience and Dahyun deserves all of me.</p><p class="western">“Relax, baby girl, breathe with me.” When I pick up the pace of my shenanigans, Dahyun swallows a tiny moan before taking a deep breath. She bites her lower lip but the sounds starts coming out more and more as her hips start twitching with the approach of her high. “That’s right, let me hear you.” The moment<span>um</span> seems to skip, I can almost hear the turmoil of thoughts clouding her mind and stiffening her body. She’s still too tense, I want her to be present, I want her walking on the edge with no fear in her heart because she’s holding my hand. “Let go, I’m here for you, only for you.” I nibble on her cute earlobe, enjoying myself in the way her head turns towards me to capture my lips with growing need. They do muffle my giggle but that won’t stop me from teasing. “I want to make you feel good,” I whisper against her mouth, hand running up and down her thigh, torturing her until she starts whining and pulling from my arm so I go back to where she’s feeling best. Dahyun’s obviously getting into it but <span>in my experience</span> she needs to be fully absorbed in order not to be put off by any sudden anxious thoughts. My fingers find her entrance, teasing it painfully slowly, caressing her folds, dipping in ever so slightly. I can feel Dahyun get so slick, so wet I have to stop myself from dropping the tenderness and going straight to eat her out. Instead, I occupy my mouth with hers, deepening the kiss as <span>I</span> enter her with one finger — it’s fairly easy, more than I thought, to be honest, there’s an obvious difference with fingering someone with more experience but the space allows me to move, curling the finger at the end to hit the sensitive spots on her walls before putting it out completely to smudge some wetness around her clit. I even take my time toying a bit more with it before going back in. “Does it feel good, Dahyunnie?” She just whimpers and lowers her body as if she wanted to <span>blend</span> with the mattress. “Tell me, my love.”</p><p class="western">“Please don’t stop,” is all she can manage to say and it’s wonderful.</p><p class="western">So I keep going at a leisuring pace, something that normally people aren’t keen on but allow me to say that the mixture of lazy kisses with unhurried touches have a unique charm that not even I had experienced before — to be able to feel her moans and the changes in her breathing against my mouth as I worship her, to have the opportunity of exploring her reactions to my actions, to learn without any pressure what she likes and what she doesn’t, and how when she starts feeling a bit too good the foreign feeling becomes a bit unbearable and when her hips should seek for more, they start shaking and twitching away.</p><p class="western">“<span>Don’t run away</span>, baby, meet my fingers where it feels <span>best,</span>” I murmur, placing my lips against her pulse point. She’s so adorable, she fills her chest with air and does her best to do what I tell her, and when she does and starts to manage the pleasure, she becomes eager. “Shh, there’s no rush.” My tongue draws her jaw, trying to ease her up but she’s picked up a pace and she doesn’t seem willing to go back so I take the hint to drive her to her peak and allow her to run her descent. Nothing in the world can compare to the beauty of a woman’s flushing chest raising when she reaches her orgasm, and seeing Dahyun, my Dahyun, like that makes my head spin.</p><p class="western">And when she comes back to the ground, I encourage her to curl into me and cuddle in my warm embrace, just hoping it’s been just as perfect for Dahyun as it’s been for me. Whereas I could be just like this until the end of my days, Dahyun does break the silence. No, to describe it more precisely, first of all I do feel a sneaky hand fumbling around my crotch — fumbling because it could be mistaken as an intent to tease me it is way too obvious that she’s hesitant about taking the step or not. Only for this time, I do nothing and let her be brave and take the lead because of course my girl is no coward and it’s not like I have a gnome down there, it’s not going to bite. However, when she runs her fingers through my folds, she does blurt out with a somewhat shaking voice:</p><p class="western">“Fuck, you’re so wet.” I don’t think I have ever heard Kim Dahyun swearing so bluntly.</p><p class="western">“Who do you think got me like this?”</p><p class="western"><span>Being aware</span> of Dahyun’s inexperience <span>is different than knowing about her</span> fears. Thankfully, I’ve never been shy when it comes to communication during sex — with a bit of work, Dahyun won’t be either soon. Her touches while insecure are so <span>determined to please</span>, clumsy but so loving, and in all truth the fact that her hand gets tired doesn’t have to do with her all that much but with the fact that I’m a bit too greedy. It doesn’t become a problem at all, nevertheless, since when her pace starts slowing down due to exhaustion I change tactics before any dreading thought can <span>jump on</span> her mind and straddle one of her thighs. While it’s frustrating not to be able to kiss her the moment I reach my high, I wanted her to see this, to see me so she knows it’s the both of us in here, that tonight she’s not alone.</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0028"><h2>28. What are late nights but fun nights. Nayeon.</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p class="western"> </p><p class="western">
  <span>I’ve always despised whiny people. People that see the most negative side of everything, people that likes to complain but does nothing to fight adversity. People who aren’t even capable at the very least to keep standing against whatever their situation is — people who thrive in their misery. No, I definitely detest whiners and that’s the main reason why nobody will ever hear a single complain coming from my stunning mouth, not even though being Im Nayeon is so fucking difficult. Plus, it’s not like anybody would understand the struggle of living my life if I started telling them how </span>
  <span>
    <em>angry</em>
  </span>
  <span> I am right now or how </span>
  <span>
    <em>frustrating</em>
  </span>
  <span> it is to deal with a sociopath with the gorgeous body of a model and the maturity of a big puppy dog. </span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>Tzuyu doesn’t trust me, can you believe it? Me! After all I’ve done! Haven’t I dropped all my flings even though we weren’t doing anything to satisfy my very real and very relevant needs? A relationship without any kind of sexy times is just a sort of friendship, for fuck’s sake. You can even make out with very close friends provided hands are on safe places, am I right? The difference comes with the boundaries. Ugh! Don’t mind me, I rant and say horrible things I don’t mean when I’m angry — I do get that this kind of stuff is important to some people even if I don’t share the feeling. But really, what else do I have to do so she’ll trust me? Haven’t I taken my time to get to know her better? Haven’t I opened myself to her, allowed her to see what nobody else will ever see? But of course that’s not enough to prove myself, to show her I am serious, not for Tzuyu. She’s a child after all and she knows nothing, not about life, not about me and definitely not about how to have a relationship in the goddamn real world. As if it was any different in Taiwan! Yes, they can get married but everyone knows that’s just to spite China and not because they’re any more progressive. No wonder she’s that mordant. On a second thought, under that stereotyped rule I probably should have had plastic surgery for my eighteenth birthday but how on Earth could I improve what is already perfect?</span>
</p><p class="western"><span>Anyway, she’ll realize about it soon enough — that I’m a dream come true for her, that she’s been absolutely stupid for valuing me so little and she will always regret losing me like this. Then she’ll come back like a hurt puppy with the tail between her legs asking for forgiveness AND I’LL TELL HER TO FUCK OFF! Or at least make her beg for it. I still can’t believe she thinks so little of me, truly. Some days when she passes by and doesn’t even bother to look at me, as if someone as</span><span><em> low</em></span><span> like me</span> <span>wasn’t worthy of her almighty ass, know it might sound horrible but I want to see her cry for me. Yet at the same time I don’t. Stupid goddess-like puppy. If she believes I’m going to spill a single tear for her she’s out of her mind.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>The most irritating side of this story is that this is nothing I didn’t expect from her. You know, Tzuyu’s </span>
  <span>
    <em>main</em>
  </span>
  <span> problem is not so much that she believes me to be a floozy and a deceitful monster but that she thinks she’s way too good for me. Chou Tzuyu-nim, the high and mighty. Don’t you believe me? Let me explain this to you with a very simple example. Two weeks ago we were having a ‘Netflix and chill’ kind of date with way too much Netflix and not so much </span>
  <span>
    <em>chill</em>
  </span>
  <span>. You’d think we were watching some romantic drama in the line of ‘Love alarm’ or something like that but in truth we watched a thriller called ‘The Witch, part 1’. The movie tells the story of a seemingly ordinary high school girl with a mysterious past and some strange powers whose life is turned upside down when a group of assassins come after her. Not to spoil the movie to anyone but what a plot-twist. Randomly and out of the blue, just the way Tzuyu likes, she turned to me and said: “You two are quite alike.” Then, she proceeded to </span>
  <span>
    <em>kindly</em>
  </span>
  <span> explain to me why she believes me to be a self-indulgent and deceitful little bitch that uses the results to justify her means. For Tzuyu, she’s the normal one, the virtue. Of course thi is just her fantasy — as such she measures herself in comparison with her two besties, which let me say it’s laughable at best. Chaeyoung while never ill-willed has proven again and again to be intentionally blind and selfish when it comes to everybody else’s feelings if they make her uncomfortable. And Dahyun? She paints herself as an icon of innocence and maybe she can fool everyone but not me. I have no proof but even less doubts she has fallen into the-one-who-shall-not-be-named’s game while he was officially dating Jeongyeon — a shared stare is worthy a million words and I’ve seen enough suspicious glances between those two to think it’s remarkable. She didn’t give a fuck despite being her friend; moreover, I’m sure the other two goons know exactly what I’m talking about and still didn’t dare to say anything to Jeong even if it was so she’d come into her senses and finally break free from the asshole. And if Tzuyu is the epitome of what’s good, what am I? A pathetic mess that is so </span>
  <span>
    <em>lucky</em>
  </span>
  <span> someone like her feels </span>
  <span>
    <em>somehow</em>
  </span>
  <span> attracted to her. She’s here to set my life straight, it seems, or that’s what it looks like she believes.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>The main question here, some of you might ask, is why do I keep standing such sheer mistreatment. Well, to be honest, there was a moment part of me thought she had a point but not anymore. The </span>
  <span>
    <em>Nayeon’s so evil she deserves to be treated like shit</em>
  </span>
  <span> is getting old and it’s exhausting. Feelings suck, no wonder I prefer treating human comfort as a side affair, far from any complication they might bring along. There's a light to all of this situation, however. Something different from every time I've felt miserable due to any hint of romanticism in my life. Today there's someone by my side to wipe my tears and bear my rants. Today I'm not alone. Or that's what I think when Jihyo appears in my doorstep, hands busy with two bottles of wine and the brightest smile on her face. Not that my heart swells and I'm going to get mushy or anything.</span>
</p><p class="western">
  <span>The best thing about heartbreak is drinking. It makes you numb (or aims to) and it allows to think in everything else and nothing at the same time. The worst thing you can do about a heartbreak, however, is drinking. It clouds your reason and makes you say things you don't want to. Jihyo, as much as I love my friend, is the kind of drunk that doesn't know she's getting beyond her limit even though she's speeding across that red line like Usain Bolt finishing a race.</span>
</p><p class="western">“<span>Now we’ve warmed up we have to talk about this inbreeding you have brought upon our group.” Subtlety made flesh and bone.</span></p><p class="western">“I don’t want to address the elephant in the room. Can we not address the elephant in the room?”</p><p class="western">“Have you been eating <em>tteobokki </em><span>at</span> midnight again?” Asshole. This time I do hit her arm and she just laughs. Who’s the one who wakes up at 3 am to eat chicken feet again? “I do want to talk about it though.” Ah, shit, why? Much to my dismay, I kind of get the need to address this to get over it.</p><p class="western">“I’m sorry,” I start saying, as weird as it <span>sounds</span>. Jihyo doesn’t understand either but it’s important. “For hiding it from you…”</p><p class="western">“No, no, Nayeonnie…” she rushes to say. Her words come out so torpid it’s almost uncomfortable to witness. She’s really feeling like she’s walking on eggs when talking to me, huh? “If there’s someone who should be sorry here that’s me.” Jihyo takes a deep breath and looks straight into my eyes. That might be the first time I can say that without making any innuendo out of it. “I am sorry because… for years… I have had the inkling that you… uh…”</p><p class="western">“Am not straight?” I raise an eyebrow in vague amusement at her loss of words.</p><p class="western">“Yeah but uhm…” From all the people I’ve met in the world, Jihyo has always been prudent and driven, always has known what to do and how to do it. Now, however, she looks so insecure and that makes me truly anxious. Not that her uneasiness is in any way my fault although she is in this state because of me, “Forgive me if I’m wrong, that’s why I never mentioned it before but since this-”</p><p class="western">“This is stressing me out, can you get to the point, please?” She rolls her eyes. Rude. Finally, she takes a deep breath and spits it out:</p><p class="western">“I’ve always thought that you felt for Jeongyeon more than… <span>a friend… would</span>.”</p><p class="western">“Oh…” I don’t know what my expression must be right now but my face feels tight.</p><p class="western">“I wasn’t sure before but now a lot of things make sense.”</p><p class="western">“Way of saying I’m a shitty actress.”</p><p class="western">“Nayeon.” Please, don’t tell me this is going to get dramatic. It might surprise some of you but I’m not in the mood for drama.</p><p class="western">“That’s a battle I lost long ago. It doesn’t matter now, it never has.”</p><p class="western">“Is that all?” What does she even mean by that? Her eyes are so wide open, I’m not sure I want to know.</p><p class="western">“Mhm?”</p><p class="western">“Years, Nayeon.” True, years.</p><p class="western">“Yeah.”</p><p class="western">“And it’s gone just like that?”</p><p class="western">“Gone?” My life is a joke, not even a good one. “No, I wish but I don’t think I will ever stop having feelings for that lackwit.”</p><p class="western">“Why all this drama with Tzuyu then?”</p><p class="western">“She’s a nuisance.” Jihyo just gives me a particular stare. “Because I picture myself and her together in my mind and then I imagine what it would be if suddenly Jeongyeon was jealous and told me she wanted to be with me and I keep saying <em>no.”</em></p><p class="western">“And that’s it?” I feel nasty thinking this but sometimes is like some people have so much they don’t know how to appreciate the crumbs we get in life. “Is that good enough for you?”</p><p class="western">“It had never happened before.” And that’s something, let me tell you.</p><p class="western">“<span>So</span> what’s the problem?” Good question. Everything becomes a problem when it comes to Tzuyu.</p><p class="western">"It shouldn't be this difficult."</p><p class="western">"Why are you making it difficult then?" So now it is <em>my</em> fault. Maybe a little bit… perhaps. Although there’s no drama if the both of us don’t go for it.</p><p class="western">“You ask too many questions.”</p><p class="western">We look at each other for a bit too long, also a bit too intensely for my taste This is not the kind of conversation I’m used to have with Jihyo — this open about my stuff, I mean. Of course we’ve had conversations about her and I’ve always tried to provide her of the best shoulder to cry on and the warmest arms to rest on. That’s friendship. Actually, it’s probably the wine but I’m starting to believe this whole mess of a situation might be even good in some ways. Maybe there was a yearning inside of me to be able to share this piece of me with her like this, to be understood and accepted by Jihyo, and perhaps a part of her was craving for this as well.</p><p class="western"><br/>
<br/>
</p><p class="western">Wine has never allowed me to sleep despite alcohol rising in my blood and hazing my brain. An hour after Jihyo’s gone I’m still lying wide eyed in bed, rolling from one side to the other in the white silky pajamas that I bought earlier in the week to make myself feel better. Don’t worry, burning <span>the</span> credit card is actually more a Jihyo thing than it’s mine but I liked it and Hell could be damned, I wanted it. I might be unable to fall asleep but at least I’m feeling <span>good</span>, comfy and gorgeous in this. To be honest, there might be another reason for my insomniac tonight, not entirely related to alcohol.</p><p class="western">It is about 1 am when the first text comes. I was totally going to ignore it, especially when I saw it was Tzuyu’s but then I am curious by nature, sometimes a bit too much — some people would call it nosy but I beg to differ. The truth is I haven’t been able to stop myself, not from checking the text, neither from replying after reading her very non-chalant: “<em>You home?</em>” I’m not going to deny it, my first impulse has been to leave it there and resume my sleepless night but the adult in me, that part that listens to Jihyo much to my dismay, knows we should have a talk at some point. That’s the reason why I’ve replied in the calmest way I’ve could muster, while never inviting her over, must I say. However, it seems to be enough to have her knocking at my door. Tzuyu or some psychopath aiming to rob or kill me, I’m not sure which one I prefer right now.</p><p class="western">But of course it is Tzuyu, deadpan as an expression, presenting herself in my doorstep in an oversized shirt with a particularly ugly cream tone that Tzuyu loves but I seriously despise. She scans me with her eyes up and down, obviously judging my outfit despite being the one who dares to offend the gods of fashion.</p><p class="western">“When did you get a haircut?” She has been so adamant in her intent not to even look at me that she hadn’t even realized, huh? Asshole.</p><p class="western">“<span>I wanted to look fresh,” I reply, curtly, even if it wasn’t exactly her question.</span></p><p class="western">“You look old.” It is not normal to have to remind yourself again and again why you should not kick your girlfriend downstairs, is it?</p><p class="western">“What do you want?” <span>I ask slowly, marking every word so she understands properly where we stand right now.</span></p><p class="western">“Chaeyoung and Dahyun said I should come say I’m sorry.”</p><p class="western">“Did you ask them w<span>hat you had to be sorry about</span> or you thought about that yourself?” What a coward, averting her gaze the moment I call her out on her bullshit. Although that’s the least of my problems. The real trouble with Tzuyu is that she’s so entitled. Her eyes fall on some lost spot of my outfit and without another word she gets in, passing by my completely uninvited. But it’s not like she cares about that, she’s beyond such things like limits, rules or boundaries. “Come inside, please.” <span>I mutter, sarcastically, as I close the door to keep our privacy. O can already tell this is going to get nasty.</span></p><p class="western">
  <span>The moment she reaches my desk, she suddenly turns around and looks at me, lips forming a thin line on her face.</span>
</p><p class="western">“You are one of those people who just <span>pass by</span>.”</p><p class="western">“<span>Feel free to copy me and get out.</span>” I’ve never been prouder of a reply in my life. Still, she seems to ignore me and my warnings, as always.</p><p class="western">“You go all in freely because you never have anything to lose.” Oh, how much<em> we</em> love the drama.<em> “</em>You collect hearts and when someone asks for yours you give them wet paper.”</p><p class="western">“That’s not true and you know it.” She does, that’s why she has to look away again. However, this time it’s like she doesn’t want to look at me. If she can’t ever do that, why did she ever come here to begin with? “Why are you even here?”</p><p class="western">“One should listen to their intuition.” <span>In her quiet composure, she seems distressed. I doubt she’s even tal</span>king to me at this point. She’s such a baby sometimes, goodness — I hate how weak she’s able to make me.</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu…” I sigh, and with every breath I hate how she disarms me and bends my will, with every move until I hook a finger around Tzuyu’s pinky I dread the way she pulls on me despite all the pushing. I hate myself because every chance is the last chance I give her and none of them are. “Playing well, nothing can go wrong.”</p><p class="western">“Except I have the hunch everything will.” And again.</p><p class="western">“Because you don’t trust me!”</p><p class="western">“It’s not my fault you’ve got yourself a reputation.” At this I clench my jaw biting back all the nasty responses I would give to her, stopping myself from <span>yelling at her to get</span> away from my room, my life and my mind. Instead, I release her hadn. She’s free to go. Why do I keep caring?</p><p class="western">“Reputation is what others think of you, not who you are. I deserve just as much respect as you.”</p><p class="western">“Stop the cheap motivational bullshit.” This is one uncharacteristic burst of energy on her part. “Cards on the table.”</p><p class="western">“Okay.” Let’s play under her rules. I’m so done fooling around like this. “Cards on the table.” Her eyes rest on me so calculatedly and yet when our stares meet they fall back to an unknown spot on the ground. Uncomfortable, that’s how she looks, somehow anxious in my presence and unsure where to look or how to resume this conversation. Like she has a lot to say and not enough words to express it. What can I have done to hurt her so much she doesn’t feel at ease next to me anymore? I listened to every word she said, took all the knives she threw me and the burns she printed on my skin but missed what was on the other side. Something that won’t let her look at me again. “Maybe we both know that I’m not what is best for you, but…” <span>I sigh,</span> “…right now I’m asking you to be with me.”</p><p class="western">“Rich of you.” Why do I keep trying to talk with such a bitch?</p><p class="western">“Lucky you<em> I </em>am giving you a second chance.” Tzuyu looks down and I decide to take it as a spark of <span>guilt</span>. “Don’t make me regret my offer, you’re playing a dangerous game.”</p><p class="western">“For how long?” Such kind of questions she asks.</p><p class="western">“Two days, two months or two lifetimes, I don’t know.” I don’t see the future, do I? “At one point or another you need to take a blind step. <span>I guess the true question here is if you’re willing to take it with me.</span>” The next time Tzuyu rests her eyes on me, there’s something different in her stare. Something tense, a bright shadow, the spark that makes your adrenaline shot up right when you’re about to fall. While it is true that my speeches are deep and meaningful, and they sink in people’s minds and hearts, <span>her sudden reaction </span>does feel like too much. Being so difficult to read on a normal basis, all I can do to understand her is going ahead with my best bet. “You like?” I extend my arms and even allow myself to turn around so she can appreciate my outfit better.</p><p class="western">“No, it’s awful,” she says, unable to hide the drought of her throat. “Makes you look even older.” It will never cease amazing me how she’s able to be such a brat in the most inappropriate situations.</p><p class="western">“Should I take it off?” Something weird happens around Tzuyu’s jaw and I could swear it’s been close to dislocation. “Or maybe you want to do it yourself.” Eternal seconds pass yet she hasn’t even answered my first question. Truly, she’s the rudest woman I’ve ever met. “Will you, Tzuyu-yah?” A step forward and then another until I meet her in the center of the room. Tzuyu doesn’t run, doesn’t fight me, thankfully — no, she just stays very still as I put my arms around her gorgeous neck and soon accommodates hers around my waist, palms rubbing against the fabric while they surround me, snaking and constricting my body in the tightest hug and face binding to hide in the crook of my neck. Sometimes I forget she’s this cute.</p><p class="western">“I really hate everything you make me feel,” she murmurs, warmth caressing my skin.</p><p class="western">“Can you handle it?” Her silence shows already enough struggle. Oh, poor thing. “Stop fighting it.”</p><p class="western">Even when you kiss the same person often, between one kiss and another there can be both subtle and big differences but there are not two kisses that are the same. Tzuyu, in her innocence and stiffness, has always been a pretty decent kisser, especially when she’s all hungry and needy — however, this time the feeling is different. This time the magic of it, the phosphor that lights the fireworks comes from a different place, a different sentiment. Regret or guilt, relief or happiness, I don’t know. We manage to hold back tears but not laughs, those spill like cascades from the giggles in the source when small kisses become more intense and she pushes me lightly towards the bed, to unstoppable guffaws when we undressed each other. I have had fun sex before but never like this — it’s so… cringey somehow but not in the bad way. She’s Tzuyu, you know? Tiny Tzuyu, tall Tzuyu, monster Tzuyu, cute Tzuyu, sexy Tzuyu… She’s been everywhere these last couple of years, practically fostered by my two best friends. And now we’re here, in front of each other completely naked and she looks surreal. The sensation in my chest is so weird, conflicted and intense I can’t just hold it and so I laugh, and I know she feels the same about me (especially the sexy parts). Above it all, I am incredibly happy.</p><p class="western">Every kiss I am able to place on Tzuyu’s smooth skin is a bliss; every caress sparks an ache on mine for more. As things escalate I want to bite and I want to scratch but it feels almost like a shame to destroy the perfect harmony of her perfection. Perfection… or close to it since nobody could ever imitate me but you know what I mean. Whatever word we call it, tonight it is mine and I feel blessed-</p><p class="western">“Wait”, she gasps and my moves freeze.</p><p class="western">“Have… have I hurt you?” I didn’t mean the panic in my voice to be this obvious, but the actual situation could set off the best of us, so don’t mind me.</p><p class="western">“No, no”, she hurries to assure me. “It’s just…” Using her right leg, Tzuyu rolls us over so she is the one straddling me. While it’s not what I had in mind, none of us make any attempt to detach our bodies. Taking a deep breath, I incorporate a little by leaning on my elbows and join our foreheads together.</p><p class="western">“What’s wrong?” Silence. “Talk to me, please.” <em>There’s no other way for me to understand you.</em> A sigh leaves her lips before relaxing under my touch.</p><p class="western">“I’m sorry, the…”, Tzuyu gulps, the heat of embarrassment noticeably climbing her body at full speed. “The intimacy of this is overwhelming… for me right now.” <em>Oh.</em> That makes a lot of sense, actually. We had never gone this far and even during our make out sessions we always kept our walls up — it’s always been a silent agreement between us.</p><p class="western">“If you want to sto-”</p><p class="western">“No!”, she shouts, maybe a bit too eagerly, too loudly for someone as quiet as her. God, she’s so cute. “It is a good kind of<em> overwhelming</em>.” Hearing such simple words suddenly feel like losing a weight in my chest I didn’t know I was bearing. “Too great, actually.” To be honest, I’m a bit lost in all of this — not sex! Who do you think I am? I meant Tzuyu. She’s always been a puzzle I can never seem to decipher. Thus, the best thing I think I can do is pressing my lips on hers ever so slightly in a peck that she answers with a tiny smile.</p><p class="western">“What is it?” My fingers caress her face and place a few stray locks behind her ear.</p><p class="western">“I feel like I’m going to explode, burn, break, laugh and cry at the same time and it’s great but…”</p><p class="western">“… too much to handle like this,” I finish for her and she nods. This might as well be the greater amount of words I’ve heard Tzuyu using in a phrase. Who would have thought I’d appreciate someone speaking so much during sex? Then, I cup her cheek and separate our faces to look into her eyes to add: “Tzuyu, there’s nobody I’d rather be doing this with than you.” Then, I give her a eskimo kiss. I don’t know why, but it just felt right. “We’re doing this at your pace, okay?”</p><p class="western">The shine in the girl’s eyes lighten up a bit and for a couple of endless seconds we stay like that, looking at each other. No, she looks through me, always looks through me. How on Earth can she be the same person able to stab your gut with a simple glare? The same person whose only desire towards me was to kick my sorry ass off a cliff and enjoy my fall while eating popcorn. The quiet girl who always would be next to Chaeyoung in the cafeteria and give me the cold shoulder whenever I got close. There was a time I truly thought she was jealous of me and now look at us. Although, to be fair, there was also a time when I was so blind I could not see further from the <em>pretty and quiet kid</em> that Jeongyeon and Jihyo kept babying around<em>.</em></p><p class="western">After what seems like an eternity, Tzuyu leans for a kiss. A kiss softer than any other between us, at first — a faint ghost, a slow and sweet caress of lips, but soon it grows more intense, rougher. It becomes a sloppy battle of lips and tongues and teeth, fighting for touching, caressing, nipping, harder, harder, harder as my free hand runs up and down her spine. Moans and blood coloring our skins, sweat, touching, squeezing, scratching, biting. Tzuyu pulls from me, making me sit down before she starts moving her hips up and down my fingers, her clit brushing against my palm. However, I don’t dare to move, not until the girl’s lips touch my ear and soft, endearing moans start coming out, making the flame inside of me explode in an all consuming fire. I’m not exaggerating when I say this is the most beautiful noise I have ever heard — that raspy, ragged and desperate cry. She needs me, she’s craving it. Louder, it has to be louder. My hungry mouth finds warm skin on her chest and my teeth graze it until I find the prize. Tzuyu’s breasts have never been very sensitive, but that’s no reason to leave them unattended — that would be cruelty, mainly for me. After all, not many things are more fun than playing with a girl’s nipples.</p><p class="western">“Ah!” she yelps and slightly pulls my hair when I nibble it harder than I intended. <em>Hot</em>, I think with a devious smile, leaving the tortured nipple behind to give due love to the other.</p><p class="western">My free hand runs through Tzuyu’s back to her nape and the girl flinches, her movements becoming harsher and her uneven breath faster. And then, her tongue finds my pulse point just before it meets soft, firm teeth. It’s painful, enough to trigger a growl from my throat. It’s a warning for me to behave — as if she wanted to take the control from me. My hand clenches around her mane. In that precise moment, she releases her bite and gives off a moan, so loud and hopeless that it amazes me the fact that it’s coming from this girl. Yet, the feeling of incompletion remains unaltered in my skin — it’s not enough, it’s never enough. I need more. Leaning her back for a second, I am able to readjust my hand and start circling her clit with my thumb while keeping the tight grip in her hair and <em>oh!,</em> more pleading moans come out like magic spells from her lips. Fuck, if Tzuyu doesn’t come soon, I swear I’ll be the one to finish first and <em>that</em> would be embarrassing. I’m not some impressionable teenager but she is just so surreal, a gorgeous star burning me with her heat, an amazon of <span>dark</span> hair panting wonderful melodies to my ear. It’s probably the high of sex and the fact that my blood is anywhere but in my brain, but I swear that right now you could call her Aphrodite and I would be more than content to pledge allegiance to her and her divine image. Although this is something we will keep between us because I’ll always deny to have felt or thought such a thing.</p><p class="western">Right now, Tzuyu’s body is burning, even I can feel it — the covers are spread raggedly between the mattress and the floor, there are no more clothes to discard, and yet the heat hasn’t gone nor faded. On the contrary, every time my fingers pump inside her walls, every time they curl and touch that spot that makes her squirm, it feels like fire around my hand that I’m not eager to help extinguish. It needs to scorch her, the urge that grows inside of her. And when the building pace suddenly quickens, she speeds up with her movements and it finally reaches its unimaginable peak. Her scream. She cries out until her voice dies, fading in the corners of the room. Out of breath, her muscles writhe and clench around my hand and my shoulders, and her whole body shakes once more on top of me before falling limp. I just let the weight of her body drag us down and hold my beautiful girl, exhausted, completely numb after the last shocks of release.</p><p class="western">We lay like that for a while, trying to steady our breaths, tangled in each other. Where one starts and the other ends, I don’t know, but in such a state of ecstasy we can’t be bothered. Suddenly, Tzuyu rolls and falls on the mattress next to me, leaving such a painful coldness on my skin that I feel the need to turn around and hook a leg around one of her own only to keep the connection. Her chest, covered in a thin layer of sweat, moves rhythmically up and down, eager to find some air. It’s hypnotizing. Boredom would never come even if I stayed just like this for hours, looking at Tzuyu, eyes are shut, sporting a growing smile in her lips and her messy hair is sprawled on my pillow. Have you ever contemplated a landscape of similar beauty? I doubt it. <em>Fuck.</em> It comes without a warning and strikes me, shaking every fiber of my existence: the desire of seeing it over and over again. It’s heavy and all kinds of scary but right now, with the smell of sex clouding the room and her between my arms, I can’t bring myself to care, to be honest.</p><p class="western">Finally, dark eyes find mine one more time before shamelessly running down my body.</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu.” The girl looks back into my eyes, lazily. “You ok?”</p><p class="western">Slowly, Tzuyu manages to go back to her straddling position and her smile grows wider than ever. What a rare spectacle to watch and at the same time, how frightening. Damn, I think I might have unleashed the devil.</p><p class="western">“Wicked”, she answers while caressing my abdomen with one hand and my thigh with the other, feeling for sure the wetness drenching the mattress. Never looking away, I can see her licking her lips before the sentiment changes and shyness takes over again. God, she’s so cute — how can I find her so cute when she’s naked and disheveled on top of me? “<span>Eonnie</span>…”</p><p class="western">“Hmmmm?”</p><p class="western">“I want to…” She wavers suddenly speechless, struggling to find her words, but all I can do is stare at such perfection.</p><p class="western">“Tell me.” For the record, I care, and as I care I try to sit to take proper care of her, but a strong hand presses me against the bed. That was unexpected, to say the least.</p><p class="western">“I want to do you.” She clears her throat and I can’t help quirking an eyebrow. Shy Tzuyu has always been an adorable blast but her mismatching actions are just confusing. “I don’t know exactly how…” The words get lost in her mouth.</p><p class="western">“Come here.” Tzuyu does as ordered and leans to press her lips against mine, so tender and delicious. Then, I caress her cheek with the back of my fingers. “I know and it’s perfectly fine, just…”, I try to find the most adequate words, “… just do what you do when you touch yourself”.</p><p class="western">Much to my surprise, Tzuyu shakes her head and her blush spreads to her neck. A bit too late to feel embarrassed, don’t you think?</p><p class="western">“I… wanted to try something else.” You know, I’m normally pretty quick on the uptake but this time I have to admit that I’m utterly and definitely lost. It’s not until Tzuyu takes a deep breath and leans in, her lips capturing my earlobe in a surprisingly hot nip, that I find out. “Would you like me to do it with my mouth?”</p><p class="western">Every single person who knows me the least bit knows that I’m quite an exigent woman, not easily flashed by shallow beauty nor flustered by just any poor flirtatious attempt. That being said, a naked Tzuyu straddling me plus her innocent voice making indecent propositions has been proven to be 100% effective to turn my body into the fucking sun and make my core start pumping with ferocious want. Not to be dramatic, but my heart rate is anything but healthy right now and I’m starting to feel dizzy, probably because I’ve forgotten how to do something as basic as breathing.</p><p class="western">Somehow, I manage to gulp and stutter: “A-are you sure?” Erase that, I don’t stutter, not for anyone. Shut up. Part of me expects Tzuyu to say something in the line of ‘<em>if you start crying, I’m leaving’,</em> or something like that. Yeah, that would have been anticlimactic, something the Tzuyu I know or thought I knew would do — instead, her only response is an insanely slow trail of wet kisses drawing a path on my neck, between my breasts and down my abdomen while two soft hands start pinching my nipples.</p><p class="western">With my breath caught in my throat, my legs part in anticipation, feeling her smug smirk against my skin. She thinks she has the control, such a foolish little puppy — she’s so lucky I’m being nice because this is her first time and also because certain someones might or might not have threaten me with chopping all my hair off in my sleep if I am the least bit… well, <em>me</em> with her.</p><p class="western">Tzuyu crawls down until she sets perfectly in between my legs, not without slipping in the coverlet a couple of times. Just so you can see, I’m a good girlfriend and don’t laugh at her, not even once. Still, the image of her cute pouting face is so clear in my mind that I can’t help smiling. Soon she’s running her hands along my calves and knees and leaving kisses behind and my brain has enough on its plate to be mean to her. When she decides she’s gone far enough, she starts going up. Nips and slow kisses make two paths on my inner thighs, sided by my evident arousal. When Tzuyu reaches her goal, I have to bite my lower lip to conceal the moan that threatens to escape.</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu”, I call her softly, trying not to sound as desperate as I am but neither too unbothered because, damn, she’s doing a fine job so far. She doesn’t even listen to me, which I would mind if she hadn’t just delivered a kiss on my wet folds. In this moment, I can only gasp, encouraging her to go ahead.</p><p class="western">Tzuyu doesn’t think twice before she starts licking the whole length of my cunt, releasing the most luscious moans in the process. This girl is going to be the death of me. Somehow, I feel like I’m the subject and she’s carrying out her own personal experiment. The first thing she tries is drawing different patterns with her tongue, caressing and moving my inner and outer folds, sometimes softer, sometimes rougher, and focusing on the little gasps and whimpers emanating from my throat and the eager rock of hips against her mouth that I allow myself only when she does something that feels especially good, for the solely sake of teaching, of course. After a while in which I might be getting way too comfortable with her face buried between my legs, she decides to try something else. She grabs my thighs and gets a little closer to suck on my folds from the bottom to the base of the clit. Actually, it’s an interesting feeling, and a bit surprising since it’s not a technique a lot of people I’ve slept with use. Not that I’ve had sex with so many people. A thought appears in my mind. A thought? A certainty! I would bet my right hand she has been googling how to eat a woman out. A laugh builds up in my belly again but I won’t let it out — I thought we were over the random giggly stage already! The devilish smirk that was starting to appear in my lips gets mercilessly crushed when she sucks a bit further and traps my aching clit in her mouth. Sly sounds join the wet ones echoing in the room — they are thin, soft, noises of fingernails scratching bed sheets too close to the point of actually tearing them, high pitched moans and yelps that are starting to sound alien to my ears. Of course, Tzuyu has got the clue and she knows perfectly where to experiment next, but that doesn’t mean she would just be nice and not torture me by teasing my poor and needy bundle of nerves with her nose first.</p><p class="western">“Tzuyu,” I groan. What? Was she expecting me to whine and beg? Not in her nicest dreams.</p><p class="western">When she’s content with her shameless teasing, she just goes for it, without a warning. She sucks on my clit and circles it with her tongue, only to put it again between her lips right after. This time, my body acts on its own. With a loud moan, I jerk my hips and fist Tzuyu’s hair to pull her closer. Oh, and what I discover in that moment is something I’ll never forget. Tzuyu cries out a noise that sends delicious vibrations to my spine, and suddenly, her ministrations in between my legs become frantic, greedy. The more Tzuyu sucks, licks and circles, the more I pull on her hair (unintentionally, really), and the more I do that, the more needy and unleashed Tzuyu becomes. Her tongue is drawing the whole alphabet in between my legs to help the girl focusing on her task, taking care of my folds too when the poor muscles in her tongue start feeling too tired to keep up with the pace. Quicker than I expected, probably because of the sudden spike on her hunger, that situation begins to be too much for her to handle.</p><p class="western">I’m about to call her name and ask her to come up here and kiss me when she gives the last lick to my folds, focusing again on taking good care of my abused clit. She steadies my body against the bed making pressure with her left hand right over my pubic bone. I didn’t expect my hips would buckle that hard against her grip, increasing the new feeling. However, Tzuyu puts me back immediately to the mattress, almost pissed at me interrupting her work. <em>Rude</em>. A frantic panting joins my grip on her hair and before I can do anything about it, I’m moaning under her touch. Tzuyu increases the speed of her tongue and starts teasing my thighs and entrance with her fingers. <em>Fuck, that feels so good. </em>I’m almost there, my whole body is searing, consumed by her flames. When Tzuyu starts curling her fingers inside of me, I can’t bear it anymore. With a loud moan, my back arches abruptly as I press Tzuyu harder against myself only to lose the control of my hips. When my orgasm is fully ridden, my body falls into the mattress, numb and wonderfully aching, panting, craving for air. Tzuyu lays beside me, her ragged breath steadying faster than mine.</p><p class="western">“How was it?” she asks, that smug smirk plastered on her face as she watches my defeated body. It’s dripping form her lips, the picture is unreal.</p><p class="western">“It was… ok,” I pant, feeling the sweat run down my chest as I turn to my side to cuddle with her. “For a first timer.”</p><p class="western">“Only ok?” she pouts. Contrary to her intentions, that only makes me want to tease her more. Luckily for her, I’m too exhausted to be mean and she’s too cute.</p><p class="western">“You did good, baby.” I pull her from her nape and kiss her lips, tasting myself in her mouth. Then, she lays on top of me, her face snuggled on the crook of my neck and it feels like perfection. “You did very well.” Her contented smile makes my heart flutter. I’m so sold out, am I not? Way too far gone for longer than I thought. “Tzu,” I call her attention, “I know I’m not easy…”</p><p class="western">“Many people would beg to differ,” she snorts with a smirk on her lips and I reply by hitting her arm. “Many, many people.” Have I ever mentioned she’s truly a bitch?</p><p class="western">“You know what I mean.”</p><p class="western">“I don’t want easy,” she tightens her hold on me and rises her head to be able to look into my eyes. “I want-” But she makes a stop and purses her lips in a pout.</p><p class="western">“Yes?”</p><p class="western">If she answers, I do not listen. The knock on the door and the click that follows is deafening enough to drown her voice.</p><p class="western"> </p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Did you like it? Let me know in the comments!</p></blockquote></div></div>
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